MONDAY, January 28, 2008

[] This special edition of Bereft on the Left is being posted to take advantage of a unique opportunity to help a volunteer organization that we mention often in the column, the LOS ANGELES RADIO READING SERVICE FOR THE BLIND. Co-sponsored by Parade Magazine and the Case Foundation, the “American Giving Challenge” will award $500,000 in grants to the non-profit applicants who receive the greatest number of online responses before 3pm ET, January 31. For more about the contest and how you can help, go to: www.parade.com/givingchallenge
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CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR… Jerome Kerviel, an undistinguished entry level trader with Societe Generale Bank in Paris, is estimated to have amassed losses of $7.2 billion in what is being called “the largest fraud in the history of modern banking.“ An impressive amount of waste for sure, but child’s play when compared to our undistinguished entry level president’s “largest fraud in the history of modern warfare.”

HENHOUSE FOX… Paul Wolfowitz, one of the chief architects of Bush’s dismally executed quagmire of an Iraq War, has been named head of the International Security Advisory Board. Pardon me, but isn’t that a tad like naming Cardinal Mahoney Head Master of Boystown?

THAT’S MY BOY! George I, the Bush who previously occupied the Oval Office, visited Newport News Naval Shipyard to witness the fitting out of the aircraft carrier that will bear his name. While there, he watched “GEORGE II” being painted on the bow of the captain’s dinghy.
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“I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.”

George W. Bush 2/25/2000 CBS News
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BLUFFING FOR PEACE… A former FBI interrogator tells “60 Minutes” that Saddam Hussein pretended to have WMD in order to keep Iran at bay. Kind of like the way Bush pretends to have a strong enough economy to keep China at bay.

TEAR DOWN THAT WALL! Hamas-led militants breached fortifications along the Gaza-Egyptian border for the second time, sending the Egyptian army scurrying for cover. But Israel is not taking this sitting down. Yesterday, they hired two American border security experts as advisors -- Pat Buchanan and Lou Dobbs .

NEW LEAF… Papal advisor Monsignor Guido Marini has assured nervous Catholics that the current pontiff has no intention of reversing the progressive reforms instituted by Pope John-Paul XXIII in the Second Vatican Council, but rather “… desires to return precious elements that have been lost or forgotten.” Like, you know, the Latin mass… Gregorian Chant… priests who don’t molest kids…

HAPPIER DAYS… The City of Milwaukee collected $85,000 in donations to pay for a bronze statue of Henry Winkler in his “Fonzie“ costume. In a related story, Ron Howard had his Oscars melted down into a coffee table.
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[] LARRS provides its blind and print impaired listeners with a daily broadcast of copyright-exempt selections from magazines and newspapers and special programs on topics ranging from finance, TV & old time radio to theater reviews and physical fitness. And the classics aren’t neglected, either -- the 24/7 service is affiliated with Minnesota’s Radio Reading Book Network. The Northridge, CA studio is run entirely by volunteers and your contribution will go a long way to help defray the costs of upkeep and equipment replacement.
www.larrs.org
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SHIVER ME TIMBERS… Britain’s Royal Thames Yacht Club has lodged a challenge with the Societe Nautique de Geneve after America’s Cup challenger Desafio Espanol was disqualified. Seems the squad from Madrid had an extra jib, excessive canvass in their mizzenmast and were wearing Sperry Topsiders from last season’s collection.

SWEET SUITES… For the seventh consecutive year, Chicago’s Ritz-Carlton has captured the top ranking on the prestigious Conde Nast Travelers Best Hotel List. Bringing up the rear is first-timer Pete’s Bed, Bath & Vacuum Repair in Boca Raton.

SMALL TOWN VALUES… Demographers at the University of New Hampshire’s Casey Research Institute have discovered that troops from sparsely populated rural areas are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan in numbers grossly disproportionate to those from urban centers. Thanks mainly to members of Congress whose virtually non-existent sacrifice of kin for the cause has skewed the numbers.

POSTER BOY… Bush told USA Today: “I am raising a lot of money for the Republican Party.” Not nearly as much as you’ve raised for the opposition, Skippy.
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[] There are just four days left to register online and help LARRS become a winner in the “American Giving Challenge.” It’s easy and will take just a few moments.
Go to: www.larrs.org and click on the contest icon. Your donation (in whatever amount) will be tabulated and will automatically qualify for the contest.
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HOSED… Firemen responding quickly to a blaze that broke out on the roof of the Monte Carlo Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas were able to douse the flames before anyone was injured. But not before they began melting Joan Rivers.

FILM FLAM… Oscar nominations are out with Best Picture nods going to “Atonement,” “Juno,” “Michael Clayton,” “No Country For Old Men,” and “There Will Be Blood.” Tom Cruise was reportedly put under sedation after being told Katie failed to land a supporting nod for “Mad Money.”

HE’S GRRRRRRREAT! Former net nemesis John McEnroe is appearing in television commercials for Kellogg’s All Bran Cereal. In the latest one, he sucker punches Tony the Tiger… kicks Cap’n Crunch in the niblets… and Karate chops Crackle and Pop before Snap drops him with a taser gun.

GUNGA COUMADIN… In a life-or-death struggle with wrinkles and sagging abs, Sylvester Stallone admits that he injected human growth hormones to prepare for his upcoming Rambo sequel and claims that they will be sold over-the-counter within ten years. You know, like Viagra, Huggies, Preparation-H Hand Wipes…
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EQUIPMENT LOCKER… Dallas quarterback Tony Romo has reportedly been dumped by his actress girlfriend Jessica Simpson. According to insiders, Jessica found a Dallas Cheerleader among the balls in that canvass bag he told her he had to take to work every day.

SEND ME NO KISSES… Hershey Chocolates has announced that they will cease production of their popular “Ice Breaker” packets after law enforcement officials complained that they resemble packets of cocaine. The cops discovered the problem when Whitney Houston paid $700 for a kilo of them.

TRACK 49... Bush will say in his State of the Union Address: “When all is said and done, I will have finished it with all my soul and all my might.” Yeah, the Little War Machine That Could.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE… A motorist in Spain who killed a cyclist while driving 100 mph in a 56 mph zone is suing the victim’s family for body damage to his Audi A-8 luxury sedan. In a related story, Britney Spears has sued that paparazzi photographer for damaging her front tire with his foot.

CLOSE CALL… A 500-foot long asteroid known as TU-24 will pass within 334,000 miles of the earth on Tuesday. A spokesman at NASA explained in laymen's terms that it’s similar to Rosey O’Donnell passing within shouting distance of Donald Trump.
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[] Those website addresses again are:
www.parade.com/givingchallenge
www.larrs.org
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