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LONG LOST GOSPEL CASTS JUDAS "TRAITOR" LABEL IN DOUBT

JUDAS GOSPEL FOUND IN EGYPT IN 1978 AND NOW ON DISPLAY AT THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MUSEUM CLAIMS THAT JUDAS RECEIVED "SECRET KNOWLEDGE" FROM JESUS TO TURN HIM IN. (USA Today 4/7)

Most convincing evidence in the manuscript? Indications that Jesus had started referring to Judas as "Scooter."

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SENATE FAILS TO REACH A DEAL ON A SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL. (USA Today 4/7)

Maybe a little too sweeping. It promised to give Paul Rodriguez a sitcom.

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FOUR NEW JERSEY STUDENTS STAND CHARGED UNDER A POST 9-11 STATE "TERRORISM" LAW WITH PLANNING TO MASSACRE 25 STUDENTS AND TEACHERS AT WINSLOW TOWNSHIP HIGH. (USA Today 4/7)

By crashing their skateboards into the campanile.

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THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A SKIN PATCH TO TREAT ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER IN CHILDREN. (USA Today 4/7)

Field tests lasted five years----three just to get the patches stuck on the kids.

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NASCAR IS MARKETING LOGOED PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN INCLUDING JACKETS, SHOES, HANDBAGS AND BIKINIS. (USA Today 4/7)

And soon a specially designed NASCAR fragrance: "Essence of Pits."

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STEVEN SPEILBERG AND MARK BURNETT WILL TEAM UP TO PRODUCE "ON THE LOT" IN WHICH 16 WOULD-BE FILMMAKERS VIE FOR A DEVELOPMENT DEAL AT DREAMWORKS. (USA Today 4/7)

Last place finisher will get a development deal at Disney.

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LOS ANGELES GANG MEMBER SHOOTS FELLOW-GANG MEMBER BY MISTAKE. (Los Angeles Times 4/7)

He'll be prosecuted under California's new "Cheney Law."

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MASSACHUSETTS BECOMES THE FIRST STATE TO ADOPT A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM. (CBS News 4/5)

Well, universal. It covers everything but Teddy Kennedy's liver.

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DUKE'S LACROSSE COACH RESIGNS IN WAKE OF EXOTIC DANCERS' RAPE ALLEGATIONS WHILE UNIVERSITY'S PRESIDENT CANCELS REMAINDER OF THE SEASON. (Cable News Network 4/5)

May be a coincidence, but there are reports that Kobe Bryant has taken up lacrosse.

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KATIE COURIC FORMALLY ANNOUNCES THAT SHE'S LEAVING THE "TODAY SHOW" TO ANCHOR THE "CBS EVENING NEWS." (Cable News Network 4/5)

That rumble you hear is Edward R. Morrow shifting positions.

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A SIXTH CENTURY INDIAN PYRAMID HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN MEXICO CITY BUT ONLY HALF WILL BE EXCAVATED SINCE THE OTHER HALF HAS MODERN BUILDINGS ON IT. (USA Today 4/6)

Dominated by the "Pueblo of the Vestal Virgins Hilton."

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CHENEY IS SCHEDULED TO THROW OUT THE FIRST BALL AT THE WASHINGTON NATIONAL'S OPENER AGAINST THE METS. (USA Today 4/6)

Fans in the first fifteen rows will be issued complementary team logo-imprinted flack jackets.

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A SCIENTIST AT SOUTH AFRICA'S WITWATERSTRAND UNIVERSITY HAS FOUND SOLID EVIDENCE THAT BIRDS HUNTED AND KILLED EARLY HUMANS. (Smithsonian Magazine 4/06)

The evidence includes beak-torn skull fragments, imbedded talons and several Alfred Hitchcock films.

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AN ARTICLE IN JOURNAL PALEOLIMNOLOGY CLAIMS THAT JESUS MAY HAVE WALKED ON WATER IN THE SEA OF GALILEE FROZEN BY A SUDDEN DROP IN TEMPERATURE. (Los Angeles Times 4/6)

Biblical scholars vehemently challenge the findings, pointing out that ice was not intelligently designed until much later.

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THE JOURNAL NATURE REPORTS THAT DENTAL DRILLING DATES BACK TO 5500 B.C. PERFORMED WITH FLINT DRILL HEADS AND A SMALL BOW. (USA Today 4/6)

Fossils found in a Pakistan graveyard include repaired molars, flint chips and a stone sign with a crudely-carved inscription: "Painless Og."

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PRISON OFFICIALS IN TENNESSEE BANNED PEANUT BUTTER AFTER DISCOVERING THE JARS WERE BEING USED TO STORE DRUGS. (Time Magazine 4/10)

Alert guards got wise when they noticed a line of cocaine stuck to the roof of an inmate's nose.

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"REAL HEROES" IS A LINE OF ARMY-AUTHORIZED 6-INCH TOY SOLDIERS MODELED AFTER FOUR REAL G.I.'S WHO HAVE WON BRONZE OR SILVER STARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. (Time Magazine 4/10)

They come with optional prosthetic limbs in case the kids' war games get a little too realistic.

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RON KESSLER, AUTHOR OF "LAURA BUSH: AN INTIMATE PORTRAIT," CLAIMS THAT SHE WAS "APPALLED" AT HOW HILLARY CLINTON HAD DECORATED THE LIVING QUARTERS. (Fox News 4/4)

Luckily, quick-thinking aides didn't let her see what Monica had done to the Oval Office.

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BRIAN DOYLE, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR THE HOMELAND SECURITY DEPARTMENT, WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH USING A COMPUTER IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEDUCE A CHILD. (Cable News Network 4/4)

Bush called him up and said, "Good job, Doylie!"

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MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA,TENNESSEE, GEORGIA AND SOUTH CAROLINA ARE CRACKING DOWN ON "HOG-DOG RODEOS," IN WHICH PIT BULLS ARE UNLEASHED ON WILD HOGS. (USA Today 4/5)

And just when polo was beginning to catch on in Sleepy Holler.

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WISCONSIN VOTERS WENT TO THE POLLS TO DECIDE WHETHER THE U.S. SHOULD KEEP TROOPS IN IRAQ. (USA Today 4/4)

The Pentagon is so furious, they're threatening a cheese boycott.

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A STOCKHOLM UNIVERSITY STUDY SHOWS THAT SWEDEN COOPERATED WITH THE NAZIS BY BANNING MARRIAGE BETWEEN "ARYAN GERMANS" AND SWEDISH JEWS. (USA Today 4/5)

And they weren't too pleased with Ingrid Bergman, either.

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NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF DELTA PILOTS VOTED TO AUTHORIZE A STRIKE. (USA Today 4/5)

The other 5% favors one too, but they were stacked up over Chicago.

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BASEBALL PITCHER DWIGHT GOODEN FACES 5 YEARS IN PRISON FOR COCAINE USE WHILE ON PROBATION... AND WASHINGTON REDSKIN SEAN TAYLOR FACES UP TO 45 YEARS ON AGGRIVATED ASSAULT CHARGES. (USA Today 4/5)

They probably won't share the same cell, though. Prison officials have found that housing pro baseball and football players in the same unit promotes gang tension.

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HANK WILLIAMS,JR., WHO SANG THE "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL" THEME SONG, WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULTING A WAITRESS IN MEMPHIS. (USA Today 4/5)

"Ready to pose for some MUG SHOTS???"

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DISNEY WILL LAUNCH A CELL PHONE SERVICE DUBBED "DISNEY MOBILE" AIMED AT 10-15 YEAR OLDS. (USA Today 4/5)

Activation is free if their parents agree to watch Michael Eisner's talk show for a year.

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AT THE PREMIERE OF "BASIC INSTINCT 2," SHARON STONE TOLD REPORTERS, "IF GUYS WILL KEEP THINKING I'M HOT, I MAY TURN IT INTO A TV SERIES." (Time Magazine 4/10)

Honey, opening weekend, you weren't hot enough to melt "Ice Age."

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TOM DELAY ANNOUNCED THAT HE'LL STEP DOWN IN MAY, WON'T SEEK REELECTION. (USA Today 4/4)

Aside from his legal troubles, friends say other factors contributed to his decision:

1] Katherine Harris was threatening to endorce him.

2] Slammer-bound aides are forming a new Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

3] The election is too close to the skin-shedding season.

4] Persistant rumors that he was about to be expelled from his golf club, Houston's tony "Douche Bag Hills."

5] Reports that Cheney has been skeet shooting using clay replicas of his head.

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MAYOR BLOOMBERG ASSURES NEW YORK'S JEWISH LEADERS THAT SECURITY WILL BE TIGHTENED FOR PASSOVER. (USA Today 4/4)

Using their new, state-of-the-art matzo ball x-ray machine.

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TRENT LOTT SAYS "BILL FRIST WON'T GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE GREATS AND DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE AT THE PRESIDENCY." (USA Today 4/4)

Frist told reporters he won't comment until he can make a proper diagnosis from the video.

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JULIA ROBERTS' BROADWAY DEBUT IN "THREE DAYS OF RAIN" GROSSED AN IMPRESSIVE $988,298 ITS FIRST WEEK. (USA Today 4/4)

Impressive until one remembers that's about one tenth of what she got for five minutes in "Oceans Twelve."

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