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MONDAY, March 24, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Between The Cracks
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Seattle, WA -- City fathers are considering a proposal to remove five coin-operated restroom kiosks that critics claim are favorite meeting spots for prostitutes, drug dealers and Larry Craig.


Hartford, CONN -- The descendants of ten women hanged as witches between 1647 and 1697 have petitioned the Legislature to pardon them. One of them is the great great great grandmother of Anne Coulter.

Washington, DC -- A keeper at the National Zoo was clawed by their normally docile panda cub, Tai Shan. Animal behaviorists are trying to determine why the fit hit the Shan.

Miami, FLA -- A judge has annulled the marriage of Alfred Kreisler, 92 and Yvette Penichet, 42. The wedding had taken place the previous weekend at Miami's popular Our Lady of Anna Nicole Smith Wedding Chapel.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"We thought we were protected forever from trade policy or terrorist attacks because oceans protected us."

George W. Bush 11/20/2004 Santiago, Chile
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Monterrey, CA -- A shark tagged in California swam 1200 miles in six weeks, turning up on a beach in Mexico. He averaged 27 miles a day which is easy when you're being stalked by Steven Speilberg for a sequel.

Dover, DEL -- Beginning in 2013, Delaware kindergarteners will be required to study a foreign language. Watching Sesame Street on a regular basis will qualify as a prerequisite.

Wichita, KAN -- Officials at the Mid-Continent Airport withdrew permission for a movie company to film scenes there after the director and several members of the crew disrobed and began dancing naked. Oh, oh. Looks like Mel Gibson is back on the sauce.

Waterville, MA -- The city celebrated "Main Maple Sunday" to launch the state's syrup harvest. The event was hosted by this year's "Miss Buckets 'O' Sweetness," Katie Couric.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Boston, MASS -- Lawmakers rejected the governor's plan to allow gambling casinos to operate in the state. Bowing to strong opposition from the Catholic Archdiocese which argued that wagering should be restricted to church bingo halls where it belongs.

Kalamazoo, MICH -- The Maple Street Magnet School recently banned baggy pants and hooded sweatshirts. The school's principal, who had just come from the golf course, announced the ban while wearing plaid pants held up by a white patent leather belt.

New York Mills, MINN -- Officials of the annual "Great American Think Off"
announced that this year's topic is "Does immigration strengthen or threaten the US?" The winner of the 750 word essay contest will be announced on CNN by Lou Dobbs.

St. Joseph, MO -- The winner of the Regional Spelling Bee, Morgan Brown, was disqualified from the Nationals thanks to a clerical error committed by officials at Platt Junior High. Seems they managed to misspell Missouri.
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Dillon, MONT -- "Outdoor Life Magazine" ranked more Montana sites in their Top Twenty US hunting and fishing areas than any other state. Least desirable hunting states according to the survey are New Jersey, Illinois and any state where Dick Cheney happens to be hunting.

Las Vegas, NV -- Anti war activists picketed the Venetian Hotel/Casino because its owner, Sheldon Adelson, funds "Freedom Watch" which supports the US troop presence in Iraq. It's believed to be the first time picketers wore peace symbols on their nipples.

Egg Harbor Township, NJ -- Animal Welfare officers took 57 rabbits into custody after the elderly man who bred them confessed that he became "overwhelmed." Police theorize that one of them somehow learned how to order Viagra on line.

Detroit, MICH -- Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying about having sexual relations with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. The prosecutor may add an additional charge of impersonating the mayor of San Francisco.
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Las Vegas, NV -- The public has been asked to submit suggestions for naming the city's Triple A baseball team. Entries so far include "The Pit Bosses," "The One Armed Bandits," and "The Green Felt Sox."

Cape Meares, OR -- A tree located here has been declared the state's "Champion Sitka," based on height, circumference and canopy. The panel of judges was made up of a park ranger, a professional arborist, and a dog.

Dallas, TX -- Space memorabilia including patches from Buzz Aldren's flight suit and a moon dust scoop used by Alan Shepard are expected to fetch up to $75,000 at an auction this week. A case of NASA approved astronaut Huggies will be auctioned separately.
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THE LAUGH MAKERS: A Leonard Maltin "Top 20" Year End Pick!

DOLORES HOPE MEDLEY

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BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?


"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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