Monday 12/3/07

TICK, TICK, TICK… In Rochester, New Hampshire, a mentally deranged man took a dozen hostages and for the next six hours threatened to blow up Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters. Within minutes following his surrender, officials from the McCain, Romney and Huckabee campaigns demanded equal hostages.

CARD GAME… During the GOP debate, Romney accused Giuliani of turning New York into a “sanctuary city” for undocumented aliens. Giuliani responded by accusing Mitt of hiring household help without benefit of green cards. But Mitt quickly recovered by pointing out that, green cards or not, they were all Mormons.

SNIP, SNIP… In his new book, “Think Big and Kick Ass,” Donald Trump advises readers: “When somebody screws you, screw them back in spades.” A rule that doesn’t apply, apparently, to his barber.


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DELICATES DELINQUENT… Among the 100,000 pages of newly-released records compiled during the presidency of Richard Nixon, researchers have discovered evidence that Mark Felt, the FBI agent who was later identified as “Deep Throat,” was briefly considered by Nixon to be named successor to J. Edgar Hoover. Unfortunately, his wardrobe wasn‘t suitable for the job. Nothing but men’s clothing.

CHECK OUT TIME… Giuliani is denying reports that, following his extra-marital trysts with Judith Nathan, he charged hotel bills in the Hamptons to unrelated city departments in order to cover his adulterous trail. Probably won‘t tarnish his super-mayor image, though. He was always careful they did it in room 911.

BLACK KETTLE… Former Senator Henry Hyde who oversaw the Republican drive to impeach Bill Clinton, later admitting his own adulterous affair which he described as “a youthful indiscretion,” died at age 83. In Hank’s memory, the GOP plans to award Hank, posthumously, their coveted Larry Craig Hypocrite of the Year Award.

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FAGETABOUTIT… A one-day walkout by 300,000 Italian transport workers idled the country’s planes, busses, and trains. All except vehicles essential to the public’s welfare like fire engines, ambulances, pizza delivery vans…

THAT SMARTS… Hospitals across the country are reporting an increase in cases of “anesthesia awareness,” incidents in which surgery patients wake up, are unable to signal their distress, and later report a feeling of being “buried alive.” Or, as Bush’s attorney general nominee would describe it -- “water boarding.”

PIPE DREAMS… Evel Kneival, who broke thirty bones and required 200 units of blood over his fifty years as a record-breaking daredevil, has died at age 69. In his memory, Congress is considering a bill that would rename the Iraq War after him -- on the grounds that its planning and execution stood about as much chance of success as Evel jumping across the Grand Canyon.


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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.