Eastpointe, MICH -- Someone stole a $3000, six-foot costume shaped like a pint of Guinness stout from a beer distributor who used it for promotion. Police immediately set up roadblocks since in Eastpointe, it’s considered a DUI to drive while dressed as a beer.
Midwest City, OKLA -- A Marine reservist will not be prosecuted for assaulting an anti-war protester whom he spotted stuffing an American flag in her pants. Worse, the flag was wrapped around a Republican politician.
Honolulu, HI -- People camping in the city’s Iweli District have been given 24 hours to pack up and leave. Five-O officers are unsure if the area is a camp for the homeless or just an extended luau.
Ormond Beach, FLA -- A thief made off with police chief Michael Longfellow’s gun, bullet proof vest and handcuffs that he left in his car. At least that’s what he told the mayor who spotted him replacing the cuffs at the Chez Paree Sex Shop on Key Largo Street.
Lewisburg, WV -- The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization will begin a search for Sasquach in the Greenbrier River area. Using methods they developed searching for Dick Cheney.
 QUOTH THE NITWIT…
“After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week -- we will have an all-volunteer army!”
George W. Bush 12/16/2004 Daytona Beach, FL
 For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
Raleigh, NC -- A new daytime lottery called “Carolina Pick 3” will begin on April 1. Just what they needed. Now poor people can squander what little money they have 24/7.
Charlottesville, VA -- Army recruiters will send a video of their famed “Golden Knights” parachute team to all incoming freshmen at the University of Virginia. Good idea. It will inspire them to study hard, become politically aware, and steer clear of Bush‘s quagmire in Iraq.
Virginia City, NV -- Members of the local historical reenactment group who perform for tourists must not carry loaded weapons or consume alcoholic beverages during shows. Except, of course, the guy playing Ulysses S. Grant.
Salt Lake City, UT -- David Wilson, 25, is charged with biting his 68 year old grandmother while they were watching “Silence of the Lambs.” Wilson’s lawyer blames too much Chianti with his fava beans.
Las Vegas, NV -- Israeli billionaire Yitzhak Tshuva has gotten the green light to build a $6 billion casino on the Strip. “Moses Palace” will include a hotel, a showroom and a wailing wall for the losers.
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Bismarck, ND -- Oil companies are making plans to extract oil and gas from under Lake Sakakawea using a horizontal drill. Or, as they say in There Will be Blood, “stealing the lake’s milkshake.”
Corsicana, TX -- Sheriff’s deputies charged over 200 people with gambling at a clandestine cockfighting arena that featured bleacher seating, overhead lighting and a concession stand that offered hot wings from some of the losers.
Talent, ORE -- Three teenagers were treated at a local hospital for hemlock poisoning. Needless to say, the Talent High School production of McBeth has been cancelled.
Long Island, NY -- A fire captain was convicted of DUI after he drove his fire engine into a utility pole following a parade. On a brighter note, he saved a cat stuck on the pole.
Ringe, NH -- Fifteen 80-foot pine trees were destroyed in a snow storm that slammed into the Altar of the Nations at the Cathedral of the Pines. Renamed the Cathedral of the Stumps.
Boston, MASS -- The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum has posted a $5 million reward for return of paintings by Rembrandt, Vermeer, Degas and Monet stolen in 1990. Museum official waited eighteen years to be sure the art works would retain their value.
Babbitt, MINN -- Tana’s Bar staged a “theater night” to get around the smoking ban by evoking the exemption that allows smoking during stage performances. The ploy didn’t work, but it got better reviews than the little theater’s revival of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”