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FRIDAY, May 23, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
(Dedicated to the memory of Eileen Mills who would be 100 this week)
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[] PROGRAM ALERT! On Tuesday, May 27, Bob will be co-hosting KPFK's "Access Unlimited." The show, which addresses issues relating to the disabled community, will welcome guest Walden Hughes, longtime radio commentator on www.yesterdayusa.com with Frank Bresee and producer of the annual SPERDVAC Old Time Radio Convention. The show airs live on KPFK - 90.7fm Los Angeles and 93.7fm Santa Barbara at 3-4 pm PDT and also streams live worldwide at www.kpfk.org. It's archived and can be downloaded for 90 days from broadcast. KPFK, along with its sister station KPFA, Berkeley, CA, is commercial-free "Radio For The People," addressing political and social issues.
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Washington, DC -- The Veterans Administration Chief of Mental Health, Ira Katz, sent a confidential e-mail to members of his staff entitled "Shhh" warning them to downplay military suicides by admitting to only 800 per year instead of the real figure, 12,000. To illustrate their degree of concern, when you dial the VA suicide hot line, you get a recorded voice that says "We value your call. Please hold for the next unqualified Bush appointee. Your call may be monitored for war crimes trial defense purposes."

Green River, WY -- A group called the "Prairie Dog Posse" will host a scope rifle only "Prairie Dog Shoot" near Medicine Bow. This is the same bunch of beer, pickup and tattoo aficionados who organized last year's military themed squirrel hunt they called "Operation Rolling Thumper."

Beichuan, PRC -- The Chinese government has sent psychologists from nearby provinces into the areas hardest hit by the earthquake to counsel traumatized children, many of whom are now alone wandering the streets in a daze. They got the idea from FEMA's inspirational humanitarian efforts post-Katrina New Orleans. "Great job, Wong Ling!"

Hershey, PENN -- The new roller coaster at Hersheypark called "Fahrenheit" drops riders from a height of 127 feet downward at an unprecedented angle of 97 degrees. The monster ride was renamed after park officials decided that "Bush's Approval Ratings" wouldn't fit on the sign.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"My views are one that speaks to freedom."

George W. Bush 1/29/2004 Washington, DC

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Paducah, KY -- Lourdes, Marshall County, Murray-Calloway and Trigg County are among the hospitals who have bowed to public demands to ban tobacco use anywhere on their grounds. The city's sole holdout is Our Lady of Lucky Strike.

Colorado Springs, CO -- The conservative watchdog group Focus on the Family" has petitioned the Marriott Hotel Corporation to remove access to TV pornography from all of its rooms. Members unanimously agreed that porn should be limited to where it belongs -- on their computers at work.

Phoenix, AZ -- A bill which would have allowed students and faculty to carry concealed firearms on the University of Arizona campus was soundly defeated in the legislature. "We've only begun to fight," vowed a spokesman for the NRA-funded fraternity, Delta Gamma Uzi.

Myrtle Beach, FL -- The weekend shuttle that ferries Coastal Carolina University students into Myrtle Beach to party may be discontinued due to "rowdy, late-night rides back," according to officials. Of course, it's a toss up whether they want to go back to the old system of over-indulged co-eds slamming their high school graduation gift SUV's into palm trees.
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[] A NEW CHAPTER of Bob’s book “THE LAUGH MAKERS” has just been posted and it's one you won't want to miss! THE BEST LAID PLANS... recounts the sometimes wacky and always challenging problems that often threatened to blow our merry ship of comedy out of the water... Did Richard Burton really refuse to kiss Raquel Welch? Would our "Mutiny on the Bounty" sketch cause another mutiny? Were the NBC censors gunning for Bob Hope? Learn how these and other potential disasters were defused in the nick o' time. It's an interesting, exciting and hilarious read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Oklahoma City, OK -- A severe clergy shortage has forced the diocese to shutter three once thriving parishes -- St. Francis of Assisi, Our Lady of Perpetual Help and St. Cecilia. Barely holding on by the width of a collection plate is "Our Lady of Perpetual Bingo" and a wedding chapel built to honor the Chairman of the Board, St. Francis of Albert.

Spencer, N.C. -- Civil War preservationists are attempting to block the building of a race track on private property they claim was the site of the final Confederate defeat in 1865. To appease the crimson collared Confederistas, the owner has promised to set aside a special area of the clubhouse for the shoeless.

Witchita, KN -- For the first time in ten years, the Catholic diocese of Witchita has established a new parish to be called St. Catherine of Sienna. Members of the parish voted to name it St. Catherine of Zeta-Jones, but apparently the pope isn't a fan.

Postville, IOWA -- Federal Immigration and Naturalization agents swooped down on the Agriprocessors, Inc. plant and arrested nearly 400 green cardless employees. Earlier in the day, the dark suited, Ray-Banned lads had passed on a dozen or so dishwashers and busboys employed at a nearby Hooters. Hey, even the feds have to eat lunch.
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[]
AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, meetings and workshops. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from Hope specials in the '70's and 80's including "Bob Hope in China: 1979," military salutes from West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, sports tributes to the NFL and the National League, "Bob Hope Down Under: 1978," and "Bloopers & Outtakes." There's sure to be a theme tailor made for your event. Says Walden Hughes, producer of SPERDVAC's Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly memorable, call 818-980-8445.
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Baghdad, IRAQ -- A US general apologized to the Muslims after one of his soldiers used a copy of the Koran for target practice. Then, as a show of good faith, he went even further and ripped St. Matthew's Letters to the Carthaginians out of his dog-eared New Testament and fed them to a passing camel.

Lincoln, NEB -- Faced with a budget shortfall of $500,000, the University of Nebraska's Alumni Association may have to disband the storied "Scarlet & Cream Choir." In the meantime, costs will be reduced by replacing the Cream with Coffee Mate.

Syracuse, NY -- Two upstate zoos are seeking permission from state officials to allow visitors to pet the elephants. But with certain restrictions. You have to show up wearing a loincloth and a turban and answer to the name of "Sabu."

Tucson, AZ -- Bishop Gerald Kicanas of the diocese of Tucson claims he's praying that the three boys molested by Father Gary Underwood find healing." How much healing pretty much depends on sales of the Vatican's new video "The Pope At Yankee Stadium."

St. Cloud, MINN -- After complaints from neighbors flooded their switchboard, police raided the Rox nightclub where they were shocked to find people dangling from meat hooks implanted in their backs. In the dim indirect lighting, the officers almost failed to recognize Amy Winehouse, Cher and Ozzie Osbourne.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. Featured on May 29 will be a profile of Barbara Walters from New Yorker Magazine. The Los Angeles Radio Reading Service (LARRS) is all-volunteer and commercial free. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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Naples, ITALY -- With landfills at full capacity, garbage is piling up on the streets of Naples at the rate of five tons a minute. One solution being considered is to fill gondolas borrowed from Venice with the garbage and convince gullible American tourists that even the smell of rotting world famous Italian cuisine is worth a trip to Italy.

Athens, GREECE -- Fourteen Greek weightlifters and their coach have been charged with using performance enhancing drugs which will disqualify them from the Beijing Olympics. Olympics officials first became suspicious when they noticed one of them bench pressing Barry Bonds.

New York, NY -- First quarter profits for Home Depot Stores plunged 66% due to the decrease in housing starts. Things are so bad over at the Depot, several employees were spotted asking the illegal immigrants in the parking lot for a job.

New York, NY -- Lon Pearlman, creator of the popular boy bands 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys was sentenced to 25 years in prison for bilking investors out of $300 million. But old habits are hard to break. He's already forming some new groups... "N Solitary" and the "Back Exercise Yard Boys."

Atlanta, GA -- American Airlines stunned the traveling public when they announced that from now on a checked bag will cost $15... the second checked bag $25... the third $80... the fourth and fifth $100... and bags six through nine will cost $200. That's nothing. It will cost you $150 for every pound YOU'RE overweight.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY

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BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?

"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99

Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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