He'll be back soon and Bush is still an idiot so check the blog often!
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
Paris, FR -- Sharon Stone was quoted as saying that the earthquake in China may have been due to "bad karma" caused by China's treatment of Tibet. China plans to retaliate by igniting the Olympic torch during the opening ceremonies with the panties Sharon forgot to wear in "Basic Instinct."
Clovis, NM -- Rhonda Seidenwurm, superintendent of the Clovis School District, apologized to parents and townsfolk after a photo of two lesbian couples was printed in this year's high school year book. Rhonda also promised to keep a closer eye on the shenanigans going on over there at Ellen DeGeneres High.
Black Jack, MO -- An unmarried couple was denied a permit to buy a house in town because the two children who live with them are not related to the man. They could have avoided the whole situation if they had just applied for the permit under the names "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" like the townsfolk do on weekends over at the rooms-by-the-hour "Snuggle Awhile" Motel.
Guam, UST -- The Guam Power Authority has threatened not to replace the island's 540 street lamps until the US pays the $13 million overdue utility bill. Or at least agrees to turn them off during the day.
Cheyenne, WY -- The state is installing $4 million worth of 8-foot tall fencing along both sides of Highway 30 to help prevent collisions between migrating deer and motorists. Hunters complained that they enjoy the thrill of stalking them, but resent it when the deer drape themselves across the front fender on their own.
Indianapolis, IND -- Troops in the 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit will conduct simulated combat exercises in the area's parks and shopping malls. You know, in case the Iraqis decide to rebuild any of those marketplaces that Bush ordered blown to smithereens.
QUOTH THE NITWIT...
"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And, having said that, all options are on the table."
George W. Bush 2/22/2005 Israeli Television Interview
Fayetteville, NC -- The Wamble House, built in 1910 and used to house black travellers that included Count Basie, Louis Armstrong and Sammy Davis, Jr., has been condemned as unsafe and may be demolished. But the city will incur no expense since the local chapter of the KKK offered to blow it up for free during their training exercises.
Winton, MINN -- A polka jam organized and hosted by Michael Jankovic failed to draw much of a crowd, despite his offer to admit those under 40 for free. Mike should ask his brother Weird Al how he managed to drum up interest in the accordion.
Boise, ID -- J. R. Simplot, the inventor of the frozen french fries served at McDonalds has died at age 93. Following a simple memorial service for family and friends, he was buried in a special sub-zero vault beside Clarence Birdseye and Ted William's head.
Montgomery, ALA -- Only twenty five members of the Sons of Confederate Veterans turned out to celebrate the 200th birthday of Jefferson Davis held on the front lawn of the state. Even more embarrassing, six of them told reporters they thought they were honoring George Jefferson from the sitcom.
San Juan, Puerto Rico -- Incensed by the article he read in Vanity Fair, Bill Clinton called Todd Purdom, Dee Dee Myers' husband and author of the piece which pilloried both Clintons, a "slimebag." In Bill's defense, he did call Dee Dee to apologize and suggested they get together for drinks after, as he put it, "... the wife flicks it in and frees me up, if you get my meaning."
New York, NY -- FedEx Kinkos is changing its name to FedEx Office. Not to be outdone, UPS is changing theirs to UPS Home.
Spokane, WA -- A detective using the Sheriff's Department shooting range shot himself in the thigh with his newly issued Glock .45 semi-automatic service pistol. Same guy who just last month accidentally tasered himself and confessed to accepting free donuts at Winchell's for the past 25 years.
Salt Lake City, UT -- A chapter of the all-volunteer Guardian Angels has been brought in to help curb the violence at the crime-ridden Pioneer Park. They're trained in CPR, first aid, martial arts, law, conflict resolution and Mormon missionary avoidance techniques.
Hoxie, ARK -- David Mason, 43, a Walnut Ridge police officer, has been charged with possession of child pornography. Tip off was when the desk sergeant noticed his police radio was constantly playing R. Kelly albums.
Washington, DC -- Cheney told reporters that he agrees with Bob Dole's description of Scott McClellan as a "miserable creature." In fact, he pointed out, he's four square with Bob on all issues, except maybe his unconditional endorsement of Viagra as a recreational drug.
Tioga, ND -- City fathers have been awarded a federal trademark on the phrase "The Oil Capital of North Dakota." It was formerly held by Jerry Lewis but he let it lapse.
Concord, NH -- New Hampshire Superior Courts are suffering from an acute shortage of judges. So severe, in fact, Judges Judy, Wapner and Ito are moonlighting there on weekends.
Cambridge, MASS -- Bicycle ridership has gone up 70% over the past five years. Even more impressive, bicycle chains have replaced tire irons, baseball bats and blackjacks as the gangbangers' weapon of choice.
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Baltimore, MD -- Officials are crediting Maryland's strict gun control laws for the fact that 44% of guns used in crimes last year came from other states. Even more impressive, 63% of the bullets dug out of gunshot victims were traced to other states -- and fired across state lines very accurately.
Sommerset, KY -- The Mill Springs Battlefield Association is accused of accepting two payments of $213,000 from the federal government to build a Civil War Museum when they were entitled to only one. The Association put the second check on display as a perfect example of the fiscal carelessness that cost the Yankees the War.
Jonesborough, GA -- John Thompson, Clayton County School Superintendent, ordered 3000 diplomas reprinted after he discovered the old ones bore the signature of the former superintendent. He should have left well enough alone. How much different can one "X" be from another "X"?
Cleveland, OH -- Over objections from the Cleveland diocese, Hopkins Airport plans to relocate the Catholic chapel that has been operating in the departure area. Maybe because the site has become a tad too commercial. During mass, instead of hosts, the priest distributes Cinnibuns available from a nearby kiosk for $2.99.
Honolulu, HI -- To celebrate the opening of a new restaurant in American Samoa, L&L Drive Inns has supersized its high carb plate lunch of rice, macaroni and beef to three pounds. Served in a giant conch shell and covered by a full-size beach umbrella.
 Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Scheduled next week is a review of the new Chris Farley biography. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
Sacramento, CA -- A Democratic sponsored bill in the legislature would call for all businesses over ten employees to give them ten paid sick days per year. Four for March Madness, three for the Super Bowl and two for the World Series.
Huntsville, AL -- Teledine Brown Engineering has landed a $92 million contract to aid Fluor Enterprises with uranium enrichment that will employ 200 locals. The bad news is, their first order came from Iran.
Yellowstone National Park, WYO -- The Ol' Faithful Geyser is taking about a minute longer to recycle due to the two year drought. Which is even worse than we thought. It now spews Sparkletts purchased by park rangers at a local Safeway.
Tazerville, VA -- To reduce fuel and maintenance costs,the police department has traded in their SUV's for battery-powered golf carts. Which,so far, has paid off handsomely. Golf course crime is down 13%.
Honolulu, HI -- The state of Hawaii will ship 100,000 tons of shrink wrapped refuse across the Pacific by barge to Washington and Oregon where it will become land fill. Which makes it the largest mass transfer of garbage in history, if you don't count Fox News.
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