;

MONDAY, March 10, 2008

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A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks
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POCHANTAS, ARK. -- Saint Paul the Apostle Church has petitioned the state to reduce the one cent tax on Bingo cards… A couple of mills, maybe, but a penny is over the top!

SOUTHFIELD, MICH. -- A veteran mail carrier was charged with hoarding 16,000 pieces of mail since 2000... If they can get those puppies delivered in the next three weeks, who’ll notice?

KALISPELL, MT. -- A 23-year old baby sitter was charged with negligence for allowing an 18-month old toddler to play with a loaded 9mm revolver… And you thought those toys from China had a high lead content.

FARGO, N.D. -- Music teacher Mavis Tojn is seeking reinstatement after being fired for violating the school district’s policy against corporal punishment… Good luck. She hit the kid with a tuba.

RALEIGH, N.C. -- 81-year old Willie Parker was captured and charged with a Maryland prison escape in 1942... Still wearing his orange jump suit.

TRENTON, N.J. -- The state will require student athletes 12 and older to submit to random steroid testing… Good news for Roger Clemens’ son who’s 11.

LAS VEGAS, NV. -- Several surgical centers and outpatient clinics were discovered reusing syringes and not sterilizing instruments… The low budget outfits bought most of their medical supplies from beachcombers.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA. -- The body of a 33-year old woman was found in an upscale hotel packed in dry ice. Sometimes waiting for room service can make you look like you’re frozen.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO. -- State legislators outlawed a machine that allows bar patrons to inhale alcohol fumes to avoid hangovers and cirrhosis of the liver… It would have been marketed under the brand name the “David Hasselhoff 500.”
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Quoth the Nitwit:

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.”

George W. Bush 7/3/2003 Rome


For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. -- US Senate candidate Al Franken was fined $25,000 for failure to carry workman’s compensation insurance on members of his staff… Not Al’s fault. Wesley Snipes told him he didn’t have to.

GREENWICH, CT. -- Royal Caribbean paid the widow of a man who disappeared without a trace during a 2005 cruise a million dollars… Out of which she’ll have to pay his bar bill, gratuities and port charges.

GRIFFIN, GA. -- A former high ranking Sheriff’s deputy shot his wife accidentally while unloading his gun… Three times.

STANTON, KY. -- State trooper Jerry Perkins was treated at a local hospital after being exposed to fumes from a methamphetamine lab… Before he was released, he wrote three hit rock ‘n’ roll songs.

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- The legislature is considering a bill to make indigo the state’s official color… Barely beating out puce and mauve.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT. -- Craig Jessop, Mormon Tabernacle Choir music director, resigned… Apparently for health reasons. He told his psychiatrist he kept hearing voices.

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A disbarred lawyer who enjoyed gambling is suing casinos for allowing her to sit at a blackjack table for five days and nights without sleep... Well-rested lawyers are bad enough, but can you imagine trying to reason with a tired one?

BARTOW, FL. -- Residents are demanding state help in eradicating the burgeoning vulture population. Stop attracting so many elderly retirees would probably be a good start.

PHOENIX, AZ. -- Police on university campuses are arming officers with army-style assault rifles “to enable them to shoot accurately down long hallways.” Yes sir, never can tell when one of those hallway monitors will snap.
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DALLAS, TX. -- Barry Cooper, a former narcotics officer who produced a DVD showing how to cultivate, process and sell marijuana without getting caught is running for Congress… After which he’ll produce a CD on how to run for Congress and not remember a minute of it.

PENDLETON, IND. -- Inmates at a local prison have been contracted to repair transmissions on used postal vehicles… The Post Office has been asked not to leave any empty mail sacks in them.

COLUMBIA, MO. -- The nightclub where the Missouri basketball team’s leading scorer Stefhon Hannah suffered a broken jaw in a scuffle has closed… The newly remodeled “Cold Cock Lounge” wasn’t doing all that well anyway.

WYOMING. DEL. -- A Wal-Mart surveillance video caught State Trooper Hyunjin Kim buying items he later left at the scene of a poker game robbery he staged at a local country club‘s card room… Unfortunately, he decided to bring his own chips and dip.

CATTLETTSBURG, KY. -- Gerald Rocchi, 32, held up an ice cream parlor and a Wendy’s using a staple gun… After warning bystanders to remain still or he’d bind their hands with a chain of paper clips.

LANSING, MICH. -- Goats were taken off the Agriculture Department‘s “low risk” list after one of them tested positive for Scrapie, a fatal and contagious disease found in goats and sheep. As a precaution, local farmers are being advised to be tested for STD’s.

RUTLAND, VT. -- Mayor Christopher Louras has cut back overtime for snow plow operators because there’s only $3800 left in the overtime plowing budget. Serves him right. He shouldn’t have dipped into it for last summer’s mosquito spraying.

NASHVILLE, TN. -- A federal jury awarded $9100 to compensate a family whose dog was shot by a cop during a routine traffic stop. According to witnesses, the dog was wagging his tail and did not appear to be a threat… But from the cop’s line of vision, maybe the Chihuahua’s tail was hard to see.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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