FRIDAY, May 9, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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[] A NEW chapter of Bob’s book “THE LAUGH MAKERS” has just been posted and it's one you won't want to miss! THE BEST LAID PLANS... recounts the sometimes wacky and always challenging problems that often threatened to blow our merry ship of comedy out of the water... Did Richard Burton really refuse to kiss Raquel Welch? Would our "Mutiny on the Bounty" sketch cause another mutiny? Were the NBC censors gunning for Bob Hope? Learn how these and other potential disasters were defused in the nick o' time. It's an interesting, exciting and hilarious read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com

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San Diego, CA -- Narcotics officers conducted a sting on the campus of San Diego State University and charged 75 students with selling cocaine, heroin, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, methamphetamines, and illicit prescription drugs. The cops first became suspicious when they noticed a fraternity on campus called Delta Pi Cheech & Chong.


Washington, DC -- The Postal Service has introduced a new Frank Sinatra stamp that will soon go on sale in Hoboken, NJ, New York and Las Vegas. It’s like any other stamp except you stick it on with scooby-dooby-glue.


Riverdale, UT -- Police Chief Dave Hanson, 54, shot himself in the foot while demonstrating for subordinates how to clear a jammed service revolver. He may now be subject to the “Barney Fife Rule,” which requires that an officer’s bullets be kept under lock and key until needed.


New York, NY -- In her new book of memoirs “Audition,” Barbara Walters recounts her clandestine affair with Sen. Edward Brooke. But it really gets good in Chapter Eight wherein she confesses that she’s the love child of Andy Rooney and Dorothy Kilgallen.


Nashville, TN -- Country thrush Gretchen Wilson, 34, successfully completed state requirements for her high school equivalency certificate. It’s scheduled to be awarded in conjunction with the release of her new single, “My GED is a Ph.D in Memphis.”


Atlanta, GA -- Taco Bell has debuted their new “Big Bell Box Meal” guaranteed to “satisfy the heartiest appetites” that includes a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Beef Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito and Cinnamon Twists. But to Taco Bell’s credit, the thing comes with a free colonoscopy at the gastrointestinal clinic of your choice.


Denver, CO -- Replanted Texan Jeff Hawn violated an 1800 state law requiring cattle ranchers to erect fences by shooting 32 bison that wandered onto his spread and, as he puts it, “turned it into a feed lot.” Or what Texans call, “George Bush’s ranch.”

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QUOTH THE NITWIT:


“Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texas to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about -- when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”


George W. Bush 5/31/2000 On MSNBC


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New York, NY -- A new study shows that nearly half the state’s middle schools have no sports or fitness programs. Maybe no formal programs as such, but lots of teachers schedule field trips to Manhattan just so the kids can jump up and down in front of the window at the Today Show.


Columbus, OH -- Amish and Mennonite women living in rural southern Ohio have inordinately high rates of breast cancer due, researchers believe, to a lack of proper screening. The simple country gals must learn that just counting them isn’t enough.


Billings. MN -- Alicia Luke, 27 and Jenny Terrell, 31, inmates at Montana Women’s Prison, escaped while working in the prison bakery. Initial reports are sketchy, but it appears they disguised themselves as soufflés and rose themselves over the wall.


LaPlace, LA -- A Department of Labor arbitrator ruled that Sandra McCray and Herman Clayton don’t have to clock in for work at St. John the Baptist Parish because it would violate their “End Time” religious beliefs. They’ll be allowed to just show up and sing the Gregorian favorite “Jesus Trusts Me, So Should You” while sprinkling holy water on a homeless person.


Austin, TX -- The state has allocated $1 million to eradicate feral hogs that cause an estimated $50 million in crop damage yearly. That’s the most Texas has spent on pig removal since they got rid of Tom DeLay.


Salt Lake City, UT -- The Utah Legislature has approved a bill that will increase the liquor limit in mixed drinks from one to one and a half ounces. Subject to automatic recall if evidence surfaces that the increase results in adverse effects such as blindness, loss of motor control, dementia, or an uncontrollable desire to marry more than one woman.
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[] AHOY, LANDLUBBERS! After ten years crisscrossing the world's oceans, Bob Mills has jumped ship and is now available for corporate conventions, seminars, meetings and workshops -- anywhere business people need some laughs with a touch of nostalgia. Bob's eight, hour-long shows come complete with original clips from the 70's and 80's and include "Bob Hope's 1979 Special from China," military salutes to West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy, tributes to the National Football League and the National Baseball League's 75th anniversary, not to mention the ever-popular "Bloopers & Outtakes" show. With so many choices, there's bound to be a theme that's tailor-made for your event attendees. Says Walden Hughes, producer of the Old Time Radio Convention, "Bob's show is sensational and left our members clamoring for more! His backstage stories are hilarious, he's worked with more old time stars than Larry King and his video clips are priceless." Don't take our word for it. Contact Walden at 714-454-3281. Better yet, to make your next event truly unique and memorable, call (818) 980-8445.

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Plains, GA -- The service station once owned by First Brother Billy Carter will be renovated and turned into a museum. Exhibits will include Billy’s “Can’t Bust ‘Em” coveralls, cans of “Billy Beer,” and a replica of the bushes he urinated in while conducting tours for foreign dignitaries.


Newark, NJ -- A $4 million Stradivarius violin left in a cab at Liberty International Airport by Grammy Award winner Philippe Quint was returned by the music-loving cabby. Just a week before, an accordion was left in his cab by a guy who refused to take
it back.


Cincinnati, OH -- Tavissa, Domanie, and Maewellyn Granger are the first set of sisters to join the Ohio National Guard at the same time. In their case, instead of taking the Oath of Allegiance, they were allowed to sing “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B.”


Greenwich, CN -- The Superintendent of Schools has barred the Boy Scouts of America from recruiting on school grounds while classes are in session. Seems it was too disruptive for the other students who had to watch while they tried to help elderly teachers cross the classroom.


Garden City, NJ -- Thomas Edison, Frank Sinatra, Yogi Berra and Vince Lombardi are among the first inductees into the new “New Jersey Hall of Fame.” Pete Rose is appealing the decision of the acceptance committee to reject him on the grounds that he’s never been to New Jersey.


Pittsburgh, PA -- Construction has begun on the Pittsburgh Penguins’ new ice hockey arena due to open for the 2010 season. It will feature an atrium with a statue of a penguin in marble as well as a rotating restaurant called “Goalie’s” that will shaped like a large tooth.


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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org (866) 732-3585
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North Lauderdale, FL -- The City Commission has proposed dividing the state into two new states. With appropriate names like “North Assisted Living” and “South Critical Care.”


Des Moines, IA -- Drake University has become the third college in the nation to offer a course in wind law, joining the University of Texas and the University of Oregon. It’s a prerequisite course. In order to study environmental law, you first have to pass wind.


Norfolk, VA -- Tim Montgomery, 33, former world record holder in the 100 meters, has been charged with selling heroin. A charge of resisting arrest was dropped since the gun he threatened the cops with was only a starter’s pistol.


Washington, DC -- Citing the rising cost of copper, zink and nickel, Congress will examine the practicality of using steel to make US coins. Makes sense on several levels. Troops in Iraq who lack adequate body armor could stuff their pockets with nickels.


South Bend, IN -- Poll worker Sister Julie McGuire had to turn away fellow nuns from Saint Mary’s Convent because they lacked photo ID‘s. Best the gals could come up with were expired VIP passes to “Club Vatican.”
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Lake Travis, TX -- Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was charged with DUI boat and resisting arrest after cops had to resort to pepper spray to subdue him. Problem was, the boat was on a trailer being towed by Mrs. Benson at the time.


Phoenix, AZ -- McCain heard some boos while attending a Mets vs. Diamondbacks game. Afterwards he told reporters that it brought back fond memories of watching the lions and the Christians in the stands as a boy with his dad.


Las Vegas, NV -- The Venetian and the Palazzo are offering a 25% slot machine credit for hotel guests who cash their IRS economic stimulus checks at the desk. One armed bandits financed by a fellow one armed bandit.


Batavia, OH -- Charles Martin, 68, shot and killed Larry Mugrage, 15, when the boy failed to heed his “Keep Off the Grass” sign. The National Rifle Association immediately issued a statement pointing out that the right of a homeowner to protect his castle should reasonably apply to the surrounding landscaping.


New York, NY -- A one hundred and thirty million year old chunk of dinosaur dung recently sold at a Christie’s auction for $960. Which pound-for-pound is about what the television networks sell it for.


Park City, UT -- The makers of Lifestyles condoms have introduced the “Make Out Booth” which, placed in bars and nightclubs, will allow couples to videotape themselves copulating. Or, as Paris Hilton describes it, “spending a quiet evening at home.”
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