Colorado Springs, CO -- Bush delivered the commencement address at the Air Force Academy, congratulating the cadets for their proud achievement. Then he placed them on full alert to prepare to supply air support of a preemptory strike on Scott McClellan.
Camp Lejeune, NC -- The Marine Corps has issued a warning to boaters to stay clear of Brown Island, long used as a bombing range but sometimes used as a recreation site, despite the warning signs. God forbid they take civilian casualties before they get to Iraq.
New York, NY -- Thousands of visiting sailors are enjoying their shore leave along the Great White Way during the Big Apple's annual "Fleet Week." Or, as the hookers refer to it, "winning the lottery."
Baghdad, IRAQ -- US Ambassador Ryan Crocker told reporters that "Al-Qaida has never been closer to defeat than they are now." Bush is scrambling to find his "Mission Accomplished" sign that was somehow misplaced after FEMA borrowed it.
QUOTH THE NITWIT...
"I'm occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term."
George W. Bush 3/16/2005 Washington, DC
London, ENGLAND -- In a letter written by Albert Einstein to philosopher Eric Gutkind 1n 1954, he concludes that "... the word God is for me nothing more than the expression of and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honorable but still primitive legends which are nonetheless pretty childish." E = MC 2? No way. E = EXCOMMUNICATED.
Palm Beach, FL -- Two etchings by Pablo Picasso, "The Frugal Meal" and "Jaqueline Lisout," estimated to be worth $450,000 were stolen from the Gallery Biba. The discriminating thieves passed up the less popular "Nude With Three Eyes Playing the Bagpipes."
St. Petersburg, RUSSIA -- Communist Party officials are calling for a worldwide boycott of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" because it "undermines the Communist ideology and distorts history."
They particularly disapprove of the scene where Indiana tries to defuse the Cuban Missile Crisis by seducing Mrs. Khrushev.
Vancouver, BC -- Four right feet severed above the ankle and wearing sock and an athletic shoe have washed ashore on Kirkland Island, Gabriola Island, Jedidiah Island and the Strait of Georgia. Boy, when Nike cancels an endorsement contract, Nike CANCELS an endorsement contract.
Grand Junction, CO -- An atheist group appealed to the City Council to stop opening their meetings with an invocation that mentions God. In a gesture of compromise, the City Attorney has substituted an invocation that mentions Regis Philbin.
Tucson, AZ -- Border Patrol agent Juan Louis Sanchez, 31, is charged with smuggling 3000 pounds of marijuana from Mexico while on duty. And he'd have gotten away with it if he hadn't hidden the pot in a pinata shaped like Whitney Houston.
Concord, NH -- A new law makes urinating in public punishable by a $1000 fine and/or six months in jail or both. Wow. From now on, if you decide to write your name in the snow, you'd better use a Super Soaker.
North Randall, OH -- Once touted as the nation's largest, Randall Park Mall, built in 1976, will soon close. But it won't be torn down. It's been sold to AARP who plan to convert it into a senior citizen exercise track.
Hollywood, CA -- More than 500 TV and movie writers have joined with AARP to embed subtle messages in their scripts that will promote good health practices in light of the ever-growing population of Americans who lack health insurance. They'll offer tips on topics like how to find a good substance abuse rehab center, avoiding street drugs whose origins and purity are unknown, secrets of hosting a successful Botox party and recommendations on the safest tattoo parlors.
 PUBLICATION NOTICE Bob's book, "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope," is scheduled for publication in the fall. If you would like to be notified by e-mail when the book becomes available, send an e-mail with your address to: Jokesmith@peoplepc.com
New York, NY -- State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has filed a court action charging Dell Computers with defrauding thousands of customers by using "bait and switch" sales tactics. "Hey, dude, you're getting a subpoena!"
Brattleboro, VT -- An environmental court judge ruled that water released from the Vermont Yankee Nuclear Plant into the Connecticut River may be harmful to migrating Atlantic salmon and American shad. Not to mention Americans.
Salt Lake City, UR -- An historian hired by the Mormon Church concluded that the is not evidence the Brigham Young ordered the Mountain Meadows Massacre that slaughtered 120 immigrants from Arkansas. Well, that pretty well puts that scurrilous accusation to bed.
Ebensburg, PA -- The Amish community is under investigation of their method of handling outhouse waste by collecting it in plastic buckets and spreading it over nearby cornfields. I know what you're thinking. Are they supposed to be using anything made of plastic?
Portland, OR -- The Portland Police Department recently relocated their evidence collection center to new quarters and in the process transferred 5000 handguns, 4560 knives and 150 cartons of miscellaneous items being held as evidence in criminal cases. You know, it might be more sensible to return the stuff to their rightful owners and just start over again.
New York, NY -- A Delta Airlines plane made an emergency landing at JFK International Airport after the pilot reported problems with the plane's hydauralic system. But it just turned out to be a new alarm that warns the pilot when a passenger is being forced to spend the flight in the lavatory.
Parchman, MISS -- Chris Epps, State Commissioner of Corrections says the recent resumption of executions "has provided closure for the victims' families and reduced the expense of housing condemned prisoners." And don't forget, Chris, it also helps reduce global warming by eliminating two carbon footprints.
Boston, Mass -- A pair of sisters from Nigeria have become the first siblings in state history to be chosen valedictorians at separate schools, Chioma Nwoaha at English High School and Faith Nwoaha at Jeremiah High. Even more remarkable, they finished first and second in the Boston Marathon.
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Wichita, KS -- An 81 year old woman told police she was attacked by a purse snatcher while she was visiting a friend at a local cemetery. Police believed her story until she described they guy as being dressed in a hooded robe and carrying a scythe.
Muscatine, IOWA -- Librarians at the Musser Library, Betty Collins and Tina Miksch, have challenged local teens to read more by promising to eat bugs if they can complete 15,000 books by summer's end. Every year they come up with a new incentive. Last year they vowed not to shave.
Millstadt, ILL -- Martin Roth, 48, has been convicted of driving while under the influence of alcohol ten times, four times in Missouri and six times in Illinois. A federal judge has ruled that it's not unconstitutional for state police to set up a road block in Marty's driveway.
Hilo, HI -- The city council rejected a plan to search for marijuana plants by using a low-flying helicopter, concluding that it would be too intrusive on homeowners. Also, it would be cheaper to just hire Cheech and Chong.
Columbus, OH -- A trailer containing a piano and 100 folding chairs was stolen from a church parking lot. Police are now on the lookout for an unemployed wedding singer who offers to provide his own seating.
Maimi, FL -- Royal Caribbean has announced it will launch the world's largest cruise ship, the 5400 passenger "Oasis of the Seas" in 2009. Passengers will be able to visit Alaska without going ashore. The ship's stern will be docked in Vancouver and the bow in Anchorage.
New Haven, CT -- The United Illuminating Company has been illegally trapping and killing parakeets who nest on their power lines and cause outages. The practice came to light only after one of the birds managed to escape and told his story to police.
Little Rock, ARK -- Governor Beebe has ordered all state colleges and universities to reject enrollment applications filed by illegal immigrants. The gov figures that if they get too smart, they'll turn down the dishwasher and busboy jobs at his country club, "Good Ol' Boys Golf, Tennis and 'Coon Hunting."
Sacramento, CA -- A bill that will impose stricter controls on plastic surgery is expected to sail through the legislature. After several high priced Beverly Hills dermatologists were caught extracting Botox from cattle previously rejected by McDonald's.