A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E
Smaller items that may have slipped through the cracks
_______________________________________________Clearfield City, UT -- The city’s new Aquatic Center has an $88,000 ultraviolet sanitation system to guard against waterborne parasites. Just their luck. Now water comes with antibiotics already in it.
Hampton, VA -- NASA’s Langley Research Center is designing a parachute system that will whisk space shuttle crews to safety in the event of a problem on the launch pad. Like, for instance, a jilted lover suddenly attacks her successful rival and -- nah, too farfetched.
St. Paul, MINN -- A bill is moving through the State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport mens rooms where they belong.
West Hollywood, CA -- The Hadaka Japanese Restaurant will serve sushi at private parties on a naked woman for an extra $1500. They also offer the “Spitzer Sampler” for $80,000.
Bozeman, Mont -- Nearly 1100 Yellowstone National Park bison are predicted to die this year due to hunting and disease management. Some home on the range. The home’s in default and the buffalo are being shot.
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[] QUOTH THE NITWIT…
“We ought to make the pie higher.”For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
George W. Bush 2/15/2000 Washington, DC
www.sourcebooks.com
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Carson City, NV -- State environmental chief Leo Drozdoff shut down the Jerritt Canyon gold mine for excessive mercury emissions. And none too soon. The local TV weather man was using its smoke stack as a thermometer.
Pasadena, CA -- The California Institute of Technology Beavers compete in the NCAA’s Division III but have dropped 273 consecutive games since 1985, losing by 39 to 60 points. They do have one positive stat, though: 0 tattoos.
Vero Beach, FLA -- Thirteen of the thirty major league baseball teams now offer fans all-you-can-eat bleacher seats. The LA Dodgers offer a salad bar hosted by Tommy Lasorda.
Key West, FL -- Clinton Curry, 34, won the annual conch shell blowing contest, a tradition since 1800, wowing the judges with his “Musical Tribute to Don Ho.”
Boulder, CO -- Joy Douglas was fined $1000 for dying her poodle pink. What’s worse, she named it “Benadryl.”
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Coral Springs, FLA -- Millionaire money manager Ivan Messer spent $1 million on his cutting edge, state-of-the-art home theater that boasts 16 amplifiers, 14 speakers and a 10 foot screen. But his VCR still flashes 12:00... 12:00... 12:00...
Fairbanks, AL -- Following a three-hour meeting, the City Council voted to fluoridate the city’s water supply despite protests from local citizens. Most of whom are British immigrants.
Triana, ALA -- Sheriffs deputies seized 300 electronic bingo machines and charged their owner with illegal gambling. “You’ll be hearing from the Vatican!” protested Msgr. Paddy O’Callahan, pastor of Our Lady of the Lucky Card Parish.
Macon, MISS -- DNA evidence has exonerated Levon Brooks who has served 18 years on a murder conviction. Levon is lucky. If he was convicted in Texas, he’d have been dead for 17 ½ years.
Danbury, CONN -- A high school student is suing his teacher for injuries caused when she slapped his desk to wake him up. Also, he wants the video game that fell on the floor replaced.
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Lake Forest, ILL -- Drug store heiress Estelle Gonzales Walgreen abandoned her $3.3 million mansion after neighbors complained about the three 200 pound Vietnamese potbellied pigs that lived with her. It wasn’t so much the feeding or the walking, it was the home schooling.
Louisville, KY -- Narcotics officers uncovered the largest methamphetamine lab dumping site in Southwestern Jefferson County. At the intersection of the Rush Limbaugh Expressway and Amy Winehouse Boulevard.
Augusta, MA -- The Maine Maple Producers Association Predicts a 20% to 30% increase in syrup prices this year. Thanks mainly to the sudden demand for Denny’s new “Stack ‘O’ Flaps” $2.99 Breakfast Special.
Marquette, MICH -- A 57-year old state prison inmate, already serving 20 years, was sentenced to life for assaulting a staff nurse who was giving him an exam. He kept telling her his prostate was fine, but she persisted.
Coburg, OR -- Country Coach, manufacturer of high-end RV’s, laid off 8% of its work force citing a 17% decline in sales so far this year. Due mainly to increased gasoline prices, the devalued dollar and FEMA selling trailers below cost.
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Barrington, NH -- Becky Santos of Brownie Troop 74 reported to the Girl Scouts Swift Water Council in Bedford that cookie sales outside Wal Mart are down 300 boxes from the 500 sold last year. Seems the usual purchase by Bear Sterns didn’t come through as expected.
Pierre, SD -- A new law prohibits the transmission of ominous or annoying text messages. With one exemption, of course: cell phone bills.
Chehalis, WA -- Don Lynch, 55, is charged with assaulting a 75 year old Wal Mart greeter. Clobbered him with a poker from the barbecue grill display in Garden & Patio.
Santa Fe, NM -- Metropolitan Court Judge J. Wayne Griego was removed from the bench after he was caught fixing 24 traffic citations. All issued last summer to Britney Spears during a vacation in Taos.
Walhalla, SC -- Jennifer Adams, former aide to Republican Senator Lindsay Graham, was indicted for stealing $215,000 from his campaign coffers. No surprise. He’s one of those GOP hacks who’s lost trillions to crooked Iraq war contractors.
Olympia, WA -- The School Board will allow cafeterias to purchase locally grown, though more costly, produce. Mostly barley and hops.
(The next post will be Friday, March 21, 2008)
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