THURSDAY, March 1, 2012

Bill Maher told CNN’s Piers Morgan that prayer is “nothing more than trying to communicate with your imaginary friend.”  Maybe Bill, but just wait until the imaginary friend decides to give your pot supplier a heart attack just as he‘s ringing your doorbell.

A Catholic church in Columbus, Ohio celebrated Ash Wednesday by distributing ashes in a special drive-thru lane.  They got the idea from  church in Cleveland that recently began allowing parishioners to go the confession using a drive-thru lane they named “Toot-N-Tell.”

GOP Oval Office hopeful Rick Santorum told supporters that John Kennedy’s endorsement of “Separation of Church and State” made him sick to his stomach.  Strange since he seems to embrace the concept of “Separation of Brain and Common Sense.”

The sister ship of the ill-fated Costa Concordia had its engines suddenly quit while cruising the Indian Ocean.  When reporters tried to contact the captain of the Costa Allegra for an update on conditions aboard, they were told he had already taken a lifeboat heading for shore.

Health officials in Mexico have announced that the obesity epidemic affecting Americans has leaked south of the border.  In fact, it’s so bad, you can’t even do the Mexican hat dance anymore.  The hats have become so big, by the time you can dance around one, everyone has gone home.
 

WEDNESDAY, February 29, 2012

Sean Stone, the son of Oliver Stone, recently visited Iran and while there converted to the Islam religion, changing his name to Ali.  And following in his dad’s footsteps, he’s now claiming there was a second shooter in the assassination of Osama bin Laden.

Officials in Pakistan have demolished the Abbottabad compound where Navy Seals killed Osama bin Laden.  As the building was torn down, the wrecking ball exposed several hidden rooms including a kiln for curing beaver pelts used in making fake beards, and a dressing room for forty-two virgins.

In Puerto Villarta, Mexico, thirty passengers on a shore excursion from a Princess cruise ship were held up at gunpoint by bandits.  But Princess PR officials managed to make the best of it by re-naming the excursion the “I Don’t Got to Show You No Stinking Badges Adventure.” 
 
The FDA will soon approve a compound made from spider venom that may be used to treat erectile dysfunction.  Strict warning label required, though -- “See your doctor if it lasts longer than four hours or starts spinning a web.”

Apple Computers has partnered with LensCrafters to market a computer screen that can be displayed on eyeglass lenses and seen only by the wearer.  They haven’t chosen a very appealing name for the new computer, though -- the “LensCrapple.”

TUESDAY, February 28, 2012

Memorable night at the Academy Awards.  Biggest surprise was the Oscar for Best Supporting Animal.  When the winner was announced, Sasha Baron Cohen’s Doberman in “Hugo” got so excited, he ate two other nominees -- the Charles Russell terrier in “The Artist” and Charlize Theron’s Pomeranian in “Young Adult.”

Currently undergoing rigorous background vetting to insure there are no surprises, hoop sensation Jeremy Lin is poised to sign the most lucrative endorsement deals in the history of professional sports.  And he’s been told that he’d be even more marketable if he’d marry Adele.

A high school in Cincinnati, Ohio promises to issue a Visa card with a $25 credit for perfect attendance and good deportment.  Kids who can stick to Michelle Obama’s child dietary guidelines get a Diners Club card.

The Food and Drug Administration has indicated that it will approve marijuana in an aerosol spray for pain relief.  According to his friends, Willie Nelson is ecstatic.  He plans to use it on his tour bus as an air freshener.

Once headed for NBA hoop legend status, former scoring champ Alan Iverson squandered $200 million in salary and endorsement deals, is broke and owes an Atlanta jeweler $860,000.  We thought Kobe’s wife was unforgiving -- Alan’s must be absolutely impossible.

MONDAY, February 27, 2012

A vending machine outside the student union at Shippensburg College contains female morning-after tablets.  The most popular brand is “Good Morning, Eve” from Johnson & Johnson, advertised with the slogan “Why take a chance on something that’s probably been in his wallet for a year and a half?”

Pleading diplomatic immunity, Prince Albert of Monaco will avoid facing charges that arose from a brawl at a popular Manhattan pub.  According to police, the prince took offense when another guy at the bar accused his mom of living with Jimmy Stewart in “Rear Window” without benefit of clergy.

Kim Kardashian has been advised by her accountants that her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries was disastrous for her various businesses.  She’s not alone.  Her quickie marriage adversely effected wedding-related businesses nationwide.  The only sales that showed gains were wash-and-wear wedding gowns.

A convict on San Quentin’s Death Row protesting prison food, beat his executioner by dying of malnutrition.  You have to admire his seriousness about making his point.  For his last meal, he ordered roast nothing on a bed of fried nothing, a side of mixed nothing, washed down by a vintage bottle of nothing.  No dessert. 

The Boy Scouts of America turn 100 years old this year.  Things have sure changed since I was a Scout.  Used to be you had to demonstrate woodsmanship and outdoor survival methods.  Nowadays, a Scout can earn a merit badge for memorizing all the apps available for his I-Phone.

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 24, 25, 26, 2012

Michelle Obama caught flack from Republicans for taking her sixteenth  vacation, spending the Presidents Day Weekend skiing with her girls in Vail.  But she did exercise one official duty by placing a wreath on the tomb of Spider Savitch.

Under the Department of Homeland Security’s new “friendly flyer” program, those who use the airlines twice a month or more may submit personal info in advance to avoid being searched.  More than three times a month, they qualify for a free pre-flight cocktail with the pilot.

Fans want Israel to postpone attacking Iran until Madonna performs there in May.  This is getting a little out-of-hand.  Last April, they tried to delay major league baseball’s opening day until she had dated all of the Yankees.

Los Angeles beach-goers were stunned when County officials banned dog-walking, alcoholic drinks, tobacco use and Frisbee or football tossing.  Exempt from the ban are objects one might find already there like medical waste, used condoms, plastic bottles, syringes, shopping carts. . .

Scientists in Denmark have developed test tube hamburgers made from bovine stem cells.  Rick Santorum immediately condemned them telling reporters that “if God had intended humans to create hamburgers he would have made Ronald McDonald a pope by now.”

THURSDAY, February 23, 2012

The Food Net’s Ann Thornton was caught stealing recipes.  She first gained notoriety in the 1950s as a graduate student studying nutrition at Harvard when she slept with visiting lecturer Col. Harlan Sanders and got him to reveal his eight secret herbs and spices.

Italian prosecutors will soon indict the Costa Concordia captain with 36 counts of manslaughter.  Looks like it won’t be long before an invitation to dine at the Captain’s Table will require that you bring your own tray and tin cup.

While swimming off the South African coast, pop thrush Shakira was assaulted by a sea lion.  Turns out he actually meant her no harm.  He just wanted a professional critique of his rendition of “Humoresque” on the xylophone.  

Harry Potter’s Emma Watson will play the lead in a planned live-action version of “Beauty and the Beast.”  The captain of the Costa Concordia has communicated to the Disney organization through his lawyers that he’s interested in auditioning for the Beast.

A living plant has been grown from seeds frozen in Siberian permafrost
for 30,000 years.  According to scientists who discovered them, a note scratched into a rock found nearby suggests that the flowers were a peace offering from Fred Flintstone to his wife Wilma following a spat.

WEDNESDAY, February 22, 2012

Lindsay Lohan got good news and bad news last week.  Bad news is she owes $140,000 in back taxes.  Good news, she’s hosting “Saturday Night Live” and it will mark the first time the SNL cast will present an IRS sketch with a real IRS auditor.

A nude shopper who weighed 300 pounds showed up at a Pittsburgh Wal Mart and stole a pair of black socks.  Turns out he was a porn actor buying wardrobe for his role in the now-filming “Debbie Does the Dallas Cowboys.”

Coincidentally, the guy was the only 300-pounder mentioned in the news last week -- unless, of course, you count New Jersey‘s Governor Christie.

The co-host of a popular British TV archeology series left the show after a former fashion model was hired as his on-air partner.  Actually, the model demanded that the producers sack him after he refused to stop referring to her on-camera as "Airheadonus rex."

Launched last year amid much hype and hysteria, Oprah’s new cable channel OWN can’t seem to attract viewers.  Seems nobody is tuning in --  nobody. Stedman confessed to reporters that he only watches it for sex.

TUESDAY, February 21, 2012

Last week, pomp and circumstance ruled the day in Washington as President Barack Obama welcomed the man slated to become China's next president, Vice President Xi Jinping.  Obama took him on a guided tour during which Jinping was thrilled to meet American leaders that included Joe Biden, John Boehner and Jeremy Lin.

Two plainclothes federal agents on duty in their Los Angeles office got into a gunfight that was broken up only when another agent plugged the agent who drew first.  Internal Affairs investigators have determined that the dispute arose when one made fun of the other by reminding him that his biggest pinch was Martha Stewart.

Social scientists are at a loss to explain why, in a nation with staggering unemployment, the sale of premium-priced hard liquor like Grey Goose Vodka and Crown-Royal Bourbon has eclipsed once-popular beer sales.  One possibility -- upscale rehab centers routinely favor applicants addicted to more expensive substances.    

Three hikers were rescued after spending six days and nights in a cold, wet Oregon forest. They told police they were saved by a hermit who's been living in a cave for 30 years.  Yeah, right.  Who's D.B. Cooper?

MONDAY, February 20, 2012

Hugh Hefner's 20 year-old son Marston has been charged with asasulting his girlfriend, 2011 Playmate Claire Sinclair.  Maybe it's all for the best.  Geneticists warn that if the son of the inventor of the Playmate marries a Playmate, there's a 40% chance that their offspring will be born with staples across their stomach.

Federal investigators are examining complaints that school authorities in North Carolina reportedly made teen-age girls flip their bras up during a concealed  weapons search.  Teachers blame the popularity of Smith & Wessen's new Cross-Your-Heart C Cup semi-automatic.

Preparing for the eagerly-awaited March debut of the iPad3, Apple's factory workers in Maylasia are toiling in three shifts, round the clock.  In fact, they've been so busy, they barely had time to fill out Angelina Jolie's adoption application.

The most valuable franchise in the NBA is are now the Los Angeles Lakers, barely edging out the New York Knicks.  Factors considered included yearly ticket sales, player salaries,  stadium value and a pile of diamond rings found in Kobe Bryant's locker.

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 17, 18, 19, 2012

The Beach Boys, celebrating 50 years in the business, were honored at the Grammy Awards.  There were a few telltale signs that ol' Father Time has taken his toll, though -- like surf boards with safety rails... IV tubes that outnumber the guitar cords... and the lyric change from "I get around" to "I barely get around."

N.A.S.A. has opened bidding for a company to build "space taxis" to deliver astronauts to orbiting space station.  Actually this is NASA's second invitation for bids.   A New York taxi company was awarded the contract, but it had to be canceled.  The prototype models smelled too much of urine and Christmas tree deodorizers.

New Hampshire is about to pass the first law allowing businesses to refuse service to non-heterosexual married couples.  There are a few exemptions, though -- Ikea, the Pottery Barn, manufacturers of tight jeans or loafers with tassels and scalpers of tickets to Broadway musicals.

An inventive judge in Florida sentenced a man he'd found guilty of spousal abuse to take his wife to the Red Lobster to celebrate her birthday.  Unfortunately, they were back in court within a week.  Seems she ordered the all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp for herself and the Crayons and coloring book for him.

THURSDAY, February 16, 2012

Shortly after being sworn in as North Korea's new premier, Kim Jon Un unceremoniously replaced the longtime news anchorette on the state-run television channel with a younger woman closer to his age.  Who knew Paula Abdul even spoke Korean? 

In response to complaints from passengers, Alaska Airlines has discontinued passing out prayer cards at each seat.  But they haven't phased out their religious ties completely.  At check-in, you can now request an aisle seat or a stained-glass window seat.

The FAA released stats on flight arrivals and departures at major airports and Newark, New Jersey ranks lowest in the nation in on-time departures.  Hey, give the ground crews a break.  You ever tried to get a flight out on time with 300 dead bodies stuffed in the luggage compartment?

At the Westminster Kennel Dog Show in New York City, ex-con Martha Stewart's Chow Chow won the "Best of Breed" blue ribbon.  Genghis Khan was disqualified, though, when he was caught teaching the other dogs how to escape.

WEDNESDAY, February 15, 2012

I spent a glorious Valentines Day making mad passionate love for nine hours straight.  That's the good news.  The bad news?  My wife just found out about it.

The formerly indomitable Tiger Woods ended up carrying winner Phil Mickelson's clubs at the A.T. & T. Pebble Beach Pro-Am, finishing a dismal 15th.  The only real money he made came from his commercial endorsement of A.T.&T.'s child support and alimony app.

According to the latest college eligibility stats, U.S. high school students score the lowest in chemistry of any industrialized nation.  It's gotten so bad, some prestigious Ivy League schools now waive the usual science prerequisites and accept "meth lab" experience.

Last week was New York's annual "Fashion Week" when top designers and their models gather to show off their latest creations.  Biggest fans of the gathering are New York's subway rats who like to gnaw on the bones of models who slip through the sewer gratings.

TUESDAY, February 14, 2012

Europe is gripped in some of the worst winter weather in recent history.  Wind, rain and massive snowstorms have blanketed much of the continent from Scandinavia to the UK.  In fact France is buried in so much white stuff, last week dogs were lined up from Paris to Verdun to use the tip of the Eiffel Tower.

Kim Kardashian has revealed that she'll soon host her own bible study group.  Fans needn't fear that she'll lose her nasty-girl image, though.  She just launched a new line of perfume called "Mary Magdalene Fragrances."

Lucas Films has re-released the original "Star Wars 1" in 3-D.  Fans will thrill all over again to the adventures of Luke Skywalker, Princess Lea, Darth Vader and R2D2.  The film is being shown on a double bill with a documentary entitled "Whatever Happened to Mark Hamill?"

One of the largest babies ever recorded in China was born on Super Bowl Weekend to a couple in a town near Beijing.  The parents of the hefty 15 pound, eight ounce boy are Giants fans and named him "Eli Manning Wong."

MONDAY, February 13, 2012

Robert Wagner celebrated his 82nd birthday last week.  At a small gathering of family members, close friends, and executives from the reverse mortgage industry, Bob partied into the night and the best part -- nobody drowned in the pool. 

Jack in the Box has introduced a new menu item -- the Bacon-Flavored Milk Shake.  In their unending quest to best competitors, Jack's management rushed the announcement to beat the debut of McDonald's new French-Fry-Grease-Flavored Smoothie."

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger have been signed to appear together in action-spy thriller scheduled for release later this year.   According to our inside sources, it will be titled 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Over the Hill Boxer, Aging Philanderer."

A woman in Great Britain has entered the Guinness Book of Records by eating nothing but chicken McNuggets for fifteen years.  She credits her success to the encouragement she received from her husband, Tom, and her triplet daughters "Peep," "Peep," and "Peep."  

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 10, 11, 12, 2012

Seventy-eight-year old Joan Rivers confided to CNN 360's Anderson Cooper that she has undergone 734 plastic surgeries.  The reason she's counting is that as soon as she reaches 747, she's been offered a job as celebrity spokesperson for Boeing.

Two Princess cruise liners packed with passengers were suddenly stricken by a mysterious virus that stumped ships' doctors.  WHO entomologists are trying to track the origin of the germs and so far are certain they're not from Italy because they stayed on the ships.

The National Assembly of the Republic of North Korea passed a measure forbidding the use of cell phones anywhere in the country.  Loudest complaints came from North Korea's top fashion models -- now they have nothing to throw at their maids.

Rabbis nationwide were stunned by a report in the National Post that members of their congregations are secretly buying battery-powered sexual aids online.  Favorite among the Jewish couples is FantasyWorld's "Hava  Negila Massager."  While it vibrates, it plays a disco version of Barbra Streisand's "Not Tonight I Have a Headache" 

THURSDAY, February 9, 2012

Recently, when Facebook staged an IPO, founder Mark Zuckerberg's stock soared into the hemisphere and he's now one of the richest humans on earth.  He can afford anything he wants -- anything.  When he felt the urge to send God a shout out for his good fortune, he hired Tim Tebow to kneel for him.

Apple has dethroned Exxon as the most valuable U.S. company. unfortunately, Apple is heading down the same environmentally unfriendly path as Exxon did thirty years ago.  One of their tanker captains recently ran the I-Pad Valdez aground and it's now polluting Alaskan waters with millions of lead-based memory chips.

In a northern province of China, palm readers were predicting which kindergarten children were destined for greatness.  But Communist Party authorities quickly shut down the crystal ballers after one of them identified a future accountant who would advocate the return of all U.S. dollars as ill-gotten gains "forbidden by Confucius."

A Chinese gamer died at his console in a Taiwan game cabaret before being discovered nine hours later.  Police quickly determined that the death was explainable.  Bystanders reasonably believed that he was channeling the "corpse-in-the trunk" that's an integral element of "Grand Theft Auto: Confronting the Mob."

WEDNESDAY, February 8, 2012

After much Bollywood ballyhoo, Starbucks has been introduced throughout India with 50 more stores scheduled to open just this year.  Most popular menu item so far is the 300 rupee "Mahatma Gandhi Latte" which they won't serve you unless you're wearing a sari and agree to fast for 30 days.

Country twang-and-warble king Garth Brooks sued an Oklahoma hospital that promised to name a wing after his mom in exchange for a hefty donation.  But that's not really what prompted the lawsuit.   To add insult to injury, the hospital named the wing after Mel Brooks' mother.

Spain is currently undergoing the highest unemployment figures in their history.  No one is immune it seems.  Last week, an American tourist spotted Julio Iglasius on a freeway on-ramp holding up a sign that said "Will make another album with Willie Nelson for spare change."

Demi Moore was in the midst of a full-fledged seizure when a friend dialed 911 for what turned out to be an overdose of nitrous oxide.  Toxicologists are dismissing it as a coincidence, but the drug of choice for the guy her estranged husband replaced on "Two and a Half Men" is "obnoxious oxide."

TUESDAY, February 7, 2012

Fans and critics alike are unanimous that Madonna delivered one of the most entertaining halftime shows in Super Bowl history.  Afterward she told an interviewer that she enjoyed it almost as much as her first halftime show -- and she didn't have to follow the lions and the Christians.

Now that the dust from the Super Bowl has settled, some truly staggering statistics are emerging.  Did you know that fans across the nation consumed 450 million chicken wings?  Sobering thought.  There are now 900 million unemployed chickens nicknamed "Stumpy" trying to get a job with Colonel Sanders.

The Detroit Tigers just signed a nine-year $220 million contract with home run ace Prince Fielder.  Turns out Prince comes from a long line of royal ancestors -- his grandfather was Count Basie and his second cousin once removed was Duke Ellington.

Kim Kardashian confided to an interviewer that she's long harbored a desire to start a bible-study group for her friends.  Lesson one:  the Old Testament parable of the woman who sought out Moses following his Sermon on the Mount to ask him "Are you sure he didn't say anything about 72-day marriages? 

MONDAY, February 6, 2012

Starting next year, ballots for the annual Academy Awards awards will be computed electronically.  Apparently, they've worked out the bugs that some years back necessitated a time-consuming hand-recount after "Beverly Hills Ninja" beat out "Avatar" for Best Picture. 

Shirley McClain has been signed to join the cast of the popular PPS WWI soaper "Downton Abbey."  Shirley should fit right in.  Seems that in the sixteenth century she haunted the Abbey as the ghost of Lady Favershim in one of her previous lives.

According to county documents, Tom Cruise has purchased the hilltop Palm Springs mansion built in the 1980s by Bob and Dolores Hope.  Local realtors are breathing a sigh of relief.  While shopping for a new house, he ruined sixteen couches by jumping on them.

Yet another sign that the US economy continues to languish in the dumper, last year's housing starts were down 26%.  One building contractor is so desperate for business, he hires rappers to trash their hotel rooms.

FRI, SAT, SUN, February 3, 4, 5, 2012

According to polls, gambling receipts on this Sunday's Super Bowl will be the highest in history including an estimated $4.3 million won by the winners of office pools.  The Patriots are favored to win by 3 points and it's even money whether Madonna will experience a wardrobe malfunction.

A group of gourmet diners in an upscale Tokyo restaurant required emergency medical treatment after being served broiled blow fish testicles.  It wasn't the food that sent them to the hospital -- it was a gang of freshly-castrated blow fish who stormed the restaurant to exact their revenge.

After months of negative cash register receipts, the first Starbucks on the East Coast that opened in 1993 has called it quits.  It was simple economics.  Who'll pay $4.75 for a cup of some exotic overpriced blend of flavored hot water when they can walk down the street to another Starbucks and pay $4.50?

Spain-based SpanAir stranded over 20,000 passengers when it shut down suddenly and cancelled all lights throughout Europe.  The good news is, each stranded passenger was offered a full refund plus $5,000 for their inconvenience.  The bad news is, SpanAir is charging them $10,000 to return their luggage. 

THURSDAY, February 2, 2012

A four-year-old kindergartner in Connecticut brought nine baggies stuffed with pot for "show-and-tell."  His teacher wasn't the least bit surprised.  She'd been watching him since she noticed that he was coloring with psychedelic colors that she knew Crayola doesn't make.

For the first time since it opened, people working with visitors at Disneyland will be allowed to grow a beard.  The straitlaced outfit really hasn't conceded that much, however.  Married male employees dating another Disney employee in public are still barred from using the services of a beard.

Beginning with the Australian Open, ladies who scream while striking the ball will be penalized to discourage the practice.  Good news for the retired Monica Seles, though.  She's been told she won't have to return any of the royalties she collected every time a fem netster grunted during a televised match.

Shocking most Americans who read it, the results of a UK study on driving habits indicate that women are better at parking than men.  Of course, it's a British study that observed Brit drivers.  Over there, men tend to be more distracted because most of them suffer from constant toothaches.