NO WAY OUT… Government intelligence experts have lost track of one of their spy satellites the size of a city bus. Observers at NASA believed they had spotted it when they observed a flaming wreck hurtling through the night sky -- but it just turned out to be Sean Young.
STRAIGHT FLUSH… Mormon President/Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley, believed by his followers to be the 15th reincarnation of cult founder Joseph Smith, has died in Salt lake City at age 97. Not totally unexpected. Lately, he’s been missing his Friday night poker games with Pope Ben, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop of Canterbury.
RHODE ISLAND REDS… After months of protest by the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a trappist monastery in Moncks Corner, SC has closed down its chicken farm. Seems that hens who fell behind in their egg-laying quota were being nailed to a tiny cross.
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“I’ve reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”
George W. Bush 6/29/2006 Washington, DC
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CONTINENTS APART… Finishing second to John McCain in the Florida primary, Romney dragged out his stump speech to help cheer up his disappointed campaign staffers and included this gem on the plummeting value of the American dollar: “Now we’re threatened by other countries like Asia and India.” Run for your lives! BUSH HAS A TWIN!
RUDY AWAKENING… Capping off what’s being called the worst political miscalculation in history, despite a week spent crisscrossing the state with his girlfriend dressed as Lucy and Desi, Giuliani was unable to attract enough former New Yorkers and displaced Cubans to make a successful showing in the Florida primary. Aides were quick to admit that he probably should have spent more time mounting a viable national campaign and less time mounting Judith Nathan.
TICK, TICK, TICK… CBS’s Mike Wallace underwent triple heart bypass surgery in New York City. Doctors admit they were astounded at the swift recovery of the eighty-nine year old TV legend. While still lying in the ICU, he taped a “60 Minutes” segment on why so many working class Americans can’t afford health insurance.
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EARLY DRAFT PICKS… Heath Ledger is being called the first “internet cult figure death” and the debate has already begun over whether he’ll join the ranks of the perpetual icons who were “taken from us too soon” like Elvis, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon or be assigned to the B list to join Freddie Prinze, River Phoenix, John Candy and Chris Farley. Or, heaven forbid, be forced to join the ranks of prominent accountants who were taken prematurely like Skeeter Forbes, Stanton Gilhooly, Frasier Tucker, Lars Frampton and Harvard Swine. Only time will tell.
CHEEKY… Over the vehement objections of Turkey’s Muslim population, the Turkish Parliament is expected to remove a decades-old ban on college co-eds wearing head scarves. In an attempt to dampen soaring video sales of “Istanbul Girls Gone Wild.”
SCIENBICOLOGY… Tom Cruise will receive the first Dukati Desmosedici RR motorcycle made of lightweight titanium, magnesium and carbon fiber. The high speed bike that will sell for $72,500 was designed by Tom himself and is shaped like Oprah’s couch.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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TINKER TAILOR… Mens clothing designer Bill Belew, who was responsible for Elvis’s colorful sequined jumpsuits, stiff pointed collars and tight bellbottoms, has died at age 76. While collecting hefty designer fees, Bill also enjoyed a lucrative career just letting them out.
SNUFF SAID… A new study on penology conducted by the Oregon Social Learning Center shows that 48% of prison inmates currently serving time have relatives who are also in prison or on parole. Which explains the Texas Department of Correction’s new “Lethal Injection Family Plan” that includes two-for-one last meals and roll in gurneys at no extra charge.
SKIN GAME… Managing to remain undetected for over twenty years, George Golenhalgh, 84, along with his 83 year old wife and 40 year old son working out of a studio in Bolton, England, created counterfeit art objects which they sold to unsuspecting museums and collectors. The objects included gold and silver items from Anglo-Saxon times, statues and paintings by Henry Moore and Barbara Hapworth. Then, for some reason still unexplained, they decided to try passing off those three Norman Rockwell nudes.
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SPRINKLES… Eight patrons in South Los Angeles were injured when a driver inexplicably lost control of his car and crashed through the front window of a crowded “Donuts World.” Police responded quickly -- oh, I’m sorry -- they were already there.
NUT SHELLING… Brijit.com is a new website that will condense magazine articles into a single paragraph for those who don’t have the time to read them in full. It was the idea of a guy who used to work at the White House removing the big words from Bush’s intelligence reports.
ONE GOOD TURN… There are reports circulating that Angelina Jolie is with child. Already three African women have offered to adopt it.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour news radio for the blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
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STIFFS… Pizza Hut has unveiled a new pizza tracker system that will allow you to check on the progress of your order. It also tracks your tip and, if it’s deemed insufficient, automatically places your photo on the wall of the Post Office.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD THINNERS… Overjoyed at the box office success of his third Rambo sequel, Lions Gate is negotiating with Sylvester Stallone for a fourth. The script, already being worked on, will reportedly pit Sly against a gang of Russian bandits who are terrorizing Early Bird Dinner customers at a Leisure World Denny’s.
WORDPLAY… The earliest written language according to leading linguistic anthropologists are Chinese and Greek. They base their opinion on a faded menu from a Qin Dynasty Peking duck restaurant and several monogrammed grape leaves from a bath house in Athens.
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[] This special edition of Bereft on the Left is being posted to take advantage of a unique opportunity to help a volunteer organization that we mention often in the column, the LOS ANGELES RADIO READING SERVICE FOR THE BLIND. Co-sponsored by Parade Magazine and the Case Foundation, the “American Giving Challenge” will award $500,000 in grants to the non-profit applicants who receive the greatest number of online responses before 3pm ET, January 31. For more about the contest and how you can help, go to: www.parade.com/givingchallenge
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CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR… Jerome Kerviel, an undistinguished entry level trader with Societe Generale Bank in Paris, is estimated to have amassed losses of $7.2 billion in what is being called “the largest fraud in the history of modern banking.“ An impressive amount of waste for sure, but child’s play when compared to our undistinguished entry level president’s “largest fraud in the history of modern warfare.”
HENHOUSE FOX… Paul Wolfowitz, one of the chief architects of Bush’s dismally executed quagmire of an Iraq War, has been named head of the International Security Advisory Board. Pardon me, but isn’t that a tad like naming Cardinal Mahoney Head Master of Boystown?
THAT’S MY BOY! George I, the Bush who previously occupied the Oval Office, visited Newport News Naval Shipyard to witness the fitting out of the aircraft carrier that will bear his name. While there, he watched “GEORGE II” being painted on the bow of the captain’s dinghy.
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“I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.”
George W. Bush 2/25/2000 CBS News
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BLUFFING FOR PEACE… A former FBI interrogator tells “60 Minutes” that Saddam Hussein pretended to have WMD in order to keep Iran at bay. Kind of like the way Bush pretends to have a strong enough economy to keep China at bay.
TEAR DOWN THAT WALL! Hamas-led militants breached fortifications along the Gaza-Egyptian border for the second time, sending the Egyptian army scurrying for cover. But Israel is not taking this sitting down. Yesterday, they hired two American border security experts as advisors -- Pat Buchanan and Lou Dobbs .
NEW LEAF… Papal advisor Monsignor Guido Marini has assured nervous Catholics that the current pontiff has no intention of reversing the progressive reforms instituted by Pope John-Paul XXIII in the Second Vatican Council, but rather “… desires to return precious elements that have been lost or forgotten.” Like, you know, the Latin mass… Gregorian Chant… priests who don’t molest kids…
HAPPIER DAYS… The City of Milwaukee collected $85,000 in donations to pay for a bronze statue of Henry Winkler in his “Fonzie“ costume. In a related story, Ron Howard had his Oscars melted down into a coffee table.
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SHIVER ME TIMBERS… Britain’s Royal Thames Yacht Club has lodged a challenge with the Societe Nautique de Geneve after America’s Cup challenger Desafio Espanol was disqualified. Seems the squad from Madrid had an extra jib, excessive canvass in their mizzenmast and were wearing Sperry Topsiders from last season’s collection.
SWEET SUITES… For the seventh consecutive year, Chicago’s Ritz-Carlton has captured the top ranking on the prestigious Conde Nast Travelers Best Hotel List. Bringing up the rear is first-timer Pete’s Bed, Bath & Vacuum Repair in Boca Raton.
SMALL TOWN VALUES… Demographers at the University of New Hampshire’s Casey Research Institute have discovered that troops from sparsely populated rural areas are dying in Iraq and Afghanistan in numbers grossly disproportionate to those from urban centers. Thanks mainly to members of Congress whose virtually non-existent sacrifice of kin for the cause has skewed the numbers.
POSTER BOY… Bush told USA Today: “I am raising a lot of money for the Republican Party.” Not nearly as much as you’ve raised for the opposition, Skippy.
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HOSED… Firemen responding quickly to a blaze that broke out on the roof of the Monte Carlo Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas were able to douse the flames before anyone was injured. But not before they began melting Joan Rivers.
FILM FLAM… Oscar nominations are out with Best Picture nods going to “Atonement,” “Juno,” “Michael Clayton,” “No Country For Old Men,” and “There Will Be Blood.” Tom Cruise was reportedly put under sedation after being told Katie failed to land a supporting nod for “Mad Money.”
HE’S GRRRRRRREAT! Former net nemesis John McEnroe is appearing in television commercials for Kellogg’s All Bran Cereal. In the latest one, he sucker punches Tony the Tiger… kicks Cap’n Crunch in the niblets… and Karate chops Crackle and Pop before Snap drops him with a taser gun.
GUNGA COUMADIN… In a life-or-death struggle with wrinkles and sagging abs, Sylvester Stallone admits that he injected human growth hormones to prepare for his upcoming Rambo sequel and claims that they will be sold over-the-counter within ten years. You know, like Viagra, Huggies, Preparation-H Hand Wipes…
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EQUIPMENT LOCKER… Dallas quarterback Tony Romo has reportedly been dumped by his actress girlfriend Jessica Simpson. According to insiders, Jessica found a Dallas Cheerleader among the balls in that canvass bag he told her he had to take to work every day.
SEND ME NO KISSES… Hershey Chocolates has announced that they will cease production of their popular “Ice Breaker” packets after law enforcement officials complained that they resemble packets of cocaine. The cops discovered the problem when Whitney Houston paid $700 for a kilo of them.
TRACK 49... Bush will say in his State of the Union Address: “When all is said and done, I will have finished it with all my soul and all my might.” Yeah, the Little War Machine That Could.
COLLATERAL DAMAGE… A motorist in Spain who killed a cyclist while driving 100 mph in a 56 mph zone is suing the victim’s family for body damage to his Audi A-8 luxury sedan. In a related story, Britney Spears has sued that paparazzi photographer for damaging her front tire with his foot.
CLOSE CALL… A 500-foot long asteroid known as TU-24 will pass within 334,000 miles of the earth on Tuesday. A spokesman at NASA explained in laymen's terms that it’s similar to Rosey O’Donnell passing within shouting distance of Donald Trump.
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LONG DAY’S DAY… Told that he would have to cut two minutes from his song, Ringo Starr walked off the set of “Live With Regis & Kelly.” Producers blamed a breakdown in communications. Ringo speaks fluent Liverpoolian while Regis and Kelly speak a dialect of daytime talk show gibberish.
WAX ATTACK… A wax figure of the late Evel Knieval was unveiled at Madame Tussaud’s in Las Vegas. The legendary bone bender is shown perched on a wax Harley, jumping over wax figures of Jackie Gleason, Orson Welles and Marlon Brando.
MIXED BLESSING… The American Heart Association has issued a report showing that heart attack deaths have gone down 25 % since 1999. That’s the good news. The bad news -- Dick Cheney.
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“My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of national debt.”
George W. Bush 2/27/2001 Washington, DC
[] For hundreds of authentic, idiotic quotes like this, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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SPARE A DIME? Cities in Texas, Tennessee, Florida and North Carolina are stepping up efforts to criminalize panhandling. And the penalties can be especially harsh. For instance in Waco, Texas, military veterans caught begging are sent back to Iraq. Paraplegics are routinely forced to vacate their choice freeway overpass home sites.
SAY AMEN! A right wing Christian evangelical group claims that Heath Ledger “is now burning in hell for eternity” for playing a homosexual in “Broke Back Mountain” and is threatening to picket the Oscars to dramatize their moral disgust over film industry praise for the young actor. The pulpit pounders have also condemned Susanne Pleshette for playing Bob Newhart’s wife while everyone knew he was already married.
HUCKATAPPED… GOP presidential candidate and evangelical guru Mike Huckabee is out of money and won’t run TV ads in Florida. Perhaps a little less attention to intelligent design and a tad more attention to intelligent fund raising might be in order.
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98. ALBACORE… A study conducted by the New York Times found that many upscale sushi restaurants in Manhattan regularly serve raw tuna tainted with mercury. Investigators first became suspicious when they noticed several sushi chefs taking each others’ temperature with a California roll.
TANG ME… Stung by last year’s revelations that astronauts had flown while drunk, NASA conducted their own internal investigation which, not surprisingly, found no evidence of inter-galactic imbibing. But just to be on the safe side, space suits are being redesigned to remove pockets that could conceal cocktail glasses, swizzle sticks, crushed ice and garnish.
HERE SHE COMES… Famed designer Valentino has announced that he’s hanging up his tape measure and boxing his chalk after forty-five years at the fashion forefront. A truly remarkable career that represents 9.7 tons of fabric… 2650 spools of thread… 154,000 buttons… and about 38 pounds of runway models.
GOING MY WAY… Oceanographers at the National Academy of Sciences tagged a leatherback turtle off the coast of Indonesia and later discovered the amphibian had migrated 13,000 miles across the Pacific to the Oregon coast. But his record was later disallowed when they discovered he had hitched a ride on Princess Cruises’ Monarch of the Seas.
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[] COMMENTS? SUGGESTIONS? ECCLESIASTICAL REBUTTALS? Send ‘em all to:
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STALLING FOR TIME… California’s John Wayne Airport will set up temporary, portable voting booths during the presidential primary to accommodate travelers unable to vote at home. The booths are roomy, comfortable and completely “Larry-Craig-proofed.”
A DREAM… To celebrate the slain civil rights leader’s birthday, Bush visited the Martin Luther King Memorial Library in Memphis. Addressing a crowd of supporters on the museum steps, Goofy told them that he’s always considered King “the finest host in the history of CNN or any other TV distributor.”
SCI FI… Oliver Stone has announced that he’s working on a script dramatizing the life of George W. Bush. Joining Quintin Tarrantino’s “Natural Born Killers II,” based on the Bush administration’s conduct of the Iraq war.
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“A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.”
George W. Bush 9/18/2000 CBS’ “The Edge”
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MISCAST… Unable to invoke voter interest in any primary state, Fred Thompson has pulled the plug on his bid for the Oval Office. But he did learn a lot. He found out that limited acting talent just isn’t enough to convince people you really give a damn.
COM‘ON DOWN… Meanwhile, Giuliani has been concentrating his efforts on Florida where he hopes that former New Yorkers who have moved there will help him win. No word yet on how he plans to keep them alive long enough to vote.
BOREDWALK… The Milton Bradley Co. has launched a contest to name 68 cities for its new “Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition” which goes on sale February 28 in 45 countries. The new “Get Out of Jail Free Card” will be named for either Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Keifer Sutherland.
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
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(866) 732-3585
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PAPER OR CLOTH?… Following the example of San Francisco and Beijing, the Whole Foods supermarket chain has banned plastic bags for groceries. A further indication of their aversion to anything plastic, last week they banned Mitt Romney.
CULTURAL REVOLUTION… After two consecutive years of declining attendance, Hong Kong Disneyland has redesigned Mickey Mouse, dressing him in a red Mao jacket. And they didn’t stop there. Snow White’s seven dwarfs have been replaced by a Gang of Four.
BURUMPBUMP… A group of Israeli and Palestrinian standup comedians have begun a two-month, 15 city tour of college campuses, comedy clubs and county fairs. They’re staying at the same hotels, but out of habit, the Israeli comics keep cutting off the Palestinians’ room service.
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FLAG DRAPED… The Army proudly announced that 356, or three quarters of Baghdad’s 418 neighborhoods have been secured. Let’s see -- with the US troop death count now at 3920, that works out to a cost of approximately 72.84 American deaths per secure neighborhood. Not too bad. That’s just about what it took get the Bronx and Brooklyn under control.
SONAR, BEEN GOOD TO KNOW YOU… Bush issued an executive order exempting the Navy from regulations that had protected whales off the coast of California from underwater sonar that was causing them to beach themselves during training exercises. Beached whales or no beached whales, we’re talking protection from Iranian gun boats here.
GIFT HORSE’S MOUTH… In response to a plummeting stock market, record unemployment and home mortgage foreclosures, spiraling gas prices and a sinking dollar, Bush predicts things will be “just fine” if Congress approves his $150 billion “stimulus package” which will provide taxpayer relief and a tax incentives for business investment. Pardon me, but isn’t this a little like the captain of the Titanic offering the passengers free swimming lessons?
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“The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.”
George W. Bush 9/13/2000 Westminster, CA
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DROPPED CALLS… Sprint Nextel stock dropped 25% on the announcement that the cell phone server will ax 4000 employees and shutter 125 outlets nationwide. Can you hear me now?
NOOSE NOOZE… Dave Senor, editor of Golfweek Magazine, was fired after publishing a cover photo of a noose to illustrate the story of the Golf Channel’s Kelly Tieghman telling young pros to “take Tiger Woods in a back alley and lynch him.” Not much of a surprise here since Dave was already on thin ice for his habit of constantly referring to the Masters Tournament as “the Massa’s.“
LOCK & LOAD… Duncan Hunter, longtime Congressman and Reagan-era hack who seriously proposed turning Catalina Island into a government owned shooting gallery stocked with game so disabled military veterans could hunt them, has withdrawn from the presidential race. Sad. Now all those disabled vets will have to settle for occasional hunting trips with Dick Cheney.
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[] Catch Bob's weekly on-line radio show "INSIDE TELEVISION" for the latest articles, celebrity profiles and interviews Thursday mornings from 8:20 to 9:00 am. PDT. LARRS, the all-volunteer, commercial free, non-profit Los Angeles Radio Reading Service is 24-hour Newsradio for the Blind, an affiliate of Minnesota's
Radio Talking Book Network. Check it out. We welcome your support.
www.larrs.org
password: independence
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LEAP OF FAITH… Richard Knerr, inventor of the Frisbee, has died at the age of 82. Following a brief memorial service at a park near his home, his ashes were placed in a plastic disk which was tossed so his dog could try to catch it.
SPANISH EYES… Priests sprinkling holy water blessed hundreds of pets as Catholics gathered for the annual Feast Day of San Anton, Spain’s patron saint of animals. Next week marks the Feast Day of San Alpo, the patron saint of tainted pet food from China.
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[] Did you know you have free access to our
on-line dictionary/thesaurus/encyclopedia?
It’s located just below “Word of the Day.”
CELL SHOCK… A Las Vegas judge refused to release OJ Simpson who was jailed after he violated an order not to communicate with his co-defendants. Worse for the Juice, she doubled his bail from $125,000 to $250,000. The infamous running back may get his vengeance, though. He’s teaching his cell mates how to sneak up behind guards, slit their throats and get away with it.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY… Bush met with Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah and pledged $30 billion in US military aid. The king reciprocated by presenting Bush with the coveted King Abdul Aziz Order of Merit -- in unabashed appreciation for Bush’s invading Iraq to deflect attention from the Saudis responsible for 9/11.
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS… To mark the Bush visit, Israeli military units staged a raid on Palestine, killing eighteen. I think I prefer the 21-gun salutes that were just fired into the air, don’t you?
GRAND OL’ OPRAH… Oprah Winfrey will link up with the Discovery Channel to launch a new outlet in 2009 to be called the OWN Channel. It will offer an eclectic mix of news, sports, pop culture, talk, comedy and a continuous showing of “The Color Purple.”
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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TICKER TAPE… Scientists at the University of Minnesota’s Center for Cardiovascular Repair have successfully created an operating artificial heart solely from cells taken from a rat. Human tests will follow and, if successful, will be followed by an attempt to create an artificial conscience for tobacco company executives hoping to change careers.
END GAME… Members of a cult in the Penza region of Russia have been holed up in a cave awaiting the end of the world which they believe will occur in May. If it fails to materialize, they’ll settle for the end of the Writers Guild strike.
CLICK! -- For the first time since 1999, Victoria’s Secret has purchased a thirty second Super Bowl ad. According to reports, it will show Patriots coach Bill Belichick hiding behind a screen with his cell phone camera taking pictures of Victoria‘s dressing room.
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“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”
George W. Bush 1/10/06 Washington, DC
(For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at: www.sourcebooks.com)
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SEED MONEY… In his new book, “Tom Cruise: An Unofficial Biography,” British author Andrew Morton claims that Suri, the daughter of Cruise and wife Katie Holmes, was actually the result of an injection of cryogenically preserved sperm from L. Ron Hubbard. Even more shocking, if it’s not the cult leader’s sperm, Andy claims to have additional evidence that it could have come from John Travolta.
DEDUCT THIS! -- Actor Wesley Snipes has gone on trial for evading $38 million in federal income taxes over a period of nine years. Sounds serious, but Wes is confident that all charges will be dismissed after the court hears the testimony of his chief character witness, Willie Nelson.
EARLY CHECK OUT… A prisoner who was injured while escaping from a Pueblo jail has sued the State of Colorado for not providing him with a more escape-proof facility. Among his alleged “inducements to flee” were knotted bed sheets for sale in the canteen, soap bar pistol carving instruction offered in the hobby shop and a 24/7 free airport shuttle.
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THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE… Without the striking writers, the Golden Globe Awards “press conference,” starless and hosted by entertainment reporters, covered 25 winners in 31 minutes. But in true award show tradition, it still ran over its scheduled 26 minutes.
PARTY ICE SCULPTURE… Scientists studying the effects of global warming have noticed alarming changes in the melting rate of western Antarctic ice sheets. More worrisome, the ice destabilization appears to reach as far south as North America. Last week, they observed substantial chunks chipping off Martha Stewart.
ASK NOT… All but tolling the death knell for Detroit’s already struggling Big Three, the Chinese will begin selling cars in the US this year. First to reach the showrooms will be a small, fuel-efficient hybrid called the “Kung Pao Shrimp.”
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REGRETS ONLY… Pope Benedict XVI canceled a scheduled visit to La Sapienza University in Rome after professors and students declared him “pontiff non grata” for his hostility toward science evidenced by his backward views on stem cell research, evolution and genetic engineering. On a positive note, though, he is better off than Mike Huckabee whom they banned for life.
FAGETABOUTIT… Bill Purcells has named Tony Sparano as head coach of the cellar-dwelling, 15-1 Miami Dolphins. Actually, it was a mistake caused by a secretary’s typo. Purcells intended to offer the job to Tony Soprano, hoping he would knock off a few opposing defensive linemen.
I DONE GOOD… NASCAR driver Ryan Newman, one of the few professional drivers with a college degree, says the organization should require rookies to show up with more education. Officials have been loath to require college degrees, fearing the grads might use words or phrases that would go over the heads of average NASCAR fans.
ON TAP… Americans for Legal Immigration have begun efforts to draft Lou Dobbs for a presidential run. They are aware, however, that a draft would be futile without formal approval, so far unforthcoming, from Larry King.
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A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY… A court in London annulled a marriage between twins who were separated at birth and didn’t know they were related. According to all available records, only one such case has ever been documented in the United States -- Donny and Marie.
GREAT BALLS O’ WIRE… The Army has overturned the court martial conviction of the only commissioned officer found guilty of dereliction of duty in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. Thus concluding another glorious chapter in the history of the greatest military force on earth -- “Operation Whitewash.”
NRA HOLES… Spearheaded by GOP leaders, a group of 45 Congressmen sent a letter to Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorn, urging him to recind the ban on visitors carrying firearms in national parks. And high time, too. How else are boozed up ATVers and over-medicated snow-mobilers supposed to defend themselves against the out-of-control wildlife?
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[] Do you like to read? Your unique talent for reading aloud is needed to help blind and dyslexic students reach the academic heights! Become a member of our team of microphone magicians at Recording For the Blind & Dyslexic. Call to find out if there's a studio near you!
www.rfbd.org
(866) 732-3585
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SUIT UP… Disgraced Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones was sentenced to six months in prison for perjury. There’s some good news, though. She will be allowed to participate in the institution’s intramural track & field events, except, of course, the pole vault.
McJAVA… McDonalds has introduced a gourmet coffee blend to challenge Starbucks. Who immediately responded by debuting their own innovation -- the Quarter Pound Croissant.
PIT STOP… While visiting Israel, Bush laid a wreath at the Hall of Remembrance, honoring victims of the Holocaust. The one Hitler was responsible for, not the one he unleashed in the Middle East.
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“I am the master of low expectations.”
George W. Bush 6/4/2003 Aboard Air Force One
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FAIR WARNING… During his Mideast tour, Bush dropped in on Saudi Arabia and took the opportunity to blast nearby Iran as “a hotbed of terrorism.” Then he flew to Bahrain and spoke to sailors stationed there. Unfortunately, he got his audiences mixed up and threatened to order an invasion of the Green Zone.
ROOF SHARPSHOOTERS… Bush’s security force was reportedly doubled for this trip. And not without reason. Now they have to protect him from OUR side, too.
PAIN DRAIN… US Intelligence chief Michael McConnell told an interviewer that “waterboarding performed on me would definitely qualify as torture.” Not as painful as watching Bush try to pronounce “nuclear,” but painful nonetheless.
PEANUTS & CRACKERJACK… Major League Baseball has added a drug enforcement unit to the commissioner’s office. From now on, official player stats will include hits, runs, errors, RBI’s and average performance enhancement drug urinalysis scores.
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GOOD WILL HUNTING… In an attempt to bolster his flagging “Mideast Freedom Agenda,” Bush is visiting Israel, Kuwait, Bahrain, the UAE, Saudi Arabia, Egypt and the West Bank. The Palestinians hope he’ll visit Pakistan and poke his head through the sunroof of an SUV.
MELTING WAX… To quell an increase in al Qaeda suicide bombings, the US has launched “Operation Phantom Phoenix.” Not to be confused with “Operation By The Time I get to Phoenix,” which is Glen Campbell’s USO tour.
KNOT TONIGHT… The Golf Channel suspended Kelly Tilghman for two weeks after she told a group of young golf pros trying to overtake Tiger Woods to “lynch him in a back valley.” Kelly began her sportscasting career at a backwoods radio station in rural Mississippi -- WKKK.
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(While conducting a tour of the Oval Office) “That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?”
George W. Bush 5/5/2006
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STRAIGHT FLUSH… In his federal court appeal, Larry Craig is arguing that the hand signals he used to invite a sexual encounter at the Minneapolis Airport last year was “federally protected free speech.” Larry probably won’t overcome the longstanding Supreme Court maxim: Freedom of speech doesn’t allow someone to shout “Light my fire!” in a crowded mens room.
EXECUTION CONVOLUTION… During oral arguments in a case alleging that the method commonly used in lethal injections is inhumane and constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, Scalia said “The Constitution doesn’t mention the word ‘painless‘.” Apparently, Tony would be all right with death by root canal.
SCALE DIVAS… Two hundred pounder Queen Latifah has joined Valerie Bertinelli and Kerstie Alley as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. No word yet on which ones will play “Before,” “During” and “After.”
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[] Did you know you can send a free e-card to anyone in the world without leaving this site? Scroll down to the icon just below “Quotation of the Day.”
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MASTER WHIPPLE… Kimberly-Clark has unveiled a new line of toddler-friendly toilet tissue that features “where-to-tear” graphics. To help moms educate those slow learners who insist on tearing it lengthwise.
SAY AMEN! -- A survey commissioned by the Southern Baptist Convention found that 72% of non-church goers think that organized religion is “full of hypocrites.” Even more alarming, 84% of regular church goers think there’s a bible quote that says “Blessed are the hypocrites for they shall inherit Pat Robertson.”
GAVE @ THE OFFICE… Police arrested two men who wheeled a dead colleague through the streets of Manhattan strapped to an office desk chair in order to cash his $355 Social Security check. The men have been charged with fraud, larceny and desecrating a corpse. The dead guy is charged with not wearing a seat belt and impersonating a postal employee.
PREEXISTING CONDITIONS… A survey by the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine found that the US ranks below France, England and 18 other countries in annual deaths that adequate health care would have prevented. Several bright spots, though. The US does better than France in preventing deaths by too much sex and edges out England in tooth decay fatalities.
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POOP DECK… Cunard Cruise Line officials are blaming Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, for an outbreak of norovirus that felled 90 passengers during the maiden voyage of the “Queen Victoria.” Her attempt to christen the vessel in December resulted in an unbroken champagne bottle, considered a hex in nautical circles. They should have been forewarned, however. Camilla’s family crest features two lions guarding a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
MOVE ‘EM OUT! -- The City of Newport Beach, CA is negotiating to buy a six-ton statue of John Wayne from the City of Beverly Hills. The anatomically correct figure of the Duke is accurate down to the flat feet that allowed him to duck the draft during WW II and corner roles that would have gone to more qualified actors preoccupied with wartime duties.
RHYMES WITH CONFESSION… The Labor Department reports that unemployment rose to a two-year high of 5%, oil prices hit $100 a barrel, sales of new homes are plummeting, exports are off, business spending declined, auto sales are at their lowest in a decade, the Dow is down 256 points and the Nasdaq down 98. And that’s the good news.
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“That’s called ‘A Charge to Keep,’ based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president’s job is never to promote a religion.”
George W. Bush 5/5/2006 Washington, DC
(For hundreds of idiotic quotes like this, check out www.sourcebooks.com)
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AGE OF AQUARIUS… Archeologists digging in the slopes of Kuelap in the Peruvian Andes have uncovered the lost civilization of Chachapaya that thrived between 800 and 1540. They theorize that the hearty peoples died out after staging a Woodstock type love-in that resulted in a critical shortage of virgins to sacrifice in volcanoes.
CAT HOUSE BLUES… As part of a red light district clean-up campaign that began in December, officials in Amsterdam have closed the popular and infamous Yab Yum brothel. The buyer of the prime waterfront property will have only to change two letters for his new Yum Yum Donut franchise.
UNFRIENDLY SKIES… The Department of Homeland Security is spending $29 million to develop an infrared laser that would detect and repulse heat seeking missiles aimed at commercial airliners by terrorists. Unfortunately, their system would not detect service seeking missiles launched by passengers.
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SI FI… The National Academy of Sciences has released a new book entitled “Science, Evolution & Creationism” which debunks bible-spawned myths that result from belief in creationism -- like “Noah’s Ark,” “Jonah and the Whale” and “Mike Huckabee.”
ELIMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON… A team of anti-terrorism experts from Scotland Yard has arrived in Pakistan to investigate the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. And a cell in the Tower of London is being readied in the event of an arrest.
SAMSONITIS… Southwest Airlines will charge $25 for a third checked bag. But on a brighter note, passengers will be allowed to choose the city the bag will be misdirected to.
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FAULT! -- Former ladies’ tennis top seed Martina Hinges was banned from the game for two years after the International Tennis Federation refused to overturn cocaine tests she claimed had been improperly administered. A spokesperson for the netlass refused to comment on rumors that Hingis is dating Roger Clemens.
RAG TRADE… ABC Television has introduced its new dramedy “Cashmere Mafia,” female executives clawing their way up the fashion world’s corporate ladder. Responding quickly, Fox launched its series starring equally tenacious fashion fillies serving as missionaries, “Polyurethane Mormons.”
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SECOND OPINION… Dr. Phil visited Britney Spears in her Cedars-Sinai hospital room and declared that she’s in dire need of an intervention. Of course, she has yet to be examined by his equally-qualified colleagues, “Dr. Laura,” “Dr. Pepper,” and “Dr. Scholl.”
STARS IN STRIPES… Attendance at the San Francisco Zoo has doubled since an escaped Siberian triger fatally mauled a spectator who had been taunting her. See? Give the people what they want and they’ll turn out.
LESBIANOGRAPHY… Zoologists from the Nanyang Technological University in Singapore have observed male macaques in Indonesia pay for sex by grooming females. Those who exhibit an “I’m not that kind of macaque” attitude often approach other females for grooming and usually decide they prefer that alternative.
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GASTRODISCRIMINATION… “Victoria & Albert’s,“ the only five-star restaurant at Orlando’s Disneyworld, charges a minimum of $125 per person, requires jackets for men and dresses or pantsuits for women, and bars children under ten. And it’s enforced. Snow White must be properly attired and accompanied by at least three dwarfs in tuxedoes.
NOMENCLATURAZATION … The American Dialect Society meeting in Chicago has voted “subprime” its 2007 “Word of the Year.” Barely edging out “hasselbeck,” a verb meaning to speak out on topics with which one is singularly unfamiliar.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
GOOD FOR YOU?… As of January 1, a new law in California makes it illegal to smoke with small children in the car. It's so strict, the law even prohibits smoking after MAKING a baby in the backseat of a car.
HAVING SAID THAT… Detroit’s Lake Superior State University has released their annual list of words or phrases that should be banished. It includes “perfect storm,” “waterboarding,” “post 9-11,” “under the bus,” and “surge.” Inadvertantly omitted: “multi tasking,” “Know what I’m saying?,” and “Pat Sejak is in show business.”
VERTUAL MEATGRINDER… The annual Video Game Trade Show in Orlando, FL unveiled new training and battle simulation games that were commissioned by the Pentagon to help sharpen recruits’ combat skills. If they work as hoped, next they’ll commission one that simulates thinking with a steel plate in your head and walking on prosthetic limbs.
CATASTROPHIC GENETICS… Bilawae Zardari, the 19 year old son of slain Pakistani president Benazir Bhutto, has been tapped by Peoples Party officials to become their new leader. Hoping to overcome the modern trend of politicians following in the footsteps of a parent turning out to be borderline idiots.
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“The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.”
George W. Bush 1/14/2001 Quoted in The NY Times
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TOO LITTLE TOO LATE… New Jersey is considering a proposal to apologize for slavery, having been the last state in the Union to ban it. If the apology works, next they plan to apologize for New Jersey.
HARD SHELLS… A carpet python in New South Wales swallowed golf balls a chicken farmer had placed in a nest to encourage hatching. But living in a den adjoining a golf course, the reptile passed on the Spaldings in favor of the Nikes.
DENTAL PREVENTAL… A recent survey shows that diners in Great Britain like the taste of fast food more than the French do. Which makes sense. Big Macs, Whoppers and Jumbo Jacks are soft… easy on the teeth.
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[] For hundreds of authentic idiotic quotes, check out “The George W. Bush Out of Office Countdown Handbook,” available at:
www.sourcebooks.com
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"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."http://www.leonardmaltin.com/2009YearEndBookSurvey.htm
THE LAUGH MAKERS is now on KINDLE! (And Kindle equipped devices)
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WakiLeaks: History Declassified 2000 (Vol. One) is now available on Kindle for $2.99
Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.
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