Monday 12/10/07

DON’T KNOW NOTHIN’… The Justice Department and the CIA have launched a joint investigation of the alleged destruction of hundreds of hours of video tapes showing al-Qaeda terrorists undergoing what the CIA euphemistically refers to as “enhanced interrogation.” Bush disclaims knowledge of the deletions, but is characteristically vague about when he was told about them. Teddy Kennedy calls the disappearing tapes “worse than Nixon’s missing 18 ½ minutes.” Whew, that was a bad week for professional torturers. Bush and his henchmen under the microscope and Jack Bauer sent to jail.

STRIPED CRUSADER… Keifer Sutherland who plays Jack Bauer on “24” began serving a jail sentence of 48 days imposed by an LA judge for a probation violation. Kind of makes you wonder which two episodes the judge didn’t like.
NET BLUE… Discount airline Jet Blue will be the first carrier to offer free internet access on all flights. Flight attendants have already begun warning passengers on landing to “Place your seats, trays and laptops in a secure upright position.”

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[] HAPPY NEW YEAR: Again this January 1, Bob will co-host an audio description of the Rose Parade for the Los Angeles Radio Reading Service for the Blind. Heard by 1.7 million listeners nationwide via NPR satellite, the broadcast will be streamed live from Pasadena on line at 8am to 11am Pacific Time on www.larrs.org. Password: independence.
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DRAFT PICKS… Only $57,000 from Mike Ditka’s “Hall of Fame Assistance Trust Fund,” which has raised $1.3 million for needy former NFL players, has been distributed. Ditka blames their “fear of filling out forms.“ Thanks to being allowed to skip all those English classes in college.

SHOP ‘TIL YOU DROP… Homeland Security officials have vowed to make shopping malls less attractive to terrorists. Some safety improvements to look for:

1] Blackwater-trained department store Santas
2] Plainclothes federal marshals on all escalators
3] Surveillance cameras concealed in Mrs. Field’s cookies
4] Pepper spray in selected perfume counter atomizers
5] Evacuation instructions sung by Barry Manilow on Muzak system
6] See-thru shopping bags
7] Complimentary flack jackets with mall’s logo
8] Larry Craig type warning signs in fitting rooms
9] Cinabun hand grenades
10] Designer hostage wear
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585

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CENSORSHIP… The Vatican’s L’Osservatore Romano reports the discovery of a 1563 red chalk sketch by Michelangelo instructing stonecutters to make corrections to his design at St. Peter’s Basilica. Seems he was told to remove his bas relief depiction of Pope Lascivious XI’s mistress.

SKIN GAME…. Suspended NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones pleaded no contest to reduced charges of disorderly conduct for agreeing to testify in a strip club shooting that left a man paralyzed. A separate charge of impersonating a rapper was dismissed.

SPINNER… Roger M. King, co-founder of King World Productions which brought “Wheel of Fortune” to the TV screen has passed away. Cause of death will be delayed until his doctors buy three more vowels.
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[] CHINA ON DVD! Join Bob as he returns to the Peoples Republic after 30 years! See Beijing’s Forbidden City and Great Wall, Xian’s Terra Cotta Warriors, Three Gorges, Yue Yang Tower, the Wuhan Museum, Mt. Jiu Hua, Old Shanghai and much more! Thirty-three minutes of sights and sounds of China. Send cash, check or MO for $US15 ($12+$3 S&H) to: Bob Mills China DVD 11684 Ventura Blvd. Suite 843, Studio City, CA 91604. Allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.
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GRAND OL’ OPRAH… Despite claiming she felt “out of her pew,” Oprah Winfrey hit the presidential campaign trail for the first time, stumping with Barack Obama in Des Moines and Cedar Rapids, Iowa. She’s also helping Barack behind the scenes, too. So far, she’s given him three new cars, adopted two of his kids and promised to endorse his next book.

FAMILY TIES… Hillary Clinton responded to the Oprah invasion by appearing with her mother, Dorothy Rodham and daughter, Chelsea. Aides say she even considered dragging out Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE… The State Department released a list of gifts received by Bush administration officials from foreign leaders. It includes an $11,000 Cartier Santos Dumont watch given to Bush by the prime minister of Thailand. Mickey’s eyes are genuine emeralds and he points to the numbers with white diamond gloves.
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“If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.”

George W. Bush 12/18/00 Washington, DC
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TRUSTED ASSOCIATES… At the UN Climate Conference in Bali, Bush administration officials have refused mandatory caps on greenhouse gasses, insisting that private industry should be allowed to impose their own caps. You know, like allowing R. J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and P. Lorrilard to decide how many people to kill each year.

FINAL CURTAIN… Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life. Which explains the Writers Guild picket line around Riverview Cemetery.

ROLL ‘EM!… Hollywood movie studios are shooting more and more films in less costly Eastern European locations like Lithuania (“War and Peace,” “Cold Mountain”). Romania and Bulgaria are often scouted for locations but usually rejected due to lack of technical facilities and skilled crews. Which accounts for the limited success of the recent documentary “The History of the Goiter,” and the comedy/musical “There’s a Girl in My Borscht.”