THURSDAY, July 8, 2010

There was some confusion during Queen Elizabeth’s historic visit to the UN as to whether curtsying would be required. But all was well after Hillary Clinton notified the British embassy that she didn’t care whether the queen curtsied or not.   

The Kremlin has signaled the F.B.I. that they would be willing to swap American spies serving sentences in Russian prisons for the ten Russian spy suspects arrested in Virginia and New York.  Not to be outdone, Sweden has offered to toss in Roman Polanski for Ann-Margret.

According to a study conducted by Morgan Chase, the nations with the friendliest banks are China, Russia and India.  Small problem with Chinese banks, though -- you can’t withdraw your money until you promise not to spent it in Taiwan.

A 15-year-old girl in St. Paul, Minnesota was charged with shoplifting forty-four pairs of panties from a local K-Mart.  She was sentenced to one year’s probation and ordered to take remedial math after she told the judge she wanted a different pair for each day of the month.

According to a study commissioned by the Department of Agriculture, it now costs parents in the U.S. $475,000 to raise one child.  And that’s just the bill for college -- housing, clothing and food are extra.
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

CARD TRICKS

On every overseas trip, Barney McNulty, a naval history buff, would check out the local maritime museums. During our week’s stay in Shanghai, he struck a mother-lode and was spending much of his free time exploring the museum he found in that ancient seaport upon which the British had so thoroughly stamped their influence.  As would happen occasionally, on one foray, he lost the concept of time’s unceasing march and was nowhere to be found when Hope and Mikhail Baryshnikov arrived for a scheduled run-through.

Without the cue cards, they were helpless and, as the minutes ticked on, Hope became more and more annoyed. He was slow to anger, but cross the line and he could make the offending party wish he or she had stayed in bed or
even out of show business — witness his dressing down Tony Randall in Chapter 2.  Since Barney’s tardiness was not that unusual, when it did happen, we’d all pitch in to protect him, making sure we’d catch him before Hope did to warn him. 

Finally, Barney strolled into the hotel — forty-five minutes late — and we were able to alert him that he’d better have a solid story ready. He did and immediately began pleading his case — he’d never seen so many books on the British Navy, he was so fascinated by the ship models that lined the museum’s walls, he was transported to another place, another time — a place where cue cards weren’t on the top of one’s list.  It was a gallant effort, but Hope was all over him like Simon Cowell on a tone-deaf American Idol contestant.

“This is it, Barney — the last straw! You’ve gone too far this time. I’ve let it slide in the past, but now it’s too late. You’re through. Done. I can’t rely on you, and you’re no longer of any use to me.”  Barney looked genuinely crestfallen. “Sorry, boss...”  It was an apology that was all too familiar. We’d heard it before. As Barney slowly turned to leave. Hope said, “Where are you going now?”  “To find a Chinese guy who can print in English.”  “Okay, as soon as we land in Burbank...”

Barney had a unique relationship with Hope because he was, while holding the cards, always up front and visible, vulnerable — the ideal flack-catching position if anything went wrong. Worse, he was almost in the audience. He was like an all-too-convenient whipping boy.  But there was a special bond between the two men that you could feel just watching them together. Maybe part of it was due to an incident that happened in Vietnam toward the end of the war.

A secret itinerary for a USO Christmas special had fallen into the hands of the Viet Cong who scored a direct hit on the suite Hope was supposed to be occupying at the Brinks Hotel in Saigon. The room, and several to either side of it, was completely destroyed, and the only reason Hope wasn’t in it was because Barn had failed to show up for a rehearsal.
Barney had saved Hope’s life and the memory of that close call was never far from their minds.

Tomorrow:  Shopping in 1979 China 

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