NO PRENUP… A wife in Miniola, NY is claiming that the church her husband founded should be considered community property in their divorce proceedings, citing as precedent the groundbreaking 1708 case in which the wife of Pope Valvoline XIV was ordered to convey to his estranged wife a half interest in his popular “Sodom & Gomorrah” chain of strip clubs as well as their Sea of Galilee beach house.
MOBY DORKS… In their first major Japanese whale hunt since the 1963 moratorium, the whaler Nissan Mara will kill 50 humpbacks, 935 Minkes and 50 Fin whales. All will be shipped fresh to Benihana of Tokyo for their popular “Once They’re Gone They’re Gone Threatened and Endangered Species Seafood Platter.”
RINGER DING DING… John Edwards paid a surprise visit to Burbank, CA and joined Writers Guild strikers on the picket line. Not to be outdone, Hillary sent a hand picked surrogate to pretend she was a Guild member.
CUTTING EDGE… OJ Simpson has been held over to stand trial on kidnapping and armed robbery charges. Evidence now shows that when the defendant asked an associate to “bring heat,” he didn’t mean a gun---he meant his weapon of choice: a warm Ginzu knife.
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“And so during these holiday seasons, we thank our blessings.”
George W. Bush 12/10/04 Ft. Belvoir, VA
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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JURASSIC HOOVER… Fossils from a 110 million year old dinosaur found in the Sahara Desert have been placed on display at the headquarters of the National Geographic Society. The specimen, which had a large shovel-like mouth is believed to have survived by sucking in food like a giant vacuum cleaner. Paleontologists have named the prehistoric creature “Rosie O’Donnell Rex.”
PUMP YOU UP… Former SF Giant Barry Bonds has been indicted on perjury and obstruction of justice charges for allegedly lying to federal prosecutors about his use of anabolic steroids. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn’t flaunted his increasing bulk by using his batting helmet as a Jacuzzi.
KODAK MOMENT… Photo experts at the Smithsonian Museum believe they have discovered the image of Abraham Lincoln among the huge crowd waiting to hear him deliver the Gettysburg Address. Under intense microscopic examination, he appears to be buying two tickets to the Ford Theater from a notorious scalper known in Virginia as “Balcony Bob.”
WE’RE DOIN’ FINE… Oklahomans are commemorating the 100th anniversary of statehood with year-long celebrations. They’re glad they belong to the land and the land they belong to is grand.
LETTER IMPERFECT… Six cheerleaders at a Ripon, CA high school mooned the fans in the stands by flashing their underpants to spell out “INDIANS #1.” Unfortunately, they somehow broke formation and spelled out “Britney Spears.”
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