TUESDAY, January 1, 2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

MON DEU!… On January 1, France begins enforcing a ban on smoking in restaurants, hotels, casinos, cafes and brasseries. The ban was instituted after doctors concluded that tobacco use accounted for 61,000 French deaths a year -- a health threat rivaled only by excessive viewing of Jerry Lewis movies.

PICTURE IMPERFECT… Thieves at the Sao Paulo Museum of Art staged a daring heist in which they made off with Picasso’s “Portrait of Susan Bloch” valued at $50 million. Several witnesses told police the robbers appeared to be women with both eyes on the same side of their face.

COUNTDOWN… At 81 years and 243 days, Queen Elizabeth II has become Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, eclipsing the record previously held by Queen Victoria. In April, she will become the longest reigning queen in history -- unless, of course, you count Elton John.
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“We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates.”

George W. Bush 10/4/01 Washington, DC
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FAREWELL… 2007 saw these entrepreneurs depart the world stage:

1] Robert Adler, 93, inventor of the TV remote control. He died in February but wasn’t buried until April. No one could find him.

2] Dr. J. Robert Cade, 80, inventor of Gatorade. Following cremation, his ashes were placed in a six-pack of urns with a plastic carry handle.

3] Ken Hendricks, 66, founder of ABC Roofing & Siding which became an industry leader. He found an undertaker who’d bury him for free if he sold his neighbors on the concept.

4] William Becker, 85, founder of the Motel 6 chain. He was buried in a cut rate coffin with very little padding, no pillow and handles that came off in the pallbearers’ hands.

5] Warren Avis, 92, founder of Avis Rent-A-Car. He attributed his long life to doctors who tried harder.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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VICTORIA’S SECRET… Newly declassified documents have revealed a 1950 plan by J. Edgar Hoover to suspend the writ of habeas corpus and imprison 12,000 Americans whom he suspected of disloyalty “to protect the country against treason, espionage and sabotage.” Worse, Eddie also wanted to seize, without a court-approved warrant, the lace underwear of their wives.

SWITCHEROO… Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, formerly a member of the Church of England, has formally defected and has declared himself a Catholic. A move that historians have characterized as the British equivalent of Katie Couric switching from NBC to CBS.

CSI CAIRO… Egyptologists now contend that the Discovery Channel’s “Secrets of Egypt’s Lost Queen” may have relied on uncorroborated scientific evidence to declare their 3500 year old mummy to be that of Queen Hatshepsut. Seems they were using pre-DNA techniques pioneered in the 1970’s to authenticate Cher.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
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WHAM!… Astrologers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena have identified an asteroid traveling at 27,900 miles per hour that they’ve given a one in twenty-five chance of slamming into Mars. Which, they point out, would produce the most violent collision since Rosie O’Donnell landed on Donald Trump.

EARLY BIRDERS… The town of Greenburgh, NY is experimenting with a program that allows seniors to work off their property taxes at government agencies. Which explains that fire truck I spotted last week with its left turn signal permanently flashing.

ROYALTY… Egyptian government officials will attempt to copyright its pyramids, scarab beetles and other well known ancient artifacts. The law will be enforced by Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities which so far, has issued only one performance license to Steve Martin to sing “King Tut, born in Babylonia… raised in Arizonia.”
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BRING ’EM ON… Rudy Giuliani has released a new TV ad in which he assures voters that “When you challenge Americans, there’s no country that stands up stronger and better when you come here and try to kill our people.” Hasn’t changed his poll numbers in the US, but he is up ten points in Karachi.

ON FURTHER REVIEW… The NCAA has launched a $1 million program in which a 15-member governing board will attempt to provide more consistency in officiating. Their goal is to improve on-field use of instant replay… increase training of new referees… and establish a slush fund to help referees defray their gambling losses.

BIBLE BILLBOARD… Country stars who have scrambled aboard the religious-themed bandwagon include Vince Gill with “Give Me Jesus”… Brad Paisley’s “The Old Rugged Cross” and Sara Evans’s “Just a Closer Walk With Thee.” Expected to be released in the Spring:

1] Dolly Parton’s “That Bible in the Nightstand Says No Lovin’ Here Tonight.”

2] “I Want More Sodom in My Gomorra” by Billy Ray Cyrus

3] Reba McIntire’s “Rhinestone Moses"

4] And Garth Brooks’ “God Bless My Hat”
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[] To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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HILTON TILTIN’… Paris Hilton’s grandfather Barron Hilton, son of Conrad Hilton who founded the hotel chain, will donate 97% of his $2.3 billion estate to charity. Deeply effected by this expression of generosity, Paris has donated $2.3 million to the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department to build a drive-thru jail for incarcerated pop iconvicts.

PHOTO OP… The winner of the Miss France contest, Valerie Begue, was replaced by the first runner-up, Miss Caledonia, after nude photos of her were, in violation of pageant rules, published in Entrevue Magazine. On a positive note for Valerie though, she was awarded the coveted “Overall Career Enhancement Trophy,” established in honor of Vanessa Williams.

RECONSTRUCTING HARRY… Over a half million hits have been registered at the website of the British Royal Family which features a Christmas message from Queen Elizabeth. In January, the site will launch its first commercial -- Prince Harry endorsing Bombay Gin.
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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DUCK & COVER… For the first time in the Rose Parade’s 119 year history, a float was entered representing the Peoples Republic of China. And an exciting one, to say the least. Spectators along Colorado Boulevard were stunned when it began lobbing ground-to-air missiles at the Taiwan float.

SHOW & TELL… Contest officials in Texas disqualified a six-year old from winning a free trip to New York City to attend a Hanna Montana concert after her mom admitted helping the youngster write an essay claiming her dad was a casualty in Iraq. All is not lost, however. The girl has been hired to play a fake disaster victim at FEMA press conferences.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK!… Longtime Saturday Night Live regular Jimmy Fallon married his producer girlfriend Nancy Juvonen on Necker Island in the Caribbean. But critics were quick to point out that the ceremony lacked the humor and sharp social commentary which marked prior marriages of cast members who predated the show‘s current decline into mediocrity.

DEAR AMERICANS… Osama bin Laden has released a new 30 minute audio tape in which he vows to “increase Holy War terror.” Which, according to reliable insiders, will include the Geneva-condemned practice of strapping interrogation victims to Ann Coulter.
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[] Wouldn’t it be great if you could send a copy of this blog to a friend? You can! Scroll down to the “Tell a Friend” icon just below the “Daily Horoscope.”
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Thursday 12/27/07

[] PROGRAM REMINDER: Tomorrow night, 12/28 at 9 pm. Pacific time, Bob will be interviewed on Armed Forces Radio during “The Friday Show” hosted by Frank Brezee and Weldon Hughes. Recalling his lengthy and infamous career writing for Bob Hope, he’ll leave no story or anecdote untold, no backstage whispered rumor unfounded. Tune in and find out why Richard Burton refused to kiss Raquel Welch in a sketch, what producer of Hope specials later became so famous himself, he’s regularly parodied on “Saturday Night Live.” Hear Hope interview Don Knotts as “Moose Terwilliger,” NFL referee, in a comedy bit that had to be re-shot three times because Hope kept breaking up. Hear Howard Cosell in a verbal sparring match with Hope and Johnny Carson in a rare cameo appearance in a “Camelot” takeoff. He plays “Sir Carsolot,” joining Hope as King Arthur and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme as Lancelot and Guinevere. It’s a laugh and story-filled hour you simply don’t want to miss!

The show is live streamed on line at:
www.yesterdayusa.com

And don’t forget to tune in on New Year’s Day at 8-11 am, Pacific to hear Bob with co-hosts Anne Nicholson and Kelvin Reese narrate the Rose Parade live from Pasadena. Emanating from the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind, the 3-hour program reaches 1.7 million listeners nationwide and streams line on line at:

www.larrs.org
Password: independence

Wednesday 12/19/07

[] HAPPY NEW YEAR! Once again on January 1, Bob will be co-hosting with Anne Nicholson and Kelvin Reese, a 3-hour live broadcast from the Pasadena Rose Parade for 1.2 million blind and sight-impaired listeners nationwide. You can catch all the excitement on line at 8 am to 11 am Pacific:

www.larrs.org
Password: independence
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SPRING THAW… A new series of campaign ads are intended to dispel the widespread perception that Hillary Clinton is “cold.” Aides decided to take action after her name kept surfacing at the global warming conference in Bali.

OXYMORON… Romney demanded that Huckabee apologize to Bush for accusing him of having an “arrogant bunker mentality” when it comes to Iraq. Actually, Bush should thank Mike. It’s not every day you hear “Bush” and “mentality” used in the same sentence.

CHEAT BEAT… Huckabee alluded to the Mormon belief that “Jesus and Satan were brothers.” Romney responded by calling Huckabee “another Bill Clinton.” And just when Giuliani thought he had the Republican adulterer vote all sewn up.

LOVIN’ IT… A McDonald’s near London’s Gatwick Airport imposes a $150 fine for using their parking lot longer than 45 minutes. That’s nothing. Drive-thru customers must place their order with Ronald within the required 60 seconds to disable tire-deflating spikes.
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[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.
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MILE WALK… Catholics in Sicily protested a holiday commercial showing the Three Wise Men bringing the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and a Red Bull Energy Drink. Worse, one of them appears to be riding Joe Camel.

SWEET POISON… Responding to stats indicating a sharp rise in childhood obesity, the Chicago School System has banned cupcakes from all student menus. And the ban is total. The kids aren’t even allowed to watch Elizabeth Hasselbeck on “The View.”

WINGED VICTORY… Air travel aficionados are gathering in Dayton, OH this week to celebrate the 104th anniversary of the Wright Brothers’ first flight. They’ll reconvene next week to mark the return of their luggage.

S.O.S. --- A 13-year old passenger aboard the Dawn Princess en route to Cabo San Lucas was airlifted by helicopter to the carrier USS Ronald Reagan for an emergency appendectomy after the ship‘s doctor ran short of anesthesia. Memo to Princess: Pack more anesthesia and less booze.

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"And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."

George W. Bush 1/29/07 Washington, DC
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ET TU, BABS?… Capping a long run engagement that earned $4 million while engrossing 3 million fans, Celine Dionne logged her final performance at Caesar’s Palace. In keeping with the Roman Emperor’s theme, Barbra Streisand came on stage and stabbed her.

FANTASIA… Fish and Game officials in Texas, California, Nevada, New York and Arkansas report a marked increase in automatic weapon assaults on wardens in the field. They attribute the violence to rural methamphetamine labs… marijuana cultivation in wooded areas… and an increase in gang activity among the wildlife.

RATATOUILLE… Naturalists conducting research with Conservation International have discovered a new species of rat, five times larger than normal rodents, in the Foja Mountains near Papua, New Guinea. Unlike urban sewer rats that just bite tourists, these use poison spear guns.

DECK THE HALLS… Two inmates slipped out of a Jersey City, NJ jail, leaving newspaper-stuffed dummies in their bunks, scaling a 30-foot wall, and crawling under 50 feet of razor wire, but not before leaving a note wishing the guards “Happy Holidays.“ Guards should have been alerted earlier when local volunteers staged their annual Christmas Pageant that featured Three Wise Men bearing gold, frankincense and a snub-nosed .38 carved out of soap.
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic presidential quotes, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Monday 12/17/07

NOMENCLATURE… Merriam-Webster has approved some new words for the dictionary including “blankie,” a child’s security blanket… “shagadelic,” a very sexy girl… and “web mistress,” a female blogger. Removed to make room for the new arrivals were “pornicate,” to be videotaped having sex… “botoxication,” to suffer from excessive cosmetic surgery… and “viagraculture,” sexual aids for the elderly.

I’LL BE LOVING YOOOOOU… Responding to increasing complaints, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have agreed to use taser guns only to subdue suspects who are resisting arrest. No more tasering rowdy American tourists who point to their hats and shout “Smoky! Smoky!”

AND AWAY WE GO!… The Bush administration has decided to curb appeals to NATO to provide forces to fight Taliban insurgents. Enthused DefSec Gates: “We’re going to try to look at this more creatively than perhaps we have done in the past.” How about creating an exit strategy?

NEVER MIND… In a nationally televised speech, Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf has lifted the state of emergency he imposed and returned the country to constitutional rule. Reaction from the White House was muted, dashing hopes among world leaders that Bush would do the same.
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“We ought to make the pie higher.”

George W. Bush 2/15/00 Charleston, SC
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SLEDGE TIME… Former Stone Temple Pilots strumster Scott Weiland, charged with driving under the influence of drugs, faces a year in jail because of a prior DUI. Looks like Scott may get his chance break some rocks in a real stone temple.

JOYZEE… New Jersey has become the first state in 40 years to outlaw the death penalty. On the theory that just living in New Jersey --- so close and yet so far from New York --- is a fate at least equal to, if not worse than, death.

WIRED… In an effort to “enhance the coverage” of games for home viewers, the NBA is experimenting with a plan that would require coaches to wear live, clip-on microphones while on the sidelines. If this catches on, Kobe will be able to apologize to his wife right from the court.

COME ON DOWN!… A contestant on “The Price is Right” has sued the show, claiming the Pontiac GTO she successfully guessed cost $33,495 was not only not new, but had been in an accident and repaired. And then, to add insult to injury, it was driven on stage by a Barker Beauty who was formerly a hooker.

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[] Wouldn’t it be great if you could send a copy of this blog to a friend? You can! Scroll down to the “Tell a Friend” icon just below the “Daily Horoscope.”
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Friday 12/14/07

[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.

BALANCING ACT… Anthropologists at the University of Texas have discovered that pregnant women have specially adapted lower back and hip joints not present in males that keep the prospective moms from falling forward. The study also showed strategically positioned shoulder blades on females which allow them to carry heavy shopping bags, fully loaded, virtually indefinitely.

DOOBY DOOBY DOO… The US Postal Service has unveiled a First Class Frank Sinatra stamp that will be available in the Spring. It will come in sheets of 20, 50, 100 and two extra stamps --- one for your baby and one more for the road.

SQUEEZE MY GRAPEFRUIT… The contest to find a new state song for Florida to replace “Old Folks At Home” has narrowed to three finalists: “Where the Saw Grass Meets the Sky,” “Florida, My Home” and “My Florida Home.” Runners up include: “Where Old Folks Come to Die,” “Florida, My Nursing Home” and “What Time Is Lawrence Welk On?”
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“It’s about past seven in the evening here so we’re actually in different time lines.”

George W. Bush 1/1/01 Washington, DC
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NO PRESERVATIVES… The hit vegan cookbook “Kick Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap and Start Looking Hot,” the sequel to “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, uses no dairy, no meat, no fish, no poultry, no animal products, no additives, no sugar and no white flour. The bitches in the kitch explain how to prepare a dinner for ten out of three pot holders and a dishtowel.

ARE YOU READY?… The “NFL Experience” theme park in Glendale, AZ enables visitors to find out what it’s like being a professional player in the National Football League. The popular attractions include the “Spousal Abuse Tilt-A-Whirl”… the “Late Night Strip Club Shooting Gallery”… and “DUI Bumper Cars.”

MISSED CONGENIALITY… Creatively crippled by the writers strike, the CW has paraded out “Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants” in which eleven pairs of moms and their daughters vie for a $100,000 grand prize to be awarded after eight weeks of strenuous competition. Shot on a cheesy set with lousy lighting and dependent on eleven charmless, talentless airheads who make Dana Perino sound like Madame Curie, the pilot episode concludes with the audience rising en mass and begging the contestants to experiment with anorexia.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planning to visit) are invited to join Goldstar
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Wednesday 12/12/07

LIGHTNING ROUND… Longtime “Jeopardy” ringmaster Alex Trebek is reportedly okay after suffering what doctors are calling “a minor heart attack.” The operator who answered his 911 call was initially confused when Alex kept putting his call for help in the form of a question.

PANDEMIC… That pregnant Toledo, OH attorney who was reported missing, showed up, and claimed she’d been kidnapped, has recanted her story. I know what you’re thinking. Lawyers are allowed to procreate?

LUCKY LUCY… Las Vegas has allocated $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Expected to be a real crowd pleaser is the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing which will feature wall-mounted severed horses’ heads.
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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BOBBIN’ ALONG… Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory have discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.

NEW FISH… At his sentencing this week, canine impresario Michael Vick was given 23 months in prison and a $5000 fine. Forget the jail time --- that fine is guaranteed to give him nightmares in his Greystone Hotel bunk.

BALLROOM… Former Kansas City horsehide hurler Mark Lytell has invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
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"There are some similarities, of course, between Iraq and Vietnam. Death is terrible."

George W. Bush 4/19/07 Tipp City, OH
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SAY IT FAST… Denzel Washington and Forrest Whitaker co-star in MGM’s “The Great Debaters” which opened this week. It was scheduled to debut last month, but new prints had to be developed when someone noticed the original title was “The Master Debaters.”

EARLY BIRD… It’s been almost 20 years since Harrison Ford played Indiana Jones on the big screen, but he’s back tracking Russian agent Kate Blanchett in the jungles of Peru as they search for “The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Harrison, now 65, still does some of his own stunts, but keep a sharp eye out for these easy-to-miss age-appropriate production details:

1] Bull whip has an orthopedic grip
2] Leisure World logo on hat
3] Land Rover’s left turn signal flashes continually
4] Crystal skull located with GPS device in pacemaker
5] Skull found buried in abandoned Viagra mine

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[] To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
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Monday 12/10/07

DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’… The Justice Department and the CIA have launched a joint investigation of the alleged destruction of hundreds of hours of video tapes showing al-Qaeda terrorists undergoing what the CIA euphemistically refers to as “enhanced interrogation.” Bush disclaims knowledge of the deletions, but is characteristically vague about when he was told about them. Teddy Kennedy calls the disappearing tapes “worse than Nixon’s missing 18 ½ minutes.” Whew, that was a bad week for professional torturers. Bush and his henchmen under the microscope and Jack Bauer sent to jail.

STRIPED CRUSADER… Keifer Sutherland who plays Jack Bauer on “24” began serving a jail sentence of 48 days imposed by an LA judge for a probation violation. Kind of makes you wonder which two episodes the judge didn’t like.
NET BLUE… Discount airline Jet Blue will be the first carrier to offer free internet access on all flights. Flight attendants have already begun warning passengers on landing to “Place your seats, trays and laptops in a secure upright position.”

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[] HAPPY NEW YEAR: Again this January 1, Bob will co-host an audio description of the Rose Parade for the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Heard by 1.7 million listeners nationwide via NPR satellite, the broadcast will be streamed live from Pasadena on line at 8am to 11am Pacific Time on www.larrs.org. Password: independence.
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DRAFT PICKS… Only $57,000 from Mike Ditka’s “Hall of Fame Assistance Trust Fund,” which has raised $1.3 million for needy former NFL players, has been distributed. Ditka blames their “fear of filling out forms.“ Thanks to being allowed to skip all those English classes in college.

SHOP ‘TIL YOU DROP… Homeland Security officials have vowed to make shopping malls less attractive to terrorists. Some safety improvements to look for:

1] Blackwater-trained department store Santas
2] Plainclothes federal marshals on all escalators
3] Surveillance cameras concealed in Mrs. Field’s cookies
4] Pepper spray in selected perfume counter atomizers
5] Evacuation instructions sung by Barry Manilow on Muzak system
6] See-thru shopping bags
7] Complimentary flack jackets with mall’s logo
8] Larry Craig type warning signs in fitting rooms
9] Cinabun hand grenades
10] Designer hostage wear
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585

________________________________________________

CENSORSHIP… The Vatican’s L’Osservatore Romano reports the discovery of a 1563 red chalk sketch by Michelangelo instructing stonecutters to make corrections to his design at St. Peter’s Basilica. Seems he was told to remove his bas relief depiction of Pope Lascivious XI’s mistress.

SKIN GAME…. Suspended NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded no contest to reduced charges of disorderly conduct for agreeing to testify in a strip club shooting that left a man paralyzed. A separate charge of impersonating a rapper was dismissed.

SPINNER… Roger M. King, co-founder of King World Productions which brought “Wheel of Fortune” to the TV screen has passed away. Cause of death will be delayed until his doctors buy three more vowels.
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[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.
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GRAND OL’ OPRAH… Despite claiming she felt “out of her pew,” Oprah Winfrey hit the presidential campaign trail for the first time, stumping with Barack Obama in Des Moines and Cedar Rapids, Iowa. She’s also helping Barack behind the scenes, too. So far, she’s given him three new cars, adopted two of his kids and promised to endorse his next book.

FAMILY TIES… Hillary Clinton responded to the Oprah invasion by appearing with her mother, Dorothy Rodham and daughter, Chelsea. Aides say she even considered dragging out Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE… The State Department released a list of gifts received by Bush administration officials from foreign leaders. It includes an $11,000 Cartier Santos Dumont watch given to Bush by the prime minister of Thailand. Mickey’s eyes are genuine emeralds and he points to the numbers with white diamond gloves.
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“If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.”

George W. Bush 12/18/00 Washington, DC
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TRUSTED ASSOCIATES… At the UN Climate Conference in Bali, Bush administration officials have refused mandatory caps on greenhouse gasses, insisting that private industry should be allowed to impose their own caps. You know, like allowing R. J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and P. Lorrilard to decide how many people to kill each year.

FINAL CURTAIN… Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life. Which explains the Writers Guild picket line around Riverview Cemetery.

ROLL ‘EM!… Hollywood movie studios are shooting more and more films in less costly Eastern European locations like Lithuania (“War and Peace,” “Cold Mountain”). Romania and Bulgaria are often scouted for locations but usually rejected due to lack of technical facilities and skilled crews. Which accounts for the limited success of the recent documentary “The History of the Goiter,” and the comedy/musical “There’s a Girl in My Borscht.”

Friday 12/07/07

QUO VADIS?… Seeking to answer nervous Republican evangelicals suspicious of his devout Mormonism, Mitt Romney delivered a speech in Texas assuring voters that religion will not dictate his actions as president. Some skeptics questioned the governor’s sincerity, however, pointing out that he addressed the crowd from a burning bush.

HOLY NEVERLAND… With an $84 million priest pedophile settlement hanging around its ecclesiastical neck, the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Boston has deeded the three-story mansion formerly occupied by disgraced Cardinal Bernard Law to Boston College. Which plans to convert it into a “Museum of Shame and Penance,” in which tourists will be able to visit His Excellency’s “War Room” complete with maps showing the secret locations of priests he “re-assigned” to avoid prosecution.
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I SOLEMNLY SWEAR…An online survey conducted by Harris Interactive showed that 40% of the 13 to 18 year old students questioned said they believe its okay to lie, cheat and plagiarize in order to succeed in school. However, the results were invalidated when further questioning revealed that 37% of them had lied about their age… 23% had cheated on their qualifying questionnaire… and 48% had copied answers from the student sitting next to them.

SFO HMO… Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco now offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
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“We need to apply twenty-first century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our health care records put on the I.T.”

George W. Bush 1/5/05 Collinsville, ILL
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TEMPTATION… University of Oslo paleontologists working in the Svalbard Islands in the Arctic found the 150 million year old remains of a “monster reptile” estimated to have been 30 feet long. The half-eaten apple and two fig leaves found nearby have been turned over to the school’s theology department for further study.

TOE TAPPING… Archeologists in the ancient city of Herculaneum near Pompeii have found in the ruins of the Villa dei Papari, the home of Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, what they believe is the first known example of a Roman throne. Above the stall in which it’s located is carved the Latin inscription: “Ad Hoc Siteo Locationum Creigiatus Laurencio.” Which in English is: “Larry Craig Sat Here.”
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Wednesday 11/05/07

NO TABERNACLE CHOIR… Taking his cue from John F. Kennedy’s 1960 speech in which he assured voters that his lifelong Catholicism would not effect his actions as president, Mitt Romney is preparing to assure nervous Republican evangelicals that he won’t let his Mormonism color his Oval Office decisions. Regardless, say his aides, if Huckabee keeps gaining on him in the polls, he may become a Latter Day Southern Baptist.

STRIPPED EPAULETS… To appease critics of his dual role, Pakistan’s President Musharraf stepped down as Army chief and turned in his military uniform during a formal ceremony in Islamabad. In an uncharacteristic show of support for the move, Bush donated that phony pilot’s uniform he wore during his “Mission Accomplished” speech to the Salvation Army.

CHAMPS… A survey of 400,000 15-year olds in 57 countries administered by the Program for International Assessment of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out.

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“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading in order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal -- federal cufflink.”

George W. Bush 3/30/00 Milwaukee, WIS
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FIRST SEATING… In Southampton, England, Prince Charles is scheduled to Christen the new HMS Victoria, sister ship to the QM2 and the QE 2. Whilst he’s doing that, wife Camilla Parker Bowles will be on deck seven Christening the ship’s 300-foot midnight buffet table.

FORGIVE THEM FATHER… Nearing eighty and preparing to retire, televangelist Pat Robertson has turned over CEO duties at the Christian Broadcasting Network and its flagship “700 Club” to his son, Gordon. Who has already made some changes at the Club, adding a bar, a steam room and a racquet ball court.

LOW SODIUM… A new report from the National Transportation Safety Administration shows that on average, 41% of motor vehicle fatalities last year were alcohol-related with Hawaii clocking in highest at 52% and Utah lowest at 24%. But Utah more than makes up for its low alcohol-related deaths with drivers who die after turning into pillars of salt.
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For your copy, send cash, check or money order for $15 - ($12 + $3 P&H) to: Bob Mills: China DVD" 11684 Ventura Blvd., Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. (Allow 3-4 weeks for delivery)
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Monday 12/3/07

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Friday 11/30/07

STONE CUTTERS… While visiting George Washington University Hospital for treatment of a persistent cough, Dick Cheney was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat which was stabilized with electric shock treatment. Actually, his doctors opted for a less invasive procedure to induce shock. They anesthetized him, woke him up, and told him he shot Sean Taylor while hunting.

INTENSIVE CARE… Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind:

2] Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast
3] Appleby’s Macadamia Nut & Caramelized Pork Rind Salad.
4] T. G. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.

McBELCH… McDonald’s has rolled out their new “McSkillet Burrito” which comes with a foil-wrapped packet of “McTums” or, with the supersized version, “McMaalox.”

_______________________________________________

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_______________________________________________

KNARLY HARLEY… Archeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt have discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.

SEAT WARMER… Lance Armstrong is rumored to be romantically involved with Olsen Twin, Mary Kate. According to a reliable source, they met when he mistook her for one of his bikes and tried to mount her on the back of his SUV.

BAPTISM… J. Robert Cade, the inventor of Gatorade, which has earned $150 million in royalties for the University of Florida where he was a researcher, has died at age 80. Bob will be cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes will be dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.

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“I strongly believe we’re doing the right thing. If I didn’t believe it --- I’m going to repeat what I said before --- I’d pull the troops out, nor if I believed we could win, I would pull the troops out.”

George W. Bush 4/6/06 Charlotte, NC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com

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SAM’S CLUB… Time Magazine reports that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”

AQUATICS… The Catholic League, anti-bias watchdogs for the Vatican, has demanded that Newline Cinema delay the December release of “The Golden Compass,” the movie version of British author Philip Pullman’s book on the grounds that it depicts the pope and his bishops, called “the Magisterium,” as “an ominous controlling governmental authority seeking to eliminate free will.” New Line is holding fast to its scheduled release date, but has offered to cut the pope’s water boarding scene.

S.O.S….While on a 19-day Antarctic voyage tracing the route taken by explorer Ernest Henry Shackleton, the 38 year old cruise ship Explorer sank after hitting an iceberg near King George Island. The 154 passengers and crew boarded lifeboats and were adrift for six hours before being rescued by a Norwegian vessel. All survived. The disaster immediately recalled the sinking of the Titanic under almost identical conditions, but further examination revealed many dissimilarities:

1] The Explorer didn’t have an arrogant, fate-tempting name that rhymed with “Gigantic.”
2] The Explorer didn‘t describe herself as “Unsinkable” --- just “As safe as we could build her.”
3] Explorer’s owner was not on board, determined to win a race with a competing cruise line.
4] Explorer’s iceberg spotter had reliable binoculars.
5] Explorer’s radio operator recognized the Morse code for “Iceberg!”
6] Explorer’s captain wasn’t asleep in his bunk.
7] Explorer’s band was not ordered to play “Nearer My God To Thee” --- but rather “We Shall Overcome.”
8] Explorer’s crew members weren’t the first ones in the lifeboats.
9] None of Explorer’s crew dressed up as women.
10] Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet don’t want to co-star in a movie about Explorer.

Monday 11/26/07

SUCH SWEET SORROW… Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe has been approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “… producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” Absinthe was the liquor of choice among 19th century French Bohemians and is widely believed to have been a major contributor to Vincent Van Gogh’s decision to lop off his ear. However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

WORD PLAY… Film stars Michael York, Stacey Keach, Louis Gossett, Jr., Terence Stamp and Oscar-winner Marisa Tomei voice the biblical characters in an audio CD of the King James version of the New Testament. Titled “Word of Promise,” the boxed set sells for $49.99. Major credit here goes to the William Morris Agency who, after decades of unsuccessful attempts, were finally able to sign Jesus as a client. After the Big Guy caved, the others quickly followed --- Peter, Paul, Mary Magdalaine --- who wanted to be billed on the promotional tour as “Peter, Paul and Mary,” but were dissuaded by Morris’s legal department which also was instrumental in convincing Moses that he couldn’t have his contract carved on stone tablets.

HOORAY NRA … A 24-year old firearms enthusiast accidentally deposited a fatal bullet in his head while preparing to get in some target practice at a Riverside, CA firing range. The unfortunate incident provides even further evidence, if such be necessary, that “Guns don’t kill people. People practicing to kill people with a gun kill people.”
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“It was a day in paradise.”

Fred Thompson 11/24/07 At a Ladson, SC gun show

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PRELUDE TO ‘08?... In a major repudiation of Bush and his policies, Australians overwhelmingly rejected Prime Minister John Howard at the polls and elected leftist Paul Rudd to replace him. Rudd immediately issued a statement that his first act as PM would be to withdraw all troops from Iraq and sign the Keyoto Protocol, leaving the US the lone holdout. Rudd means business. He’s even demanded that Bush return the Australian sheepskin seat cover on his bicycle.

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT… One2believe.com offers Moses and Mary dolls at $20 a copy. Press a button on her back and Mary announces “With God, all things are possible.” For $30, she’ll add two choruses of the Notre Dame fight song.

RESTED, ROBED & READY… The pope has consecrated 23 new cardinals. Reported AP: “To the applause of the crowd, each knelt down before Benedict, who from a gilded papal throne on the altar of St. Peter’s Basilica, placed a red hat on each man’s head. Tomorrow, he’ll give each new “prince” of the Church his cardinal’s ring.” Gone unreported are the numerous perks that accompany the elevation, including:

1] Upgrade to First Class on papal air carrier Blessed Virgin Atlantic
2] Two-For-One coupons at Papa John XXIII’s Pizza in Castle Gondolfo
3] Unlimited 900 calls and Latin text messaging
4] Penthouse suites at Vatican’s hotel chain, Day’s Room at the Inn
5] Cut rate ecclesiastical outfits at official Church clothier, Immaculate Hart, Shaftner & Marx

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“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.”

George W. Bush 10/3/01 Washington, DC
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Friday 11/23/07

CONDOMONIUM… Olympic officials have announced that free condoms will be supplied in all Beijing hotel rooms during the 2008 Games. Nice gesture, but since they’re endorsed by the Chinese government, they only prevent female births.

GREGORY PECKED… Pope Benedict XVI has issued an order banning “popular music” in all Vatican buildings -- including those decadent Gregorian chants ground out by that depraved order of monks between 675 and 750 AD.

HO, HO, HO… Bob Barker has been chosen as the Grand Marshal of this year’s revamped Hollywood Santa Parade. And Barker drove a hard bargain. Santa had to agree to get a vasectomy.

EMPTY PROMISE… There is new evidence that the Pentagon has underreported cases of brain injuries sustained by the military in Iraq and Afghanistan by 20,000 cases. Twenty thousand and one if you count their brain-dead commander-in-chief.
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“I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome.”

George W. Bush 12/12/05 Philadelphia, PA
______________________________________________
[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
______________________________________________
LAY-DEE!… Former French president Jacques Chirac is under investigation for awarding phony jobs to cronies while serving as mayor of Paris for 18 years. Officials became suspicious when they noticed the manager of the Eiffel Tower is Jerry Lewis.

WE’RE OFF TO SEE… Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” have been awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. But there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.

DOOR JAMMERS… Democratic senators are standing “sentry duty” in their chambers during the Thanksgiving holiday to prevent Bush from sneaking back to make recess appointments of unqualified nominees for vacant positions. Cheney is easier to keep track of. They put a 24 hour GPS monitor on his pacemaker.
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“Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we’re not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We’re a party that welcomes people.”

George W. Bush 7/01/00 Cleveland, OH
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FAMILY TREE… An infestation of wild pigs is damaging farms, fields and woodlands throughout Texas. Zoologists have traced the destructive species to a single pair of hogs imported from Africa in 1784 that appear to be distant relatives of Tom DeLay.

BUZZ CUT… Hundreds of Christmas trees harvested from forests in the northwest and shipped to Honolulu arrived infested with wasps. Which were immediately rounded up and sold to tourists as “interactive ornaments.”

THRONE POEM… Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. It must be remembered, though, that 60 is only twelve in Camilla Parker Bowles years.
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[] BULLETIN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
________________________________________________

PIT STOP… Pennys gave post-Thanksgiving shoppers a head start by opening their doors at 4 am. Which is great for the gals, but if a guy is in the doorway of a Pennys at 4 am, he’s usually taking a leak.

TOT TOGS… Proudnewbabywear.com offers clothes for toddlers with inscriptions on them like “What happens at Grandma’s, stays at Grandma’s.” They even have one for newborns that says “Nine months all alone in there and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

FLORA & FAUNA… The roof of Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock is planted with energy-saving strawberries, ferns, switch grass and other greenery. Three times daily, Monica Lewinsky presents an excerpt from “Swan Lake” accompanied by the theme from “Fantasia.”

SLEIGH TRAILER… The US Postal Service now requires volunteers who answer letters to Santa to sign a liability release and provide a photo ID. They wanted Santa to wear an ankle bracelet but the ACLU complained.

Wednesday 11/21/07

PRAZE D’LAWD… Romney says “Jesus Christ is my personal lord and savior“… Obama promises that he’ll be “an instrument of God”… McCain says “Christianity is an important part of our qualifications to lead”… and Hillary claims she experiences “the presence of the Holy Spirit on many occasions.” If Jesus isn’t collecting hefty royalties from all this, he’s the least business savvy redeemer in history.

OLE, PEPE!… The 200-torreador strong “Original Bullfighting Dwarfs” are popular additions to fairs and festivals throughout Mexico. And in the winter, they sneak across the Rio Grande to take the dwarf bullfighting jobs American dwarfs are unwilling to do.

UPRIGHT POSITION… The St. Louis airport has installed rocking chairs for passengers awaiting flights. Those in the Jet Blue waiting area can be delayed up to eight hours before being allowed to rock.
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“We’ve tripled the amount of money --- I believe it’s from $50 million up to $195 million available.”

George W. Bush 3/23/02 Lima, Peru
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GUTTENBERG’S RETREAT… A recent study conducted by the National Endowment of the Arts shows that less than 38% of Americans read at least one book for pleasure last year. Zero percent of sitting presidents.

GROSSLY PANDEMIC… The holiday classic “Love in the Time of Cholera” opened nationwide to a paltry $1.9 million. Prompting the producers to rethink the planned sequel, “Four Weddings and the Black Plague.”

BIONIC COLONIC… Viewers who tuned in for the second week of NBC’s mega-hyped “Bionic Woman” dropped 50%. Her fate is even worse than cancellation. She’s going to be disassembled.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. Pacific. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour News Radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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RHYME MANGLERS… Voted best new rap hip hop band at this week’s “American Music Awards” was “Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony.” They barely edged out “Skin, Blood-n-Pointless Noise.”

YOU HAVE MAIL… A new book containing 289 letters exchanged between John Adams and his wife Abigail written during the founding of the republic was released this week. But the authenticity of “Dearest Friend: Letters of Abigail and John Adams” is facing a serious challenge. They were e-mails.

PAPER TIGER… Character actor Dick Wilson, who as Mr. Whipple pleaded with shoppers to “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin” from 1964 to 1985, has died at age 91. He lived out his life in relative obscurity after being fired by Kimberly-Clark for having an illicit affair with Madge the Manicurist.
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“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”

George W. Bush 4/28/05 Washington DC
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Monday 11/19/07

NO PRENUP… A wife in Miniola, NY is claiming that the church her husband founded should be considered community property in their divorce proceedings, citing as precedent the groundbreaking 1708 case in which the wife of Pope Valvoline XIV was ordered to convey to his estranged wife a half interest in his popular “Sodom & Gomorrah” chain of strip clubs as well as their Sea of Galilee beach house.

MOBY DORKS… In their first major Japanese whale hunt since the 1963 moratorium, the whaler Nissan Mara will kill 50 humpbacks, 935 Minkes and 50 Fin whales. All will be shipped fresh to Benihana of Tokyo for their popular “Once They’re Gone They’re Gone Threatened and Endangered Species Seafood Platter.”

RINGER DING DING… John Edwards paid a surprise visit to Burbank, CA and joined Writers Guild strikers on the picket line. Not to be outdone, Hillary sent a hand picked surrogate to pretend she was a Guild member.

CUTTING EDGE… OJ Simpson has been held over to stand trial on kidnapping and armed robbery charges. Evidence now shows that when the defendant asked an associate to “bring heat,” he didn’t mean a gun---he meant his weapon of choice: a warm Ginzu knife.
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“And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings.”

George W. Bush 12/10/04 Ft. Belvoir, VA
________________________________________________
[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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JURASSIC HOOVER… Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert have been placed on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rosie O’Donnell Rex.”

PUMP YOU UP… Former SF Giant Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for allegedly lying to federal prosecutors about his use of anabolic steroids. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t flaunted his increasing bulk by using his batting helmet as a Jacuzzi.

KODAK MOMENT… Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”

WE’RE DOIN’ FINE… Oklahomans are commemorating the 100th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.

LETTER IMPERFECT… Six cheerleaders at a Ripon, CA high school mooned the fans in the stands by flashing their underpants to spell out “INDIANS #1.” Unfortunately, they somehow broke formation and spelled out “Britney Spears.”

________________________________________________
[] THIS JUST IN! To catch late-breaking headlines the moment they hit the street, check this blog often. To insure that you don't miss a beat, it's a smart idea to add us to your "Favorites" list.
www.bereftontheleft.blogspot.com
________________________________________________

Friday 11/16/07

SLY SILVER… Sylvester Stallone, 61, will return in his third Rambo sequel after 20 years. The Green Beret will journey to Myanmar to overturn its despotic regime. Watch for age-appropriate uniforms and equipment:

1] Combination dog tag/medic alert bracelet
2] Dr. Scholl combat boots
3] Bi-focal night vision goggles
4] Electric bayonet
5] Hand grenades with orthopedic grips
6] Clapper activated tent lantern
7] Sans-a-belt flack jacket
8] Low sodium, high fiber MRE’s
9] Tank with perpetual left turn signal
10] Congestive purple heart medal

M-I-C-K-E-Y…. Officials at Disneyland warned patrons that ashes of loved ones may not be spread in the park after a woman was spotted sprinkling a “white powder” into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Let’s just hope they never dump the cryogenically frozen body of their founder in there.

ROCK SOLID… The largest white diamond ever offered at auction, an 84.37 caret stone, brought a winning bid of $16.2 million at Southeby’s. It was purchased by Kobe Bryan to buy, he hopes, at least five years of spousal forgiveness for road game indiscretions.

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“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”
George W. Bush 12/20/00 Washington DC

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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
________________________________________________

DRILL… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced more stringent anti-terrorist security precautions at restaurants, theaters, schools and other places people regularly gather. Needless to say, dentist offices are not on the list.

Pssssss… Starbucks now sells a high-end espresso machine called “The Magnifica” for $999 plus accessories. A tad pricy but Juan Valdez comes to your house and grinds the beans for you.

FALLING STAR… Starbucks shares have nosedived 40% over the past year, attributed to over-saturation of the marketplace. Ah---there’s nothing like the smell of freshly roasted franchisees.

________________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington,
DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

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________________________________________________

MEIN UNIVERSHTIKOFF… A world globe found by the Allies in Hitler’s “Eagle’s Nest” in the Bavarian Alps fetched $100,000 at a San Francisco auction. Probably the real McCoy. You can see the holes where the fuehrer poked his pencil into Poland… France… Denmark… Norway… Belgium… Moscow…

ACTION!… The Los Angeles City Council has authorized funds to install dashboard video cameras in 300 LAPD patrol cars. Chief Bratton’s unmarked black Escalade will come equipped with an Emmy-winning director of “Columbo,“ an assistant cameraman from “Quincy” and the lighting director on “Diagnosis Murder.”

BOARDED UP… The National Association of Realtors reports that 38% of home mortgage holders owe more than their property is worth. Surprised? In a country that now owes more than IT’S worth?

Wednesday 11/14/07

NORMAN MAILER

1923 - 2007

QUO VADIS?… The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will pay his first visit to the US in April. Cardinal Nunzio “Pauly Ink Stains” Perino has released the pontiff’s tentative itinerary:

1] Lunch at White House. Grant full dispensation to Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld for Iraq.
2] Pose for stained glass window at the National Cathedral.
3] Appear as contestant on “American Idol” doing Rod Steiger impression.
4] Score some tickets to “Jersey Boys.”
5] Fly to Vegas, recover stolen papal memorabilia.
6] Hear Larry Craig’s confession.
7] Confer papal blessing on Madonna’s Malibu beach house.
8] Guest on “The View.”
9] Canonize Regis Philbin.
10] March in Writers Guild picket line.

GRAVE ROBBER… Cheney celebrated Veterans Day by paying a surprise visit to Arlington Cemetery’s Tomb of the Unknowns. Soldiers---not weapons of mass destruction.

WAGERMATES… Italian tennis pro Alessio Di Mauro has been suspended for betting on his own matches. No surprise here. “Alessio” is Italian for “Pete Rose.”

________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" Thursday mornings from 8:20
to 9:00 am. Pacific. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence

________________________________________________

GIFT HORSE’S MOUTH… A poll conducted by Time Magazine shows that 30% of employees who receive gifts from fellow workers end up throwing them away. Except, of course, those that were swiped from the Supply Room---those they put back.

HYPENOTIZED… The going rate for a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl is $2.7 million. Slightly more if any part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy shows.

STAGE FREIGHT… “Wicked,” “Mamma Mia,” and “Rent” are among the hit Broadway shows darkened by the Stagehands strike. Between the Stagehands Union and the Writers Guild, there hasn’t been this many picketers on the Great White Way since Giuliani threatened to impose a “hookers tax.“
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“Finally, the desk, where we’ll have our picture taken in front of is---nine other presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870’s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door.”

George W. Bush 5/5/06 Oval Office Tour
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LATTER DAY POL… Mitt Romney is debating whether to give a speech explaining the intricacies of the Mormon faith or decline to make his religion an issue. He reportedly told an aide, “If I’m so into the bible, why am I ahead XXXIII% in Ohio?”

PLANT MANAGEMENT… Hillary Clinton is denying a charge that her campaign planted a ringer among supporters to ask her a softball, pre-prepared, bogus question. If she did come up with the scheme, she’ll have a lifetime job at FEMA.

SERIUSLY, FOLKS… Don Imus will return to the air in December on Serius Radio. He hopes to get his old CBS audience back---minus the “nappy-headed ho’s,” of course.
________________________________________________
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Monday 11/12/07

CODE OF CONDUCT... While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:

1] Thou shalt kill.

2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.

3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress.

4] Takest the name either “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.”

5] Speakest thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.

6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.

7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”

8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.

9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”

10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.

DINNER MUSIC... An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”

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LOURDES II... Religious pilgrims are flocking to an Agua Dulce, CA sycamore tree, in the bark of which they claim to be able to see the Blessed Virgin Mary. Pending official licensing from the Vatican, cures are limited to non-chronic diseases.

“I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them”

George W. Bush 8/05/04 Washington DC

[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:

www.sourcebooks.com

CHEER CHEER FOR... DNA tests conducted on the body of George “Gipper” Gipp prove that he didn't, as alleged, father a child shortly before he died. Which essentially means that college football handicappers will have to look elsewhere to determine why God has put a hex on Notre Dame.

I'M SORRY... The highest ticket price in the NBA is the Lakers $89.24. Which isn't too bad when you consider that $27.60 of it goes to the “Diamond Ring for Kobe's Wife” fund.

AM I BLUE?... Former Yankee skipper Joe Torre appears to have been welcomed with open arms by LA Dodger fans, management and players alike. He's even been granted an audience with Tommy Lasorda.

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CRIPS & BLOODS... A new street gang called “Squad Up!” has taken root in Las Vegas. They're currently engaged in a violent power struggle with the strip's established gangs, the “Elvis Impersonators” and the “Jerry Vales.”

HICKSBURG.... Toyota has apologized to the city of Fresno for a TV commercial that referred to it as “a low budget tourist stop.” They've instructed their ad agency to re-shoot the spot using Bakersfield.

RING-A-DING-DING... Dennis Kusinich's wife admitted to an interviewer that she has a tongue ring. Which was installed over the vehement objections of Dennis' urologist.

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