SHANGHAI (BBC) - The Peoples Republic of China has launched the largest world's fair in history featuring exhibits from every major country. At the Pavilion of the Americas, visitors from the U.S. can ride the “Debt-O-Rama” -- a breathtaking roller coaster ride through huge stacks of currency representing the money we owe them.
TORONTO (BBC) - A study of 1200 children conducted by the Institute of Child Study at Toronto University shows that the earlier toddlers learn to tell lies, the more successful they’ll be in life. To further support their findings, researchers were able to obtain school records from 1942 showing that little Bernie Madoff sold the school’s jungle gym to six unsuspecting kindergartners for their milk money.
HOLLYWOOD (BBC) - The highly-touted Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe which reportedly cost $155 million to make fell short of expectations in its opening weekend netting a paltry $37.1 million. Robin would have done better but, in keeping with the spirit of the film, Universal donated $8 million to films performing even more poorly like Date Night.
SOUTH LAKE TAHOE, CA (AP) - School district officials are investigation allegations that South Tahoe High’s softball coach Anneliese Neitling made players who struck out during an important game against Reno’s Wooster High drink soda out of a shoe. Worse, she made the losing pitcher suck it through one of her sweat socks.
PARIS (BBC) - Opting to avoid the restrictions of a church wedding, two-thirds as many French couples are by-passing the traditional marriage license in favor of the new “Pacte Civil de Solidarite,” which is French for “Don’t expect him to give up his custom Jaguar or his mistress.”
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS
Armed with one of the longest monologues he’d ever deliver, and with 8,300 Aussie fans cheering wildly, Hope strode on stage dressed in a crisp, beige linen suit.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be here in Perth, the most isolated city on earth. Now I know why you didn’t send a man to the moon — you’re on it.
* Perth is strategically located — between nowhere and nothing.
* It’s such a long flight from Los Angeles, by the time we got here, I was starting to look like my passport picture.
* I love to fly, but I have a terrible fear of being hijacked to a country where they never heard of me.
That line was strangely prophetic. A little over a year later, along with his wife, Dolores, Gig and me, Hope would carry his own luggage from a China Airlines 707 that had just touched down at the Peking Airport. Thanks to a welcoming committee that had been delayed, one of the most recognizable faces in the world would belong to just another visiting American.
* And Perth has to be the friendliest city in the world. Yesterday, I saw two lobsters propositioning a kangaroo.
Perched on the far western edge of Australia’s vast Outback, the city is a demarcation point between that dusty red desert and the Indian Ocean and supports enough indigenous wildlife to keep Crocodile Dundee in business indefinitely.
* And you have such clean air here. My lungs aren’t used to it. This morning, they got up two hours before I did.
*The water here is so clear, I hear the shark from Jaws has to swim all the way to New Guinea just to change his shorts. Is that right?
Great Whites call the Indian Ocean home, so any reference to Peter Benchley’s heart-stopping classic was sure to draw a tremendous reaction.
* And there’s no air or water pollution in Perth. Where have you gone wrong?
Considered one of the most desirable areas in Australia, the city of Perth looks like what one imagines — someone my age anyway — Los Angeles must have been like in the twenties.
* I can’t tell you how happy I am to be standing here on the stage of the biggest theater in the world, with eighty-three-hundred seats. The last twelve rows are in Indonesia.
Though maybe not as far away as Jakarta, the uppermost rows were a good 300 feet from the stage which meant that, for our sketches to be seen and understood by the entire audience, we’d have to use simple sets and readily identifiable props.
* These audiences are great, but Australians drink so much beer, you’re talking to more people in the aisles than in the seats.
* No, I love the beer here. One sip and you don’t feel old anymore. Two sips and you don’t feel anything anymore.
These were not exaggerations. Down under, beer is the oil of industry. Our rooms at the posh Parmelia Hotel were equipped with small refrigerators in which daily appeared two complimentary quarts of Swan Lager, an Aussie favorite. Like clockwork, at around nine, in would pop a jaunty bellman who’d grab a bottle and ask, “Can I uncork one for you, mate?” To decline would have been ungracious toward our hosts. Wouldn’t it?
* I’ve never seen so many beautiful girls. Perth wasn’t only the first city the astronauts saw from space — it was the first one they looked for.
* And the beaches here are so safe. The life guards give every girl mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — whether she needs it or not.
Aside from its gorgeous women, Australia boasts the best-trained lifeguards in the world. While shooting segments for the show on the beach, crack teams of them could be seen drilling nearby, racing through the surf in longboats. Matching the Aussies’ love of the water is a great respect for its power.
Of course, Hope wasn’t about to spend two weeks in a foreign land without his sticks.
* I love your golf courses. Yesterday, I had a great caddy. He was carrying my clubs in a pouch.
* On the third hole, my ball was okay, but my caddie took a bad hop.
* But it worked out great. He could run faster than I could hit.
(Tomorrow: The gang goes through Customs -- with a by-the-book Customs officer.)
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A Longtime Bob Hope Joke Writer Presents Daily Insightful Topical Satire Of Current Events (Illustrated) Plus Rare Photos From Hollywood's Bygone Era And Excerpts From THE LAUGH MAKERS By Robert L. Mills -- Color Photos From the Book and Rare Classic Vintage Video Clips! Send Your Show Biz Questions to "ASK BOB" at: TheLaughMakers@GMail.com
THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!
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