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MONDAY, May 19, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks


Denver, CO -- Bob Schaffer, Republican candidate for the US Senate, withdrew a TV ad that mistakenly identified Alaska's Mt. McKinley as Colorado's Pike's Peak. And the family identified as "the Schaffers on vacation" turned out to be Ozzie, Harriet and the boys.

Washington, DC -- A new report from the Veterans Administration estimates that homelessness among veterans rose 600% over the past year. Irony of ironies, homelessness among Iraqi civilians has risen by about the same amount since the US invasion.

Washington, DC -- A study commissioned by the Rand Corporation found that more than 300,000 US troops who served in Iraq and Afghanistan suffer from traumatic brain injury. Not to be confused with similar symptoms produced by genetic brain damage as evidenced in, say, their commander-in-chief.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"Justice was being delivered to a man who defied that gift from the Almighty to the people of Iraq."

George W. Bush 12/15/2003 Washington, DC
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Wilmington, DEL -- Fr. James O'Neill, principal of the Salesianum School in the Catholic diocese of Wilmington, admitted that he and several other members of the faculty molested a single student on hundreds of occasions. As if the Vatican didn't have enough to answer for, now the pope has to apologize for "tag team" priest pedophilia.

St. Paul, MINN -- Vandals broke into the statehouse and defaced a portrait of former governor, Jesse Ventura. Leading suspects in the police investigation so far are Vince McMahon, the Masked Avenger and Garrison Keillor.

Grand Prairie, TX -- The Grand Prairie Airhogs baseball team will soon host "All Airhogs Go To Heaven Night" during which some lucky fan will win a $10,000 funeral including casket, headstone, service and plot. One small catch, though. The plot is under second base.

Concord, NH -- A study conducted by the Fish & Game Commission found that an average of 239 moose are killed on the state's highways every year. Which is almost three times the casualty rates of the Elks, the Lions and the Knights of Columbus combined.
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Columbia, SC -- In an effort to curb dog fighting, the state will establish a "Crime Stoppers Hot Line" for residents to report fights anonymously. Easy to remember, too: 1-800-MIKE-VICK.

Los Angeles, CA -- Gerald Curland, 63, former Commissioner of the Cahuenga District of the Boy Scouts of America, has been charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. Officials at national headquarters first became suspicious when they noticed he had approved a new "Fruit-of-the-Loom" merit badge.

Louisville, KY -- McCain received a standing ovation while addressing the members of the National Rifle Association gathered here for their annual convention. Jack regaled the weapon obsessed crowd with the story of his his meeting, as a youth, Chinese Emperor Ming, during whose reign gunpowder was invented.

New York, NY -- Christie Hefner, CEO of Playboy Enterprises, announced her company's $3.1 million loss during the first quarter of 2008. She added, however, that belt-tightening steps being taken to stem the hemorrhaging include replacement of the familiar Bunny with a less expensive non-union hamster... recycling the monthly centerfolds... and the demotion of Shannon Tweed to polyester.
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