FRIDAY, February 22, 2008

SEALY POSTURPEDICS… McCain is vehemently denying allegations contained in a New York Times article that claims he was engaging in sexual hanky panky with a lobbyist while supporting legislation in the Senate that she was championing. Ridiculous! Not to mention physically impossible. Everyone in Washington knows Jack was in bed with so many lobbyists at the time, his hanky would have no doubt become tangled up in someone else’s panky.

YOU WIN THE CUPIE DOLL!… In a rare display of military precision, a sea-to-air missile fired from the cruiser USS Lake Erie successfully shot down a 500 pound, bus sized spy satellite that had threatened to plunge to earth uncontrolled. A Navy spokesman, attempting to explain in laymen’s terms the technical difficulties inherent in such a launch, compared it to Dick Cheney trying to get a bead on a hunting buddy after a couple of beers while relying on a pacemaker with low batteries.

ROYAL FLUSH… Mohamed Fayed, father of Princess Di’s fiance, Doti, testified at an inquest into their deaths that the British royal family conspired to have them killed, accusing Prince Philip of being a “racist” and a “Nazi” and that Prince Charles “participated in the conspiracy in order to be free to marry his crocodile wife, Camilla Parker Bowles.” Well, Harrod’s or no Harrod’s, he can kiss that knighthood goodbye.

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ATSA SPICY MEAT BALL!… Capping an intensive investigation and months of clandestine surveillance, Italian police in Reggio Calabria arrested organized crime syndicate boss Pasquale Condello, who had been eluding capture since 1988. For decades, he was considered to be Italy’s most notorious fugitive -- unless you count pedophile priest juggler Cardinal Bernie Law who sought sanctuary in the Vatican and got it.

CAMELOTTO… The Dallas, TX District Attorney has released the contents of a safe sealed in 1963 and containing items collected after the Kennedy assassination. Nothing much here unless -- no, I’m sure it’s nothing -- unless that check for $500,000 made out to Lee Harvey Oswald and signed by LBJ turns out to be something.

CODE BLUE!… On February 26, Starbuck’s will close all 7100 stores between 5:30 and 8:30 pm to retrain its 135,000 employees in company procedures, executing which, some had become sloppy. The US Surgeon General has ordered all ER’s at major hospitals and clinics to provide free espresso IV’s and cappuccino suppositories to qualified Medicare recipients.

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ARE WE THERE YET?… During his current tour of Africa, Bush was entertained by Masai warriors in Tanzania as he promoted a $425 million US-sponsored program to eradicate malaria. But aides said later he was crestfallen when the Secret Service denied his request to visit the birthplace of Little Richard and tour the set of “Mogambo.”

CLOSE CALL… One hundred and one years ago this week, President Teddy Roosevelt signed the Immigration Bill which excluded “idiots, imbeciles, and the feeble minded.” Think Bush realizes how lucky he was being born here?

AL QAEDASCOPE… Carl Rove told an interviewer that “Years from now, people will thank God that Bush invaded Iraq.” Unfortunately, they’ll be kneeling on prayer rugs, adjusting their dynamite vests, and facing Mecca… but…

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

George W. Bush 12/20/2000 Washington, DC


BABALOO… Within an hour after Fidel Castro announced his retirement, John McCain declared the Bay of Pigs a success. Hey, as you recall, he had predicted it would take at least 100 years.

BRAIN GAMES… A new study shows that women focus on weather, health and safety while men prefer to think about sports, politics and international affairs. And that’s just during sex.

OH, THANK HEAVEN… According to the Immigration and Naturalization Service, 270,000 immigrants from India have remained in the US illegally by failing to comply with the terms of their visas -- a 125% rise since 2000. May be a coincidence, but the number of new 7-Elevens has gone up by the same percentage.

CARUMBA… In the wake of Castro’s retirement, cruise lines are poised to pressure the Democratic congress to open Cuba to American tourists. Royal-Caribbean has already launched their new 2500-passenger “SS Lucy and Desi.”

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GILDING THE CAGE… Martha Stewart Omnimedia has purchased Emeril Lagasse cookbooks, TV shows and line of kitchen products for $50 million. Martha has high hopes for a cookbook she’s currently co-writing with Emeril aimed at prison inmates entitled “Stirring the Pot While in Stir.”

STOGIES 1-A… A new CDC study shows that 14% of high school students in the US smoke cigars. Most popular is the “Clinton-Lewinsky Panatela” from Tiperillo.

PUT ‘ER THERE, PAL!… A female lawyer in Florida has been charged with assaulting her husband’s courtroom prosecutor by shaking his hand so hard, she dislocated his shoulder. I know what you’re thinking -- snakes have shoulders? They can shake hands?

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SPLIT SCREEN… New “Dancing With the Stars” contestants include radio host Adam Corolla, comedian Steve Guttenberg, tennis star Monica Seles, ice skater Kristie Yamaguchi and magician Penn Jillette. But producers are having trouble finding a partner for Penn. He keeps sawing them in half.

GOOD VIBES… The 105th annual International Toy Fair capped a successful week in New York City. Most positive buzz came from Mattel’s new line of “Boudoir Barbie” sex toys.

HOLY PICES!… The Florida Board of Education will soon decide whether evolution should be taught as mere theory or as imperial fact. You know, based on verifiable scientific evidence -- like, say, astrology.

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