FRI, SAT, SUN, September 30, October 1, 2, 2011

Ninety-two year old Andy Rooney will bid his fans adieu on Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes after 1,096"Visits From Andy Rooney" and three decades of complaining, kvetching, and harping about everything from gas prices tolong lines at the DMV. 

* Andy has been around for so long, when he was hired the stopwatch at the start of the show was  a sun dial.

* No one can say he's not exiting stage right with class.  He's donated his typewriter to the Smithsonian Museum and his eyebrows to Sy Sperling's Institute of Hair.

A man in California shot his neighbor after the neighbor refused to redirect spotlights that were shining into the shooter's master bedroom.  It wasn't the lights that pushed the guy over the edge -- it was those hand shadows of bunnies while he was trying to make love to his wife.  

The first long-awaited Dreamliner has rolled off the Boeing assembly line, destined to join the fleet of All Nippon Airlines.  The new aircraft features space-age technology and a completely re-configured cockpit with a tube that the pilot blows into and if he's not sober, the thing won't start. 

HURSDAY, September 29, 2011

Four Manhattan subway stations now offer commuters free wi-fi.  Could cost more than it's worth, though.  Anyone who would get on a New York subway with a $2500 Apple laptop without a couple of $100 an hour, Blackwater-trained bodyguards is asking for it.   

A Montgomery Alabama judge gives convicted defendants a choice of jail, a fine or a promise to attend church services every Sunday.  He views it as an accurate test of what's more popular -- conjugal visits, Alexander Hamilton or Jesus.

CBS News has exposed several Indian tribes operating usurious loan companies online that are exempt from state or federal laws that control interest rates.  Some loan contracts are so strict, they allow repayment only in rifles or firewater.  

A factory in Americus, Georgia is making chopsticks and selling them to the Chinese.  Taking coal o Newcastle, you say?  Well, the Chinese have all of our money that pays for some of the tastiest food in the world.  It's only fitting that we're allowed to help them eat it.

WEDNESDAY, September 28, 2011

The Tea Party plans to convene its own debt-reduction "super-committee" meeting prior to the GOP's.  It will be held at a Miami Beach Denny's at the suggestion of Michelle Bachman.  Denny's is so grateful, they named a new breakfast after her -- The "Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am." 

Once the Queen of the Skies, Pan American World Airways is now the background for a TV series called "Pan Am."  The trend toward using defunct American institutions as settings for TV shows may be catching on.  The History Channel is working on two of them to be titled "Lehman Brothers" and "Morgan Stanley."

Long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad's third attempt to swim from Florida to Cuba was dashed after forty hours, thanks to life-threatening jellyfish stings.  Not surprising since "nyad" is the Russian word for a Soviet cocktail made with brandy and white creme de menthe -- what we Americans call a "stinger."    

The Census Bureau reports that 77% of commuters drive to work alone.  Which is probably just as well.  If they doubled up they'd have even more cash to squander on office collections for silly baby shower gifts, parties for retirees who'd rather just leave, and football pools that only the jocks in Shipping & Receiving ever win.

TUESDAY, September 27, 2011

Einstein's theory that nothing is faster than the speed of light may be wrong.  Atomic scientists have discovered a neutrino that is faster.  To add insult to injury, Guinness has certified that there's something even faster than the neutrino -- Joy Behar's tongue.

Hackers invaded Scarlett Johansson's personal web site and have spread nude photos of her  across the Internet.  To add to her embarrassment, she took the photos herself with her cell phone.  This has to be the worst thing to happen to a Scarlett since "Gone With the Wind."

Some upscale restaurants are now doing what was once unthinkable -- allowing patrons to make reservations on the Internet.  One big drawback, though.  Customers who do that usually find that their waiter is from Delhi and knows nothing but computer menus.

To illustrate their similarity, P.E.T.A. is now integrating photos of animals being mistreated with scenes from well-known porno movies.  For instance, scenes from "Deep Throat" are combined with shots showing where chefs get goose liver pate.

MONDAY, September 26

German scientists in Berlin have developed an automobile that operates itself without the aid of a human driver.  Unfortunately, it quickly seems top adapt the bad habits of its owner.  Already, one was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence of WD-40.

A woman airline passenger is suing Homeland Security because her Afro was searched at the Atlanta Airport.   Their own fault.  She probably wouldn't have objected if they hadn't used a pitchfork.  

A couple on vacation in Colorado claimed they had no idea where $10 million worth of cocaine found in their rental car during a routine traffic stop came from.  The name alone should have raised some suspicion -- "Across the Ally From the Alamo Car Rental"?

After an amazing 40 years and 10,463 episodes, ABC's "All My Children" is leaving the air.  Fittingly, its replacement will be a cooking show called "The Chew," designed especially to teach the average "All My Children" fan how to get used to wearing dentures.

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 23, 24, 25, 2011

Faced with ever-increasing fan violence during games, the NFL will soon enforce a rule requiring that everyone entering the stadium undergo a pat-down search.  They'll be looking for drugs, contraband, weapons -- and in the case of Tony Romo, broken bones.

Police in Berlin are investigating a man who emerged from the forest carrying a backpack and no identification.  He proceeded to give the authorities a fantastic story.  He says he was hiking with some other guys along the Iran-Iraq border, when suddenly, out of nowhere --

Oceanographers warn that they are finding dangerous levels of floating bacteria caused by rising ocean temperatures.   If that doesn't keep you out of the water, let's put it this way:  that's like Great Whites being replaced by schools of piranhas.  

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a man accused of defrauding hundreds of unsuspecting members of the Amish community.  Seems he sold them overpriced buggies with, according to the police report "seats of genuine leather and isinglass windows you can roll right down in case there's a change in the weather."

THURSDAY, September 22, 2011

So far has Tiger Woods' star plummeted -- so low has he descended in the PGA rankings -- he may not qualify to play in his own tournament next month at the Sherwood Country Club.  That's almost as professionally unthinkable as -- let's see -- it would be like "The View" having to go to a commercial because nobody could think of anything to say.

According to the latest batch of WikiLeaks disclosures, Saudi King Abdullah, who claims to be 82, is actually 92.  Kings just seem to have difficulty keeping track of numbers.  Larry keeps insisting  he's had only four wives.

Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing" when he assaulted a New York chambermaid.  But you have to remember the French term for "moral failing" is "le comprimision ala moral" which, roughly translated means, "Undress. I'm on a coffee break."

Microsoft has released its long-anticipated Windows 8 operating system.  According to a press release sent out to distributors by Bill Gates, the system's tech support has been completely upgraded and now includes complementary curry recipes.

WEDNESDAY, September 21, 2011

At the Emmy Awards Sunday night, the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy went to Melissa McCarthy of the new sitcom "Mike and Molly."  Actually, she suspected she would get the nod when she sat down down before the show and noticed one of the statuettes on the awards table was 30 pounds overweight.

Accepting her award for Best Actress in "Mildred Pierce," Kate Winslet thanked her co-star Guy Pearce who also won for Best Actor.   She confessed that she hadn't been that excited on a movie set since her rumble seat scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic."

Despite the ongoing struggle to control its anti-social elements, scientists have discovered that body odor is genetic.  And archaeologists confirm that the problem has been with us since the dawn of man.  They recently unearthed several Neanderthal skeletons that still had pine cones strapped under their arms.

According to the Department of Justice annual report on crime in the US, the stats show a whopping 12% decrease in drug offenses, assaults and domestic violence.  The F.B.I. credits stricter enforcement of parole violations, the wobbly economy, and getting Charlie Sheen off the streets.

TUESDAY, September 20, 2011

The influence of large corporations may extend as far back as biblical times.  Archaeologists digging near the cradle of Christianity have discovered credible evidence that the Three Wise men were actually carrying gifts of stocks, bonds and negotiable securities from Goldman-Sachs, Franklin Templeton and Merck.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors has banned "sexual contact between crowded passengers using public transportation..."  Standing passengers must have one hand on the strap and may use the other to read a newspaper or operate a can of mace.

Ultra-luxury car maker Maserati has recalled 763 late model four-door Quattroporte sedans citing suspension problems.  According to complaints voiced by numerous owners, the car has a tendency to turn into parking lots of restaurants which have fewer than five stars.

LA grocery clerks have struck major southern California supermarkets.  Issues in dispute include management's refusal to pay higher wages, provide more inclusive medical coverage and to change the express line sign from "10 Items or Less" to the more grammatically correct "10 Items or Fewer."

MONDAY, September 19, 2011

Baltimore's Edgar Allen Poe Museum may close due to budget cuts.  A merger has been proposed between the Edgar Allen Poe House and the Winnie the Pooh Plaza financed by a new Hawaiian Restaurant to be called "Poe Pooh Paradise."

The unconventional LA Laker forward Ron Artest has had his name officially changed by the court to "Metta World Peace."  He told the judge he's following the example of his twin sisters "Loretta and Henrietta End World Hunger."

"Drive," with Ryan Gosling and Cary Mulligan, is doing well despite the critics who decry the gratuitous violence that includes graphic scenes of humans being tortured, innocent bystanders being cut down by automatic weapons fire and Albert Brooks trying to climb out of his Mini-Cooper.

Police in Miami Beach arrested a driver who, according to witnesses, exposed himself using his car's sunroof.  He told the arresting officers he was just following the instructions in the Owners' Manual under "Operating the Moon Roof."

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 16, 17, 18, 2011

The Chicago Board of Health has cited Wrigley Field food vendors for multiple health violations.  But the fans are taking it as good sports.  Now after the seventh inning, they sing "... Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack...  antibiotics for e.Coli attacks."

In California, San Diego State University has launched the first fully-accredited Center for Surf Research devoted entirely to the study of surfing.  Qualified applicants can even earn a Ph. D but here the D stands for "Dude."   

NASCAR's 14-year old driver, Katie Brice, must be really persuasive -- not only because she has to talk the officials into letting her race and convince her pit crew that she's a better driver than they are, but most of all because she has to talk her dad into giving her the keys to the car.

A new poll of blue-collar employees nationwide shows that 32% of them prefer working for a male superior and 22% favor a lady in charge.  An investigation is underway of the 13% who said they'd settle for either -- as long as their disciplinary preferences include bondage.

THURSDAY, September 15, 2011

Forking over one of the highest prices ever paid for a restaurant rating service, Google shelled out $200 million for Zagat.  They weren't the only interested buyer.   They had to outbid Charo who misread the offer and thought it said "Cugat."

The Professional Golfers Association has signed a nine-year contract with both CBS and NBC.  Viewers may find the new deal a tad confusing, though.  NBC will televise the first nine holes, and CBS the back nine.

Every major airline has instituted fare increases at least ten times since January.  They're not all greedy, though.  At Delta, if your luggage is overweight because it's stuffed with the extra cash needed for your ticket, it flies free.

Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson admits that a suspected marijuana dealer is a member of the church in which he serves as pastor.  Maybe you've heard of it -- Our Lady of the Perpetual Munchies?

WEDNESDAY, September 14, 2011

According to the National Automobile Association, Washington DC leads the nation in fender-benders.  So many drivers there enjoy diplomatic immunity, they never have to pay for the damage.  Instead of calling AAA, they call the UN.

Rightfully fearful of France's paparazzi, First Lady Carla Bruni insists that her child, due any day, will never be photographed.  She must be serious.  Recently she underwent amniocentesis and insisted her pediatrician use the images of a non-famous kid.

Cell phone manufacturer Nokia has a standing offer of $10,000 to anyone who can improve on its signature ring tone.  Why don't they save the ten grand and just record the sound of a cash register?

Along with Meryl Streep and Neil Diamond, another recipient of this year's Kennedy Center Honors will be celebrated cellist Yo-Yo-Ma.  He will be introduced by Oh-Oh-Oprah.

TUESDAY, September 13, 2011

"CONTAGION," starring Matt Damon, Gweneth Paltrow and Kate Winslet absolutely clobbered its opening weekend competition at the box office.  But the dramatic tension isn't the search for a cure -- CDC entomologists find that right away.  The suspense comes from watching the Food and Drug Administration put the vaccine through five years of needless testing.

The University of Massachusetts set a Guinness record by assembling and cooking a 4,000-pound stir-fry using 4,000 onions,  30,000 carrots, and 16,000 heads of lettuce.  The chopsticks were donated by AT&T -- telephone poles.
 
Lifeguards closed Mission Beach after they thought they saw a Great White circling.  There's a rational explanation for that.  See, Kirstie Alley just bought a $10 million condo in a Malibu gated community and the Homeowners Association made her promise not to swim within sight of their beach.

Fourteen Muslim women wearing burkas were refused admittance to the roller coaster at New York's Play Land because their scarves could become tangled in the wheels.  But they were placated when the park manager gave them fifteen free passes to the latest attraction "So You Wanna Be a Beekeeper?"

MONDAY, September 12, 2011

Fisticuffs legend Oscar de la Hoya is out of rehab and has admitted that he was  caught by the paparazzi last year wearing ladies undergarments.  Actually, his name alone gave him away.  "de la Hoya" is Spanish for "Do these trunks make me look fat?"

The Lifetime Channel has signed supermodel Molly Sims to host a new reality show called "Project Accessory," a spin-off of "Project Runway."  The show will mark the first use of the newly-developed "Bulimi-Cam" which digitally adds 30 pounds to supermodels so viewers can see them.

Michael Moore confides in his new book that his bodyguards are retired Navy Seals.  Actually, Michael employs lots of military personnel.  He just hired the Army's 101st Airborne Division to provide the silk needed to make his cargo shorts.  

Archaeologists digging in Egypt came up with a mummy whose brain had been removed.  They're being careful not to make any rash conclusions, though.  They've been gun shy ever since they found that mummy missing its asp and announced they'd discovered Cleopatra.

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 9, 10, 11, 2011

The family of John Wayne has authorized Heritage Auctions to sell of some of the Duke's memorabilia.  Items expected to entice bidders include his leather football helmet from USC, the saddle he used in seven westerns and several stuffed pilgrims left over from "True Grit."

Hollywood insiders were shocked at the announcement that Eddie Murphy will host the Oscars.  That's because Gumby has made nothing but clunkers lately like "Meet Dave" and "Adventures of Pluto Nash" -- which may be why the producers have asked him to wear his donkey costume from "Shrek."

"J. Edgar," a new film on the life of the FBI founder, opens this week with Leonardo DiCaprio as Hoover.  Leo spent six months at Quantico, VA learning how to handle weapons, how to follow the Bureau's strict rules of evidence gathering, and how to look natural wearing ladies' underwear under his suit. 

Wells Fargo has introduced a radical new debit card that will cost customers a flat fee of $3 per month.   They're hoping that those who can't afford to pay the fee will put it on their Wells Fargo Credit card where it will generate an additional 22% interest.

THURSDAY, September 8, 2011

For a guy who was known for wearing a flashy uniform with shiny medals, Moammar Kadaffi is turning out to be a wizard when it comes to blending in.  Only a few spectators noticed when he stood between New Gingrich and Ron Paul at the Reagan Library on Wednesday night.

Firefighters in Texas stood by helplessly as water to fight the out-of-control wildfires ran out.  It graphically recalls the ancient lament from The Ancient Mariner so familiar to every English major -- "Oil, oil everywhere and not a drop to squirt."

While his political credentials appear sound, Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman appears to have a name recognition problem.  84% of GOP voters surveyed identified the Huntsman as one of those all-purpose utility tools used by outdoorsmen.

Journeyman LA Laker Ron Artest predicts his team will win the 2012 NBA Championship.  Yeah, sure.  That's  like, let's see...  Joe Namath predicting the Jets would beat the Colts in Super Bowl III.  Okay... bad example.

WEDNESDAY, September 7, 2011

Nabisco has launched a new cookie called the "Triple Double Oreo" -- three biscuits separated by vanilla and chocolate creme.  Think Billy Crystal... Whoopie Goldberg... Robin Williams... and Eddie Murphy.

Australia's Foster's Beer is about to be taken over by rival brewer SABMiller.  Foster's is an  institution Down Under.  In fact, when Aussie wives withhold sex because their husbands come home drunk, it's called a "Foster's Freeze."

Michael Vick is one lucky professional athlete.  He hit the jackpot with Philadelphia Eagles management, signing a hundred million dollar ten-year deal even though he almost failed the league-mandated physical.  He was recovering from a nasty case of kennel cough.

The divorce court has ruled that Mel Gibson must pay his ex-wife Oksana a $750,000 settlement.  How was that figure arrived at?  Well, the judge reviewed the audio tapes of his rants and decided to charge him $10,000 per racial epithet.

TUESDAY, August 6, 2011

Court guru Nancy Grace has been signed as a contestant on "Dancing With the Stars."  She should be admired for her spunk, but she may be in for a rude shock.  Practicing by dancing with your broom is one thing, but doing it with a human partner. . .?

Fans of the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon gathered at LA's Laugh factory to protest the abrupt and unfeeling dismissal of its host of 45 years.  Meanwhile, MDA officials triumphantly announced that they may have finally discovered a cure for Jerry Lewis.

A state trooper in New Mexico was fired after a hearing determined he'd had sex on the hood of a suspected speeder's car.  Evidence against him included a surveillance video, DNA samples and a distinct outline of a Ford Mustang hood ornament on his back.

Fans of Denver Broncos quarterback say he was benched because he's an outspoken born-again Christian.  Could be a factor here.  The Bronco's defensive coach claims he was demoted because he was tipping off the snap by saying "amen" at the end of every signal.

LABOR DAY August 5, 2011

Customers expressed surprise when 7-Eleven began offering potato chips that taste like hot dogs.  Actually, it's a long association that began back in 1989 when Laura Scudder married Oscar Meyer and soon gave birth to twins -- "Frito" and "Pringle."

A government survey reveals that since 9/11 airport screeners have failed to detect 25,000 banned items.  Among the most overlooked were liquids like shampoo, aftershave, perfume and fifths of Jack Daniels carried aboard by pilots.

Actress Melissa Gilbert has divorced actor Bruce Boxleitner.  Under terms of the settlement, he gets the beach house in Malibu, the three Mercedes sedans and the Riviera Club membership and she gets the Beverly Hills mansion, the Bentley and the little house behind the Little House on the Prairie.

A San Diego teenager was hospitalized after being attacked by a gang who shot an arrow through his shoulder.  Apparently he's homeless.  He told the cops his address is "Tree 614 Sherwood Forest."

FRI, SAT, SUN, September 2, 3, 4, 2011

Two burglars wearing fake Time-Warner Cable uniforms were arrested by LA cops.  Police say it was the uniforms that caused neighbors to call them.   Of course, even when a real cable installer shows up is suspicious enough to rate a call to 911.

The Little league team from Huntington Beach defeated Japan to win the World Series.  Which just proves once again that a baseball team from southern California can win if the players aren't distracted by the owner's divorce.

Believed caused by the stress of her recent wedding, Kim Kardashian has developed the skin disease psoriasis.  But in a way she's lucky.  Her welts spell out the names of well-known designers.

House majority leader Eric Cantor is urging fellow GOP members to work with him to repeal liberal environmental laws that impede oil drilling and prevent new hiring.  He's got lots of support. Most Republicans now call the Endangered Species list the "menu."

Archeologists digging in Kenya have unearthed axe heads made 1.76 million years ago, much earlier than previously thought.  Some were extremely sophisticated.  One had seven blades and a label scratched on the side that said "Swiss Army Ax."