FRIDAY, February 8, 2008

FINITO… Despite spending $50 million on a well-organized campaign, Romney discovers that money won’t buy votes from people who perceive you as being made of plastic. According to campaign insiders, Mitt’s decision to flick it in was sealed when he failed to come to terms with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform at his inauguration.

O.A.C… Unable to remain competitive with Obama’s fund-raising, Hillary has dipped into her own funds, loaning $5 million to the campaign. No word on what her bank required as security, but yesterday Bill was spotted wearing an ankle bracelet.

ANCHOR BOY… McCain told “Meet the Press” that he doesn’t understand economics. He also predicted that US forces would still be in Iraq 100 years from now. Hey, Jack is the first to admit that he’s not the sharpest pin on the bulletin board, having graduated near the bottom of his class at Annapolis. In fact, his grades were so bad, when the graduates tossed their hats in the air, his didn’t come back.

“And the other lesson is that there are people who can’t stand what America stands for, and desire to conflict great harm on the American people.”

George W. Bush 8/1/2003 Pittsburgh, PA

LIARS ANONYMOUS… The director of the CIA admitted to a congressional committee that waterboarding was used to interrogate al-Qaeda suspects at Guantanamo, “reinterpreting” his previous testimony. He explained that when he was first questioned, he thought they said “surfboarding.”

THOSE WHO CAN’T, TEACH… In an attempt to improve on failed US efforts to rebuild the war torn country, the Bush administration is funding a training program for the Iraqi government that will provide instruction on budget management, purchasing goods and services through competitive bidding and recruiting and maintaining a workforce. The Pentagon has named the program “Operation Blind Leading the Blind.”

BRADY’S BUNCH… Following their upset defeat by the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, New England Patriot’s fans are blaming quarterback Tom Brady’s poor performance on his girlfriend, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. It was obvious. Too much pre-game bundchening.

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RODENT ROSTER… On the eve of China’s “Year of the Rat,” The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals petitioned the Peoples Republic of China to improve conditions at scientific research facilities and to require more humane use of laboratory rats. You can contribute too. Take a lawyer to lunch.

LATTE WITH SPRINKLES… To counter increasing competition from McDonald’s, Starbuck’s will introduce a new line of “designer donuts” including chocolate, vanilla, caramel and apple fritter. To preserve their exclusive image, they’ll be sold only to cops from elite agencies like the FBI, Scotland Yard, the Surete, Interpol…

FRIENDLY SKIES… New York’s JFK Airport is the first major US hub to provide vending machines offering kosher items like potato knish, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and pizza rolls. If the machines are profitable, next they’ll offer brisses performed by Hari Krishnas.

GREAT TO BEAT YOUR FEET… The Mississippi legislature is considering a bill that would penalize restaurants that serve the obese who make up 30% of the state’s population. Where will it end? Overweight customers without shoes are already required to use the drive-thru.

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STAIR STEP… An Australian woman won New York’s annual Empire State Building Run Up, covering the building’s 86 stories and 1576 steps in 12 minutes, 44 seconds -- shaving six seconds from the previous record set by Larry Craig while trying to find an unlocked men’s room.

PROBLEMS, HOUSTON… Recognizing a need to burnish an image tarnished by aberrant behavior of rogue astronauts, NASA now requires job applicants to demonstrate, along with their piloting skills, good judgment, a sense of humor and empathy toward others. They must be serious. They’ve hired Dr. Phil to conduct the interviews.

RIGHT AWAY, SAHIB… Working entirely by phone from offices in Bangalore and Hyderabad, India, “TTK Get Friday” provides personal assistants for clients in the US. Great if you do most of your business in a 7-Eleven.

DITTOHEAD… The death of actor Heath Ledger has been officially attributed to a deadly mix of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, diazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine. Heath’s friends were shocked to say the least. They had no idea that he even KNEW Rush Limbaugh.

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