CODE OF CONDUCT... While searching the home of mob “boss-of-bosses” Salvatore Lo Piccolo, Italian police discovered a document containing the “Ten Commandments of the Mafia.” While it's being held for evidence, we've obtained an advance copy:
1] Thou shalt kill.
2] Thou shalt not worship false gods with the exception of Francis Ford Coppola.
3] Honor thy father and thy mother and thy father's mistress.
4] Takest the name either “Vinnie” or “Nunzio.”
5] Speakest thou like Marlon Brando in the Godfather.
6] Stuffeth not more than three bodies into the trunk of thy Cadillac.
7] Never whacketh anyone named “Bob.”
8] Sit with thy back to the wall while dining in public.
9] Never misseth a rerun of “The Sopranos.”
10] Forgetith not that the Pope calls the shots.
DINNER MUSIC... An Italian author and art buff claims he has discovered a musical staff on the surface Leonardo Da Vinci's “The Last Supper” with objects on the table representing the notes of a song. Sacred musicologists are at odds over whether the notes comprise “Hey Jude” or the theme from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
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LOURDES II... Religious pilgrims are flocking to an Agua Dulce, CA sycamore tree, in the bark of which they claim to be able to see the Blessed Virgin Mary. Pending official licensing from the Vatican, cures are limited to non-chronic diseases.
“I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them”
George W. Bush 8/05/04 Washington DC
[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
CHEER CHEER FOR... DNA tests conducted on the body of George “Gipper” Gipp prove that he didn't, as alleged, father a child shortly before he died. Which essentially means that college football handicappers will have to look elsewhere to determine why God has put a hex on Notre Dame.
I'M SORRY... The highest ticket price in the NBA is the Lakers $89.24. Which isn't too bad when you consider that $27.60 of it goes to the “Diamond Ring for Kobe's Wife” fund.
AM I BLUE?... Former Yankee skipper Joe Torre appears to have been welcomed with open arms by LA Dodger fans, management and players alike. He's even been granted an audience with Tommy Lasorda.
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CRIPS & BLOODS... A new street gang called “Squad Up!” has taken root in Las Vegas. They're currently engaged in a violent power struggle with the strip's established gangs, the “Elvis Impersonators” and the “Jerry Vales.”
HICKSBURG.... Toyota has apologized to the city of Fresno for a TV commercial that referred to it as “a low budget tourist stop.” They've instructed their ad agency to re-shoot the spot using Bakersfield.
RING-A-DING-DING... Dennis Kusinich's wife admitted to an interviewer that she has a tongue ring. Which was installed over the vehement objections of Dennis' urologist.
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