LEIPZIG, (BBC) - Using hidden video cameras, scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology have observed bonobo apes shaking their heads to indicate “no.“  Even more remarkable, one of the cameras trained on a single pair of bonobos caught the female attempting to mouth the words “I have a headache.”

LONDON (BBC) - German and British researchers report that they have discovered a nasal spray they dubbed the “cuddle hormone” that makes men as conscious of the feelings of others as women are by nature.  There is one minor side effect, though.  It also gives men an insatiable desire to shop for shoes and have their breasts enlarged.

NEW YORK (BBC) - Robert Haldeman, the producer at CBS who attempted to extort  a million dollars from David Letterman not to reveal Dave’s sexual affairs with staffers, has been sentenced to six months in jail.  As a condition of his reduced jail time, he must also produce Dave’s new segment, “Stupid Blackmailer Tricks.”

LOS ANGELES (BBC) - Six County employees with the Department of Water and Power were reassigned after a local TV channel showed them drinking alcohol and visiting strip clubs while on duty.  Three were given desk jobs and the other three accepted offers for higher-paying jobs with the Republican National Committee.

MONTREAL (BBC) - Researchers from the University of Manitoba have discovered that wooly mammoths had a form of "anti-freeze" blood that kept them warm in sub-zero temperatures.  Scientists embracing intelligent design immediately challenged the findings, crediting the tea Noah served every day at four.
From THE LAUGH MAKERS (page 260)

Bali HiJinks

On our final night in Moorea, Howard Keel was scheduled to sing “Some Enchanted Evening” at the same location Rosanno Brazzi had belted out “Bali Hai” in the movie South Pacific. The taping was to begin precisely at sundown so that when Howard hit the final eight bars, the golden orb would be tucking itself behind the famous mountain. Dramatic — beautiful — and technically tricky. Our director, Walter Miller,
would have only one shot at it, and, if anything went wrong, he’d get no second chance — we’re out of there the next day.

Just before Howard arrived to go to work, a few clouds formed in the otherwise-pristine sky. Though they blocked our view of the mountain, they looked fluffy and harmless to the crew — a form of wishful thinking common among men who depend on light for their livelihood.  All at once, the sky parted and dumped enough rain on our little party to turn Death Valley into a Raging Waters theme park. The equipment
was quickly covered as everyone sprinted for cover and the producers convened an emergency summit meeting to devise Plan B. It’s quickly calculated that, without Howard’s number, we don’t have enough show.  We’ll just have to shoot the scene back in Burbank in front of a convincing photo of the mountain.

But Howard has an idea. Would the audience notice the difference between a sunset and a sunrise if they see only three-minutes of it?  Couldn’t we tape the number, reasons Howard, while the sun comes up?  Howard’s inventive nature earned him a four-thirty wakeup call, but the number went off in the crisp, clear post-monsoon morn without a hitch.  If you ever see a rerun of the show, look carefully — the evening is so enchanted it gets lighter instead of darker.  (To be continued…)

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.