FRIDAY, April 4, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Washington, DC -- The Homeland Security Department will bypass environmental management laws to complete a 670 mile stretch of fence along the Mexican border of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. Won't work. Jobless Americans who have lost their home to foreclosure will find some way to escape.

Atlanta, GA -- Former pro wrestler Harrison "Hard Body" Norris was sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of conducting a prostitution ring under guise of a female wrestlers training camp. He'd have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't named it after Eliot Spitzer.

Baltimore, MD -- The state court commissioner has launched a contest to replace the title "Master" for Juvenile Court judges serving a predominantly black population. Suggestions rejected so far include "Your Supreme Honkyness" "You da Man" and "King Fish."

Minneapolis, MINN -- Despite a 15-year old law against it, 85% of the state's outdated telephone books are tossed into the trash and end up in land fills. One suggestion is to donate the books to Third World countries for short people to sit on while playing the piano.

Cleveland, OH -- The developer of a $600 million casino has hired Vicki Lawrence and Jamie Farr to promote the idea to voters. If successful, they'll be joined by even bigger stars like Andrew Dice Clay, Abe Vogoda and Sinbad.

Oklahoma City, OKLA -- College presidents have appealed to legislators to kill a bill that would allow college students to carry concealed weapons. The bill is sponsored by Delta Sigma Smith & Wessen.

Westchester, NY -- Father Patrick Dunne was relieved of his duties by Monsignor William Buford after he was discovered feeding his gambling habit from the collection plate of Our Lady of Sorrows Parish -- known, until the amount stolen was counted, as Our Lady of Perpetual Joy.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."

George W. Bush 4/3/2000 US News & World Report

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Arlington, VA -- The TSA is experimenting with a less stressful environment in which to search boarding passengers that will include soothing music, soft lights and restful colors. It may even offer a foot massage during shoe inspection.

Minden, NV -- Michael King, 21, pleaded guilty to a charge of indecent exposure after he streaked past performing cheerleaders at a Douglas High football team. The cheerleaders asked the prosecutor to include a charge of assault with a dead weapon.

New York, NY -- Among gifts that will be presented to Pope Benedict XVI during his upcoming visit will be a specially-equipped papal skateboard. Designed to skate on water?

Isle of Palms, SC -- Beach goers will face a $500 fine for failure to destroy any sand castles they build. And they're also not allowed to wear rose-colored glasses while doing it.

London, GB -- Heathrow Airport's $8.6 billion Terminal 5 has become a travelers' nightmare since its debut last week, piling up 15,000 misguided bags. In the US, that's called "The View."

Washington, DC -- The Supreme Court has agreed to rule on whether a 39-year old religion called "Summum" may be allowed to place their "Seven Aphorisms" beside the Ten Commandments in a Utah public park. The Seven Aphorisms should not be confused with the Pentagon's "Seven Euphemisms for "killed in action."

St. Louis, MO -- A deed signed by Lewis & Clark to transfer land to a fur trader in 1809 is expected to bring more than $80,000 at auction. Not to be confused with a similar auction item, a backstage pass signed in 1959 by Jerry Lee Lewis and The Dave Clark Five to pick up groupies.

Latrobe, PENN -- St. Vincent College has hired Michael King to head its Fred Rogers Center For Early Learning. Afterwards, King, dressed in a buttoned cardigan, told reporters, "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood."

New York, NY -- Faced with a recruiting slump, the Girl Scouts of America have hired former ad agency executive Laurel Richie to fashion an image makeover for the 96-year old organization. So far she's redesigned their cookie box and made the merit badges look more like Oscars, Emmys, and Tonys.
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Provo, UT -- A study conducted at Brigham Young University found that aerosol sprays are more effective at repelling bears than a firearm. They cautioned against using Silly String, though, as it tends to induce play.

New York, NY -- A Nielsen Company survey of consumers in 48 countries found that Gucci is the world's most desired luxury brand with Chanel and Calvin Klein closely following. Most desired Chinese knockoffs are Rolex, Cartier and Nike.

Hammond, NJ -- The popular John Dillinger Museum has reopened despite protests by Dillinger's nephew who claims it demeans the family name. Admission is $10 for adults and $5 for children and seniors -- free if you decide to shoot your way in.

Phoenix,AZ -- Anthrapoligists at the University of Arizona report the discovery of a gold and tourquoise necklace in southern Peru that they believe is the earliest example of jewelry ever found. It was draped around the neck bones of what they believe is the earliest fossil of a rapper ever found.

Santo, TX -- "Bayou Bob" Popplewell was charged with illegal alcohol sales after he stuffed baby rattlesnakes into bottles of vodka and marketed the mixture as "an ancient Asian elixir. Not clear what it cured, but it gave drinkers an uncontrollable desire to sun themselves on a rock.

Dallas, TX -- Mandy Hamlin, 37, claims she was forced by airport TSA checkers to remove her nipple ring with pliers before being allowed to board her plane at the Dallas Airport. Inspectors weren't interested in the ring so much as the pocket watch attached to it.

Los Angeles, CA -- Daniel Carlock, Jr. has filed a $4 million suit against Ocean Adventures for abandoning him underwater off of Catalina during a sports diving expedition. The captain of Sun Dial Charters claims he had to reposition the boat to improve satellite reception of "Oprah."

Winter Park, FL -- Jack Aldrich, 46, director of Musical Ministries at First United Methodist Church, was relieved of his duties after soliciting sex on line from a 15 year old. He told police he was just attempting to fill a vacancy in the soprano section.

Hilo, HI -- The Kilauea Volcano releases 2000 tons of toxic gas from its main crater every day. No, wait... I'm sorry... that's Rush Limbaugh.

Shreveport, LA -- Danielle King, 44, accountant for the Captain Shreve High School Booster Club, is accused of embezzling $50,000. Officials became suspicious when she charged the school $24,677 for batons.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Augusta, MA -- A bill currently moving through the legislature would levy a $50 fine for anyone caught smoking in a vehicle with children under 16 present. Debate still rages over whether motorcycles should be exempt.

Boston, MASS -- The Boston Ballet Company is leaving the 3600 seat Wong Theater after 30 years. Seems the landlord refused to authorize "The Nutcracker" scheduled for next season. They're still a little gun shy over public reaction to last season's "The Vagina Monologues In Dance."

Binghampton, NY -- Water & Power officials declined to allow Ron Bongna to pay a disputed water bill with a $2509.66 check written on a strip of toilet tissue. The check probably would have cleared if Ron hadn't printed "Bank of Larry Craig' across the top.

Garden City, NY -- Historian Edward Renehan, 67, former director of the Theodore Roosevelt Association was charged with grand larceny for attempting to auction a letter written by Teddy after he left office. In the letter, he warns visitors to New York to "walk softly and carry a big stick in Central Park at night."

Fargo, ND -- James Smith, 25, charged with disrupting an airline flight by forcing the pilot to make an unscheduled landing, claims he charged the cockpit while under the influence of smoking cessation pills. Authorities suspect it may have been the six margaritas he washed them down with.

Ashland, KY -- Kasey Kazee, 25, held up Shamrock Liquors disguised as a guy with his head wrapped in duct tape. Police were able to follow a trail of blood which led to his apartment. Seems Kasey cut the eye holes AFTER taping over his face.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"This case has the full analyzation and has been looked at a lot."

George W. Bush 6/23/2000 Seattle, WA

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Tampa, FL -- Etni Ortiz, 30, held up a Bank of America branch, handing the teller a demand note written on the back of his employment resume. On a happier note, the bank wants to interview him as soon as he's out of prison.

Oroville, CA -- Ann Linscott, 48, placed an ad on Craig's List seeking applicants interested in "freelance work." She offered those who responded $5000 to "irradicate" the wife of her boyfriend she met on line. She was immediately arrested and charged with solicitation of murder and failure to pay withholding taxes on the freelance employees.

Joplin, MO -- When motorist David Fletcher, 42, was pulled over by Missouri State Trooper John Mason for a minor traffic violation, he handed the officer five ID's, each with different photos and birth dates. Mason booked him five times, just to make sure he got the right guy.

Austin, TX -- The South by Southwest Music Festival has gotten underway with hundreds of rock bands attending seminars to learn out how to profit from free internet downloads of their songs. No workshops, however, on what to do when the guy in the car next to you at the stop light is playing that crap loud enough to wake Jimmy Hoffa.

New York, NY -- To attract younger diners, Burger King will introduce new "Whopper Bars," kiosk type outlets featuring variations of the classic Whooper including "The Angry Whooper" (spicy onions and relish), "The Texas Whooper" (bacon and jalepenos), and "The Rodeo Whooper" (onion rings, barbecue sauce). Expected in the spring, "The Cardio Whooper" (defibrillator, angiogram).

Portland, OR -- Evangelicals are anxiously awaiting the court's interpretation of a new state law that disallows "faith-based healing" as practiced by members of the 100 year old Christ Church who rely on "prayer and application of holy oils" to cure illnesses. A typical prescription would be: "Read two psalms and call me in the morning."
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San Diego, CA -- While campaigning for a seat on the City Council, John Hartley, 65, was arrested for exposing himself to two females in the upscale Kensington subdivision. But to John's political credit, he has released his tax returns.

Stanford, CA -- The Association for Recorded Sound has announced the discovery of the earliest known recording of a song, an eight second rendition of "Clair de Lune" recorded in 1860. Heather Mills has already petitioned the court for a piece of the profits.

Muncie, IND -- William Brown, 32, topped off a night of pub hopping with buddies by crawling into a dipsy dumpster. He was discovered by Larry Green, driver for Rumpske Waste Disposal seconds before he compacted his load. Drivers are required to check for bodies under Indiana's Jimmy Hoffa Law.
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Arlington, VA -- The Pentagon mistakenly sent four Patriot Missile tips to Taiwan instead of the helicopter batteries that were ordered. It's unknown whether the technology was copied, but within 12 hours, vendors on the streets of Manhattan were hawking Patriot Missile tip knockoffs with "Gucci" stamped on the side.

Sacramento, CA -- The state Legislature rejected a proposal to grant handicapped parking permits to pregnant women. They decided it would be too much of a temptation to the Kirstie Alleys of the world to cheat.

Washington, DC -- Fulfilling a tradition skipped by his two incompetent predecessors, Attorney General Michael Mukasey argued a case before the Supreme Court. Afterwards, he told reporters that he finally knows the meaning of torture after watching Clarence Thomas trying to pretend he understood what was going on.

Honolulu, HI -- The state of Hawaii will ship 100,000 tons of waste to the Pacific Northwest by barge. Budget-conscious Americans are already making reservations to vacation on it.

Charlotte, NC -- Passengers were terrified when a US Airways pilot discharged a loaded pistol during his final approach. The mystery was solved after airline officials identified the guy as a retired Air Force colonel who used to fly Dick Cheney around on Air Force II.

Washington, DC -- At the mass conducted by Pope Benedict during his upcoming visit, four choirs will provide the music in ten languages including Latin, French, Spanish, Zulu and the Vatican's official language, Mumbo-Jumbo.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

George W. Bush 10/18/2000 LaCrosse, WIS
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Charlotte, NC -- A new study shows that developers have desimated 100 acres of land daily for the past thirty years. But it'll all be worth it when the new units become available at "Parrot Shores," an exact replica of the formerly dense rain forests of Brazil.

Pittsfield, MASS -- General Electric will dredge pollutants dumped by one of its plants into the Housatonk River. No solution in sight yet for the mental pollution one of its subsidiaries, NBC, has dumped over the same period.

Muncie, IND -- Delaware County Sherriff's Deputy Herbert Holding, Jr. was fired after being caught sleeping in his patrol car while on duty. Herb blamed those new strawberry & valium sprinkles over at the 'Nut Hut.

Carson City, NV -- Prison chaplan Jane Foraker Thompson was placed on paid leave after the warden accused her of unreasonably defending inmates' religious practices. Seems she set aside the south boundary of the exercise yard as a wailing wall for cons of the Jewish faith.

Hollywood, CA -- Pamela Anderson's marriage was terminated after her husband of four months petitioned the court for an annulment. He testified that she swore she was a virgin, but during their honeymoon, he noticed she had guys' names tattooed inside her... no time to go into it here, but it's all in the court transcript.