Overheard during the post-Oscar parties:
1) “We stayed dry on the Red Carpet. We rented space under Kirstie Alley.“
2) “What I thought was an hors d'oeuvre was part of Lady Gaga’s outfit.”
3) “Is that my ex-husband? I thought it was his weekend for the kids.”
4) “I was just sitting next to Lindsay Lohan. Has anyone seen my Rolex?”
5) “She thanked her agent, her ballet teacher and the Audubon Society.”
6) “I hated ’The King’s Speech.’ Not the movie -- Larry’s goodbyes on CNN.”
7) “I was hoping for another streaker, but Charlie Sheen couldn’t make it.”
8) “Is that an ice sculpture or Joan Rivers?”
9) “I didn’t have an acceptance speech… but my writers were texting me.”
10) “This is Ted. We met, got married and were divorced in rehab.”
Being described by Charlie Sheen as “a worm,” Charlie’s boss at CBS has canceled the remaining episodes of “Two and a Half Men.” Don’t grieve for Charlie, however. He was immediately signed to star in Animal Planet’s new sitcom “Two and a Half Hookers, One Line of Cocaine.”
Confessing that she was “hooked on pigs’ feet and chit’lins,” Aretha Franklin is
undergoing a complete body makeover. And she’s doing it sensibly. She figured out how to bring back the original Aretha Franklin without spending too many Ben Franklins.
Women’s designer fashions, always priced beyond reason and good sense, will be 10% more expensive by May. You gals may find, though, that you’re getting more bang for your buck. For instance, stiletto heels will now be made out of real stilettos.
Ornithologists have discovered that male birds whose nests are near street lights are less monogamous than their counterparts. Apparently, females who are asked “Your nest or mine?” just before lights out, have an increased sense of urgency.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)
Academy officials have asked this year's winner to limit their acceptance speeches to 45 seconds. (LA Times) Which means, in essence, the pool boy and the cleaning lady will go un-thanked.
USA will launch the first ever 24 hour crime channel in the fall. (AP) Okay, technically speaking, network programming is criminal, but that's not intentional.
Two Irvington, NJ second graders were charged with making terrorist threats by playing cops 'n robbers with a paper gun. (AP) Luckily, police intervened before they could Xerox an entire arsenal.
London's Sunday Telegraph reports that Tom Cruise is leaving the Church of Scientology. (USA Today) Friends say he had a nightmare in which his career was heading for the same dumpster occupied by fellow 'tologist John Travolta.
A 3.5 million year old skull found in Africa suggests that there may have been more than one branch of human development from primitive man. (NY Times) How else do you explain Jerry Springer's contestants?
A theme park ride in Doswell, VA uses a blast of air to propel riders from zero to 80 miles per hour in two seconds. (LA Times) We've had that in LA for years. It's called "On ramp to the 405."
The State Department gave fifty Russian spies the heave-ho in the wake of the Robert Hanssen revelations. (USA Today) Most went peacefully although Yakov Smirnoff put up something of a tussle.
Barbra Streisand recorded "Some Day My Prince Will Come" for Disney's DVD version of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." (USA Today) Crew members report that she got along with all the dwarfs except Grumpy who made some wisecrack about James Brolin.
M.G.M. has confirmed that they've approached Whitney Houston to costar in the next James Bond film. (USA Today) "Airport Metal Detectors Are Forever"?
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of the Marquis De Sade who was overheard asking a girl in a singles bar "Like to come up to my place for a root canal?"
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
1) “We stayed dry on the Red Carpet. We rented space under Kirstie Alley.“
2) “What I thought was an hors d'oeuvre was part of Lady Gaga’s outfit.”
3) “Is that my ex-husband? I thought it was his weekend for the kids.”
4) “I was just sitting next to Lindsay Lohan. Has anyone seen my Rolex?”
5) “She thanked her agent, her ballet teacher and the Audubon Society.”
6) “I hated ’The King’s Speech.’ Not the movie -- Larry’s goodbyes on CNN.”
7) “I was hoping for another streaker, but Charlie Sheen couldn’t make it.”
8) “Is that an ice sculpture or Joan Rivers?”
9) “I didn’t have an acceptance speech… but my writers were texting me.”
10) “This is Ted. We met, got married and were divorced in rehab.”
Being described by Charlie Sheen as “a worm,” Charlie’s boss at CBS has canceled the remaining episodes of “Two and a Half Men.” Don’t grieve for Charlie, however. He was immediately signed to star in Animal Planet’s new sitcom “Two and a Half Hookers, One Line of Cocaine.”
Confessing that she was “hooked on pigs’ feet and chit’lins,” Aretha Franklin is
undergoing a complete body makeover. And she’s doing it sensibly. She figured out how to bring back the original Aretha Franklin without spending too many Ben Franklins.
Women’s designer fashions, always priced beyond reason and good sense, will be 10% more expensive by May. You gals may find, though, that you’re getting more bang for your buck. For instance, stiletto heels will now be made out of real stilettos.
Ornithologists have discovered that male birds whose nests are near street lights are less monogamous than their counterparts. Apparently, females who are asked “Your nest or mine?” just before lights out, have an increased sense of urgency.
______________________
(The following is excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, now available for $2.99 from Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O These lines first appeared in this blog in March, 2001)
Academy officials have asked this year's winner to limit their acceptance speeches to 45 seconds. (LA Times) Which means, in essence, the pool boy and the cleaning lady will go un-thanked.
USA will launch the first ever 24 hour crime channel in the fall. (AP) Okay, technically speaking, network programming is criminal, but that's not intentional.
Two Irvington, NJ second graders were charged with making terrorist threats by playing cops 'n robbers with a paper gun. (AP) Luckily, police intervened before they could Xerox an entire arsenal.
London's Sunday Telegraph reports that Tom Cruise is leaving the Church of Scientology. (USA Today) Friends say he had a nightmare in which his career was heading for the same dumpster occupied by fellow 'tologist John Travolta.
A 3.5 million year old skull found in Africa suggests that there may have been more than one branch of human development from primitive man. (NY Times) How else do you explain Jerry Springer's contestants?
A theme park ride in Doswell, VA uses a blast of air to propel riders from zero to 80 miles per hour in two seconds. (LA Times) We've had that in LA for years. It's called "On ramp to the 405."
The State Department gave fifty Russian spies the heave-ho in the wake of the Robert Hanssen revelations. (USA Today) Most went peacefully although Yakov Smirnoff put up something of a tussle.
Barbra Streisand recorded "Some Day My Prince Will Come" for Disney's DVD version of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." (USA Today) Crew members report that she got along with all the dwarfs except Grumpy who made some wisecrack about James Brolin.
M.G.M. has confirmed that they've approached Whitney Houston to costar in the next James Bond film. (USA Today) "Airport Metal Detectors Are Forever"?
Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of the Marquis De Sade who was overheard asking a girl in a singles bar "Like to come up to my place for a root canal?"
(Excerpted from WakiLeaks 2001, first published in March, 2001. Download on Kindle for $2.99 at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O )
