FRI, SAT, SUN, December 30, 31, 1

Elizabeth Taylor's entire jewelry collection was auctioned at Christie's for $140 million.  So close and yet so far.  Just one more marriage to Richard Burton would have nudged her over the $150 million mark.

The National Transportation Safety Board is urging states to ban all drivers from using any electronic devices while behind the wheel.  Are they kidding?  Like long-haul truckers would go along with a ban like that.  "Ten-four, Rubber Duckie!"

The NFL signed a TV deal with Fox, CBS, NBC and ESPN that pays the league $28 billion.  That's a record.  The largest sum ever paid by Americans to a group of businessmen, not one of whom is Chinese.

Facebook has relocated to a new headquarters in Menlo Park, California.  Unique building, though -- no rooms, just walls.

THURSDAY, December 29, 2011

New York police issued an Amber Alert when a nine-year old Tennessee girl flying by herself failed to arrive at JFK.   Turns out Continental had rerouted her plane without notifying the girl's
grandparents.   In Continental's defense, they did keep her in a safe place during the unscheduled
flight -- it was in he overhead bin, but still. . .

White Castle claims they're the first fast food emporium to offer beer and wine.  Actually,
McDonald's tried it some years ago, but customers refused the test required before being
allowed to drive out of the parking lot -- blowing into a balloon that came with the Happy
Meal.

The Chilean newspaper La Tercera was ordered by a court to pay damages to readers who were
injured when a recipe they had read in the paper exploded.  This probably spells curtains for the
popular personal advice column "Ask the Unabomber."

In a first for the NFL, owners have approved the sale of the Jacksonville Jaguars to Pakistani
businessman Shahid Khan.  Team stats should improve dramatically.  If the players don't shape up immediately, Shahid has instructed the coach to stone them.

WEDNESDAY, December 28, 2011

If you thought the Tiger Woods divorce was a professional athlete's worst nightmare, prepare for the Kobe Bryant prenup-a-thon.  With the cars, the houses and the country club memberships already on Vanessa's score card, Kobe's attorneys have advised him to get too attached to his tattoos.

The once proud and indomitable Chicago Bears were eliminated from the playoffs at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, 35-21.  For some brighter numbers, former Bear wide receiver Sam Hurd may have his federal drug dealing penalties reduced from life to 75 years.

Anxious to preserve their dwindling core of loyal customers, America's major retail chains now have the most forgiving return policies in history.  For example in one store, a shoplifter gets his choice of a new item or one returned by another shoplifter and refurbished.

Los Angeles School District Police are investigating a rash of burglaries in which only tubas were taken from high school music department storage lockers.  The cops set up a giant sting operation focusing on German beer parlors and Bowl games.

TUESDAY, December 27, 2011

Evidence is emerging that North Korean President Kim Jung Il may have been assassinated by the Army or by his son, Kim Jong, Jr..  Even worse, CIA photo analysts say the body shown lying in state may actually have been that of Marty Allen.

Big year for film pooches.  In "Young Adult," Charlese Theron travels with her Pomeranian, the gendarme in "Hugo" patrols with a vicious Great Dane, and the leading man in "The Artist" is followed around by a Charles Russell terrier.  All are up for this year's Irving Thalberg "Kibbles 'N' Bits Award" at the Oscars.

A predator drone like the one flown over Iran was used to expose ranchers stealing cattle in North Dakota.  That's the good news.  The bad news is the drone was later shot down by agents of the National Cattle Rustlers Association and now officials fear they'll reverse engineer it.

New York Yankees diamond wizard Derek Jeter reportedly pays bimbos he's picked up for one-night-stands with a pre-autographed baseball.  Although, he claims it doesn't work very well on road trips.  The balls usually roll off the dresser and wake them up. 

MONDAY, December 26, 2011

Carnival Cruise Lines is taking reservations for its April "Tides of Torture" cruise of the Caribbean that will feature all of the hit slasher movies of the past two decades.  It will be the maiden voyage of their new 3,000-passenger luxury cruise liner the SS Freddie Krueger.

When Customs officials in Mexico City noticed a "tourist" who matched a photo on an international watch list, they refused to allow Moammar Kadaffi's son to enter the country.  Just as well.  If he thinks the Lybian people sought their revenge on dad, wait until he gets a taste of Montezuma's.

Researchers in Israel have developed a molecular "car" that can be inserted into the body to diagnose illness.  Some problems while testing it, though.  A  doctor driving it through a patient's colon was texting and accidentally veered off into the patient's spleen.

Whoopie Goldberg is denying rumors that she passed wind while in the midst of interviewing a guest on "The View."  In Whoopie's defense, the National Weather Service denied that their instruments detected any more wind coming from the studio than usual.

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 23, 24, 25, 2011

For the first time in Sunday Night Football history, a game at San Francisco's Candlestick Park was delayed when the lights went out.  Niners management learned a good lesson.  You can leave your heart in San Francisco and nothing happens, but forget to pay your electric bill and. . .

Items of Hollywood memorabilia was sold including props and set decorations from "The Wizard of Oz."  Dorothy's famous ruby slippers went unsold, though.  Actually, the auction was canceled when the auctioneer found a Munchkin curled up napping in the left one.

Fans are anxiously awaiting the start of the Beach Boys' "50th Anniversary Tour," scheduled for next summer.  Should bring back memories.  In the promotional video, several of the Boys are actually seen riding the waves -- using walkers balanced between two surfboards.

You can now purchase for only $250 a share of the Green Bay Packers that accrues no dividends and may not be sold or traded.  There's absolutely no profit in owning any.  It's like owning, say, a share in the company that makes "Jerry Sandusky Bath & Shower Fixtures."

THURSDAY, December 22, 2011

Long feared as a crazed madman with his finger on the nuclear button, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has died at age 69.  Despite his ruthless reputation, he did possess a unique sense of humor.  For instance, he pre-ordered his headstone to read:  "I told you I was Il."

Newt Gingrich says that if he becomes president, he'll have Supreme Court Justices arrested if they make decisions that threaten American values.  Is he kidding?  Only one man in history could do that -- J. Edgar Hoover.  Hasn't Newt seen the picture?

Exceeding all pre-publication expectations, Playboy Magazine's December issue featuring nude photos of Lindsay Lohan is breaking circulation records.  Lindsay is said to be so proud of her layout, so far she's shoplifted forty copies.

Rolls-Royce Motors in London is now selling a gold-plated model with a sticker price of $1.5 million.  The first American owner lives in Los Angeles and received it as a gift from her husband. Chances are that Mrs. Bryant will get to keep it in the divorce settlement.   

WEDNESDAY, December 21, 2011

According to leading audiologists, the 20% of the American public suffering from hearing loss all share similar causes:  too many rock concerts, a job near heavy machinery or being at that Padres game when Roseanne Barr sang the National Anthem.

A well-known lingerie manufacturer in Colombia staged what is believed to be the first fashion show in a passenger jet cruising at 13,000 feet.  Making it the first fashion show where the air was thinner than the models.

Warren Buffett shocked everyone in publishing by actually paying $200 million for the floundering Omaha World Herald.  Warren's eyes aren't what they used to be.  Turns out he misread the contract and thought he was buying Obama an endorsement from the World Heritage Foundation. 

In Salt Lake City, a flock of migrating birds suddenly veered off course and dove head first into a nearby parking lot of a Wal Mart. While at a loss to explain the strange behavior, several leading ornithologists theorize that they may have been looking for some engines on a jet flown by Sully
Sullenberger to fly into. 

TUESDAY, December 20, 2011

Vanessa Bryant, wife of super-Laker Kobe who stood by him during admissions of on-the-road adulterous dalliances, has filed for divorce.  She's charging the net star with irreconcilable differences -- of what constitutes a suitably-carited apology diamond.

Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd is charged with attempting to buy ten kilos of cocaine and 1000 pounds of marijuana to supply his drug distribution ring.  On a more positive note, he's taking a class in Political Science from his cell-mate, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.

A Chicago disrobing emporium is offering free lap dances to men who agree to donate an unwrapped Christmas toy to homeless children.  Actually, they can donate wrapped toys but the girls keep unwrapping them out of habit.  

The Animal Rescue Center of Milwaukee is generating national publicity for its annual fund drive by displaying a kitten that was born there with 26 toes.  Only six weeks old and already the kitty is a world record holder -- she can shred an entire leather couch in 6.8 seconds.

MONDAY, December 19, 2011

GM is offering to buy back Chevy Volts after several models of the revolutionary electric automobile suddenly burst into flames.  Ever alert to turn lemons into lemonade, the automaker also offers a free kit that converts the car into a very serviceable outdoor grill.
 

Eager to present the best of the British experience, Olympics officials have appointed Princes William and Harry as "goodwill ambassadors."  They'll recommend the best London restaurants, theaters, tours and, for the Russian women athletes, the most popular shaving parlors.
 

Australian Customs authorities placed Kim Kardashian on an immigration "watch list" after she was found conducting business without proper permits.  Seems she was promoting her line of designer clothing while trying to interest Crockodile Dundee in a three-month marriage.

Much secrecy surrounded the recent visit to Colombia by Charlie Sheen, reported to be scouting locations for his next picture.  According to inside sources, the film will depict the life of a successful cocaine kingpin and is tentatively titled "Two and a Half Nostrils."

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 16, 17, 18, 2011

Diamonds, rubies and emeralds in the estate of Elizabeth Taylor sold at auction for a record $115 million.  Oft-married Liz was an accomplished actress... a successful philanthropist... and a role model for Kobe Bryant's wife.

Time Magazine announced their Person of the Year for 2011 is "The Protester."  The Occupy Wallstreeters barely edged out Newt Gingrich, but Time's editors have shied away from power-crazed megalomaniacs since 1939 when they drew so much flack for naming Adolph Hitler. 

In the biggest sports-politics story since former quarterback Gerald Ford ran for the House, Craig James, an analyst at ESPN, announced he'll seek a U.S. Senate seat.  When asked his party affiliation, he told reporters he'll be running as a "Free Agent."

Both TLC and A&E have passed on a pitch for a reality show based on Todd Palin's career as a snowmobile race driver.   Still on the Family Channel's drawing board however, is a sitcom focused on the home life of the famous couple tentatively titled "Fluke & Flake."

THURSDAY, December 15, 2011

Alec Baldwin got into a Class A scuffle with an American Airlines hostess over his refusal to hang up his cell phone.  Fans and supporters alike were shocked.  They have one question.  He's Alec Baldwin, for Pete's sake.  Why doesn't he charter a Learjet and talk on his cell all he wants?

A female Wal Mart customer in Tulsa was caught mixing a batch of crystal meth in the store's Housewares Department.  The store's Santa wandered by, thought it was holiday eggnog, and had to be plucked off the roof by a police helicopter.

A man hunting ducks near Salt Lake City was shot by his golden retriever who stepped on his shotgun.  Officials at Winchester Arms, speaking through their attorney, continue to insist that their "Dick Cheney Model 300" has a pet-proof safety.

Dick Cheney says that the Pentagon should have destroyed that U.S. surveillance drone brought down in Iran.  He claims he would have handled the situation differently.  Maybe, but how easy would it be to convince Amadinajhad to go hunting with him?

WEDNESDAY, December 14, 2011

According to the watchdog organization the Committee to Protect Journalists, more newsmen are incarcerated worldwide than ever.   On the plus side, the inmate-produced newspaper in Colombia's maximum security prison "La Graybar Hacienda" is up for two Pulitzer prizes and a Peabody.
 
When the press reported that Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen with $10,000 in it, some people were shocked that any woman would walk around with that much in her purse.  But in Lindsay's defense, do you have any idea how much "Murray's Ankle Bracelet Deactivation of Encino" charges?

George Giuliani, Long Island University professor, has written a book condemning "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" as a story that glorifies bullying by the other reindeer.  He plans several sequels including "The NRA Says 'Die, Bambi, Die!'" and "The Mad Hatter Promotes Drug Addiction."  

Viing for the annual Grinch Who Stole Christmas Prize, a family in Miami snuck onto a neighbor's roof and stole a Santa lighting display complete with sleigh and reindeer.  The police had no trouble locating the thieves.  They forgot to unplug them.

TUESDAY, December 13, 2011

GOP presidential hopeful Governor Rick Perry continues to show signs that he may not be the brightest bulb on the string.  During a stump speech he referred to the "eight members of the Supreme Court."  Then, attempting to name them, he stumbled when he got to Justices Donner and Blitzen.

As violent demonstrations raged in sixty cities of the former Soviet Union, there are signs that Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, long criticized for his harsh treatment of dissidents, may be treating them more humanely.  He still water boards them but now he use Perrier and Avian.

Faced with a dwindling astronaut corps due to natural attrition and a rash of retirements, NASA has been interviewing potential replacements.  Several applicants survived the psychological and mental testing but were rejected when the physical revealed that they were Tang intolerant.

The Los Angeles Angels have signed diamond wizard Albert Pujols to a record-breaking $250 million contract.  Which makes Albert the highest paid Angel since God inked Gabriel to that 2500 year gig.

MONDAY, December 12, 2011

A family in Columbus, Ohio returned home to find their Christmas tree had been completely decorated and stockings hung my the chimney.  Police are confidant they'll catch the intruder.  Luckily, a neighbor was able to jot down the license number of his getaway sleigh.

In Tokyo, auto giant Toyota has unveiled a street-legal vehicle that's best described as a cross between a Laz-E-Boy adjustable recliner and a motorcycle.  Intended primarily for the elderly, it can be kick-started with a cane.

Charlie Sheen has been signed to star in a movie to be filmed in Colombia.  He's already traveled to Bogota to scout locations and while there he did some Christmas shopping.  He was spotted by local reporters buying wreaths, mistletoe and nose-candy canes.

Recent studies have confirmed what scientists had suspected for years -- that excessive use of laptop computers causes infertility in men.  Just in time for last-minute Christmas shoppers, master-marketer Toshiba debuted their new 17-inch screen, "Trojan 500."

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 9, 10, 11, 2011

One of the bidders to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers is Larry King.  The players are already demanding they be traded if the rumors circulating around the club are true -- that they'd be required to wear suspenders on the field.

Issue #1 of Action Comics recently sold at auction for in excess of $2 million.  Ironic, isn't it?  That's the issue in which the Metropolis police chief seeks Superman's help in catching a publisher of overpriced comic books.

Seventies model/actress Christie Brinkley has vowed to straighten out her current problems with the IRS.  Seems they take the position that declaring medical deductions of $8.3 million for fad diets was a tad excessive even for a model.

At the urging of medical authorities, Great Britain is considering a bill that would ban smoking in all automobiles and lorries.  The health threat doesn't come from the tobacco use as you might think.  Seems it gets so smokey in some cars, drivers inadvertently turn into a restaurant.  

THURSDAY, December 8, 2011

Target has banned Salvation Army bell-ringers in front of their stores.   It's not that they're against charities collecting funds for the disadvantaged -- what got them up-in-arms was the Army's refusal to purchase their kettles from Target's Home & Garden Department.

The U.S. Postal Service, faced with massive losses, will close hundreds of mail-sorting centers and cut back deliveries.  Under their new guidelines, you should mail your Christmas gifts now to insure arrival by December 25 -- 2010.

Oceanographers are appealing to the public to report instances of hearing pilot and killer whales "singing."  For those unfamiliar with undersea taxonomy, pilot whales are killer whales who need at least three Margaritas before they can take off on a hunt.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has voted to ban McDonald's Happy Meals because the small toys included in them pose a choking hazard.  Which will disappoint the kids who have discovered that the toys usually taste better than the meal.

WEDNESDAY, December 7, 2011

Al-Jazeera will soon debut a new sports network providing daily reports on Middle East athletics.  Included will be exclusive worldwide coverage of major events at the region's most popular arena -- Madison Square Garden of Allah.

For the first time, the FDA has lifted the once-sacrosanct ban on human consumption of horse meat.  Several national fast food chains have already taken advantage of the new law.  For instance, McDonald's popular Egg McMuffin is now served on a warm sea biscuit.

All of the popular "Sesame Street" Muppets are now being shown on Afghan television.  In the premier episode, Kermit the Frog enthralled Afghan youngsters with his signature song "It's Not Easy Being in the Green Zone."

At the Scottsdale Rod and Gun Club, Arizona children can have their picture taken sharing Santa's lap with a Winchester 30-30 deer rifle.  Each kid photographed becomes eligible for the big Christmas Eve drawing in which the winner gets to shoot Rudolph.

TUESDAY, December 6, 2011

Child welfare authorities in Newark, New Jersey took a child away from a couple who had named him "Adolph Hitler."   The parents wouldn't have reported him if the kid's first words hadn't been "Tomorrow, we invade Poland!"

The US Air Force Academy has installed a Stonehenge-like area where cadets who practice witchcraft may worship.  Which is so popular, they've changed their fight song to "Coming in On a Wing... a Prayer... and an Incantation."

San Diego Charger place kicker Nick Novak is facing disciplinary action because a TV camera caught him relieving himself on the sidelines during a game.  On a more positive note, his doctor watching at home diagnosed a urinary tract infection.

The Pentagon has unveiled a super-rocket capable of hitting any target on the planet within an hour.  Unfortunately, they cost $10 billion apiece to build and China won't give us the money.     

MONDAY, December 5, 2011

The LA Sheriff's Department is reexamining the tragic death  of Natalie Wood.  They ruled out
murder, though.  New evidence indicates she may have jumped overboard to get away from listening to Robert Wagner explaining reverse mortgages.

A new AMA survey shows that within a year 50% of all practicing physicians will rely on electronic devices exclusively.  Mine already is.  I called him last week because I had indigestion and he said, "Sounds like a virus in your firewall.  Could be an allergy to Blackberries.  Of course, I won't know until I see the Blu-Rays."

A Delta Airlines pilot recently got stuck in the restroom when the door latch malfunctioned.  The
crew was becoming concerned that the plane wouldn't be able to fly itself, but even worse, the
stewardess had to leave his margaritas on the floor outside the door.

An elderly man in Moline, Illinois accidentally donated his suit to Goodwill with $13,000 sewn into
the seams for safe-keeping.  Luckily, police quickly spotted the recipient of the second-hand suit. 
He was pushing a shopping cart with a new set of Michelin steel-belted radials with mag rims.

FRI, SAT, SUN, December 2, 3, 4, 2011

Completing his military training in Arizona, Britain's Prince Harry rented a Harley and biked across the dessert to Las Vegas.  Universal has already optioned the rights to the film they plan to call "Harry of Arabia." 

Lady Gaga has released her first Christmas album of holiday favorites.  Her penchant for wearing meat products is reflected in a few of the cuts like "Oh, Little Armor Star of Bethlehem"... "I'm Dreaming of a White Castle Christmas" and "Fillet Ride."

The Indian Ministry of Commerce has opened its doors to supermarkets already successful in other countries.  They have a big advantage in India.  When a computer in the check-out line breaks down, the tech support people are right there among the shoppers. 

You can now avoid banks by opening a debit card account with Wal-Mart.  They're even offering a premium for first-time customers who sign up for their MoneyCard -- a free pass to watch them unload the cargo containers from China.