FRIDAY, January 25, 2008

LONG DAY’S DAY… Told that he would have to cut two minutes from his song, Ringo Starr walked off the set of “Live With Regis & Kelly.” Producers blamed a breakdown in communications. Ringo speaks fluent Liverpoolian while Regis and Kelly speak a dialect of daytime talk show gibberish.

WAX ATTACK… A wax figure of the late Evel Knieval was unveiled at Madame Tussaud’s in Las Vegas. The legendary bone bender is shown perched on a wax Harley, jumping over wax figures of Jackie Gleason, Orson Welles and Marlon Brando.

MIXED BLESSING… The American Heart Association has issued a report showing that heart attack deaths have gone down 25 % since 1999. That’s the good news. The bad news -- Dick Cheney.

“My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of national debt.”

George W. Bush 2/27/2001 Washington, DC

[] For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:

SPARE A DIME? Cities in Texas, Tennessee, Florida and North Carolina are stepping up efforts to criminalize panhandling. And the penalties can be especially harsh. For instance in Waco, Texas, military veterans caught begging are sent back to Iraq. Paraplegics are routinely forced to vacate their choice freeway overpass home sites.

SAY AMEN! A right wing Christian evangelical group claims that Heath Ledger “is now burning in hell for eternity” for playing a homosexual in “Broke Back Mountain” and is threatening to picket the Oscars to dramatize their moral disgust over film industry praise for the young actor. The pulpit pounders have also condemned Susanne Pleshette for playing Bob Newhart’s wife while everyone knew he was already married.

HUCKATAPPED… GOP presidential candidate and evangelical guru Mike Huckabee is out of money and won’t run TV ads in Florida. Perhaps a little less attention to intelligent design and a tad more attention to intelligent fund raising might be in order.

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98. ALBACORE… A study conducted by the New York Times found that many upscale sushi restaurants in Manhattan regularly serve raw tuna tainted with mercury. Investigators first became suspicious when they noticed several sushi chefs taking each others’ temperature with a California roll.

TANG ME… Stung by last year’s revelations that astronauts had flown while drunk, NASA conducted their own internal investigation which, not surprisingly, found no evidence of inter-galactic imbibing. But just to be on the safe side, space suits are being redesigned to remove pockets that could conceal cocktail glasses, swizzle sticks, crushed ice and garnish.

HERE SHE COMES… Famed designer Valentino has announced that he’s hanging up his tape measure and boxing his chalk after forty-five years at the fashion forefront. A truly remarkable career that represents 9.7 tons of fabric… 2650 spools of thread… 154,000 buttons… and about 38 pounds of runway models.

GOING MY WAY… Oceanographers at the National Academy of Sciences tagged a leatherback turtle off the coast of Indonesia and later discovered the amphibian had migrated 13,000 miles across the Pacific to the Oregon coast. But his record was later disallowed when they discovered he had hitched a ride on Princess Cruises’ Monarch of the Seas.


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