CLOTHES CONSCIOUS… Panicking over the speed at which her campaign is imploding, aides of Hillary Clinton released a photo of Barack Obama dressed in traditional tribal garb during a 2006 visit to Kenya. Choosing the high road, Obama’s aides decided not to release their photo of Bill wearing Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress at a White House Christmas party.
FLAWED BUT INTERESTING… William F. Buckley, father of modern conservatism, has died at age 82. He also founded the National Review and hosted “Firing Line” on PBS. As a college student he opposed the US entry into WWII and defended the communist witch hunt instituted by Sen. Joseph McCarthy. Later, he suggested that AIDS victims be tattooed and believed that only educated people should be allowed to vote. In his memory, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Rielly, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingram honored him with one minute of just this kind nonsensical conservative blather.
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“I mean, I read the newspaper. I mean, I can tell you what the headlines are. I must confess, if I think the story is, like, not a fair appraisal, I’ll move on. But I know what the story’s about.”______________________________________________
George W. Bush 12/12/2005 Philadelphia, PA
OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE… The Associated Press suggested the absence of an American flag pin on Barack Obama’s jacket may indicate he’s unpatriotic. Nothing that complex. How else can he avoid being mistaken for a family values, flag-wrapped Republican hypocrite?
SHANNON, MY COCKTAIL, PLEASE… Playboy will dive into the energy drink business with a concoction made from ginseng root, guarana, and damiana leaf. All of which Hef ingests in large amounts before sex and swears by.
JUNO IS BUSTING OUT ALL OVER… The Nielson ratings for the Academy Awards telecast were the lowest in the history of the event. Turned out to be No Country for Viewers -- Old or Young.
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OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD GREEN YONDER… Virgin Atlantic Airways has successfully completed the first bio fuel-powered jumbo jet flight from London to Amsterdam. And they were able to refuel in flight using fumes from the rancid Chicken Kiev served in Tourist.
MALLOX & BAGELS… Burger King will soon unveil their Angry Bacon and Cheese Whopper made with jalapeno flavored fried onions, pepper jack cheese and hot sauce. Sounds like bio fuel. (See previous item)
EXACT CHANGE REQUIRED… Relatives of a 44-year old passenger who died on an American Airlines flight to New York from Haiti claim she was denied oxygen and then given two empty tanks. Not quite what happened according to witnesses. In Tourist oxygen is available only from coin operated vending machines and the lady was fresh out of quarters.
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CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?… Scientists at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation reported in the Journal Fertility and Sterility that men who use cell phones four or more hours daily have reduced sperm counts. Nokia immediately came out with their new “One Night Stand” model which they’re advertising as a male birth control device.
MOVIN ON OUT!… Reprising the 2004 Broadway hit based on Lorraine Hansberry’s 1959 play which was later brought to the big screen, ABC will air a TV version of “A Raisin in the Sun.” Not to be confused with the McCain campaign documentary called “Prunes on the Straight Talk Express.”
COLOR PURPLE RAGE… According to US News & World Report’s “Airport Misery Index,” Chicago’s O’Hare provides the country’s most ghastly travel experience. Must be awful. Even Oprah Winfrey refuses to use it.
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FURRIER… A company called FortiFido has developed designer spring water bottled especially for dogs that comes in three flavors -- Old Shoe, Kitty Doo-Doo and Toilet.
TAIL GUNNER JOE… An American Enterprise Institute survey recently found that only 51% of 17-year olds can identify Sen. Joseph McCarthy. Even more alarming, 38% of those identified the author of “Give me liberty or give me death!” as Patrick Henry Winkler.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR… Tickets for any of the three masses that Pope Benedict XVI will host in New York and Washington during his visit to the US in April are extremely scarce if not completely unavailable. But if you’re really set on attending, you might try Ticketmaster -- er, sorry, I mean -- TicketLordandMaster.
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ROLL ’EM!… Vatican Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone flew to Havana and met with Raul Castro to mark the 10th anniversary of the pope’s last visit to Cuba. Topics discussed included leases on Church property, Fidel’s path to sainthood and renegotiation of the price Pope Ben pays for Cuban cigars.
NOT MARCHING IN… American are switching religions or leaving organized religion at an alarming rate says the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life. It’s really getting pretty scary for the God business. For the first time in history, the New Orleans Saints have more fans than the original ones.
THERE’S AN AWFUL LOT IN BRAZIL… Faced with declining sales an an economy that continues its downward spiral, Starbuck’s will soon offer a regular cup of java for $1. Great if you don’t mind using a cup with “Unhip Loser” printed on it.
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SHOP ‘TIL YOU AT LEAST GET DIZZY… A University of Texas study of evolutionary psychology found that women cope with romantic rejection by shopping. Usually for a new outfit to attract the same class of loser that just dropped her.
MOONWALKING MY BABY BACK HOME… Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, CA will be auctioned off to satisfy the $245 million he still owes on it. The successful bidder will receive the ranch house, the outbuildings, the carrousel and three slightly used, one-size-fits-all noses.
IS THAT A SCALPEL OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?… Pet owners in Los Angeles will be required to spay and neuter their animals within four months of birth or face a fine of $500 and 40 hours of community service. An addendum to the new law calls for the neutering of all Hollywood luminaries who spend more time in rehab than at PTA meetings.
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1 comment:
$500 per hour so nice where to join thanks for sharing
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