FRI, SAT, SUN, July 2, 3, 4

LAFFS From the PAST  (From our issue dated July 4, 2000)

Fox will produce a rap version of The Wizard of Oz with Queen Latifa as the Good Witch, Busta Rhymes as the Cowardly Lion and Little Richard as the Wizard.   Snoop Dog will play Toto if they can keep him out of jail long enough.

A middle-aged man dropped his pants and pranced around the court for about a minute, delaying a doubles match at Wimbledon involving Anna Kournikova.  This is the first year Marv Albert has covered Wimbledon and he probably just became overly excited.

KLM Royal Dutch Airlines is being prosecuted for grinding up 440 Chinese squirrels after they arrived at Schiphol Airport without proper import documents.   Now we know the source of that "Treetop Businessman's Lunch" served in First Class.

Headed for certain constitutional challenge, legislators have posted the Ten Commandments in the Orange County Indiana courthouse under a new law allowing it.   Yet another example of Separation of Indiana and Common Sense.

By a vote of 390-1, Congress passed a bill banning the slicing off of shark fins and casting the carcasses into the sea.   No surprise here. Most members of Congress are lawyers.

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud who reportedly told a colleague, "I wouldn't promote the damn thing if my brother-in-law didn't own a couch factory."
______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  
 
CARDIOMAN

In 1978, Ohio was celebrating its Golden Jubilee, and the dedication of the newly-refurbished Ohio Theater in Columbus where Hope had performed in vaudeville. Produced by Bob Banner, our hour-long special would include a parade in which Hope would be the Grand Marshal, capped by a black-tie, invitation-only stage show.  It had been a long day for Hope, and on the evening of the performance, about a half-hour before the taping was set to begin, he was standing in the wings with Elliott Kozak, his manager. Most of the guests had already filed into their seats, and a pianist was playing a medley of Ohio-themed songs. Hope turned to Elliott and said, "Feel my pulse." Elliott did and was alarmed by what he felt. Hope's heart was racing at about two hundred beats per minute!

As Elliott led him back to his dressing room, Hope said he felt all right and had no chest pains. Regardless of the absence of heart attack symptoms, his heart was racing abnormally, so Elliott insisted he lie down.  Banner was called in from the tech truck outside the theater and after speaking with Hope, told a production assistant to go out front - and without explaining why - locate the insurance executive whose company had sponsored the charity event. Banner wanted to avoid alarming the audience with the usual announcement that was sure to do just that.

The insurance guy told the PA that a well-known cardiologist was on the guest list, but hadn't arrived yet. She got his number. Banner called him and described Hope's symptoms. The doctor told Banner to take Hope back to his hotel - just a block from the theater - where the heart specialist could examine him more thoroughly.  With Hope still protesting that he felt fine, Banner and Elliott quietly slipped him out a side door.  Meanwhile, the audience - and most members of Hope's staff - had no inkling of the emergency. Gig and I accompanied Hope to the hotel and went to our own rooms to stand by if needed.  As Hope lay on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive, Banner had second thoughts. Maybe they were being too cautious in their attempts to keep the episode under wraps. After all, Hope was 76.  Banner dialed 911.

Within minutes, fire engines, sirens blaring, pulled up to the hotel entrance. Watching them from our balconies, Gig and I thought the unthinkable had happened. We rushed to Hope's suite where he was being examined by the cardiologist while the fire department ME's stood by in case their equipment was needed.  They were soon released by the doctor, and after they left, we learned that Hope had been diagnosed with nothing more than an episode of tachycardia - an anxiety attack. The doctor had reduced his racing heart rate by applying pressure on Hope's femoral artery. He was back to normal.  We all returned to the theater where some of our guest stars had kept the audience entertained during the hour-long delay they blamed on "technical difficulties." The taping proceeded without incident with Hope as emcee.

Over his wife Dolores's objection, he did a few more personal appearances in the East, but when he returned home, he had a complete cardio-checkup at Burbank's St. Joseph's Hospital. His doctors declared that he was heart
healthy, but he had to wear a device called a Holter monitor, which he wore for a week. Connected by phone to the hospital, it measured his heart activity in real time.  I asked him one day how he was taking to having the electronic device strapped to his belt.  "No problem," he said. "But every time I open Playboy, the phone rings." 
 
Next week:  Hope and the Muppets


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