LAFFS From The PAST From our issue dated May 23, 2000
Newt Gingrich and his adultery mate during the impeachment hearings, Callista Bisek, are planning to tie the knot in August. He's already named the prenup his "Contract With Callista."
A study conducted by the University of British Columbia found that Viagra does not have the same effect on women that it does on men. On the contrary, the pill seems to stiffen their resolve to develop a convenient headache.
Toxicological studies have disclosed that crayons contain up to 2.8% asbestos. One advantage, if it can be called that -- the kids who nibble on them are fireproof.
After pleading guilty to bopping her boyfriend on the head with a hubcap, Tonya Harding was sentenced to three days in jail. Where she was immediately pressed into service headlining the jail's award-winning inmate production "Visiting Day On Ice."
John Travolta's new space thriller "Battlefield Earth" is such a muddled mess, not even diehard sci-fi fans have been able to figure it out. John's so awful in this thing, several stations have canceled reruns of "Welcome Back, Kotter."
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Frankenstein's monster who was overheard telling his barber, "Just a little off around the bolts."
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Hope’s next stop was Australia’s capital, Sydney, often called the New York of Australia, where he delivered his monologue at the Hordern Pavilion in the heart of downtown.
* I was last here in 1944, and here I am again. You can’t fight popular demand.
* I thought it was safe to come back. Anyone who still remembers me is too old to do anything about it.
The Sydney Opera House, now recognizable by most everyone — it looks like five nuns’ hats stuck in the ground — had just been completed.
* Last night, we went to your wonderful new Opera House and saw the death scene from Camille. That wasn’t the performance, that was just a guy trying to find a place to park.
* I think I know the architect. Wasn’t he in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?
* And I hear it went a hundred-and-twenty million dollars over budget. Are you sure my wife had nothing to do with this?
At the time, the Hopes were building an $8 million hilltop mansion near Palm Springs so he knew whereof he spoke. Adelaide’s Apollo Stadium was Hope’s third stop en route to Perth. While most Aussies are of Irish extraction, the majority of Adelaide’s population trace their ancestry to Germany. Founded in 1836, it’s Australia’s key wine-producing region.
* What a reception I got at your airport! People cheering and whistling. Then my wig fell off, and they realized I wasn’t Olivia Newton-John.
* I never realized that Adelaide had so many German settlers until I saw a kangaroo driving a Mercedes.
* No, I love Adelaide. I’ve never been to this part of Berlin before.
On Australia’s far eastern-coast near the Coral Sea lies the city of Brisbane among whose unique features are homes built on stilts to protect them
from the dangerous flash-floods that occur during the monsoon season.
* I fit right in here. With my legs, now you’ve got something else on stilts.
The region had recently gone through an endless, economy-threatening dry spell that had defied all efforts to end it. They received world-wide publicity when, as a last-resort, they invited religious leaders from all over the country to take a crack at divine-intervention. They got even more publicity when it worked.
* I just found out how you brought an end to the recent drought, and, if you have a minute, could you pray for my monologue?
* And your hospitality has been overwhelming. Since I arrived, I’ve received thousands of phone calls and offers. That’s because I’m handsome, urbane, witty, and also because I managed to smuggle in five-hundred copies of Playboy.
Brisbane had recently enacted an ordinance that prohibited sending or receiving the magazine through the mail. In a country where nude beaches are as common as coral reefs, the Bible-thumpers somehow still make their presence felt.
Next, Hope touched down in Melbourne, a city more conservative than Fox News. Next to a Melbournian, Pat Robertson is a member of the A.C.L.U.
* Melbourne is Australia’s most conservative city. And I mean conservative. The first three times we flew over it, it was closed.
* I’ve heard of rolling up the sidewalks early, but last night they did it while I was standing on it.
* They have a country club here that’s so exclusive, they won’t even consider you for membership until you’ve been dead for ten years.
* Melbournians consider themselves so superior, whenever anyone dies in Melbourne, they say he defected to Sydney.
On this trip and all the junkets I would take with the show over the next seventeen years, I would be assigned a seat in First Class, thanks to a provision negotiated by the Writers Guild of America in the sixties covering all producer-signatories. The contract requires that whenever a Guild member is required to fly, his or her plane ticket shall match the producer’s. I have to say, those Guild negotiators were really thinking, because the American Federation of Musicians has no such provision, and you can guess what’s printed on their tickets.
On our flight home, I decided to have a little fun with the six Les Brown Band guys who had made the trip with us. I found them way back in the seats near the 747’s tail — the ones that are one step above the luggage compartment. So I approach and say, “Fellas, how many of you have heard of First Class?” They bombard me with crushed milk cartons — you know, the ones you used to get in Tourist. Then I say, “Bob says you can come up for a peek at how we live, but the ‘Noah’s Ark Rule’ will be in effect.” They all yell, “What’s the ‘Noah’s Ark Rule?’” I say, “You have to arrive two-by-two and you’re limited to five minutes. Don’t take advantage.” Now the boys are tossing their plastic utensils at me. The passengers seated nearby, aware that the Hope troupe was aboard, think the whole thing is a planned comedy routine, and they applaud!
The musicians on all our shows were great guys, and I enjoyed my good times on the road with them. I mention their travel circumstances here only because, after years of working with them, I really believe studio musicians are among the most undervalued, under-appreciated and underpaid performers in show business. I wanted to give them a well deserved plug in this book and figured this story was the most entertaining way to do it. Besides, if I hadn’t stumbled onto writing, I’ve always thought I would have enjoyed being a musician.
Next week: Trouble in Tahiti: Our problem-plagued visit to paradise.
Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:
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Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author:
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A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
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