Wednesday 11/14/07

1923 - 2007

QUO VADIS?… The Vatican has announced that Pope Benedict XVI will pay his first visit to the US in April. Cardinal Nunzio “Pauly Ink Stains” Perino has released the pontiff’s tentative itinerary:

1] Lunch at White House. Grant full dispensation to Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld for Iraq.
2] Pose for stained glass window at the National Cathedral.
3] Appear as contestant on “American Idol” doing Rod Steiger impression.
4] Score some tickets to “Jersey Boys.”
5] Fly to Vegas, recover stolen papal memorabilia.
6] Hear Larry Craig’s confession.
7] Confer papal blessing on Madonna’s Malibu beach house.
8] Guest on “The View.”
9] Canonize Regis Philbin.
10] March in Writers Guild picket line.

GRAVE ROBBER… Cheney celebrated Veterans Day by paying a surprise visit to Arlington Cemetery’s Tomb of the Unknowns. Soldiers---not weapons of mass destruction.

WAGERMATES… Italian tennis pro Alessio Di Mauro has been suspended for betting on his own matches. No surprise here. “Alessio” is Italian for “Pete Rose.”

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GIFT HORSE’S MOUTH… A poll conducted by Time Magazine shows that 30% of employees who receive gifts from fellow workers end up throwing them away. Except, of course, those that were swiped from the Supply Room---those they put back.

HYPENOTIZED… The going rate for a 30-second commercial during the Super Bowl is $2.7 million. Slightly more if any part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy shows.

STAGE FREIGHT… “Wicked,” “Mamma Mia,” and “Rent” are among the hit Broadway shows darkened by the Stagehands strike. Between the Stagehands Union and the Writers Guild, there hasn’t been this many picketers on the Great White Way since Giuliani threatened to impose a “hookers tax.“

“Finally, the desk, where we’ll have our picture taken in front of is---nine other presidents used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870’s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door.”

George W. Bush 5/5/06 Oval Office Tour

LATTER DAY POL… Mitt Romney is debating whether to give a speech explaining the intricacies of the Mormon faith or decline to make his religion an issue. He reportedly told an aide, “If I’m so into the bible, why am I ahead XXXIII% in Ohio?”

PLANT MANAGEMENT… Hillary Clinton is denying a charge that her campaign planted a ringer among supporters to ask her a softball, pre-prepared, bogus question. If she did come up with the scheme, she’ll have a lifetime job at FEMA.

SERIUSLY, FOLKS… Don Imus will return to the air in December on Serius Radio. He hopes to get his old CBS audience back---minus the “nappy-headed ho’s,” of course.
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