P*I*E
Cape Canaveral, FL -- After years of intense experimentation and watching Kevin Costner in "The Postman" about a thousand times, NASA scientists have finally developed a workable process to convert astronaut urine into drinking water. Not all of it will be converted, however. They'll save a few quarts in case the capsule crash lands in an ocean and the occupants are stung by a jellyfish.
Rome, Italy -- For the first time in recorded history, the Roman Catholic Church has been toppled from its perch as the world's largest religion, bowing to the Muslims' 19% to the Mother Church's 17%. Within hours of the announcement, the Dalai Lama forclosed on the Vatican's defaulted mortgage.
New York, NY -- Isabella Rossellini will host a new program on Sundance called "Green Porno" that studies the sexual habits of insects. Films will include the classic, "The Nun and the Praying Mantis" the still popular 1957 "Under the Rug Behind the Green Door" and the Mitchell Brothers' award-winning mosquito skin flick "SUCK!"
Bloomer, WI -- The School Board has ruled that a high school senior who rushed out of the classroom to join the Marines, will not be allowed to wear his new uniform at Bloomer High's Commencement. Just like college athletes aren't allowed to wear their new NFL uniforms to graduation.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...
"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
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Philadelphia, PA -- Kenneth Williams, 47,was apprehended after stealing $183 from a cabby and biting his ear off. Police credit the prompt arrest to the accurate description of the suspect given by the veteran cabby, Fayed Mohammed Van Gogh.
Seattle, WA -- Chief "Seattle" of the Duwmish Tribe is appealing a recent federal court decision that ruled the tribe is extinct. After reviewing evidence that they ran out of cities to name their chiefs after.
Lansing, MICH -- A bill has been proposed in the Legislature that would prohibit drivers from text messaging while behind the wheel. With one exception: if the phone is being used to teach the infant in your lap how to read.
Honolulu, HI -- The State Tourist Bureau has allocated $3 million for a program to lure tourists back to the Islands. Most of it will be spent for the rights to show reruns of "Hawaii Five-O" on airplanes.
Salt Lake City, UT -- Alcohol and Beverage Control agents have been conducting sting operations to catch bartenders serving more than one drink per customer. The law stems from a turn-of-the-century Mormon edict issued by Joseph Smith that prohibited more than one drink per wife.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Columbus, SC -- The state Department of Corrections is facing a $4.3 million budget deficit due to increased medical costs to treat the growing population of elderly inmates. But on the plus side, escapes are way down. The old guys keep forgetting where they dug the tunnel.
Rome, ITALY -- The chief astronomer to Pope Benedict XVI has assurred the faithful that it's okay to believe in the existence of extraterrestials. As long as they also believe that ET's parents are named Mary and Joseph.
Barnstable, MA -- Clyde Bridges, 45, was arrested after a failed attempt to hold up members of the Foursquare Portuguese Church while they were passing the collection plate. In an almost flawless plan, he unfortunately cut the eyeholes in his mask too small, tripped, and fell into the baptismal font where police later fished him out.
Seattle, WA -- McCain touts his expertese on environmental issues and promises that "people will trust my stewardship on the issue of global warming." Jack has a point. He still relies on climate change information he learned after extensive discussions with Noah.
Waterville, MA -- The Director of the Madison School District has proposed that high school science classes teach evolution as "an unprovable theory." Unlike, say, the completely explainable sudden recovery of Jesus from sever case of "three day death" that was going around the Holy Land.
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Plainfield, IND -- Thirty men donned high heels and walked around a local mall in the "Walk a Mile in her Shoes" to help raise funds to build a domestic abuse center. But the event was marred somewhat when three of them also donned mini skirts and embroidered halter tops.
Ft. Dodge, IOWA -- The state is offering $40,000 bonuses to psychiatrists willing to serve rural residents. Iowa ranks 47th in per capita mental health care. Most Iowans are suspicious of lying on a couch alone in a room with someone not a relative or a spouse.
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor-made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call 818-980-8445.
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