MONDAY, February 4, 2008

STAGETTES… Bush daughter Jenna, scheduled to tie the knot with b.f. Henry Hager in the spring, was honored last week with a wedding shower hosted by old school chums in the family quarters of the White House that featured gifts and entertainment. The girls would have preferred Chippendale dancers but, thanks to Secret Service restrictions, they had to make do with Dick Cheney jumping out of a cake clad only in his duck hunting waders and a dickie.

CHIMES… Amid tightened security that limited guests to immediate family, twice-divorced French President Nicolas Sarkozy wed supermodel Carla Bruni at the historic Elysee Palace in Paris less that four months after shedding his former first lady, Cecilia. No surprise here. Sarkozy is a French word that in Italian is pronounced “Giuliani.”

PLAY FAIR… Major General Jeffrey Hammond, top Army honcho in Baghdad, said of Friday’s market bombing that killed 99, “It appears the suicide bombers were not willing martyrs.” Not legitimately enlisted as the rules of combat dictate -- like, for instance, high school dropouts lured by signing bonuses to a recruiting office in a Nashville shopping mall.

“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”

George W. Bush 4/28/2005 Washington, DC

For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:

MATCHLESS… For the first time since military operations began, and in a long awaited response to the severe burns often suffered by troops caught in IED attacks, the Army will issue flame-retardant combat uniforms to all ground forces heading to Iraq. They’ll be made of the same fireproof material the State Department had to develop for their embassy flags.

DUBLIN OVER… The “Raindance,” a ferry carrying 23 people, was grounded by 30-foot waves, while 70-mph winds in the Irish Sea caused it to list 45 degrees. On the plus side, none of the Irishmen aboard noticed.

DOO BEE DOO BEE DOO… Marking the tenth anniversary of his death, New Jersey has declared May “Frank Sinatra Month.” Internationally, officials in Palermo have instructed all consigliore to postpone any hits scheduled between April 30 and June 1.

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BORDERS.COM… Beginning this week, Americans crossing the border into Canada will be required to produce proof of citizenship. Acceptable documents include a birth certificate, a passport, a drivers license or a note from Alex Trebek.

HOLD MY HAND… The new Four-Star “Hard Day’s Night Hotel” in Liverpool celebrates the home of the Beatles and offers Fab Four-themed rooms ranging from $340-a-night singles to the ultra swank $1300 penthouse suite. Which includes a Yellow Submarine jukebox, a white grand piano, a fully-stocked bar, and Yoko Ono.

PILLOW TALK… Bowing to complaints from parents, Woolworth’s in England recalled their “Lolita Beds” that were being marketed for 6-year olds. Reminiscent of Eddie Bauer’s 1984 recall of their Roman Polanski “Slumber Party” sleeping bags aimed at Girl Scouts.

SHIPPING & HANDLING… New York is the first American city to adopt “congestion pricing,” introduced in Europe to discourage gridlock in traffic-choked sections of downtown areas. While there will now be a charge to drive into parts of Manhattan, the hookers have agreed to deduct the $8 from their fee.

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