ANYBODY HERE FROM DC?… In a full-press TV studio assault, Hillary made a cameo appearance on “Saturday Night Live” followed by a drop in on “The Daily Show.” Her delegate numbers may be in the tank, but she's now the front-runner to win “Last Comic Standing.”
KISS THE CHEF... On the eve of the Ohio and Texas primaries, McCain hosted an outdoor barbecue at his Arizona ranch for members of his press detail. . Expertly wielding tongs, fork and basting brush with equal aplomb, he dazzled them at the controls of his 12-burner Charm-Glow preparing his famous baby back ribs, using a secret Mastodon recipe handed down from his maternal grandfather, OG McCain.
NEW MATH… McCain is still getting plenty of flack for predicting that the US may be in Iraq another hundred years. But in all fairness, you have to remember that at his age a hundred years doesn't seem all that long.
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Quoth the nitwit:
“But I also made it clear to Putin that it’s important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe.”________________________________________________
George W. Bush 5/1/2001 Washington DC
REGULAR GUY… Reprising the Broadway hit based on Lorraine Hansberry’s play, ABC is preparing a small screen version of “A Raisin in the Sun.” But be careful you don't confuse it with the similarly titled McCain campaign documentary “Prunes on the Straight Talk Express.”
P.S. I LOVE YOU… A study published in the journal Science found that freshly fallen snow contains large amounts of Pseudomonas syringae bacteria that could be harmful to children who eat it. A hidden danger so eloquently expressed by Chet Atkins in the song he dedicated to his ex wife, “I Still Write Your Name in the Snow.”
TANGLED WEB WEAVING… The sister of author Peggy Selzer tipped off her publisher that her just-released memoir “Love and Consequences,” which claimed she was raised in a black foster home and followed her brothers into a South Central Los Angeles gang, was totally fabricated. Well, that probably puts the kibosh on her planned sequel about befriending Howard Hughes.
SKIPPY, JIF & PETER PAN… March is “National Peanut Butter Month.” Which explains why it often sticks to the roof of April.
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FERRELL NO FARRELLY… Will Ferrell’s R rated “Semi Pro” scored a measly $15.1 million in its opening weekend, less than half of the gross New Line Cinema expected, based on his previous hits “Ron Burgundy” and “Blades of Glory.” They’re seriously considering a change in title to “Promising Amateur.”
THE LOST CHORD… Anthropologist Caroline Wilkinson of Scotland’s University of Dundee used state-of-the-art computer modeling to recreate the large head, strong jaw and slight overbite of Johann Sabastian Bach who sat for only one known portrait during his life. Dr. Wilkinson is using the project as a warm-up for a challenge most of her colleagues believe she won’t be able to pull off… determining what Joan Rivers used to look like.
CAFFEINE WAR… Lobbing a canon ball across the bow of Starbucks, 7-Eleven now offers a coffee-flavored Slurpee they call the “Slurppuccino.” Not to be confused with their Chianti-flavored Slurpee they call the “Alpacino.”
SPREAD THE ROSE PEDALS… Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visited Baghdad without the ultra-tight security with which Bush and his henchmen must be surrounded whenever they show up, told the cheering Iraqi's “The presence of foreigners... is nothing but a humiliation to the regional nations.” Dick Cheney is reported to be ecstatic that his prediction about being “welcomed as liberators” turned out to be dead on – he just had the wrong country.
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SELF EVIDENT TRUTHS… Archivists at the University of Rochester have discovered letters signed by Abraham Lincoln in which he suggests that the money being spent on the Civil War, then $58 million per month, be better spent purchasing all the slaves in the US for $173,048,800 -- $400 each. Which, shamefully, is the lowest value ever placed on slaves – if you don't count Wal-Mart.
FATTENGETTEN... A study by sports physicians at the University of Cologne found that 40% of German soldiers are overweight and unfit. In their defense, though, they have few role models to emulate and those they do have look like Sgt. Schulz on “Hogan’s Heroes.”
MASS APPEAL… The list of Vatican-approved souvenirs to be sold during the pope’s visit to the US in April includes the usual rosary beads, holy cards, scapulas, crucifix key chains, hats and coffee mugs as well as a stuffed “Benny Bear” wearing a t-shirt with “Christ Our Hope” printed on the front. Among the products not allowed to display the Vatican logo are autographed replicas of electronic ankle bracelets worn by priests indicted as child molesters.
ARE YOU, LIKE, A BIRD?... Heirs of the late Conway Twitty have filed suit against Sony/ATV Music to recover a share of the country artist’s royalties they believe they’re entitled to. To compensate the, if only partially, for having to go through life with a name like “Twitty.”
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