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FRIDAY, May 2, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call (818) 980-8445.
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Palm Springs, CA -- CSI’s Gary Dourdan, 41, found by police sleeping in his car at 5:30 am, has been charged with possession of heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and prescription hallucinogens. When he realized he was caught, out of habit he strung yellow tape around his car and outlined himself with chalk.

New York, NY -- Country thrush Mindy McCready told reporters that she “can’t refute” allegations that she began an affair with Roger Clemens when she was 15. In all fairness to Mindy though, 15 is 25 in Country & Western years.

Baghdad, IRAQ -- Coalition combat commanders report that US troops who needed a waiver for past criminal convictions to enlist are promoted faster than those without police records. Makes sense. When engaged in an illegal enterprise, it’s always best to go with experience.

Washington, DC -- Hordes of experienced agents have fled the FBI due to overwork, unreasonable promotion policies, poor management and lucrative private sector job offers, especially from gambling casinos. Even agents who decide to stick it out realize that no one will ever fill the lace panties of J. Edgar Hoover.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

“But Iraq has -- have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”

George W, Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, DC

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Lawton, OKLA -- Marine Sergeant William “Spanky” Gibson is the first above-the-knee amputee to return to combat duty in Iraq. He’ll join the newly formed 101st Heather Mills Artillery Brigade in Fallujah.

Washington, DC -- The Army ordered all barracks to be inspected after reports of mold, raw sewage, leaking pipes, exposed electrical wiring, cracked plaster, and vermin present in barracks at Ft. Bragg reached the Pentagon. US troops forced to live like Iraqis? Unacceptable!

Chicago, ILL -- Wal Mart has announced that they will cash IRS economic stimulus checks free for customers. So they can immediately apply the savings to more crap they don’t need made in China.

Manhattan, NY -- The 18 room mansion that was once the home of Alexander Hamilton will be completely renovated and opened to the public as a museum. In a related story, the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce is soliciting funds to renovate George Hamilton.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories
of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's
installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the
comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Washington, DC -- The Supreme Court ruled that states may constitutionally require voters to produce a photo ID. Under the same legal principal that allows them to demand a photo ID whenever Whitney Houston boards an airplane.

San Antonio, TX -- Of the 53 girls taken by authorities from that LDS compound, 31 have given birth or are pregnant. About the same as the cast of “The View.”

Keene, NH -- Keene State College students Cory Loonan, 18, and Alex Perry, 19, were arrested for reckless endangerment after attempting to go over the Ashuelot River Falls in a children’s wading pool. On a brighter note, the lads did manage to capture the school’s annual Evil Knieval Science Prize.

Bentonville, ARK -- Broderick Laswell claims in a federal lawsuit that as a county jail inmate, he dropped from 413 pounds to 308 pounds due to the inadequate diet he was given. He admits that he did okay on gruel, but decided to take legal action when he was downgraded to slop.

Las Vegas, NV -- So far, five construction workers have been killed on the site of the multi-billion dollar City Center Resort & Casino being built by MGM Grand, Inc. City officials are baffled since these were accidents, not mob hits.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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Dallas, TX -- The corpse of a 93-year old woman and her dog were left lying on a couch in her living room for over four months as boarders continued living in the house. They told police that long as she wasn’t asking for the rent, they weren’t about to rock the boat.

Pittsburgh, PA -- The city has approved a plan to place a hundred wine vending machines at strategic locations that will distribute up to 500 bottles. The machines will contain credit card instructions and an 800 number for free advice from a licensed sommelier.

Newark, NJ -- Customs agents seized $1 million od illegal drugs concealed in boxes of candy shipped from Peru. Only because an alert agent noticed the label on the bars: “Limbaugh’s Peanut Clusters.”

Seattle, WA -- Starbucks quarterly profit tumbled a whopping 28%. Industry analysts blame competition from McDonalds, rising shipping costs and customers who defected after discovering that the DoubleShot energy drink wouldn’t work in their gas tank.

Neosho, MO -- Randall Russell, 49, pastor of Act II Church, is facing trial for statutory rape, sodomy and child endangerment for having sex with a 16 year old girl in his flock. Oh, oh. Looks like it’s curtains for Act II.

WASHINGTON, DC -- Thursday marked the 57th annual National Day of Prayer whose theme this year is “Prayer! America’s Strength and Shield.” Or, as the Pentagon calls it, “Star Wars.”

Las Vegas, NV -- This gambling capital leads the nation in plummeting home prices, dipping a startling 28% in the past 12 months. Some developers are so desperate to unload new tract homes, they’re throwing in complimentary country club memberships, golf carts and a free hooker for a year.

Salem, OR -- Thanks to a typographical error in the voters pamphlet, callers seeking help get a message that says “Welcome to an exciting way to go one-on-one with hot girls!” A first for a voters pamphlet if you don’t count Eliot Spitzer’s during his run for New York governor.

London, GB -- Prince William landed his Royal Navy helicopter on the lawn of his girlfriend Kate Middleton’s parents, amidst cries of “Waste of taxpayers money!” Actually, Bill was on a valid military mission, training for an upcoming assault on Amy Winehouse.

New Orleans, LA -- McCain told voters here that he’ll be much quicker to respond to disasters than Bush and his henchmen were. He has an advantage. At his age, he knows all the medical first responders personally.

Ocala, FL -- A federal judge sentenced actor Wesley Snipes to three years in prison for income tax evasion, despite a letter from Woody Harrelson attesting to Wesley’s sterling character. Unfortunately, Woody wrote the letter on Zig Zag paper.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

“The United States and Russia are in the midst of transformationed relationship that will yield peace and progress.”

George W. Bush 11/13/2001 Washington, DC
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New York, NY -- Yankee manager Joe Girardi has forbidden his players from bringing candy into the locker room. And he’s threatening to come down hard on post-game dinner and dancing, too.

Bartlesville, OK -- Wheelchair bound Winnie Wiles, 95, fought off a burgler breaking into her house by stabbing him repeatedly with a screwdriver. It was the popular Phillips head “Intru-Do-Matic 600” from Black & Decker.

Millville, NJ -- Police set up a roadblock after a school bus driver alerted them that a first grader on board appeared to be carrying a gun. It turned out to be a toy and police released the boy after he produced a valid concealed weapons permit from Mattel.

New York -- Giants Super Bowl standout Eli Manning married his college sweetheart, Abby McGrew. Details weren’t formally announced, but she reportedly received a substantial signing bonus as well as several lucrative endorsement deals.

Beijing, PRC -- Over half of all male physicians in China admit to being smokers. By and large the same doctors who routinely prescribe Peking Duck to their high cholesterol patients instead of Lipator.

Hollywood, CA -- MTV has begun production of a reality program that will screen candidates who wish to become a Paris Hilton B.F.L.* Winners will receive cash, a contract with the William Morris Agency, and a crawl-on in Paris’s next porn video.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the
latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
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Philadelphia, PA -- Chelsea Clinton visited a lesbian bar while campaigning for her mother. Secret Service agents had to rush her out when she got into a scuffling match with Dick Cheney’s daughter.

Seattle, WA -- A six mile trail around Lake Union will be named after a Duwamish Indian chief who guided settlers arriving from the East. It’s the first time city fathers have honored Chief Careful Not Step in Cow Pies.

Manhattan, NY -- Hedge fund billionaire John Angelo paid $801,000 for a small basement storage room in the Dakota. Not a bad deal actually. Yoko Ono comes in twice a week to dust.

Belle Plaine, MINN -- Thinking he was aiming at a turkey, Anthony Klaseus accidentally shot his eight year old son. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that guns don’t kill people, fathers who can’t tell the difference between a small boy and a turkey kill people.
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* Best Friend For Life.
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"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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