Friday 12/07/07

QUO VADIS?… Seeking to answer nervous Republican evangelicals suspicious of his devout Mormonism, Mitt Romney delivered a speech in Texas assuring voters that religion will not dictate his actions as president. Some skeptics questioned the governor’s sincerity, however, pointing out that he addressed the crowd from a burning bush.

HOLY NEVERLAND… With an $84 million priest pedophile settlement hanging around its ecclesiastical neck, the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Boston has deeded the three-story mansion formerly occupied by disgraced Cardinal Bernard Law to Boston College. Which plans to convert it into a “Museum of Shame and Penance,” in which tourists will be able to visit His Excellency’s “War Room” complete with maps showing the secret locations of priests he “re-assigned” to avoid prosecution.

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I SOLEMNLY SWEAR…An online survey conducted by Harris Interactive showed that 40% of the 13 to 18 year old students questioned said they believe its okay to lie, cheat and plagiarize in order to succeed in school. However, the results were invalidated when further questioning revealed that 37% of them had lied about their age… 23% had cheated on their qualifying questionnaire… and 48% had copied answers from the student sitting next to them.

SFO HMO… Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco now offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.

“We need to apply twenty-first century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our health care records put on the I.T.”

George W. Bush 1/5/05 Collinsville, ILL

TEMPTATION… University of Oslo paleontologists working in the Svalbard Islands in the Arctic found the 150 million year old remains of a “monster reptile” estimated to have been 30 feet long. The half-eaten apple and two fig leaves found nearby have been turned over to the school’s theology department for further study.

TOE TAPPING… Archeologists in the ancient city of Herculaneum near Pompeii have found in the ruins of the Villa dei Papari, the home of Julius Caesar’s father-in-law, what they believe is the first known example of a Roman throne. Above the stall in which it’s located is carved the Latin inscription: “Ad Hoc Siteo Locationum Creigiatus Laurencio.” Which in English is: “Larry Craig Sat Here.”

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