Ah So!

[] National Security Council spokesman Fred Jones said "Whenever Bush meets with a Chinese leader, he raises the issues of human rights, and the freedoms of press, expression and religion." (USA Today 4/18)

For advice on how to undermine them and get away with it.

[] Barry Bonds has not homered in his first 36 at bats. (Los Angeles Times 4/17)

On a brighter note, he's batting .287 hitting his buttocks with the syringe.

Tipoffs that your favorite ball player may be using:

1] While singing National Anthem, holds cap over his stash.
2] Is able to hit holding the bat at either end.
3] His stats include hits, runs, errors and track marks.
4] Occasionally trashes the batting cage.
5] When teammates go to locker room, he goes to Kate Moss's room.

[] McDonald's announces the national rollout of its premium Asian Salad with soybeans, snow peas, red bell peppers, toasted almonds, mandarin oranges and 16 types of fresh greens for $4.29. (USA Today 4/18)

Twenty-nine cents more gets you the special McCroutons they call "Tienanmen Squares."

[] The Supreme Court denied Cardinal Mahoney's appeal, ordering him to turn over records of two child molesting priests to the prosecutor. (Los Angeles Times 4/18)

The litigious prelate was relying on the Vatican-approved doctrine of Separation of Mahoney and Accountability.

[] Entertainers dressed as bunnies, bears, Barbar the Elephant and other characters darted among large painted flowers for 16,000 invitees to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. (USA Today 4/18)

Following which Cheney gave the children a gun-safety demonstration.

Dick's Rules For Safe and Sane Hunting

1] Wear bright orange or yellow clothing made of colorfast, blood-resistant nylon.
2] Don't hunt anything with sharp teeth, claws or beaks... or are considerably larger than you.
3] Drink sensibly. Slip on that safety before popping open that can o' suds.
4] Limit hunting partners to rich guys over 70. If you kill them, they weren't going to live much longer anyway.
5] Always hunt in areas with ground soft enough to dig a shallow grave before the police arrive.

[] A survey by the Boston Phoenix found that Gilbert Gottfried tops the "100 Unsexiest Men in America" list. (USA Tobday 4/17)

Barely edging out Tom DeLay and Zacarias Moussaoui.

[] Hospitals are attempting to cut down noise by eliminating doctors' pages, adding carpeting and repairing squeaky gurney wheels. (USA Today 4/17)

Some have even installed "screaming rooms" for presentation of the bill.

[] New White house chief of staff Joshua Bolton told aides to expect some changes "that should refresh and reenergize the team." (USA Today 4/18)

May not mean anything, but he's been calling the Duke Athletic Department for advice.

[] A.T.&T. reports a 19% jump in yellow page ads for vocal coaches since "American Idol" debuted in 2002. (USA Today 4/18)

Why the contestants don't follow through and call them is a mystery.