Monday, January 7, 2008

POOP DECK… Cunard Cruise Line officials are blaming Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, for an outbreak of norovirus that felled 90 passengers during the maiden voyage of the “Queen Victoria.” Her attempt to christen the vessel in December resulted in an unbroken champagne bottle, considered a hex in nautical circles. They should have been forewarned, however. Camilla’s family crest features two lions guarding a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

MOVE ‘EM OUT! -- The City of Newport Beach, CA is negotiating to buy a six-ton statue of John Wayne from the City of Beverly Hills. The anatomically correct figure of the Duke is accurate down to the flat feet that allowed him to duck the draft during WW II and corner roles that would have gone to more qualified actors preoccupied with wartime duties.

RHYMES WITH CONFESSION… The Labor Department reports that unemployment rose to a two-year high of 5%, oil prices hit $100 a barrel, sales of new homes are plummeting, exports are off, business spending declined, auto sales are at their lowest in a decade, the Dow is down 256 points and the Nasdaq down 98. And that’s the good news.

“That’s called ‘A Charge to Keep,’ based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president’s job is never to promote a religion.”

George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC

(For hundreds of idiotic quotes like this, check out www.sourcebooks.com)

AGE OF AQUARIUS… Archeologists digging in the slopes of Kuelap in the Peruvian Andes have uncovered the lost civilization of Chachapaya that thrived between 800 and 1540. They theorize that the hearty peoples died out after staging a Woodstock type love-in that resulted in a critical shortage of virgins to sacrifice in volcanoes.

CAT HOUSE BLUES… As part of a red light district clean-up campaign that began in December, officials in Amsterdam have closed the popular and infamous Yab Yum brothel. The buyer of the prime waterfront property will have only to change two letters for his new Yum Yum Donut franchise.

UNFRIENDLY SKIES… The Department of Homeland Security is spending $29 million to develop an infrared laser that would detect and repulse heat seeking missiles aimed at commercial airliners by terrorists. Unfortunately, their system would not detect service seeking missiles launched by passengers.

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SI FI… The National Academy of Sciences has released a new book entitled “Science, Evolution & Creationism” which debunks bible-spawned myths that result from belief in creationism -- like “Noah’s Ark,” “Jonah and the Whale” and “Mike Huckabee.”

ELIMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON… A team of anti-terrorism experts from Scotland Yard has arrived in Pakistan to investigate the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. And a cell in the Tower of London is being readied in the event of an arrest.

SAMSONITIS… Southwest Airlines will charge $25 for a third checked bag. But on a brighter note, passengers will be allowed to choose the city the bag will be misdirected to.

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FAULT! -- Former ladies’ tennis top seed Martina Hinges was banned from the game for two years after the International Tennis Federation refused to overturn cocaine tests she claimed had been improperly administered. A spokesperson for the netlass refused to comment on rumors that Hingis is dating Roger Clemens.

RAG TRADE… ABC Television has introduced its new dramedy “Cashmere Mafia,” female executives clawing their way up the fashion world’s corporate ladder. Responding quickly, Fox launched its series starring equally tenacious fashion fillies serving as missionaries, “Polyurethane Mormons.”

[] Need a visual laugh? Check out our Daily Cartoon. Scroll down to the icon just below “Today in History.”

SECOND OPINION… Dr. Phil visited Britney Spears in her Cedars-Sinai hospital room and declared that she’s in dire need of an intervention. Of course, she has yet to be examined by his equally-qualified colleagues, “Dr. Laura,” “Dr. Pepper,” and “Dr. Scholl.”

STARS IN STRIPES… Attendance at the San Francisco Zoo has doubled since an escaped Siberian triger fatally mauled a spectator who had been taunting her. See? Give the people what they want and they’ll turn out.

LESBIANOGRAPHY… Zoologists from the Nanyang Technological University in Singapore have observed male macaques in Indonesia pay for sex by grooming females. Those who exhibit an “I’m not that kind of macaque” attitude often approach other females for grooming and usually decide they prefer that alternative.

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GASTRODISCRIMINATION… “Victoria & Albert’s,“ the only five-star restaurant at Orlando’s Disneyworld, charges a minimum of $125 per person, requires jackets for men and dresses or pantsuits for women, and bars children under ten. And it’s enforced. Snow White must be properly attired and accompanied by at least three dwarfs in tuxedoes.

NOMENCLATURAZATION … The American Dialect Society meeting in Chicago has voted “subprime” its 2007 “Word of the Year.” Barely edging out “hasselbeck,” a verb meaning to speak out on topics with which one is singularly unfamiliar.

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