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Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
_____________________________________________________________Kent County, DEL -- Gates has apologized for the Pentagon allowing two hundred dead soldiers killed in Iraq to be cremated at a pet cemetery, although he assured reporters that there's "no evidence so far" that they shared the same ovens with pets. The New York Times reporter who broke the case first became suspicious when he noticed a headstone at a VA cemetery inscribed "'Fluffy,' Sgt. US Marines."
New York, NY -- Emmy-award winning newsgal Barbara Walters appeared on The David Letterman Show to promote her new book of memoirs entitled "Audition." Dave got her to admit something she had only hinted at in the book: that she once was doing Walter Cronkite and Hugh Downs simulataneously. When asked to explain her problems with Rosie O'Donnell on The View, she said "Rosie wanted to drive the bus and we wanted her to be a passenger." That's much too kind. Actually, Rosie wanted to BE the bus.
Crawford, TX -- Before a small, selected group of family members and friends, Jenna Bush married Henry Hager, choosing the Texas ranch over the White House to avoid reminders of Bush's low approval ratings, the daily death toll in the Iraq war and the sputtering economy. Ushers had to seek advice from the Secret Service when everyone wanted to sit on the groom's side. For "something borrowed," Jenna wore a garter once worn by J. Edgar Hoover. The previous night, Cheney hosted a stag party for Henry at the local Hooters, a high point of which was when a nude Hooters girl jumped out of a cake and the guests waterboarded her.
Kearney, NE -- The Army will resume teaching ROTC on the campus of the University of Nebraska for the first time since that were voted off campus in 1996. Their return is due largely to efforts of the school's Young Republicans, fired up by McCain's inspiring presidential campaign and the reduction of American deaths in Iraq to one a day.
Anchorage, AK -- A bald eagle who lost a wing during the 1989 Exxon Vandez oil spill and wasn't expected to survive lived for twenty years at the Bird Treatment and Learning Center. Which makes "One Wing" the longest surviving handicapped historic symbol -- if you don't count Bush.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...
"I think war is a dangerous place."
George W. Bush 5/7/2003 Washington, DC
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Hollywood, CA -- TV's "King of Queens," Kevin James, stars in the big screen feature, "Paul Blart, Mall Cop," due to be released in the fall. In a scene filmed last week, he disarms a terrorist who's attempting to blow up the Food Court with an IEC... "improvised explosive Cinabun."
Dover, DE -- The legislature has voted to rename the state's largest prison after long time state senator James Vaughn. Local reporters were tired of having to refer to it as "The Joint," "The Big House" or "Stir."
St. Paul, MINN -- Among the four hundred and fifty three graduates of McCalaster College this year are Nokuthula Sikhethiwe Kitikiti... Udochuwu Chinyere Obodo... and Baitnairamdal Otgonshar. All were exchange students from Hasbrostan where ancient religious tradition dictates that newborns be named by random tosses of Scrabble tiles.
Phoenix, AZ -- McCain announced that if elected he'll do all he can to stamp out the growing threat of human trafficking in America. He's never forgotten how impressed he was as a young boy watching Lincoln use the slavery issue to such advantage.
Atlanta, GA -- According to a pharmacutical industry survey, most independently owned drug stores have ceased selling tobacco products while the large chains like Rite-Aid, Walgreens and CVS continue to dispense lingering death along with life saving drugs. But you have to give Walgreens credit for displaying them beside their medical oxygen cannisters.
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