FRIDAY, March 14, 2008

BUTTERFIELD 8... Unheeded danger signs that the governor was hooker-hooked:

1] Paid for Heidi Fleiss’ Bat Mitzvah
2] Convinced wife he spent $80,000 on lottery tickets
3] Favorite movie: : “Irma Le Douche”
4] Screamed during nightmares: “You’re WHAT-teen?”
5] Hourly rooms at Mayflower called “Spitzer Suites.”

CHEEK TO CHEEK… Larry Craig has petitioned the Minnesota Court of Appeals to allow him to withdraw his plea of guilty to charges that he solicited an undercover police officer for gay sex in an airport men’s room. He now claims he was tapping his feet while rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.”

WATERBOARDED… The top US commander in the Middle East, Adm. William Fallon, resigned after an Esquire Magazine profile characterized him as “… brazenly challenging the Bush administration on Iran.” Bush immediately denied the White House had engineered the departure, but he would have been more convincing if he hadn’t added “Besides, I’ve been too busy lately overseeing Jenna’s wedding.”

“This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed.”

George W. Bush 11/6/2003 Washington, D.C.

OSCAR DE LA FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT… Barack Obama fired Samantha Power, his foreign policy advisor, after she called Hillary Clinton “a monster” during an interview for a Scottish newspaper. Not quite that bad. What she actually said was that those pant suits make her butt look like a “monster garage.”

TIT FOR TAT… The child seen asleep in her bed during Hillary Clinton’s three a.m. phone call commercial turns out to be Casey Knowles, now 17, who is an Obama campaign worker. Obama’s aides denied that the sleeping child in his commercial is Monica Lewinsky.

GERRY KIDS… Geraldine Ferraro told Fox News she’s sorry if people considered her racist for saying that Obama “… wouldn’t be where he is today if he were white.” She’s also sorry that no one ever considered her bright enough to be vice president.

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QUEEN FOR A DAY… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has proposed a “pledge of allegiance” to Queen Elizabeth II as well as a public holiday celebrating the country’s “Britishness.” If adopted, the new pledge would replace the time honored practice in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland of saluting the Monarchy with a single finger thrust smartly upward several times in succession.

INVASION DISPENSATION… The Catholic Archdiocese in Washington, DC is appealing to the faithful to help raise $3 million needed to cover expenses of Pope Benedict XVI’s visit in April. Most of the funds are expected to go toward the increased security at the White House the day he pardons Bush, Cheney and Rice.

THOU SHALT NOT… The Vatican has released a list of new sins inherent in today’s secular society that include genetic experimentation, contributing to the earth’s pollution, use of mind-altering drugs and the accumulation of obscene wealth except, of course, when it’s used to pay criminal defense lawyers to keep clergy out of the joint.

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ON STAR… The conservative American Family Association ended its 2-year boycott of Ford for donating to groups that advocate same sex marriage. The clincher was Ford’s new satellite GPS heterosexual identifier that automatically locks out anyone the system deems “suspect.”

RINGS OF MASS DESTRUCTION… The Chinese government has uncovered what they believe to be a terrorist plot to sabotage the Summer Olympics headed by the East Turkestan Islamist Movement (ETIM), believed to be linked to al Qaeda and the Taliban. Beijing security officers discovered javelins equipped with heat-seeking warheads, starters’ pistols with real bullets, and shot putt balls with IEC’s (improvised explosive centers).

TOME TORCHERS… Bowing to numerous complaints, the Public Library Board in Nampa, Idaho has removed two books from their shelves: “The New Joy of Sex” and “The Joy of Gay Sex.” Replacing them with “Mein Kampf” and “Mein Kampf (Large Print Version).”

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