MONDAY, May 24, 2010

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - During his address before Congress last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderon received a bi-partisan standing ovation when he mentioned the situation in Arizona -- three new El Pollo Locos opening in Mesa.

PARIS (BBC) - Five paintings worth $123 million snatched from the French Museum of Modern Art include Picasso’s “Dove with Green Peas,“ “Pastoral” by Henri Matisse and “Woman With Fan” by Amedeo Modigliani.  Investigators are carefully examining a security video entitled “Thieves Climbing Through an Unsecured Window.”

HOLLYWOOD (AP) Shrek Forever After is being described as a cartoon version of It’s a Wonderful Life in which Mike Meyers as the lovable ogre wonders what the lives of those around him would have been like without him.  Cameron Diaz would have been traded to the Yankees for Kate Hudson, Antonio Bandares would be hosting a bowling show on Telemundo and Eddie Murphy would still be churning out clunkers like Golden Child and Dr. Doolittle.

LONDON (BBC) - John Shepherd-Barron, a Scotsman who invented the ATM machine that revolutionized banking, died in Northern Scotland at age 84.  In his memory,  all ATMs in Las Vegas, Reno and Atlantic City saluted him with a minute of paying double.  

HOUSTON (AP) - The crew aboard the space shuttle  Atlantis brought along a four-inch long sliver from the tree Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under when that apple fell on his head.  The lesson led to his discovery of gravity and the wood sliver led to the development of the swizzle stick used by astronauts to mix their Tang.
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Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

In 1987, Hope made what appeared to be a mutually beneficial promotional arrangement with America-Hawaii Cruises. The hour-long special would include guest stars John Denver, Howard Keel, Jonathan Winters, Morgan Brittany, and the reigning Miss America, Susan Aiken. It would be taped in and around Moorea and the island chain’s capital, Papeete. Hope would perform an eight-minute monologue from the promenade deck of the cruise ship S.S. Liberte that was docked in Cook’s Bay. We were in a tropical paradise known the world over for its crystal clear lagoons and azure blue beaches crawling with topless, grass-skirted beauties renowned for their warmth, charm and indigenous friendliness. What could possibly go wrong?

Well for starters, Hope, introduced from off-deck, strode out in a straw hat and multicolored Hawaiian shirt and began his monologue with this line:

*  Here we are aboard the S.S. Liberte on the island of Moorea.  S.S. Liberte. Spend a few days on a cruise liner, and you’ll understand what the “S.S.” stands for — “Swingin’ Ship.”

The audience, huddled together on deck chairs, stared back at Hope like they’d just been struck by an iceberg. If this bunch had ever done any swinging, it was during the Roaring Twenties. And the roar was down to a whisper. We had written a monologue for the Love Boat, and it was being delivered on the S.S. Geriatric. In our rush to get aboard and set up, no one had bothered to check the passenger manifest, and now the vessel was scheduled to depart within hours. It was too late to regroup, so Hope had no choice but to press on, hoping we could edit in some canned laughter back home.

*  This is the Liberte which means freedom in French, and judging from all the cabin hopping I heard last night, it’s well named.

Again, the audience hasn’t a clue as to what he’s talking about. If they had done any cabin hopping the night before, it was to borrow a cup of Metamucil from a neighbor. As Gene and I stood at the railing seriously considering a swan dive, Hope glanced over at us with a look that said, “I should have become an accountant.” But Gene, ever cheerful, mouthed the words, “Keep going. You’re doing great.” Hope did, but he wasn’t.

*  One guy’s been so busy at night, he couldn’t remember where his own compartment was. He just found out it’s on another ship.

Right about now, Hope looks like he’d prefer to be on another one, too.

*  One gal asked the captain to perform a marriage ceremony and showed up with four guys. The captain said, “Which one’s the groom?” And she said, “Don’t rush me.”

At last, a huge round of applause from a group of couples celebrating fiftieth wedding anniversaries. After a few more jokes, the bellman announces that it’s time for another buffet, the audience files out en mass, and we hold an impromptu burial-at-sea for the monologue.  We had learned the hard way that Hope’s on-deck performances worked best with audiences in uniform.

Several months later, the cruise line declared bankruptcy, and the Liberte was sold at auction, refitted, repainted and renamed. We never found out if we had contributed to its demise.

Tomorrow:  John Denver disappears and “Some Enchanted Evening” gets rained out.

Order THE LAUGH MAKERS on line:

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Also available in an unabridged audio version read by the author: 

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