MONDAY, January 14, 2008

A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY… A court in London annulled a marriage between twins who were separated at birth and didn’t know they were related. According to all available records, only one such case has ever been documented in the United States -- Donny and Marie.

GREAT BALLS O’ WIRE… The Army has overturned the court martial conviction of the only commissioned officer found guilty of dereliction of duty in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. Thus concluding another glorious chapter in the history of the greatest military force on earth -- “Operation Whitewash.”

NRA HOLES… Spearheaded by GOP leaders, a group of 45 Congressmen sent a letter to Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorn, urging him to recind the ban on visitors carrying firearms in national parks. And high time, too. How else are boozed up ATVers and over-medicated snow-mobilers supposed to defend themselves against the out-of-control wildlife?

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SUIT UP… Disgraced Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones was sentenced to six months in prison for perjury. There’s some good news, though. She will be allowed to participate in the institution’s intramural track & field events, except, of course, the pole vault.

McJAVA… McDonalds has introduced a gourmet coffee blend to challenge Starbucks. Who immediately responded by debuting their own innovation -- the Quarter Pound Croissant.

PIT STOP… While visiting Israel, Bush laid a wreath at the Hall of Remembrance, honoring victims of the Holocaust. The one Hitler was responsible for, not the one he unleashed in the Middle East.

“I am the master of low expectations.”

George W. Bush 6/4/2003 Aboard Air Force One

FAIR WARNING… During his Mideast tour, Bush dropped in on Saudi Arabia and took the opportunity to blast nearby Iran as “a hotbed of terrorism.” Then he flew to Bahrain and spoke to sailors stationed there. Unfortunately, he got his audiences mixed up and threatened to order an invasion of the Green Zone.

ROOF SHARPSHOOTERS… Bush’s security force was reportedly doubled for this trip. And not without reason. Now they have to protect him from OUR side, too.

PAIN DRAIN… US Intelligence chief Michael McConnell told an interviewer that “waterboarding performed on me would definitely qualify as torture.” Not as painful as watching Bush try to pronounce “nuclear,” but painful nonetheless.

PEANUTS & CRACKERJACK… Major League Baseball has added a drug enforcement unit to the commissioner’s office. From now on, official player stats will include hits, runs, errors, RBI’s and average performance enhancement drug urinalysis scores.

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