MONDAY, February 25, 2008

BOARDWALK DELI… Responding to complaints from the Palestinians, Hasbro apologized and withdrew “Jerusalem, Israel” from its list of cities to be used in their new World Edition Monopoly Game. Remaining, however, is a new penalty card that says “PAY $200 -- DO NOT PASS THE GOLAN HEIGHTS.”

OL’ TURKEY BUZZARD… A real estate agency in Englewood, FL is offering champagne limousine tours of homes with foreclosed mortgages along with instructions on snapping up someone else’s misfortune at bargain basement prices. “We’re just responding to public demand. It’s nothing personal,” said Phil Carrion, V.P. in charge of Century 21’s new subsidiary “Vultures-R-Us.”

ELDER ABUSE… McCain told his supporters, “I hope Castro dies soon.” Aides say he’s mad because Warner Bros. wants to team him up with Fidel for a sequel to “The Bucket List.”

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B.O. POISON… Since the 2003 box office success of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ,” there have been no profitable films based on religious themes. Says religious author and broadcaster Dick Staub “Hollywood producers have no clue how conservative religious people think.” Maybe they should ease up on the prayer in classrooms and concentrate on theaters.

DESIGNATED TENANT… A property owner near the campus of Minnesota’s St. Cloud State University will not rent to students until they complete an alcohol awareness course on the dangers of binge drinking. Seems he learned his lesson the hard way after renting a frat house to Delta Kappa Smirnoff.

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY… On the final stop of his five-country tour of Africa, Bush told the victims of war-torn Liberia “It’s easier to tear a country down than it is to rebuild a country.” Really easy when you get on-the-job training.

“We need to apply 21st century information technology to the health care field. We need to have our medical records put on the I.T.”

George W. Bush 1/5/2005 Collinsville, Ill.

NO COMMENTO, POR FAVOR… L.A. mayor Villaraigosa’s former mistress, Mirthala Salinas, sacked as a field reporter for Telemundo when their relationship came to light, has landed a job at a Spanish language radio station. Though refusing to comment on her affair with the married politico, the name of her new show seems telling: “Good Morning, Antonio!”

DECAFFEINATED… Starbucks plans to eliminate 600 jobs from its 170,000 workforce. Mostly non-essential staff such as cardboard heat sleeve inspectors… espresso foam controllers… undercover aroma evaluators…

LOVE BOAT LAWMAN… The California Legislature is considering a bill that would require cruise ships departing from west coast ports to have a police officer aboard to investigate crimes committed at sea. An addendum to the measure would require armed guards from Jenny Craig to monitor the Midnight Buffet.

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