A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
A Brief But Welcome Respite From the Endless Presidential Election Blather
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P*I*E
A Brief But Welcome Respite From the Endless Presidential Election Blather
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London, England -- Critics have unanimously slammed Trevor Nunn’s musical version of “Gone With The Wind,” which opened this week at the West End’s New London Theater. Main problems seem to be the Act Two show-stopper “Springtime For Robert E. Lee” and the full-cast dance number “Don’t Know Nothin’ ‘Bout Birthin’ No Babies!”
Washington, DC -- Rice insists that the Bush administration warned Jimmy Carter that meeting with Hamas leaders would violate the US policy against negotiating with terrorists. They warned him not to build any free houses for those nasty Palestinians, either.
Oklahoma City, OK -- The state legislature has approved a plan to find an official rock ‘n’ roll song and is accepting suggestions from the public. The winning entry will be announced during next summer’s dedication of the full sized bronze statue of Keith Richards in the foyer of the State House.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…
“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”
George W. Bush 10/18/2000 LaCrosse, WIS
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Nashville, TN -- The legislature is considering a ban on smoking within 25 feet of a hospital. With the exception of the state’s world-renowned thoractic surgery clinic, Cedars of Philip Morris.
New York, NY -- The New York Restaurant Association is appealing a city ordinance that will require the posting of calorie counts of all menu items. If this is allowed, they claim, the next thing you know, hookers will have to post their STD’s.
Los Angeles, CA -- The Catholic Archdiocese has put up five high schools as collateral for a $50 million loan from an Irish bank to help pay off the $600 sex abuse settlement. One of them is Mahoney’s favorite, Our Lady of Protected Pedophile Priests High.
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Nashville, TN -- The legislature is considering a ban on smoking within 25 feet of a hospital. With the exception of the state’s world-renowned thoractic surgery clinic, Cedars of Philip Morris.
New York, NY -- The New York Restaurant Association is appealing a city ordinance that will require the posting of calorie counts of all menu items. If this is allowed, they claim, the next thing you know, hookers will have to post their STD’s.
Los Angeles, CA -- The Catholic Archdiocese has put up five high schools as collateral for a $50 million loan from an Irish bank to help pay off the $600 sex abuse settlement. One of them is Mahoney’s favorite, Our Lady of Protected Pedophile Priests High.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org (866) 732-3585
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New York, NY -- The State Appellate Court recently upheld a ban on cell phones in public schools. Next day, the School Board notified the kids by text message.
Zurich, Switzerland -- Werner Groebli, “Frick” of the legendary 40’s ice duo “Frick & Frack,” billed as “The Crown Kings of the Ice Follies,” has died here at age 92. The innovative pair led the way for later rink rascals, including the most notorious of them, Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
Hollywood, CA -- Former “View” luminary Starr Jones has notified hubby Al Reynolds that he’s history. Could this be the 145 pounds she recently vowed to lose?
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Zurich, Switzerland -- Werner Groebli, “Frick” of the legendary 40’s ice duo “Frick & Frack,” billed as “The Crown Kings of the Ice Follies,” has died here at age 92. The innovative pair led the way for later rink rascals, including the most notorious of them, Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
Hollywood, CA -- Former “View” luminary Starr Jones has notified hubby Al Reynolds that he’s history. Could this be the 145 pounds she recently vowed to lose?
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[] If you’d like to receive a weekly copy of this blog delivered to your e-mail box, send a blank e-mail to:
Funnysideup-subscribe@topica.com
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McMinneville, OR -- The faculty at Linfield College has unanimously voted to ban all weapons from campus including “guns, swords, hatchets, axes, throwing stars, nutchucks, and long knives.” Several ROTC cadets were recently spotted training for Iraq with Super Soakers.
Allentown, PENN -- The City Parking Authority has installed a GPS monitoring system to catch drivers who violate time limits by stuffing meters with coins. The system is so precise, it can identify the false limp of a driver using a handicapped space.
New York, NY -- Fearing a potential worldwide shortage of rice, Sam’s Club will limit sales of jasmine, basmati and long grain rice. Wedding planners nationwide are advising clients to substitute sunflower seeds.
Hollywood, CA -- Claiming violation of copyright, Yoko Ono has filed suit against Ben Stein for using the Beatles hit “Imagine” in his anti-evolution documentary. One of the better ways to win Ben Stein’s money… sue his ass.
Funnysideup-subscribe@topica.com
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McMinneville, OR -- The faculty at Linfield College has unanimously voted to ban all weapons from campus including “guns, swords, hatchets, axes, throwing stars, nutchucks, and long knives.” Several ROTC cadets were recently spotted training for Iraq with Super Soakers.
Allentown, PENN -- The City Parking Authority has installed a GPS monitoring system to catch drivers who violate time limits by stuffing meters with coins. The system is so precise, it can identify the false limp of a driver using a handicapped space.
New York, NY -- Fearing a potential worldwide shortage of rice, Sam’s Club will limit sales of jasmine, basmati and long grain rice. Wedding planners nationwide are advising clients to substitute sunflower seeds.
Hollywood, CA -- Claiming violation of copyright, Yoko Ono has filed suit against Ben Stein for using the Beatles hit “Imagine” in his anti-evolution documentary. One of the better ways to win Ben Stein’s money… sue his ass.
Manistique, MICH -- Thomas Richardson, 46, was found guilty of first degree murder after his wife, Juanita, 43, plunged to her death from a 140 foot cliff at Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. “Stand a little further back, sweetie, so I can get the mountain in the picture. That’s it… a little further… a little further… a little fur -- oops.”
Eugene, OR -- Michael Rich, 71, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for bilking 300 investors out of $18 million, including $200,000 from his mother. In Mike’s defense, he did write… he did call.
Columbus, OH -- Republican State Representative Joy Padgett has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of American flags made in a foreign country. These family value, evangelical-courting pseudo-patriots just aren’t happy unless they’re wrapped in a flag made in the good ol’ USA.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT…
“Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.”
George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington, DC
For hundreds of idiotic quotes like this, check out:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Topsham, MA -- Ten officials from Local 56 of the Machinists Union were suspended from Bath Iron Works after pornography was found on their computers. In their defense, the porn was business-related, depicting sex acts with various items of the firm’s machinery including lathes, grinders and drill presses.
Waterbury, CT -- Students at Wilby High School who pass advance placement exams will receive cash rewards up to $100. Chicken feed compared to students at Oprah Winfrey High who get a new Buick.
Hopkinton, NH -- The Marklin Candle Company designed and manufactured the five foot tall candle that the Holy Father lit during High Mass at Yankee Stadium. With the familiar Vatican scent of burnt priest pedophile subpoenas.
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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!
Eugene, OR -- Michael Rich, 71, was sentenced to 20 years in prison for bilking 300 investors out of $18 million, including $200,000 from his mother. In Mike’s defense, he did write… he did call.
Columbus, OH -- Republican State Representative Joy Padgett has introduced a bill that would ban the sale of American flags made in a foreign country. These family value, evangelical-courting pseudo-patriots just aren’t happy unless they’re wrapped in a flag made in the good ol’ USA.
________________________________________________
QUOTH THE NITWIT…
“Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.”
George W. Bush 9/24/2001 Washington, DC
For hundreds of idiotic quotes like this, check out:
www.sourcebooks.com
________________________________________________
Topsham, MA -- Ten officials from Local 56 of the Machinists Union were suspended from Bath Iron Works after pornography was found on their computers. In their defense, the porn was business-related, depicting sex acts with various items of the firm’s machinery including lathes, grinders and drill presses.
Waterbury, CT -- Students at Wilby High School who pass advance placement exams will receive cash rewards up to $100. Chicken feed compared to students at Oprah Winfrey High who get a new Buick.
Hopkinton, NH -- The Marklin Candle Company designed and manufactured the five foot tall candle that the Holy Father lit during High Mass at Yankee Stadium. With the familiar Vatican scent of burnt priest pedophile subpoenas.
________________________________________________
[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!
www.laughmakers.blogspot.com __________________________________________
Victorville, CA -- Jim and Kelly Nehmens were convicted of embezzling $20,000 from the Adlanto Little League. Despite their explanation that they were saving up for a boat to import several promising Cuban pitchers.
Anchorage, AK -- The US Fish & Wildlife Service has launched a program to rid Rat Island of the Norway rats who, since arriving by shipwreck in 1988, have all but destroyed the indigenous vegetation and seabirds. They’ll have help from the City of Los Angeles Superior Court which had to eradicate all those lawyers after the OJ trial.
Charlottesville, VA -- Under new rules, officials at the University of Virginia may notify parents if they observe students demonstrating unusual or irrational behavior such as excessive drinking, disrupting classes or attempting to join the Young Republicans.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
Victorville, CA -- Jim and Kelly Nehmens were convicted of embezzling $20,000 from the Adlanto Little League. Despite their explanation that they were saving up for a boat to import several promising Cuban pitchers.
Anchorage, AK -- The US Fish & Wildlife Service has launched a program to rid Rat Island of the Norway rats who, since arriving by shipwreck in 1988, have all but destroyed the indigenous vegetation and seabirds. They’ll have help from the City of Los Angeles Superior Court which had to eradicate all those lawyers after the OJ trial.
Charlottesville, VA -- Under new rules, officials at the University of Virginia may notify parents if they observe students demonstrating unusual or irrational behavior such as excessive drinking, disrupting classes or attempting to join the Young Republicans.
________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org password: independence
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