HEY, HEY, HEY… Henry Winkler testified in the wrongful death civil suit brought against the doctors who failed to recognize the aortic rupture that killed John Ritter. Actually, not much spoken testimony -- mostly finger snapping.
JARHEAD COUNT… The city council in Berkeley, CA approved a resolution declaring the Marine Corps, seeking to establish a recruiting office near the campus of the University of California, “unwelcome intruders.” The Corps immediately responded by amending their hymn which now goes “From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Berkeley… “
________________________________________________
“In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn’t serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences.”
George W. Bush 2/8/2004 “Meet the Press”
[] For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
________________________________________________
SQUEEZED… The Senate Ethics Committee has issued a formal censure of Larry Craig, accusing him of “improper conduct that reflects discreditably upon the chamber.” To underscore their displeasure with their “I am not gay” colleague, they had the censure printed on a long strip of Charmin.
BONZAI!… Antonin Scalia dropped a bombshell during an interview with a BBC reporter in London when he declared that “sticking something under the fingernails or a smack in the face” would not violate constitutional prohibitions of cruel or unusual punishment. He then demonstrated his position by jamming a sharpened bamboo shoot left over from his chicken teriyaki lunch under the thumbnail of his clerk, Guido “Stumpy Digits” Frappitini.
WILL YOU STILL LOVE ME?… In news from across the pond, the five-day Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce trial got underway in London to divide up the couple’s assets, estimated to be $1.6 billion. At the Old Baileys’ Magistrate Court of Obscenely Excessive Rock ’N’ Roll Fortunes.
________________________________________________
[] Want to receive an e-mail copy of this blog once a week? Send a blank e-mail message to:
Funnysideup-subscribe@topica.com
________________________________________________
G’DAY, MATE!… Australia has formally apologized to its indigenous Aborigines “for inflicting profound grief” upon them. But so far, no “I’m sorry” for inflicting Mel Gibson upon us.
FRAMED… Robbers broke into a Zurich art museum and made off with “Poppy Field at Vetheuil” by Monet, “Blooming Chestnut Branches” by van Gogh, “Boy in the Red Waist Coat” by Cezanne, and “Ludovic Lepic and His Daughters” by Degas. Police are now examining “Art Heist Caught on Surveillance Camera” by Hitachi.
DUCK!… Two Russian Tupolev 95 bombers from Ukrainka flew threateningly close to a US aircraft carrier in the western Pacific. So close, one of them almost clipped the “Mission Accomplished” sign still draped across the flight deck.
________________________________________________
[] FREE MEMBERSHIP: Subscribers in California, Las Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, New York and Boston (or those planning to visit) are invited to join Goldstar Events, a website offering drastically reduced tickets to major entertainment venues including live theater, comedy, sports, music and much more! Your FREE MEMBERSHIP includes e-mail notification of events opening near you. You'll love this online service that allows you to print your own tickets, often for about the cost of a movie! Check it out now!
https://www.goldstarevents.com/join?p=F471918RP
________________________________________________
SECRETARY OF THREADS… In an attempt to steady a campaign that’s suddenly floundering, Hillary Clinton sacked her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle and replaced her with Maggie Williams. But Hill insists that Patti will remain an important member of her staff -- as her new Pant Suit Color Coordinator.
HAIL TO THE CHIEF… Huckabee claims he’s more qualified than McCain to become commander-in-chief because he commanded the Arkansas National Guard as governor. True. He led the elite 118th Little Rock Fusiliers when they invaded Memphis, surrounded Graceland, and forced Col. Parker to surrender Elvis.
WHEELS OF MISFORTUNE… Drivers of non-fuel efficient vehicles like Rolls Royces and Bentleys will be charged $50 a day to enter central London. More if Amy Winehouse is behind the wheel.
________________________________________________
[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am PT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
________________________________________________
SIBLING REVELRY… Police in Malibu, CA booked Barron Nicholas Hilton, brother of Paris, on a DUI charge after spotting his Mercedes weaving erratically. The Barron explained to the arresting officers that he resorted to mind-numbing substances after watching Sissy’s new movie.
CHINESE CHECKER… Steven Spielberg has resigned as “artistic advisor” to the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, citing the Chinese government’s policies in Sudan and Darfur. Steve was already mad at them for allowing scenes from “Jaws” to be used without permission to promote shark fin soup in Shanghai’s Five Star restaurant district.
HEIMLICH TIME… In his quest to miss the cut at last weekend‘s AT&T National Pro-Am in Pebble Beach, Phil Mickelson posted an 11 on the par five 14th . At the same time, Greg Norman was also choking, but he was choking on Crissy Evert.
ROLLIN,’ ROLLIN,’ ROLLIN’… Some of the 75,000 travel trailers purchased for the victims of Katrina will be used to provide housing for tornado survivors in Arkansas and Tennessee. All are 32-foot “Great Job, Brownie” models from Winnebago Industries.
________________________________________________
[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
________________________________________________
No comments:
Post a Comment