TUESDAY, June 1, 2010

“Sex and the City 2” failed to dethrone "Shrek" in weekend grosses and critics are faulting the film for playing fast and loose with history as the girls journey to the deserts of Abu Dhabi.  It’s so over-the-top, in one scene Sarah Jessica Parker ends up in bed with Lawrence of Arabia.

L.A. Angels’ first baseman Kendry Morales is out for the season after teammates celebrating his walk-away, game-winning home run, rushed from the dugout to greet him at home plate and broke his leg.  A pro-athlete hasn’t been injured that badly at home since Tiger Woods.

Yale University has updated its faculty behavior guidelines which specifically prohibit tenured professors from sleeping with members of their classes.  Already, some faculty members are skirting the rule by sharing attractive students in what the Economics Department has labeled a “balance of trade agreement.”

This year’s Indy 500 is in the books and while the only female driver, Dana Patrick, didn’t win she did manage to finish sixth.   With a third place finish last year and five career top ten Indy finishes, she told reporters, “I’ve shattered the brick ceiling.”

Plans are now underway to construct a 270-mile express line to  ferry high-rollers between Los Angeles and Las Vegas.  The high-speed party train will feature a special open-air "tanning car" that will cater to passengers making the return trip without a shirt.
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

By the time the 1982 season rolled around, Williams’ had found the range, and her editorial arrows were beginning to find more and more bull’s eyes. Here are her impressions of that year’s Christmas special:

“Bob Ho-ho-ho-Hope’s Christmas special this year was
virtually indistinguishable from any other season’s Hope
holiday greeting. The Merriest of the Merry — Bob Hope’s
Christmas Show — a Bagful of Comedy (Hope special titles
seem to grow larger in direct proportion to diminishing
originality) was a hopelessly hackneyed effort, the sort of
inspirationless Yuletide special that brings out the Scrooge
in TV critics.”

By the 1983 season, it was obvious that there would be no turning back.  With her eyes wide open, Miss Williams had burned her bridges and effectively took herself out of the running for inclusion in Hope’s will:

“Sometimes the cheap extremes to which Hope’s specials
stoop are so low, laughs are generated in spite of one’s better
instincts, but they are embarrassed chuckles, not hearty
guffaws. (Bob Hope’s All-Star Super Bowl Party)

And — tah, dah — the review of 1983’s Bob Hope’s Road to Hollywood
that almost gave birth to the $1,000,000 lawsuit:

“Apparently, Bob Hope gives many viewers what they want
because his specials frequently still earn high ratings. It’s
a mystery why the formula keeps working. Sure, we all
respect Hope as an enduring American institution. But it’s
not just because he’s a veteran who has entertained millions
for many years. It’s also because he acts like an institution.
When he steps down from his pedestal in his specials,
Hope can still be funny. But when he virtually stages
tributes to himself. . . it’s just a tad embarrassing. Perhaps
Hope’s standard bad sport Oscar jokes are more revealing
than one realizes — maybe Hope fetes himself because
he really does feel unrecognized. . . One only wishes that
this prodigiously talented performer would stop resting
on his laurels in uninspired, formula specials and take a
few chances. . . At his best in films, Hope was disarming.
Now that his specialty is introducing lineups of guest stars
with insincere-sounding suavity — and starring in his own
show’s commercials — he’s not nearly as much fun.”

My instincts were correct. She wasn’t even mentioned in the will.

Tomorrow:  Sometimes you have to protect your employer from himself. 

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MEMORIAL DAY May 31, 2010

It’s back to the drawing board for BP who announced that its latest “Top Kill” process to plug the Gulf oil leak had been a failure.  On a more positive note, the attempt did gain valuable name recognition for one of the villains in the next James Bond movie.

Queen Elizabeth will not attend the Commonwealth Games scheduled for early October in Delhi.  Too bad, because she’ll miss the long anticipated debut of ex-daughter-in-law Sarah Ferguson in the 10,000 meter Prince Andrew Royal  Family Influence Peddling Relay.

Embarrassed recently when a murder “victim” turned up alive after his “murderer” had been executed, China has tightened its rules that allow convictions based on torture-induced confessions -- or as Dick Cheney refers to it, “cost-efficient” justice.

Signaling the end of PM Gordon Brown’s authoritarian rule, Britain’s new government canceled a proposed plan that would have required Brits to carry an ID card.  Critics condemned the plan as too close to totalitarian regimes like Nazi Germany… Soviet Russia… Arizona...  

Australia is in the midst of a sperm donor shortage and has launched a TV ad campaign to recruit volunteers, reminding them that it’s not only painless, but fun.  Unfortunate choice of background music, though -- “Tie Me Kangaroo Down.”
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

Hope worked hard on his specials, and because he was proud of them, he suffered an acute allergic reaction to television critics who might be less than captivated by the end results of our efforts. Now on the leeward leg of a long and inordinately successful career, he craved acceptance. He had become accustomed to being liked, and criticism of his performances, because it was rare, smarted all the more. By and large, because of his wide popularity and his near icon status, most TV critics had come to treat Hope with kid gloves.  Most, but not all.

In the early 1980s, Hope picked up what would prove to be a persistent and bothersome burr under his creative saddle. The burr’s name was Gail Williams, a television reviewer employed by the entertainment industry trade paper The Hollywood Reporter. She had embarked on what Hope believed to be — judging from his reaction to her reviews — a one woman crusade to destroy, special-by-special, his television career. This, despite the fact that Williams’s reviews appeared after the shows had aired and couldn’t possibly have affected their ratings. (Hope never allowed pre-screening for the critics for this very reason.)  Besides, as I’d often point out to him when he’d call in a state of near apoplexy after reading one of Gail’s broadsides, The Hollywood Reporter is strictly an industry publication with virtually no circulation outside of Tinseltown.

That made no difference.  “I’m suing them for a million dollars!” he’d scream. After one particularly scathing review, he told me to call the entire staff and have them write anonymous letters to the paper defending him — not unlike Nixon, in the heat of Watergate passion, issuing orders to Haldeman and Erlichman that they would ignore. We did likewise.  While Hope carefully nurtured friendly relationships with most of
the major newspaper TV critics across the country — he seldom turned down a request for an interview — he had no control over critics hired by the trade-papers who were not beholden to him. They were free to express their true feelings and Williams did — in spades.

What did Williams write that sent Hope’s blood-pressure into the stratosphere? Here’s just a sampling:

“. . . Bob ‘dirty old man’ Hope’s latest special was a standard vehicle for the comedian. . . As always, conversations were marred by excessive reliance on cue cards and sketches were broad, featuring Hope in silly costumes, and sophomoric humor.” (Bob Hope’s Spring Fling 1980)

“. . . Hope delivered his monologue with his characteristic expressionless panache.” (Hope For President 1980)

“Everyone read their cue cards reasonably well, and [Loretta] Swit even managed to make her lines sound somewhat spontaneous at points.” (Bob Hope’s All-Star Comedy
Christmas Special 1980)

And she was just getting warmed up.

Tomorrow:  The review that sparked the million dollar lawsuit. 

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FRI, SAT, SUN, May 28, 29, 30

LAFFS From The PAST   From our issue dated May 29, 2000

According to a report by the National Institute of Medicine, doctors in the US make, on average, 98,000 mistakes annually.   The most common mistake: assuming, without verification, that the patient's charge card is still within its credit limit.

Bob Dole has been signed by Comedy Central as a political commentator for the upcoming presidential campaign. Between this job and Bob's Viagra gig, his wife should be entertained 24/7.

Addressing law school graduates, Bill Rehnquist warned against workaholism and urged the new lawyers to "develop a capacity to enjoy pastimes that many can enjoy simultaneously."    He recommends physically challenging activities that they're uniquely suited for like chasing ambulances on foot or terrorizing beach goers during the summer months.

Secretary of Defense William Cohen has invited George Bush to the Pentagon for a briefing on our strategic nuclear arsenal.    He also sent him a list of world leaders whose countries have atomic weapons and a coloring book to help him understand the intricacies of nuclear missiles.
 
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Sweat who is reported to have told Tears, "I don't know about you, but I can no longer stand the sight of Blood."

_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

During our month-long visit to tape a 3-hour special in China in 1979, our first run-in with the Ministry of Culture evolved as follows. We had written a spot that was to be taped in front of the Democracy Wall, a poster forum in downtown Peking that had recently received a lot of ink in the world press. Now that they had undergone a Cultural Revolution (so the theory went), any Chinese citizen was free not only to criticize the government, but to post his thoughts for all to read.  Our version of this newly-found right of free speech went like this:

HOPE: (to Chinese man pasting) Sir, would you mind 
translating that for me?

MAN: Not at all. I’m complaining about all the crime 
in the streets, traffic congestion, loud music at night 
and air pollution.

HOPE: Gee, I had no idea Peking had all those problems.
 
MAN: Oh, I’m not from Peking. I’m from from Passaic, 
New Jersey.

A permit to film at the wall had been requested and granted. The problem was, the actual script was completed just minutes before it was to be shot. There simply was no time to obtain an additional signature on our permit covering the changes.  News of the sketch we shot reached Culture faster than the invasion of Nanking. You’d have thought the guy was from Tibet. The officials demanded the tape right out of our camera.

Bob Wynn explained that it couldn’t be removed without destroying other material on the same reel.  After several head-to-head meetings, Hope was issued an ultimatum: unless the Democracy Wall tape was turned over to them by day’s end, no tape of our special would be allowed to leave the country.

While Hope, Lipton and Wynn continued the delicate negotiations, we managed to smuggle out the offending segment hidden among footage being sent back to Los Angeles with Jess Marlow, a local newsman who was covering our trip for KNBC.  The Ministry backed down only after receiving a signed affidavit from Hope that the segment wouldn’t be included in our special. It wasn’t, but from that point on during our visit, even the food served at our honorary banquets seemed markedly cooler. The Democracy Wall was demolished shortly thereafter and has never been rebuilt.

Next week:  Hope tangles with a recalcitrant critic.

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THURSDAY, May 27, 2010

NEW ORLEANS, LA (AP) - After several failed attempts to stem the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has begun  pumping mud and cement into the breach, a process known in the industry as “top kill.“  Not to be confused with that unidentified thing on Donald Trump’s head.

AUSTIN (AP) - The Texas school board voted to rewrite student history books to emasculate the separation of church and state doctrine and replace “democratic republic” with “constitutional republic.”  Worse, the word “Alamo” has been changed to “Alamo Car Rental.”  

PALERMO, SICILY (BBC) - An Italian clothing manufacturer is running ads featuring Hitler wearing a pink uniform with a heart instead of a swastika armband.  According to military historians, it was the official dress uniform of the 6th Broadway Showtune Battalion, 1st Interior Decorating Brigade of the Nazi Poofwaff.

NEWARK, NJ (AP) - State Health Department investigators have arrested a man performing plastic surgery in hotel rooms using black market derriere implants that contained "hardware-grade caulking material."   He was caught after he implanted one that still had a shower curtain attached to it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - The U.S. Postal Service will honor legendary actress Katherine Hepburn, best known for Oscar-nominated movies like “The Philadelphia Story,” her life-long love affair with Spencer Tracy and doing more to popularize the woman's pants suit than Hillary Clinton.
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

Compared to today’s modern construction boom in China (office high-rises can take as little as a week per floor to erect), 1979 construction was rudimentary, labor intensive and slow, using methods that had been the norm for centuries. Scaffolds which could extend upwards four or five stories were made of sturdy bamboo stalks lashed together with hemp. Hard hats had not yet been introduced — workers wore large-brimmed straw coolie hats as they scrambled along bamboo platforms that looked like the raft Tom and Huck ran away on.  Heavy duty tricycles with large, wooden flat beds between the two rear wheels were used to transport building materials — everything from twenty-foot tall stacks of bricks to bags of cement to steel re-bar and girders. 

One day I noticed one of these flat beds had pulled up beside us at a stop light (all stop lights came with a white-uniformed traffic control officer perched on a raised platform in the center of the intersection). The bed was empty save for a large canvas cover cinched around the edges with twine. Three sets of feet, toes upward, protruded beyond the edge of the canvas at the rear of the flat bed.  Pointing, I said to our guide, “Get a load of these guys catching forty winks on the way to the job site.”  He shook his head and said, “No more work for them. They’re dead.” 

He explained that so many peasants came to Peking looking for employment, they became part of a faceless horde with no ties to local families and no means of identification. The flat bed driver was part of the city’s “corpse corps,” charged with picking up the deceased and taking them to a central location for disposal.  From the moment we arrived in China, I’d had a sense of how vastly different our cultures were, but that day I realized how wide the chasm really was. Though it’s been 31 years, I can still see those six sets of toes pointing heavenward.

Tomorrow:  We lock horns with the Ministry of Culture over a comedy sketch




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WEDNESDAY, May 26, 2010

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA (AP) - The Postal Service has refused to reimburse a man who was given counterfeit bills when he cashed a $1000 postal money order.   Secret Service investigators say the man should have noticed that instead of presidents, the bills had portraits of the Ten Most Wanted. 

LONDON (BBC) -  A tabloid magazine has released a video of the Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson agreeing to provide access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for $724,000.  The Queen was said to be stunned by the worst scandal to hit Buckinghan Palace since Fergie was caught exchanging Jenny Craig memberships for Winchell's Donut coupons.

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - A thriving flock of South American parrots which began in 1989 when two birds escaped from a pet store has grown to over 300, some teaching others to talk.   Ornothologists point out that the only parallel in humans to birds who constantly repeat the same things is Fox News.

VIENNA (BBC) - Researchers discovered that the common fresh water musk turtle can survive underwater for months by breathing through its tongue.  The closest humans have come to this ability was Pamela Anderson on “Baywatch” but she wasn’t using her tongue.

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. - A veterinarian treating a pit bull for a heart ailment prescribed Viagra which apparently cured the dog but cost the owner $5000 -- $250 for the vet’s bill and $4750 to replace seventeen dented fire hydrants.  

_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

On our final day in Papeete, we headed to the Bounty which was anchored in a lagoon on the opposite side of the island. Our richly costumed period sketch would feature Hope as the cruel, crew-beating Captain Bligh; Howard as the ship’s doctor;  Susan Aiken as his nurse; Morgan Fairchild as the prim, school marm passenger; John Denver as the young, Wahini-smitten Fletcher Christian and Jonathan Winters as his tribal chief, soon-to-be father-in-law. 

Even under ideal studio conditions, accommodating such a large cast on the small screen is a tall order for any director, and Walter, one of the best, had his hands full with this one. While the ship had been ideal for de Laurentis who had the time to set up multiple camera shots, it was soon apparent that it wasn’t big enough to do our sketch on. People were a lot smaller in the eighteenth century, and everything was about three quarter scale.

In many of the scenes, members of the cast were sardined on her decks tighter than Cuban boat people. They looked like they were performing in a telephone booth. So much for exact replicas.  Walter tried setup after setup, attempting to create the illusion of size and depth. As a result, the taping ran longer than scheduled, and the entire company was supposed to depart that evening. A few crew members were sent back to our hotel-on-stilts to pack for those who had to remain to get the sketch, such as it was, in the can. 

Finally, at about four in the afternoon, Walter yelled “Cut! That’s a wrap!” The cameras, lighting and sound paraphernalia were stowed into dockside trucks in record time. Electronic equipment hadn’t disappeared that fast since the L.A. riots. Everyone raced to the waiting busses which would convey us to the harbor where the swiftest picket boat on the island was standing by. 

We arrived at the airport in Papeete with only minutes to spare, but as it turned out, our plane was grounded in New Zealand with mechanical problems and wouldn’t arrive until the next day.  At this point, Howard Keel entered panic mode. He was due on the set of Dallas in less than forty-eight hours to film some key scenes. If he was delayed in Tahiti, it would cost the producers — and him after the lawsuit — hundreds of thousands of dollars.  A smiling Quantas representative assured him that the plane would arrive in the morning as promised.

We were given our hotel assignments — a night’s free lodging for our inconvenience. They also threw in a phone call, so we could notify our next-of-kin of the delay. “Swell,” responded a tired, hungry and Bounty-weary Jonathan. “I’ll call my brother. He’s dead.”  Our patched-up 747 arrived on schedule, and Howard made it to Culver City in a limo he had waiting with only minutes to spare. He told me later he filmed the first scene with sand in his shoes.

A sad note. Nine years later, John Denver would die after plunging his EZ Lite experimental airplane into the ocean while taking off from California’s Monterey Peninsula airport. He was only 54 years old.

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TUESDAY, May 25, 2010

LAS VEGAS (AP) - Brothers Tommy and Dickie Smothers who began performing in college fifty years ago announced their retirement.  The item was broadcast on all the major TV news outlets except CBS which, out of habit, canceled it.

DENVER (AP) - Police arrested 20-year old Anthony Gonsalez after witnesses to a home invasion robbery identified him through the words "East Side" tattooed on his upper lip and "13" on his chin.  The bad news is he faces up to ten years in prison.  The good news is he's dating Sandra Bullock.

KATMANDU, NAPAL (AP) - Thirteen year old Jordan Romero became the youngest climber ever to scale Mt. Everest.  Of course he missed a little school, but now he's the world’s only kid who can tell his teacher, “The Sherpa ate my homework.”

CAIRO (BBC) - The Supreme Council of Antiquities announced the discovery of 45 mummies dating to 2750 BC.  Archeologists were astounded to find that even after 4760 years, some of the specimens are still more human-looking than Cher.  

LOS ANGELES (AP) - An angry judge tightened probation restrictions on actress Lindsay Lohan after she missed a court appearance because she was at Cannes.  Lindsay hasn't faced discipline like that since Meryl Streep played her mother in A Prairie Home Companion.

_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

When asked to guest on our Tahiti special, John Denver was a newlywed, and initially had turned down the offer.  But he reconsidered after Hope assured him that he was welcome to combine his working visit to Tahiti with a honeymoon.  When we arrived in Papeete, John and his new bride were assigned one of the ultra-plush huts perched on stilts over the water. To get to it, you had to traverse a thirty-foot long, narrow wooden walkway extending from the beach.

One day, while at our duty station at the open-air bar, we heard our assistant director knocking on John’s door. “Half hour, John. We’re almost set up.” Mr. Rocky Mountain High was scheduled to tape a song while combing the beach nearby.  The assistant left but soon was back.  Knock, knock, knock. “Fifteen minutes, John.” Still no John.  Ten minutes later, he reappeared, carefully threading the walkway for the third time.  Knock, knock, knock. “Five minutes, John.” He pressed his ear against the bamboo door. Nothing. He shook his head and waved toward an assistant on the beach.  “The hell with it. Set up Morgan Brittany’s number!”

Bali Hai-Jinks

On our final night in Moorea, Howard Keel was scheduled to sing “Some Enchanted Evening” at the same location Rosanno Brazzi had belted out “Bali Hai” in the movie South Pacific. The taping was to begin precisely at sundown so that when Howard hit the final eight bars, the golden orb would be tucking itself behind the famous mountain. Dramatic — beautiful — and technically tricky. Our director, Walter Miller, would have only one shot at it, and, if anything went wrong, he’d get no second chance — we’re out of there the next day.  Just before Howard arrived to go to work, a few clouds formed in the otherwise-pristine sky. Though they blocked our view of the mountain, they looked fluffy and harmless to the crew — a form of wishful thinking common among men who depend on light for their livelihood.  All at once, the sky parted and dumped enough rain on our little party to turn Death Valley into a Raging Waters theme park. The equipment was quickly covered as everyone sprinted for cover and the producers convened an emergency summit meeting to devise Plan B. It’s quickly calculated that, without Howard’s number, we don’t have enough show.  We’ll just have to shoot the scene back in Burbank in front of a convincing photo of the mountain.

But Howard has an idea. Would the audience notice the difference between a sunset and a sunrise if they see only three-minutes of it?  Couldn’t we tape the number, reasons Howard, while the sun comes up?  Howard’s inventive nature earned him a four-thirty wake-up call, but the number went off in the crisp, clear post-monsoon morn without a hitch.  If you ever see a rerun of the show, look carefully — the evening is so enchanted it gets lighter instead of darker.

Tomorrow:  Our "Mutiny on the Bounty" sketch runs aground

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MONDAY, May 24, 2010

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - During his address before Congress last week, Mexican President Felipe Calderon received a bi-partisan standing ovation when he mentioned the situation in Arizona -- three new El Pollo Locos opening in Mesa.

PARIS (BBC) - Five paintings worth $123 million snatched from the French Museum of Modern Art include Picasso’s “Dove with Green Peas,“ “Pastoral” by Henri Matisse and “Woman With Fan” by Amedeo Modigliani.  Investigators are carefully examining a security video entitled “Thieves Climbing Through an Unsecured Window.”

HOLLYWOOD (AP) Shrek Forever After is being described as a cartoon version of It’s a Wonderful Life in which Mike Meyers as the lovable ogre wonders what the lives of those around him would have been like without him.  Cameron Diaz would have been traded to the Yankees for Kate Hudson, Antonio Bandares would be hosting a bowling show on Telemundo and Eddie Murphy would still be churning out clunkers like Golden Child and Dr. Doolittle.

LONDON (BBC) - John Shepherd-Barron, a Scotsman who invented the ATM machine that revolutionized banking, died in Northern Scotland at age 84.  In his memory,  all ATMs in Las Vegas, Reno and Atlantic City saluted him with a minute of paying double.  

HOUSTON (AP) - The crew aboard the space shuttle  Atlantis brought along a four-inch long sliver from the tree Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under when that apple fell on his head.  The lesson led to his discovery of gravity and the wood sliver led to the development of the swizzle stick used by astronauts to mix their Tang.
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

In 1987, Hope made what appeared to be a mutually beneficial promotional arrangement with America-Hawaii Cruises. The hour-long special would include guest stars John Denver, Howard Keel, Jonathan Winters, Morgan Brittany, and the reigning Miss America, Susan Aiken. It would be taped in and around Moorea and the island chain’s capital, Papeete. Hope would perform an eight-minute monologue from the promenade deck of the cruise ship S.S. Liberte that was docked in Cook’s Bay. We were in a tropical paradise known the world over for its crystal clear lagoons and azure blue beaches crawling with topless, grass-skirted beauties renowned for their warmth, charm and indigenous friendliness. What could possibly go wrong?

Well for starters, Hope, introduced from off-deck, strode out in a straw hat and multicolored Hawaiian shirt and began his monologue with this line:

*  Here we are aboard the S.S. Liberte on the island of Moorea.  S.S. Liberte. Spend a few days on a cruise liner, and you’ll understand what the “S.S.” stands for — “Swingin’ Ship.”

The audience, huddled together on deck chairs, stared back at Hope like they’d just been struck by an iceberg. If this bunch had ever done any swinging, it was during the Roaring Twenties. And the roar was down to a whisper. We had written a monologue for the Love Boat, and it was being delivered on the S.S. Geriatric. In our rush to get aboard and set up, no one had bothered to check the passenger manifest, and now the vessel was scheduled to depart within hours. It was too late to regroup, so Hope had no choice but to press on, hoping we could edit in some canned laughter back home.

*  This is the Liberte which means freedom in French, and judging from all the cabin hopping I heard last night, it’s well named.

Again, the audience hasn’t a clue as to what he’s talking about. If they had done any cabin hopping the night before, it was to borrow a cup of Metamucil from a neighbor. As Gene and I stood at the railing seriously considering a swan dive, Hope glanced over at us with a look that said, “I should have become an accountant.” But Gene, ever cheerful, mouthed the words, “Keep going. You’re doing great.” Hope did, but he wasn’t.

*  One guy’s been so busy at night, he couldn’t remember where his own compartment was. He just found out it’s on another ship.

Right about now, Hope looks like he’d prefer to be on another one, too.

*  One gal asked the captain to perform a marriage ceremony and showed up with four guys. The captain said, “Which one’s the groom?” And she said, “Don’t rush me.”

At last, a huge round of applause from a group of couples celebrating fiftieth wedding anniversaries. After a few more jokes, the bellman announces that it’s time for another buffet, the audience files out en mass, and we hold an impromptu burial-at-sea for the monologue.  We had learned the hard way that Hope’s on-deck performances worked best with audiences in uniform.

Several months later, the cruise line declared bankruptcy, and the Liberte was sold at auction, refitted, repainted and renamed. We never found out if we had contributed to its demise.

Tomorrow:  John Denver disappears and “Some Enchanted Evening” gets rained out.

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FRI, SAT, SUN, May 21, 22, 23

LAFFS From The PAST   From our issue dated May 23, 2000

Newt Gingrich and his adultery mate during the impeachment hearings, Callista Bisek, are planning to tie the knot in August.  He's already named the prenup his "Contract With Callista."

A study conducted by the University of British Columbia found that Viagra does not have the same effect on women that it does on men.  On the contrary, the pill seems to stiffen their resolve to develop a convenient headache.

Toxicological studies have disclosed that crayons contain up to 2.8% asbestos.  One advantage, if it can be called that -- the kids who nibble on them are fireproof.

After pleading guilty to bopping her boyfriend on the head with a hubcap, Tonya Harding was sentenced to three days in jail.  Where she was immediately pressed into service headlining the jail's award-winning inmate production "Visiting Day On Ice."

John Travolta's new space thriller "Battlefield Earth" is such a muddled mess, not even diehard sci-fi fans have been able to figure it out.    John's so awful in this thing, several stations have canceled reruns of "Welcome Back, Kotter."

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of Frankenstein's monster who was overheard telling his barber, "Just a little off around the bolts."

_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

Hope’s next stop was Australia’s capital, Sydney, often called the New York of Australia, where he delivered his monologue at the Hordern Pavilion in the heart of downtown.

*  I was last here in 1944, and here I am again. You can’t fight popular demand.

*  I thought it was safe to come back. Anyone who still remembers me is too old to do anything about it.

The Sydney Opera House, now recognizable by most everyone — it looks like five nuns’ hats stuck in the ground — had just been completed. 

*  Last night, we went to your wonderful new Opera House and saw the death scene from Camille. That wasn’t the performance, that was just a guy trying to find a place to park.

*  I think I know the architect. Wasn’t he in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

*  And I hear it went a hundred-and-twenty million dollars over budget. Are you sure my wife had nothing to do with this?

At the time, the Hopes were building an $8 million hilltop mansion near Palm Springs so he knew whereof he spoke.  Adelaide’s Apollo Stadium was Hope’s third stop en route to Perth. While most Aussies are of Irish extraction, the majority of Adelaide’s population trace their ancestry to Germany. Founded in 1836, it’s Australia’s key wine-producing region.

*  What a reception I got at your airport! People cheering and whistling. Then my wig fell off, and they realized I wasn’t Olivia Newton-John.

*  I never realized that Adelaide had so many German settlers until I saw a kangaroo driving a Mercedes.

*  No, I love Adelaide. I’ve never been to this part of Berlin before.  

On Australia’s far eastern-coast near the Coral Sea lies the city of Brisbane among whose unique features are homes built on stilts to protect them
from the dangerous flash-floods that occur during the monsoon season.

*  I fit right in here. With my legs, now you’ve got something else on stilts.

The region had recently gone through an endless, economy-threatening dry spell that had defied all efforts to end it. They received world-wide publicity when, as a last-resort, they invited religious leaders from all over the country to take a crack at divine-intervention. They got even more publicity when it worked.

*  I just found out how you brought an end to the recent drought, and, if you have a minute, could you pray for my monologue?

*  And your hospitality has been overwhelming. Since I arrived, I’ve received thousands of phone calls and offers. That’s because I’m handsome, urbane, witty, and also because I managed to smuggle in five-hundred copies of Playboy.

Brisbane had recently enacted an ordinance that prohibited sending or receiving the magazine through the mail. In a country where nude beaches are as common as coral reefs, the Bible-thumpers somehow still make their presence felt.

Next, Hope touched down in Melbourne, a city more conservative than Fox News. Next to a Melbournian, Pat Robertson is a member of the A.C.L.U. 

*  Melbourne is Australia’s most conservative city. And I mean conservative. The first three times we flew over it, it was closed.

*  I’ve heard of rolling up the sidewalks early, but last night they did it while I was standing on it.

*  They have a country club here that’s so exclusive, they won’t even consider you for membership until you’ve been dead for ten years.

*  Melbournians consider themselves so superior, whenever anyone dies in Melbourne, they say he defected to Sydney.

On this trip and all the junkets I would take with the show over the next seventeen years, I would be assigned a seat in First Class, thanks to a provision negotiated by the Writers Guild of America in the sixties covering all producer-signatories. The contract requires that whenever a Guild member is required to fly, his or her plane ticket shall match the producer’s. I have to say, those Guild negotiators were really thinking, because the American Federation of Musicians has no such provision, and you can guess what’s printed on their tickets.

On our flight home, I decided to have a little fun with the six Les Brown Band guys who had made the trip with us. I found them way back in the seats near the 747’s tail — the ones that are one step above the luggage compartment.  So I approach and say, “Fellas, how many of you have heard of First Class?” They bombard me with crushed milk cartons — you know, the ones you used to get in Tourist. Then I say, “Bob says you can come up for a peek at how we live, but the ‘Noah’s Ark Rule’ will be in effect.”  They all yell, “What’s the ‘Noah’s Ark Rule?’”  I say, “You have to arrive two-by-two and you’re limited to five minutes.  Don’t take advantage.”  Now the boys are tossing their plastic utensils at me.  The passengers seated nearby, aware that the Hope troupe was aboard, think the whole thing is a planned comedy routine, and they applaud! 

The musicians on all our shows were great guys, and I enjoyed my good times on the road with them. I mention their travel circumstances here only because, after years of working with them, I really believe studio musicians are among the most undervalued, under-appreciated and underpaid performers in show business. I wanted to give them a well deserved plug in this book and figured this story was the most entertaining way to do it.  Besides, if I hadn’t stumbled onto writing, I’ve always thought I would have enjoyed being a musician.

Next week: Trouble in Tahiti:  Our problem-plagued visit to paradise.

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THURSDAY, May 20, 2010

PENSACOLA BEACH, FL (AP) - The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has closed 48,000 square miles of federal waters in the Gulf of Mexico to fishing as “tar balls” began washing up on Florida beaches.  Not to be confused with the evil Tarball,  the arch-criminal James Bond tangled with in “You Only Leak Twice.”

WOBURN, MASS (AP) - Twenty-two year old Adam Wheeler has been expelled from Harvard and charged with larceny and identity fraud for falsifying a perfect SAT score and straight As at Andover.  Next, he plans to run for Congress and claim he served in Vietnam.

OAKLAND, CA (AP) - This year’s graduating class at prestigious Mills College included a 94-year-old woman who told reporters she fulfilled a lifelong dream of earning her bachelor’s degree.  Now comes the hard part -- finding a job.

ORLANDO, FL (AP) - Hank Haney, who has spent the last nine years as a swing coach for Tiger Woods has tendered his resignation.  He told reporters that he found it virtually impossible to demonstrate the proper swing in the backseat of Tiger’s Escalade. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - During an interview on ABC News, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad theorized that Osama bin Laden is somewhere in the United States.   Which means he probably won’t turn up until someone buys a winning lottery ticket in the 7-Eleven he manages.
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

(Charo examines Hope’s passport)

CHARO: This says your occupation is comedian.

HOPE: That’s right.

FLORENCE: I hope the Aussies don’t have a law against falsifying official documents.

CHARO: I must examine your luggage. Please place your suitcase here on the table.

(Hope tries to lift the bag and it doesn’t budge. He
tries two hands with no success.)

HOPE: Hey, some wise guy nailed it to the floor!

FLORENCE: Bob, stand aside. (She easily places the suitcase on the table)

HOPE: Sure, it’s easy when you’ve been on all those vacations with the Brady Bunch.

There were unique problems associated with staging a show in such a large venue. The microphones were strung on long surf-rods so they’d be under the audience’s line of sight and director Dick McDonough had a total of seven cameras — three is the standard studio setup — perched at strategic locations throughout the huge auditorium.

CHARO: (opens bag, removes jar): What’s this?

HOPE: Wrinkle cream.

CHARO: (with tube): And this?

HOPE: My mascara.

CHARO: (with bottle): This?

HOPE: Grecian Formula.

FLORENCE: (to Charo): Keep going. There’s more of him in there than there is out here!

HOPE: How would you like to be attacked by my “Waterpik?”

The items removed from Hope’s bag were small, but they were quickly identified so they would be instantly understood by the entire audience.  Otherwise, to get laughs, the objects had to be large enough to be seen by everyone, like these:

CHARO: (removes an orange life-preserver) This?

HOPE: Don’t pull that string! (She does and it inflates. On the back is printed: HELP!)

BARBARA: He’s been carrying that with him ever since he saw Jaws.

CHARO: (removes a bra with three size EEE cups)

HOPE: (to audience) I’m warning you guys. Never date anyone in the cast of "Star Wars"!

The sketch concluded with Charo discovering a live girl hidden in Hope’s steamer trunk whom he explains is his tennis instructor. As they stroll off together, Charo decides she’d better accompany them “to make sure there’s no ‘coochie coochie’.” Aside from the all-too-obvious blackout, the sketch worked pretty well considering the obstacles we had to overcome.  The real problem would come in post-production. Remember those seven cameras? Dick McDonough was getting such good shots, he had the cameramen keep rolling even when they weren’t on the air monitor, thinking the extra footage would make editing easier. But Australian television uses a different format than is standard in the U.S. — there are more lines on the screen so the picture is much sharper. All the extra footage had to be transferred at considerable expense. When told how much, Hope could be heard as far away as Fiji.

Before reaching the land down under, Hope made a quick pit stop in the land under the land down under — New Zealand. His first monologue of the tour would be delivered to a crowd of 2,000 Aucklanders.

* I’m happy to be in New Zealand I hear has more sheep than people. I believe it. When I got off the plane, all I heard was one, loud “baaaaaa.”

* I’ve never seen so many sheep. I feel like I’m visiting next year’s Christmas sweater.

* This is the time of year all the sheep are fleeced. Back home, we call it “April 15th.”

* New Zealand is the land of the Kiwi, a bird that doesn’t fly and lays an egg bigger than itself. I feel a certain closeness to the Kiwi bird. I can’t fly either, and I often lay an egg bigger than myself.

(Tomorrow:  Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide.)


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WEDNESDAY, May 19, 2010

WASHINGTON D.C. (BBC) - US Interior Secretary Ken Salazar has promised a complete overhaul of the agency that was supposed to be regulating offshore oil drilling,  called the Minerals Management Service or MMS.   The new agency will be renamed the CBDATHIG -- the “Closing the Barn Door After the Horse is Gone” department. 

SANTA MONICA, CA (AP) - Former Food Network TV chef Juan Carlos Cruz, host of “Calorie Commando” featuring low-calorie recipes, is accused of hiring a hit man to kill his wife, an attorney.   Okay, so conspiring to murder a lawyer is only a misdemeanor, but he’s still in big trouble.

TANZANIA COAST (BBC) - The HMS Chatham, a Royal Navy warship serving Nato,  confronted, boarded and scuttled two pirate ships in the Somali Basin.  All crew members aboard the ships were captured except the captain who somehow managed to swim ashore with a waterlogged peg leg and a wet parrot on his shoulder.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - In the war on childhood obesity, General Mills, Kellogg, and Kraft Foods have pledged to cut 1.5 trillion calories from their products by 2015.  Already Capt’n Crunch has signed on with Jenny Craig, Snap, Crackle and Pop are on Nutri-System and Tony the Tiger will be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”  

RICHMOND, VA (BBC) - Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, will soon close fourteen plants  and lay off  6000 employees, almost a fifth of its total workforce.  Said company president Nat Ricciardi, “The market is soft and we face stiff competition from Cialis.  Believe me, this is hard on everyone in the company." 
_______________________________

Excerpted From THE LAUGH MAKERS  

Following the monologue, we set the stage for our obligatory customs sketch — always surefire in a foreign country — featuring Hope, Barbara and Florence as themselves confronted by an ultra-suspicious customs officer played by Charo.

(Up on busy airport lobby)
ANNOUNCER: “Will the Bob Hope party please report to Customs?”)

(Barbara Eden and Florence enter the arrival area and move toward a long table with a sign reading:  AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS.)

BARBARA: What’s taking Bob so long? I’d sure like to get to the hotel.

FLORENCE: It takes time to organize a spontaneous demonstration.

BARBARA: I think I saw him signing autographs. It’s ten dollars an autograph.

FLORENCE: He gets ten dollars an autograph?

BARBARA: Oh, no. He pays it.

(Hope enters dressed in an Australian safari outfit: bush jacket, shorts, long stockings and a hat with the brim turned up on one side as is the Australian custom)

HOPE: Okay, mates, billy me bloke, let’s go pick up a cobber and a jackeroo and catch us a dinkem boomerang, huh!

FLORENCE: Bob, what are you saying?

HOPE: I don’t know, but five stewardesses thought it was hilarious.

This is a classic gag formula that appeared in many Hope sketches. We called it the “I don’t know, but... ” setup. In a sketch at the Air Force Academy, Hope enters and says “Cadet Hope reporting as ordered, sir!  Flaps up, wheels down, zeroes at eleven o’clock, coming in on a wing and a prayer, bombs away, A-OK, roger, over and out!”  Loni Anderson asks, “What does all that mean?”  Hope says “I have no idea, but it sure made a star out of Jimmy Stewart.”

BARBARA: Are you sure it wasn’t your legs?

HOPE: Owww, there’s so much jealousy in this business. (bangs on table) How about some service here!  (to the girls)  Now let me do the talking. I know how to handle these Australian accents. (calls out) What say in there, cobbers?  How about some service!

(Charo enters dressed as a customs officer: short shorts, white blouse with the buttons unfastened. She looks gorgeous)

Charo had been discovered at age sixteen by band leader Xavier Cougat.  Her drop-dead Spanish beauty coupled with an accent that tended to pummel the English language into submission, had insured many return visits to 'The Merv Griffin Show," where she became well-known to viewers — most of whom were stunned when learning for the first time that she played classical Spanish guitar like she’d been raised by Andre Segovia.  Charo was a Hope favorite and would appear on our World Series special later this same year.

CHARO: What’s going on out here? (to Hope) What are you, a hooligan? I am Inspector Charo. I will inspect your bags, look in your socks, feel in your shoes, open your shirt...

HOPE: Keep going. I may stay at the airport.

CHARO: What is your nationality?

HOPE: I’m an American.

CHARO: You can’t be American. You don’t talk like me.

HOPE: Who does?

CHARO: I must fill out this form. Please indicate the province, state, kingdom, territory, principality or protectorate from which the applicant originally immigrated. (deep breath)

HOPE: Could you read that again?

CHARO: What’s the matter, you don’t understand my inflections?

BARBARA: That’s just the problem. He can’t take his eyes off of them.

FLORENCE: Bob, tell her where you were born or we’ll be here all day.

HOPE: I was born in England. Here’s my birth certificate.
(hands it to her)

CHARO: (looks at it) Wow! It’s not every day you see something signed by Queen Victoria!

HOPE: Isn’t that incredible? She was dead forty years at the time.

Interestingly, it was just about this time that we began using Hope’s advancing years as a joke topic. Previously, he’d been sensitive on the subject, but now that he’d reached seventy-five, it seemed silly to keep pretending he was sixty. While age would never become the driving force in Hope’s routines as it would for George Burns, more frequent references to it would find their way into our scripts.

CHARO: Now I must examine your passport.

HOPE: Here you are, darling. (hands it to her)

CHARO: (looks at it) This is a very good likeness.

BARBARA: It should be. It’s by Michelangelo.

HOPE: Wouldn’t you help a starving art student who needed the work?

(Continued tomorrow when Charo discovers some interesting items in Hope's suitcase.)

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