THURSDAY, May 20, 2010

PENSACOLA BEACH, FL (AP) - The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has closed 48,000 square miles of federal waters in the Gulf of Mexico to fishing as “tar balls” began washing up on Florida beaches.  Not to be confused with the evil Tarball,  the arch-criminal James Bond tangled with in “You Only Leak Twice.”

WOBURN, MASS (AP) - Twenty-two year old Adam Wheeler has been expelled from Harvard and charged with larceny and identity fraud for falsifying a perfect SAT score and straight As at Andover.  Next, he plans to run for Congress and claim he served in Vietnam.

OAKLAND, CA (AP) - This year’s graduating class at prestigious Mills College included a 94-year-old woman who told reporters she fulfilled a lifelong dream of earning her bachelor’s degree.  Now comes the hard part -- finding a job.

ORLANDO, FL (AP) - Hank Haney, who has spent the last nine years as a swing coach for Tiger Woods has tendered his resignation.  He told reporters that he found it virtually impossible to demonstrate the proper swing in the backseat of Tiger’s Escalade. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - During an interview on ABC News, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad theorized that Osama bin Laden is somewhere in the United States.   Which means he probably won’t turn up until someone buys a winning lottery ticket in the 7-Eleven he manages.
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

(Charo examines Hope’s passport)

CHARO: This says your occupation is comedian.

HOPE: That’s right.

FLORENCE: I hope the Aussies don’t have a law against falsifying official documents.

CHARO: I must examine your luggage. Please place your suitcase here on the table.

(Hope tries to lift the bag and it doesn’t budge. He
tries two hands with no success.)

HOPE: Hey, some wise guy nailed it to the floor!

FLORENCE: Bob, stand aside. (She easily places the suitcase on the table)

HOPE: Sure, it’s easy when you’ve been on all those vacations with the Brady Bunch.

There were unique problems associated with staging a show in such a large venue. The microphones were strung on long surf-rods so they’d be under the audience’s line of sight and director Dick McDonough had a total of seven cameras — three is the standard studio setup — perched at strategic locations throughout the huge auditorium.

CHARO: (opens bag, removes jar): What’s this?

HOPE: Wrinkle cream.

CHARO: (with tube): And this?

HOPE: My mascara.

CHARO: (with bottle): This?

HOPE: Grecian Formula.

FLORENCE: (to Charo): Keep going. There’s more of him in there than there is out here!

HOPE: How would you like to be attacked by my “Waterpik?”

The items removed from Hope’s bag were small, but they were quickly identified so they would be instantly understood by the entire audience.  Otherwise, to get laughs, the objects had to be large enough to be seen by everyone, like these:

CHARO: (removes an orange life-preserver) This?

HOPE: Don’t pull that string! (She does and it inflates. On the back is printed: HELP!)

BARBARA: He’s been carrying that with him ever since he saw Jaws.

CHARO: (removes a bra with three size EEE cups)

HOPE: (to audience) I’m warning you guys. Never date anyone in the cast of "Star Wars"!

The sketch concluded with Charo discovering a live girl hidden in Hope’s steamer trunk whom he explains is his tennis instructor. As they stroll off together, Charo decides she’d better accompany them “to make sure there’s no ‘coochie coochie’.” Aside from the all-too-obvious blackout, the sketch worked pretty well considering the obstacles we had to overcome.  The real problem would come in post-production. Remember those seven cameras? Dick McDonough was getting such good shots, he had the cameramen keep rolling even when they weren’t on the air monitor, thinking the extra footage would make editing easier. But Australian television uses a different format than is standard in the U.S. — there are more lines on the screen so the picture is much sharper. All the extra footage had to be transferred at considerable expense. When told how much, Hope could be heard as far away as Fiji.

Before reaching the land down under, Hope made a quick pit stop in the land under the land down under — New Zealand. His first monologue of the tour would be delivered to a crowd of 2,000 Aucklanders.

* I’m happy to be in New Zealand I hear has more sheep than people. I believe it. When I got off the plane, all I heard was one, loud “baaaaaa.”

* I’ve never seen so many sheep. I feel like I’m visiting next year’s Christmas sweater.

* This is the time of year all the sheep are fleeced. Back home, we call it “April 15th.”

* New Zealand is the land of the Kiwi, a bird that doesn’t fly and lays an egg bigger than itself. I feel a certain closeness to the Kiwi bird. I can’t fly either, and I often lay an egg bigger than myself.

(Tomorrow:  Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide.)


Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:

http://www.amazon.com/LAUGH-MAKERS-Behind-Scenes-Incredible/product-reviews/1593933231/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_2?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&pageNumber=2
 
Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: 

http://www.audible.com/adbl/site/products/ProductDetail.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0545479184.1272211432@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccjadekfdmleefcefecekjdffidfmf.0&productID=BK_BEAR_000001
 
UK orders:
 
http://www.audible.co.uk/aduk/site/product.jsp?p=BK_BEAR_000001UK&BV_SessionID=@@@@1904657385.1272326590@@@@&BV_EngineID=cccgadekffeehdjcefecekjdfikdffg.0