FRIDAY, April 4, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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[] FREE E-BOOK! Excerpts from Bob's new book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope" are now available FREE on line. This month's installment is entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China" and recounts the comedian's history-making visit to China in July 1979, the first American entertainer allowed to tape a special in the Peoples Republic after Nixon restored diplomatic relations in 1974. In light of the Olympics and Tibet currently in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have taken place in China over the past 30 years. Of course, there are plenty of laughs, too, so you won't want to miss these backstage stories and anecdotes. It's a great read!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com
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Washington, DC -- The Homeland Security Department will bypass environmental management laws to complete a 670 mile stretch of fence along the Mexican border of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. Won't work. Jobless Americans who have lost their home to foreclosure will find some way to escape.

Atlanta, GA -- Former pro wrestler Harrison "Hard Body" Norris was sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of conducting a prostitution ring under guise of a female wrestlers training camp. He'd have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't named it after Eliot Spitzer.

Baltimore, MD -- The state court commissioner has launched a contest to replace the title "Master" for Juvenile Court judges serving a predominantly black population. Suggestions rejected so far include "Your Supreme Honkyness" "You da Man" and "King Fish."

Minneapolis, MINN -- Despite a 15-year old law against it, 85% of the state's outdated telephone books are tossed into the trash and end up in land fills. One suggestion is to donate the books to Third World countries for short people to sit on while playing the piano.

Cleveland, OH -- The developer of a $600 million casino has hired Vicki Lawrence and Jamie Farr to promote the idea to voters. If successful, they'll be joined by even bigger stars like Andrew Dice Clay, Abe Vogoda and Sinbad.

Oklahoma City, OKLA -- College presidents have appealed to legislators to kill a bill that would allow college students to carry concealed weapons. The bill is sponsored by Delta Sigma Smith & Wessen.

Westchester, NY -- Father Patrick Dunne was relieved of his duties by Monsignor William Buford after he was discovered feeding his gambling habit from the collection plate of Our Lady of Sorrows Parish -- known, until the amount stolen was counted, as Our Lady of Perpetual Joy.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."

George W. Bush 4/3/2000 US News & World Report

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Arlington, VA -- The TSA is experimenting with a less stressful environment in which to search boarding passengers that will include soothing music, soft lights and restful colors. It may even offer a foot massage during shoe inspection.

Minden, NV -- Michael King, 21, pleaded guilty to a charge of indecent exposure after he streaked past performing cheerleaders at a Douglas High football team. The cheerleaders asked the prosecutor to include a charge of assault with a dead weapon.

New York, NY -- Among gifts that will be presented to Pope Benedict XVI during his upcoming visit will be a specially-equipped papal skateboard. Designed to skate on water?

Isle of Palms, SC -- Beach goers will face a $500 fine for failure to destroy any sand castles they build. And they're also not allowed to wear rose-colored glasses while doing it.

London, GB -- Heathrow Airport's $8.6 billion Terminal 5 has become a travelers' nightmare since its debut last week, piling up 15,000 misguided bags. In the US, that's called "The View."

Washington, DC -- The Supreme Court has agreed to rule on whether a 39-year old religion called "Summum" may be allowed to place their "Seven Aphorisms" beside the Ten Commandments in a Utah public park. The Seven Aphorisms should not be confused with the Pentagon's "Seven Euphemisms for "killed in action."

St. Louis, MO -- A deed signed by Lewis & Clark to transfer land to a fur trader in 1809 is expected to bring more than $80,000 at auction. Not to be confused with a similar auction item, a backstage pass signed in 1959 by Jerry Lee Lewis and The Dave Clark Five to pick up groupies.

Latrobe, PENN -- St. Vincent College has hired Michael King to head its Fred Rogers Center For Early Learning. Afterwards, King, dressed in a buttoned cardigan, told reporters, "It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood."

New York, NY -- Faced with a recruiting slump, the Girl Scouts of America have hired former ad agency executive Laurel Richie to fashion an image makeover for the 96-year old organization. So far she's redesigned their cookie box and made the merit badges look more like Oscars, Emmys, and Tonys.
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Provo, UT -- A study conducted at Brigham Young University found that aerosol sprays are more effective at repelling bears than a firearm. They cautioned against using Silly String, though, as it tends to induce play.

New York, NY -- A Nielsen Company survey of consumers in 48 countries found that Gucci is the world's most desired luxury brand with Chanel and Calvin Klein closely following. Most desired Chinese knockoffs are Rolex, Cartier and Nike.

Hammond, NJ -- The popular John Dillinger Museum has reopened despite protests by Dillinger's nephew who claims it demeans the family name. Admission is $10 for adults and $5 for children and seniors -- free if you decide to shoot your way in.

Phoenix,AZ -- Anthrapoligists at the University of Arizona report the discovery of a gold and tourquoise necklace in southern Peru that they believe is the earliest example of jewelry ever found. It was draped around the neck bones of what they believe is the earliest fossil of a rapper ever found.

Santo, TX -- "Bayou Bob" Popplewell was charged with illegal alcohol sales after he stuffed baby rattlesnakes into bottles of vodka and marketed the mixture as "an ancient Asian elixir. Not clear what it cured, but it gave drinkers an uncontrollable desire to sun themselves on a rock.

Dallas, TX -- Mandy Hamlin, 37, claims she was forced by airport TSA checkers to remove her nipple ring with pliers before being allowed to board her plane at the Dallas Airport. Inspectors weren't interested in the ring so much as the pocket watch attached to it.

Los Angeles, CA -- Daniel Carlock, Jr. has filed a $4 million suit against Ocean Adventures for abandoning him underwater off of Catalina during a sports diving expedition. The captain of Sun Dial Charters claims he had to reposition the boat to improve satellite reception of "Oprah."

Winter Park, FL -- Jack Aldrich, 46, director of Musical Ministries at First United Methodist Church, was relieved of his duties after soliciting sex on line from a 15 year old. He told police he was just attempting to fill a vacancy in the soprano section.

Hilo, HI -- The Kilauea Volcano releases 2000 tons of toxic gas from its main crater every day. No, wait... I'm sorry... that's Rush Limbaugh.

Shreveport, LA -- Danielle King, 44, accountant for the Captain Shreve High School Booster Club, is accused of embezzling $50,000. Officials became suspicious when she charged the school $24,677 for batons.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
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Augusta, MA -- A bill currently moving through the legislature would levy a $50 fine for anyone caught smoking in a vehicle with children under 16 present. Debate still rages over whether motorcycles should be exempt.

Boston, MASS -- The Boston Ballet Company is leaving the 3600 seat Wong Theater after 30 years. Seems the landlord refused to authorize "The Nutcracker" scheduled for next season. They're still a little gun shy over public reaction to last season's "The Vagina Monologues In Dance."

Binghampton, NY -- Water & Power officials declined to allow Ron Bongna to pay a disputed water bill with a $2509.66 check written on a strip of toilet tissue. The check probably would have cleared if Ron hadn't printed "Bank of Larry Craig' across the top.

Garden City, NY -- Historian Edward Renehan, 67, former director of the Theodore Roosevelt Association was charged with grand larceny for attempting to auction a letter written by Teddy after he left office. In the letter, he warns visitors to New York to "walk softly and carry a big stick in Central Park at night."

Fargo, ND -- James Smith, 25, charged with disrupting an airline flight by forcing the pilot to make an unscheduled landing, claims he charged the cockpit while under the influence of smoking cessation pills. Authorities suspect it may have been the six margaritas he washed them down with.

Ashland, KY -- Kasey Kazee, 25, held up Shamrock Liquors disguised as a guy with his head wrapped in duct tape. Police were able to follow a trail of blood which led to his apartment. Seems Kasey cut the eye holes AFTER taping over his face.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"This case has the full analyzation and has been looked at a lot."

George W. Bush 6/23/2000 Seattle, WA

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Tampa, FL -- Etni Ortiz, 30, held up a Bank of America branch, handing the teller a demand note written on the back of his employment resume. On a happier note, the bank wants to interview him as soon as he's out of prison.

Oroville, CA -- Ann Linscott, 48, placed an ad on Craig's List seeking applicants interested in "freelance work." She offered those who responded $5000 to "irradicate" the wife of her boyfriend she met on line. She was immediately arrested and charged with solicitation of murder and failure to pay withholding taxes on the freelance employees.

Joplin, MO -- When motorist David Fletcher, 42, was pulled over by Missouri State Trooper John Mason for a minor traffic violation, he handed the officer five ID's, each with different photos and birth dates. Mason booked him five times, just to make sure he got the right guy.

Austin, TX -- The South by Southwest Music Festival has gotten underway with hundreds of rock bands attending seminars to learn out how to profit from free internet downloads of their songs. No workshops, however, on what to do when the guy in the car next to you at the stop light is playing that crap loud enough to wake Jimmy Hoffa.

New York, NY -- To attract younger diners, Burger King will introduce new "Whopper Bars," kiosk type outlets featuring variations of the classic Whooper including "The Angry Whooper" (spicy onions and relish), "The Texas Whooper" (bacon and jalepenos), and "The Rodeo Whooper" (onion rings, barbecue sauce). Expected in the spring, "The Cardio Whooper" (defibrillator, angiogram).

Portland, OR -- Evangelicals are anxiously awaiting the court's interpretation of a new state law that disallows "faith-based healing" as practiced by members of the 100 year old Christ Church who rely on "prayer and application of holy oils" to cure illnesses. A typical prescription would be: "Read two psalms and call me in the morning."
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
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San Diego, CA -- While campaigning for a seat on the City Council, John Hartley, 65, was arrested for exposing himself to two females in the upscale Kensington subdivision. But to John's political credit, he has released his tax returns.

Stanford, CA -- The Association for Recorded Sound has announced the discovery of the earliest known recording of a song, an eight second rendition of "Clair de Lune" recorded in 1860. Heather Mills has already petitioned the court for a piece of the profits.

Muncie, IND -- William Brown, 32, topped off a night of pub hopping with buddies by crawling into a dipsy dumpster. He was discovered by Larry Green, driver for Rumpske Waste Disposal seconds before he compacted his load. Drivers are required to check for bodies under Indiana's Jimmy Hoffa Law.
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Arlington, VA -- The Pentagon mistakenly sent four Patriot Missile tips to Taiwan instead of the helicopter batteries that were ordered. It's unknown whether the technology was copied, but within 12 hours, vendors on the streets of Manhattan were hawking Patriot Missile tip knockoffs with "Gucci" stamped on the side.

Sacramento, CA -- The state Legislature rejected a proposal to grant handicapped parking permits to pregnant women. They decided it would be too much of a temptation to the Kirstie Alleys of the world to cheat.

Washington, DC -- Fulfilling a tradition skipped by his two incompetent predecessors, Attorney General Michael Mukasey argued a case before the Supreme Court. Afterwards, he told reporters that he finally knows the meaning of torture after watching Clarence Thomas trying to pretend he understood what was going on.

Honolulu, HI -- The state of Hawaii will ship 100,000 tons of waste to the Pacific Northwest by barge. Budget-conscious Americans are already making reservations to vacation on it.

Charlotte, NC -- Passengers were terrified when a US Airways pilot discharged a loaded pistol during his final approach. The mystery was solved after airline officials identified the guy as a retired Air Force colonel who used to fly Dick Cheney around on Air Force II.

Washington, DC -- At the mass conducted by Pope Benedict during his upcoming visit, four choirs will provide the music in ten languages including Latin, French, Spanish, Zulu and the Vatican's official language, Mumbo-Jumbo.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

George W. Bush 10/18/2000 LaCrosse, WIS
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Charlotte, NC -- A new study shows that developers have desimated 100 acres of land daily for the past thirty years. But it'll all be worth it when the new units become available at "Parrot Shores," an exact replica of the formerly dense rain forests of Brazil.

Pittsfield, MASS -- General Electric will dredge pollutants dumped by one of its plants into the Housatonk River. No solution in sight yet for the mental pollution one of its subsidiaries, NBC, has dumped over the same period.

Muncie, IND -- Delaware County Sherriff's Deputy Herbert Holding, Jr. was fired after being caught sleeping in his patrol car while on duty. Herb blamed those new strawberry & valium sprinkles over at the 'Nut Hut.

Carson City, NV -- Prison chaplan Jane Foraker Thompson was placed on paid leave after the warden accused her of unreasonably defending inmates' religious practices. Seems she set aside the south boundary of the exercise yard as a wailing wall for cons of the Jewish faith.

Hollywood, CA -- Pamela Anderson's marriage was terminated after her husband of four months petitioned the court for an annulment. He testified that she swore she was a virgin, but during their honeymoon, he noticed she had guys' names tattooed inside her... no time to go into it here, but it's all in the court transcript.

MONDAY, March 24, 2008

A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N

P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Between The Cracks

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Seattle, WA -- City fathers are considering a proposal to remove five coin-operated restroom kiosks that critics claim are favorite meeting spots for prostitutes, drug dealers and Larry Craig.

Hartford, CONN -- The descendants of ten women hanged as witches between 1647 and 1697 have petitioned the Legislature to pardon them. One of them is the great great great grandmother of Anne Coulter.

Washington, DC -- A keeper at the National Zoo was clawed by their normally docile panda cub, Tai Shan. Animal behaviorists are trying to determine why the fit hit the Shan.

Miami, FLA -- A judge has annulled the marriage of Alfred Kreisler, 92 and Yvette Penichet, 42. The wedding had taken place the previous weekend at Miami's popular Our Lady of Anna Nicole Smith Wedding Chapel.
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QUOTH THE NITWIT...

"We thought we were protected forever from trade policy or terrorist attacks because oceans protected us."

George W. Bush 11/20/2004 Santiago, Chile

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Monterrey, CA -- A shark tagged in California swam 1200 miles in six weeks, turning up on a beach in Mexico. He averaged 27 miles a day which is easy when you're being stalked by Steven Speilberg for a sequel.

Dover, DEL -- Beginning in 2013, Delaware kindergarteners will be required to study a foreign language. Watching Sesame Street on a regular basis will qualify as a prerequisite.

Wichita, KAN -- Officials at the Mid-Continent Airport withdrew permission for a movie company to film scenes there after the director and several members of the crew disrobed and began dancing naked. Oh, oh. Looks like Mel Gibson is back on the sauce.

Waterville, MA -- The city celebrated "Main Maple Sunday" to launch the state's syrup harvest. The event was hosted by this year's "Miss Buckets 'O' Sweetness," Katie Couric.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: intelligence
_______________________________________

Boston, MASS -- Lawmakers rejected the governor's plan to allow gambling casinos to operate in the state. Bowing to strong opposition from the Catholic Archdiocese which argued that wagering should be restricted to church bingo halls where it belongs.

Kalamazoo, MICH -- The Maple Street Magnet School recently banned baggy pants and hooded sweatshirts. The school's principal, who had just come from the golf course, announced the ban while wearing plaid pants held up by a white patent leather belt.

New York Mills, MINN -- Officials of the annual "Great American Think Off"
announced that this year's topic is "Does immigration strengthen or threaten the US?" The winner of the 750 word essay contest will be announced on CNN by Lou Dobbs.

St. Joseph, MO -- The winner of the Regional Spelling Bee, Morgan Brown, was disqualified from the Nationals thanks to a clerical error committed by officials at Platt Junior High. Seems they managed to misspell Missouri.
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[] Do you like to read? Ever been told your voice could charm the birds out of the trees? Okay, how about into the trees? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!

www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
_______________________________________

Dillon, MONT -- "Outdoor Life Magazine" ranked more Montana sites in their Top Twenty US hunting and fishing areas than any other state. Least desirable hunting states according to the survey are New Jersey, Illinois and any state where Dick Cheney happens to be hunting.

Las Vegas, NV -- Anti war activists picketed the Venetian Hotel/Casino because its owner, Sheldon Adelson, funds "Freedom Watch" which supports the US troop presence in Iraq. It's believed to be the first time picketers wore peace symbols on their nipples.

Egg Harbor Township, NJ -- Animal Welfare officers took 57 rabbits into custody after the elderly man who bred them confessed that he became "overwhelmed." Police theorize that one of them somehow learned how to order Viagra on line.

Detroit, MICH -- Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and obstruction of justice for lying about having sexual relations with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. The prosecutor may add an additional charge of impersonating the mayor of San Francisco.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planing to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
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Las Vegas, NV -- The public has been asked to submit suggestions for naming the city's Triple A baseball team. Entries so far include "The Pit Bosses," "The One Armed Bandits," and "The Green Felt Sox."

Cape Meares, OR -- A tree located here has been declared the state's "Champion Sitka," based on height, circumference and canopy. The panel of judges was made up of a park ranger, a professional arborist, and a dog.

Dallas, TX -- Space memorabilia including patches from Buzz Aldren's flight suit and a moon dust scoop used by Alan Shepard are expected to fetch up to $75,000 at an auction this week. A case of NASA approved astronaut Huggies will be auctioned separately.
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[] FREE! You can now read excerpts from Bob Mills' book "THE LAUGH MAKERS: Memories of a Writer for Bob Hope." Posted this month is a chapter entitled "The Bob Hope Show in China," recalling the historic 1979 special taped in the Peoples Republic. With the Olympics and Tibet in the news, you'll marvel at the changes that have occurred over the past 30 years! Check it out now!

www.laughmakers.blogspot.com

FRIDAY, March 21, 2008

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A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N

P*I*E

Smaller items that may have slipped through the cracks

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Eastpointe, MICH -- Someone stole a $3000, six-foot costume shaped like a pint of Guinness stout from a beer distributor who used it for promotion. Police immediately set up roadblocks since in Eastpointe, it’s considered a DUI to drive while dressed as a beer.

Midwest City, OKLA -- A Marine reservist will not be prosecuted for assaulting an anti-war protester whom he spotted stuffing an American flag in her pants. Worse, the flag was wrapped around a Republican politician.

Honolulu, HI -- People camping in the city’s Iweli District have been given 24 hours to pack up and leave. Five-O officers are unsure if the area is a camp for the homeless or just an extended luau.

Ormond Beach, FLA -- A thief made off with police chief Michael Longfellow’s gun, bullet proof vest and handcuffs that he left in his car. At least that’s what he told the mayor who spotted him replacing the cuffs at the Chez Paree Sex Shop on Key Largo Street.

Lewisburg, WV -- The Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization will begin a search for Sasquach in the Greenbrier River area. Using methods they developed searching for Dick Cheney.
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[] QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week -- we will have an all-volunteer army!”

George W. Bush 12/16/2004 Daytona Beach, FL

[] For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Raleigh, NC -- A new daytime lottery called “Carolina Pick 3” will begin on April 1. Just what they needed. Now poor people can squander what little money they have 24/7.

Charlottesville, VA -- Army recruiters will send a video of their famed “Golden Knights” parachute team to all incoming freshmen at the University of Virginia. Good idea. It will inspire them to study hard, become politically aware, and steer clear of Bush‘s quagmire in Iraq.

Virginia City, NV -- Members of the local historical reenactment group who perform for tourists must not carry loaded weapons or consume alcoholic beverages during shows. Except, of course, the guy playing Ulysses S. Grant.

Salt Lake City, UT -- David Wilson, 25, is charged with biting his 68 year old grandmother while they were watching “Silence of the Lambs.” Wilson’s lawyer blames too much Chianti with his fava beans.

Las Vegas, NV -- Israeli billionaire Yitzhak Tshuva has gotten the green light to build a $6 billion casino on the Strip. “Moses Palace” will include a hotel, a showroom and a wailing wall for the losers.
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[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planning to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!

https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP

________________________________________________

Bismarck, ND -- Oil companies are making plans to extract oil and gas from under Lake Sakakawea using a horizontal drill. Or, as they say in There Will be Blood, “stealing the lake’s milkshake.”

Corsicana, TX -- Sheriff’s deputies charged over 200 people with gambling at a clandestine cockfighting arena that featured bleacher seating, overhead lighting and a concession stand that offered hot wings from some of the losers.

Talent, ORE -- Three teenagers were treated at a local hospital for hemlock poisoning. Needless to say, the Talent High School production of McBeth has been cancelled.

Long Island, NY -- A fire captain was convicted of DUI after he drove his fire engine into a utility pole following a parade. On a brighter note, he saved a cat stuck on the pole.

Ringe, NH -- Fifteen 80-foot pine trees were destroyed in a snow storm that slammed into the Altar of the Nations at the Cathedral of the Pines. Renamed the Cathedral of the Stumps.

Boston, MASS -- The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum has posted a $5 million reward for return of paintings by Rembrandt, Vermeer, Degas and Monet stolen in 1990. Museum official waited eighteen years to be sure the art works would retain their value.

Babbitt, MINN -- Tana’s Bar staged a “theater night” to get around the smoking ban by evoking the exemption that allows smoking during stage performances. The ploy didn’t work, but it got better reviews than the little theater’s revival of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”

MONDAY, March 17, 2008

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A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N

P*I*E

Smaller items that may have slipped through the cracks

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Clearfield City, UT -- The city’s new Aquatic Center has an $88,000 ultraviolet sanitation system to guard against waterborne parasites. Just their luck. Now water comes with antibiotics already in it.

Hampton, VA -- NASA’s Langley Research Center is designing a parachute system that will whisk space shuttle crews to safety in the event of a problem on the launch pad. Like, for instance, a jilted lover suddenly attacks her successful rival and -- nah, too farfetched.

St. Paul, MINN -- A bill is moving through the State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport mens rooms where they belong.

West Hollywood, CA -- The Hadaka Japanese Restaurant will serve sushi at private parties on a naked woman for an extra $1500. They also offer the “Spitzer Sampler” for $80,000.

Bozeman, Mont -- Nearly 1100 Yellowstone National Park bison are predicted to die this year due to hunting and disease management. Some home on the range. The home’s in default and the buffalo are being shot.
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[] QUOTH THE NITWIT…

“We ought to make the pie higher.”

George W. Bush 2/15/2000 Washington, DC

For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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Carson City, NV -- State environmental chief Leo Drozdoff shut down the Jerritt Canyon gold mine for excessive mercury emissions. And none too soon. The local TV weather man was using its smoke stack as a thermometer.

Pasadena, CA -- The California Institute of Technology Beavers compete in the NCAA’s Division III but have dropped 273 consecutive games since 1985, losing by 39 to 60 points. They do have one positive stat, though: 0 tattoos.

Vero Beach, FLA -- Thirteen of the thirty major league baseball teams now offer fans all-you-can-eat bleacher seats. The LA Dodgers offer a salad bar hosted by Tommy Lasorda.

Key West, FL -- Clinton Curry, 34, won the annual conch shell blowing contest, a tradition since 1800, wowing the judges with his “Musical Tribute to Don Ho.”

Boulder, CO -- Joy Douglas was fined $1000 for dying her poodle pink. What’s worse, she named it “Benadryl.”
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Coral Springs, FLA -- Millionaire money manager Ivan Messer spent $1 million on his cutting edge, state-of-the-art home theater that boasts 16 amplifiers, 14 speakers and a 10 foot screen. But his VCR still flashes 12:00... 12:00... 12:00...

Fairbanks, AL -- Following a three-hour meeting, the City Council voted to fluoridate the city’s water supply despite protests from local citizens. Most of whom are British immigrants.

Triana, ALA -- Sheriffs deputies seized 300 electronic bingo machines and charged their owner with illegal gambling. “You’ll be hearing from the Vatican!” protested Msgr. Paddy O’Callahan, pastor of Our Lady of the Lucky Card Parish.

Macon, MISS -- DNA evidence has exonerated Levon Brooks who has served 18 years on a murder conviction. Levon is lucky. If he was convicted in Texas, he’d have been dead for 17 ½ years.

Danbury, CONN -- A high school student is suing his teacher for injuries caused when she slapped his desk to wake him up. Also, he wants the video game that fell on the floor replaced.
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Lake Forest, ILL -- Drug store heiress Estelle Gonzales Walgreen abandoned her $3.3 million mansion after neighbors complained about the three 200 pound Vietnamese potbellied pigs that lived with her. It wasn’t so much the feeding or the walking, it was the home schooling.

Louisville, KY -- Narcotics officers uncovered the largest methamphetamine lab dumping site in Southwestern Jefferson County. At the intersection of the Rush Limbaugh Expressway and Amy Winehouse Boulevard.

Augusta, MA -- The Maine Maple Producers Association Predicts a 20% to 30% increase in syrup prices this year. Thanks mainly to the sudden demand for Denny’s new “Stack ‘O’ Flaps” $2.99 Breakfast Special.

Marquette, MICH -- A 57-year old state prison inmate, already serving 20 years, was sentenced to life for assaulting a staff nurse who was giving him an exam. He kept telling her his prostate was fine, but she persisted.

Coburg, OR -- Country Coach, manufacturer of high-end RV’s, laid off 8% of its work force citing a 17% decline in sales so far this year. Due mainly to increased gasoline prices, the devalued dollar and FEMA selling trailers below cost.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

www.larrs.org
password: independence
_______________________________________________

Barrington, NH -- Becky Santos of Brownie Troop 74 reported to the Girl Scouts Swift Water Council in Bedford that cookie sales outside Wal Mart are down 300 boxes from the 500 sold last year. Seems the usual purchase by Bear Sterns didn’t come through as expected.

Pierre, SD -- A new law prohibits the transmission of ominous or annoying text messages. With one exemption, of course: cell phone bills.

Chehalis, WA -- Don Lynch, 55, is charged with assaulting a 75 year old Wal Mart greeter. Clobbered him with a poker from the barbecue grill display in Garden & Patio.

Santa Fe, NM -- Metropolitan Court Judge J. Wayne Griego was removed from the bench after he was caught fixing 24 traffic citations. All issued last summer to Britney Spears during a vacation in Taos.

Walhalla, SC -- Jennifer Adams, former aide to Republican Senator Lindsay Graham, was indicted for stealing $215,000 from his campaign coffers. No surprise. He’s one of those GOP hacks who’s lost trillions to crooked Iraq war contractors.

Olympia, WA -- The School Board will allow cafeterias to purchase locally grown, though more costly, produce. Mostly barley and hops.

(The next post will be Friday, March 21, 2008)

FRIDAY, March 14, 2008

BUTTERFIELD 8... Unheeded danger signs that the governor was hooker-hooked:

1] Paid for Heidi Fleiss’ Bat Mitzvah
2] Convinced wife he spent $80,000 on lottery tickets
3] Favorite movie: : “Irma Le Douche”
4] Screamed during nightmares: “You’re WHAT-teen?”
5] Hourly rooms at Mayflower called “Spitzer Suites.”

CHEEK TO CHEEK… Larry Craig has petitioned the Minnesota Court of Appeals to allow him to withdraw his plea of guilty to charges that he solicited an undercover police officer for gay sex in an airport men’s room. He now claims he was tapping his feet while rehearsing for an upcoming appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.”

WATERBOARDED… The top US commander in the Middle East, Adm. William Fallon, resigned after an Esquire Magazine profile characterized him as “… brazenly challenging the Bush administration on Iran.” Bush immediately denied the White House had engineered the departure, but he would have been more convincing if he hadn’t added “Besides, I’ve been too busy lately overseeing Jenna’s wedding.”
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“This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed.”

George W. Bush 11/6/2003 Washington, D.C.

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OSCAR DE LA FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT… Barack Obama fired Samantha Power, his foreign policy advisor, after she called Hillary Clinton “a monster” during an interview for a Scottish newspaper. Not quite that bad. What she actually said was that those pant suits make her butt look like a “monster garage.”

TIT FOR TAT… The child seen asleep in her bed during Hillary Clinton’s three a.m. phone call commercial turns out to be Casey Knowles, now 17, who is an Obama campaign worker. Obama’s aides denied that the sleeping child in his commercial is Monica Lewinsky.

GERRY KIDS… Geraldine Ferraro told Fox News she’s sorry if people considered her racist for saying that Obama “… wouldn’t be where he is today if he were white.” She’s also sorry that no one ever considered her bright enough to be vice president.
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QUEEN FOR A DAY… British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has proposed a “pledge of allegiance” to Queen Elizabeth II as well as a public holiday celebrating the country’s “Britishness.” If adopted, the new pledge would replace the time honored practice in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland of saluting the Monarchy with a single finger thrust smartly upward several times in succession.

INVASION DISPENSATION… The Catholic Archdiocese in Washington, DC is appealing to the faithful to help raise $3 million needed to cover expenses of Pope Benedict XVI’s visit in April. Most of the funds are expected to go toward the increased security at the White House the day he pardons Bush, Cheney and Rice.

THOU SHALT NOT… The Vatican has released a list of new sins inherent in today’s secular society that include genetic experimentation, contributing to the earth’s pollution, use of mind-altering drugs and the accumulation of obscene wealth except, of course, when it’s used to pay criminal defense lawyers to keep clergy out of the joint.
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ON STAR… The conservative American Family Association ended its 2-year boycott of Ford for donating to groups that advocate same sex marriage. The clincher was Ford’s new satellite GPS heterosexual identifier that automatically locks out anyone the system deems “suspect.”

RINGS OF MASS DESTRUCTION… The Chinese government has uncovered what they believe to be a terrorist plot to sabotage the Summer Olympics headed by the East Turkestan Islamist Movement (ETIM), believed to be linked to al Qaeda and the Taliban. Beijing security officers discovered javelins equipped with heat-seeking warheads, starters’ pistols with real bullets, and shot putt balls with IEC’s (improvised explosive centers).

TOME TORCHERS… Bowing to numerous complaints, the Public Library Board in Nampa, Idaho has removed two books from their shelves: “The New Joy of Sex” and “The Joy of Gay Sex.” Replacing them with “Mein Kampf” and “Mein Kampf (Large Print Version).”
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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Password: independence
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MONDAY, March 10, 2008

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A*M*E*R*I*C*A*N
P*I*E

Smaller Items That May Have Slipped Through The Cracks

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POCHANTAS, ARK. -- Saint Paul the Apostle Church has petitioned the state to reduce the one cent tax on Bingo cards… A couple of mills, maybe, but a penny is over the top!

SOUTHFIELD, MICH. -- A veteran mail carrier was charged with hoarding 16,000 pieces of mail since 2000... If they can get those puppies delivered in the next three weeks, who’ll notice?

KALISPELL, MT. -- A 23-year old baby sitter was charged with negligence for allowing an 18-month old toddler to play with a loaded 9mm revolver… And you thought those toys from China had a high lead content.

FARGO, N.D. -- Music teacher Mavis Tojn is seeking reinstatement after being fired for violating the school district’s policy against corporal punishment… Good luck. She hit the kid with a tuba.

RALEIGH, N.C. -- 81-year old Willie Parker was captured and charged with a Maryland prison escape in 1942... Still wearing his orange jump suit.

TRENTON, N.J. -- The state will require student athletes 12 and older to submit to random steroid testing… Good news for Roger Clemens’ son who’s 11.

LAS VEGAS, NV. -- Several surgical centers and outpatient clinics were discovered reusing syringes and not sterilizing instruments… The low budget outfits bought most of their medical supplies from beachcombers.

NEWPORT BEACH, CA. -- The body of a 33-year old woman was found in an upscale hotel packed in dry ice. Sometimes waiting for room service can make you look like you’re frozen.

JEFFERSON CITY, MO. -- State legislators outlawed a machine that allows bar patrons to inhale alcohol fumes to avoid hangovers and cirrhosis of the liver… It would have been marketed under the brand name the “David Hasselhoff 500.”
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Quoth the Nitwit:

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.”

George W. Bush 7/3/2003 Rome

For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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MINNEAPOLIS, MINN. -- US Senate candidate Al Franken was fined $25,000 for failure to carry workman’s compensation insurance on members of his staff… Not Al’s fault. Wesley Snipes told him he didn’t have to.

GREENWICH, CT. -- Royal Caribbean paid the widow of a man who disappeared without a trace during a 2005 cruise a million dollars… Out of which she’ll have to pay his bar bill, gratuities and port charges.

GRIFFIN, GA. -- A former high ranking Sheriff’s deputy shot his wife accidentally while unloading his gun… Three times.

STANTON, KY. -- State trooper Jerry Perkins was treated at a local hospital after being exposed to fumes from a methamphetamine lab… Before he was released, he wrote three hit rock ‘n’ roll songs.

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- The legislature is considering a bill to make indigo the state’s official color… Barely beating out puce and mauve.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT. -- Craig Jessop, Mormon Tabernacle Choir music director, resigned… Apparently for health reasons. He told his psychiatrist he kept hearing voices.

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A disbarred lawyer who enjoyed gambling is suing casinos for allowing her to sit at a blackjack table for five days and nights without sleep... Well-rested lawyers are bad enough, but can you imagine trying to reason with a tired one?

BARTOW, FL. -- Residents are demanding state help in eradicating the burgeoning vulture population. Stop attracting so many elderly retirees would probably be a good start.

PHOENIX, AZ. -- Police on university campuses are arming officers with army-style assault rifles “to enable them to shoot accurately down long hallways.” Yes sir, never can tell when one of those hallway monitors will snap.
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DALLAS, TX. -- Barry Cooper, a former narcotics officer who produced a DVD showing how to cultivate, process and sell marijuana without getting caught is running for Congress… After which he’ll produce a CD on how to run for Congress and not remember a minute of it.

PENDLETON, IND. -- Inmates at a local prison have been contracted to repair transmissions on used postal vehicles… The Post Office has been asked not to leave any empty mail sacks in them.

COLUMBIA, MO. -- The nightclub where the Missouri basketball team’s leading scorer Stefhon Hannah suffered a broken jaw in a scuffle has closed… The newly remodeled “Cold Cock Lounge” wasn’t doing all that well anyway.

WYOMING. DEL. -- A Wal-Mart surveillance video caught State Trooper Hyunjin Kim buying items he later left at the scene of a poker game robbery he staged at a local country club‘s card room… Unfortunately, he decided to bring his own chips and dip.

CATTLETTSBURG, KY. -- Gerald Rocchi, 32, held up an ice cream parlor and a Wendy’s using a staple gun… After warning bystanders to remain still or he’d bind their hands with a chain of paper clips.

LANSING, MICH. -- Goats were taken off the Agriculture Department‘s “low risk” list after one of them tested positive for Scrapie, a fatal and contagious disease found in goats and sheep. As a precaution, local farmers are being advised to be tested for STD’s.

RUTLAND, VT. -- Mayor Christopher Louras has cut back overtime for snow plow operators because there’s only $3800 left in the overtime plowing budget. Serves him right. He shouldn’t have dipped into it for last summer’s mosquito spraying.

NASHVILLE, TN. -- A federal jury awarded $9100 to compensate a family whose dog was shot by a cop during a routine traffic stop. According to witnesses, the dog was wagging his tail and did not appear to be a threat… But from the cop’s line of vision, maybe the Chihuahua’s tail was hard to see.
_____________________________________________________________________

[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.

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password: independence

FRIDAY, March 7, 2008

FINGER ON THE BUTTON... Claiming she has vastly more experience than Obama, Hillary Clinton released a campaign commercial showing children asleep in their beds as a doomsday voice asks “Who's most qualified to answer the White House phone when it rings at three in the morning?” Which makes a valid point. She's answered that phone many times at 3 a.m. – although it was usually Bill asking her to call him a cab.

ANYBODY HERE FROM DC?… In a full-press TV studio assault, Hillary made a cameo appearance on “Saturday Night Live” followed by a drop in on “The Daily Show.” Her delegate numbers may be in the tank, but she's now the front-runner to win “Last Comic Standing.”

KISS THE CHEF... On the eve of the Ohio and Texas primaries, McCain hosted an outdoor barbecue at his Arizona ranch for members of his press detail. . Expertly wielding tongs, fork and basting brush with equal aplomb, he dazzled them at the controls of his 12-burner Charm-Glow preparing his famous baby back ribs, using a secret Mastodon recipe handed down from his maternal grandfather, OG McCain.

NEW MATH… McCain is still getting plenty of flack for predicting that the US may be in Iraq another hundred years. But in all fairness, you have to remember that at his age a hundred years doesn't seem all that long.
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Quoth the nitwit:

“But I also made it clear to Putin that it’s important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe.”

George W. Bush 5/1/2001 Washington DC

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REGULAR GUY… Reprising the Broadway hit based on Lorraine Hansberry’s play, ABC is preparing a small screen version of “A Raisin in the Sun.” But be careful you don't confuse it with the similarly titled McCain campaign documentary “Prunes on the Straight Talk Express.”

P.S. I LOVE YOU… A study published in the journal Science found that freshly fallen snow contains large amounts of Pseudomonas syringae bacteria that could be harmful to children who eat it. A hidden danger so eloquently expressed by Chet Atkins in the song he dedicated to his ex wife, “I Still Write Your Name in the Snow.”

TANGLED WEB WEAVING… The sister of author Peggy Selzer tipped off her publisher that her just-released memoir “Love and Consequences,” which claimed she was raised in a black foster home and followed her brothers into a South Central Los Angeles gang, was totally fabricated. Well, that probably puts the kibosh on her planned sequel about befriending Howard Hughes.

SKIPPY, JIF & PETER PAN… March is “National Peanut Butter Month.” Which explains why it often sticks to the roof of April.
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FERRELL NO FARRELLY… Will Ferrell’s R rated “Semi Pro” scored a measly $15.1 million in its opening weekend, less than half of the gross New Line Cinema expected, based on his previous hits “Ron Burgundy” and “Blades of Glory.” They’re seriously considering a change in title to “Promising Amateur.”

THE LOST CHORD… Anthropologist Caroline Wilkinson of Scotland’s University of Dundee used state-of-the-art computer modeling to recreate the large head, strong jaw and slight overbite of Johann Sabastian Bach who sat for only one known portrait during his life. Dr. Wilkinson is using the project as a warm-up for a challenge most of her colleagues believe she won’t be able to pull off… determining what Joan Rivers used to look like.

CAFFEINE WAR… Lobbing a canon ball across the bow of Starbucks, 7-Eleven now offers a coffee-flavored Slurpee they call the “Slurppuccino.” Not to be confused with their Chianti-flavored Slurpee they call the “Alpacino.”

SPREAD THE ROSE PEDALS… Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visited Baghdad without the ultra-tight security with which Bush and his henchmen must be surrounded whenever they show up, told the cheering Iraqi's “The presence of foreigners... is nothing but a humiliation to the regional nations.” Dick Cheney is reported to be ecstatic that his prediction about being “welcomed as liberators” turned out to be dead on – he just had the wrong country.
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SELF EVIDENT TRUTHS… Archivists at the University of Rochester have discovered letters signed by Abraham Lincoln in which he suggests that the money being spent on the Civil War, then $58 million per month, be better spent purchasing all the slaves in the US for $173,048,800 -- $400 each. Which, shamefully, is the lowest value ever placed on slaves – if you don't count Wal-Mart.

FATTENGETTEN... A study by sports physicians at the University of Cologne found that 40% of German soldiers are overweight and unfit. In their defense, though, they have few role models to emulate and those they do have look like Sgt. Schulz on “Hogan’s Heroes.”

MASS APPEAL… The list of Vatican-approved souvenirs to be sold during the pope’s visit to the US in April includes the usual rosary beads, holy cards, scapulas, crucifix key chains, hats and coffee mugs as well as a stuffed “Benny Bear” wearing a t-shirt with “Christ Our Hope” printed on the front. Among the products not allowed to display the Vatican logo are autographed replicas of electronic ankle bracelets worn by priests indicted as child molesters.

ARE YOU, LIKE, A BIRD?... Heirs of the late Conway Twitty have filed suit against Sony/ATV Music to recover a share of the country artist’s royalties they believe they’re entitled to. To compensate the, if only partially, for having to go through life with a name like “Twitty.”
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MONDAY, March 3, 2008

PRINCE VALIANT… The British Army recalled 23-year old lieutenant Prince Harry Windsor after only 10 weeks of a scheduled six-month secret deployment in Afghanistan after Matt Drudge broke the story that had been concealed by the press in England. Matt is preparing to raise even more of a stir amongst the Royals by exposing Camilla Parker Bowles’ secret post as a bouncer at a Soho after hours dance club where she is affectionately known as “Velvet Rope” Cammy.

DUCK & COVER… Doctors in Houston have implanted a biventricular pacemaker-defibrillator in the chest of 64 year old former Polish president and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Lech Walesa. The device, the state-of-the-art “Beatmaster 500” from Motorola, not only keeps the heart operating properly, but also attempts to prolong life by sounding an alarm whenever Dick Cheney gets within 500 yards of the wearer while carrying a shotgun.

NO SATISFACTION… Evidence has surfaced that in 1969, disgruntled over losing their security jobs after being blamed for the death of a fan at a Rolling Stones concert, the Hells Angels motorcycle club devised a plan to kill Mick Jagger. For some inexplicable reason they have never revealed, at the last minute, they decided to kill Keith Richard instead -- and succeeded.
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Quoth the Nitwit:

“Whether they be Christian, Jew, or Muslim, or Hindu, people have heard the universal call to love a neighbor just like they’d like to be called themselves.”

George W. Bush 10/08/2003 Washington, DC

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GOING HOSTAL… After complaints by Woopie Goldberg made to her co-workers on “The View” that she had been omitted from an Academy Awards montage of prior hosts, the show’s producer, Gil Cates, apologized. He also apologized to the TV viewers -- all 136 of them -- by going door-to-door.

STALLING FOR TIME… Larry Craig has posted a help wanted notice on his Senate website seeking qualified applicants -- “team players who share my philosophy” -- for several vacant congressional internships. Those afflicted with a narrow stance needn’t apply.

ROMULUS, REMUS & REBECCA… Misha Defonseca whose best-seller “Misha: A Memoir of the Holocaust Years” was translated into 18 languages and made the subject of a feature film in France, has admitted that she fabricated her story of being raised by wolves during her flight to escape the Nazis. Which does not bode well for Roger Clemens’ upcoming book “Roger: A Memoir of Balls, Strikes and Syringes.”