POCHANTAS, ARK. -- Saint Paul the Apostle Church has petitioned the state to reduce the one cent tax on Bingo cards… A couple of mills, maybe, but a penny is over the top!
SOUTHFIELD, MICH. -- A veteran mail carrier was charged with hoarding 16,000 pieces of mail since 2000... If they can get those puppies delivered in the next three weeks, who’ll notice?
KALISPELL, MT. -- A 23-year old baby sitter was charged with negligence for allowing an 18-month old toddler to play with a loaded 9mm revolver… And you thought those toys from China had a high lead content.
FARGO, N.D. -- Music teacher Mavis Tojn is seeking reinstatement after being fired for violating the school district’s policy against corporal punishment… Good luck. She hit the kid with a tuba.
RALEIGH, N.C. -- 81-year old Willie Parker was captured and charged with a Maryland prison escape in 1942... Still wearing his orange jump suit.
TRENTON, N.J. -- The state will require student athletes 12 and older to submit to random steroid testing… Good news for Roger Clemens’ son who’s 11.
LAS VEGAS, NV. -- Several surgical centers and outpatient clinics were discovered reusing syringes and not sterilizing instruments… The low budget outfits bought most of their medical supplies from beachcombers.
NEWPORT BEACH, CA. -- The body of a 33-year old woman was found in an upscale hotel packed in dry ice. Sometimes waiting for room service can make you look like you’re frozen.
JEFFERSON CITY, MO. -- State legislators outlawed a machine that allows bar patrons to inhale alcohol fumes to avoid hangovers and cirrhosis of the liver… It would have been marketed under the brand name the “David Hasselhoff 500.”
Quoth the Nitwit:
“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.”
George W. Bush 7/3/2003 Rome
For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. -- US Senate candidate Al Franken was fined $25,000 for failure to carry workman’s compensation insurance on members of his staff… Not Al’s fault. Wesley Snipes told him he didn’t have to.
GREENWICH, CT. -- Royal Caribbean paid the widow of a man who disappeared without a trace during a 2005 cruise a million dollars… Out of which she’ll have to pay his bar bill, gratuities and port charges.
GRIFFIN, GA. -- A former high ranking Sheriff’s deputy shot his wife accidentally while unloading his gun… Three times.
STANTON, KY. -- State trooper Jerry Perkins was treated at a local hospital after being exposed to fumes from a methamphetamine lab… Before he was released, he wrote three hit rock ‘n’ roll songs.
COLUMBIA, S.C. -- The legislature is considering a bill to make indigo the state’s official color… Barely beating out puce and mauve.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT. -- Craig Jessop, Mormon Tabernacle Choir music director, resigned… Apparently for health reasons. He told his psychiatrist he kept hearing voices.
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A disbarred lawyer who enjoyed gambling is suing casinos for allowing her to sit at a blackjack table for five days and nights without sleep... Well-rested lawyers are bad enough, but can you imagine trying to reason with a tired one?
BARTOW, FL. -- Residents are demanding state help in eradicating the burgeoning vulture population. Stop attracting so many elderly retirees would probably be a good start.
PHOENIX, AZ. -- Police on university campuses are arming officers with army-style assault rifles “to enable them to shoot accurately down long hallways.” Yes sir, never can tell when one of those hallway monitors will snap.
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DALLAS, TX. -- Barry Cooper, a former narcotics officer who produced a DVD showing how to cultivate, process and sell marijuana without getting caught is running for Congress… After which he’ll produce a CD on how to run for Congress and not remember a minute of it.
PENDLETON, IND. -- Inmates at a local prison have been contracted to repair transmissions on used postal vehicles… The Post Office has been asked not to leave any empty mail sacks in them.
COLUMBIA, MO. -- The nightclub where the Missouri basketball team’s leading scorer Stefhon Hannah suffered a broken jaw in a scuffle has closed… The newly remodeled “Cold Cock Lounge” wasn’t doing all that well anyway.
WYOMING. DEL. -- A Wal-Mart surveillance video caught State Trooper Hyunjin Kim buying items he later left at the scene of a poker game robbery he staged at a local country club‘s card room… Unfortunately, he decided to bring his own chips and dip.
CATTLETTSBURG, KY. -- Gerald Rocchi, 32, held up an ice cream parlor and a Wendy’s using a staple gun… After warning bystanders to remain still or he’d bind their hands with a chain of paper clips.
LANSING, MICH. -- Goats were taken off the Agriculture Department‘s “low risk” list after one of them tested positive for Scrapie, a fatal and contagious disease found in goats and sheep. As a precaution, local farmers are being advised to be tested for STD’s.
RUTLAND, VT. -- Mayor Christopher Louras has cut back overtime for snow plow operators because there’s only $3800 left in the overtime plowing budget. Serves him right. He shouldn’t have dipped into it for last summer’s mosquito spraying.
NASHVILLE, TN. -- A federal jury awarded $9100 to compensate a family whose dog was shot by a cop during a routine traffic stop. According to witnesses, the dog was wagging his tail and did not appear to be a threat… But from the cop’s line of vision, maybe the Chihuahua’s tail was hard to see.
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