[The following is excerpted from Bob Mills’ new book WakiLeaks: History Declassified (Volume Three) 2003 Political Commentary to the left of Bill Maher. The material was originally published in September 2003 in the blog “Bereft-on-the-Left” and is now available in e-book form on Kindle.]
"[Indian] officials have been charged with anti-graft violations over their plans to ... build shopping malls, amusement parks and restaurants next to the ... Taj Mahal." (LAT/9/23) Next thing you know, they'll want to slap some slot machines in there.
"Turkey is weighing a request from the US that it provide up to 10,000 troops to serve under American control in Iraq ... The US will provide Turkey with as much as $85 billion in loans ... " (LAT/9/23) In small unmarked bills delivered in leather satchels by two guys named Vinnie and Nunzio.
"Princess Stephanie of Monaco was married to her circus performer boyfriend ... " (USA/9/19) In a triple ring ceremony no doubt.
"Researchers in Venezuela have identified skeletal remains of a gigantic rodent the size of a buffalo that lived 8 million years ago." (LAD/9/20) After first unearthing three giant tails and a huge carving knife.
"Prosecutors in the Kobe Bryant rape case will play a video tape in court next month of the accuser describing the attack ... " (USA/9/11) The court refused a request by the defense to show a video of Kobe making 47 consecutive lay-ups in a pre-season practice.
"France said for the first time Thursday that it would be willing to provide practical help to the United States in Iraq." (USA/9/20) Pentagon officials are investigating how best to deploy emergency foie gras, caviar, and escargot field kitchens.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the Jolly Green Giant's publicist who said "Good news. You're replacing Captain Crunch on the food pyramid."
" ... Ernest Borgnine, June Lockhart and Jean Simmons are expected to be in Hawaii early next year to shoot an independent film about finding love late in life." (LAD/9/17) Working title: "Hot Flashdance."
"... Bush faces the unenviable prospect of becoming the first president to see employment shrink on his watch since Herbert Hoover." (LAD/9/16) Ah, but prosperity is just around the same corner that Herb saw.
"The Danish Parliament is considering increasing its 422-troop deployment in Iraq by a few hundred." (USA/9/15) Mostly combat pastry chefs.
"Israel's prime minister said on Sunday that killing Yasser Arafat ... was one of several options now under government consideration." (LAT/9/14) "A cement overshoes vacation in the Nile has not been ruled out," said the PM's spokesman, Moshe "The Enforcer" Epstein.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who was overheard telling a girl in a singles bar "I play violin ... mostly classical but some jazz."
"The global death toll from smoking is shifting, with about as many people dying from smoking in the developing world as in industrialized nations ... " (LAT/9/12) A Philip Morris spokesman cited increased advertising, more efficient product distribution and the introduction of American style "smoke breaks" in Third World sweat shops.
"A bust of [Dan] Quayle was unveiled in a Capitol Rotunda ceremony." (LAT/9/11) It captures Dan's distinctive "deer caught in the marble" look.
"The Bush administration's color-coded terrorism alert system -- harshly criticized by counter-terrorist specialists and by much of the public -- is being revamped to make it far more difficult for the government to justify raising the threat level." (LAT/9/13) For instance, from now on there must be actual weapons of mass destruction, not just make believe ones.
"Britney Spears appeared on CNN' 'Crossfire' [and said] ... 'Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." (USA/9/4) Thereby wresting the coveted Dimwit Trophy from Matthew McGohnahey who once told Oprah Winfrey that he didn't know Germans [he was playing one in a movie] participated in World War II.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the sommelier at the Last Supper who said to Jesus, "May I suggest you turn the water into a 17 AD Cabernet?"
"... the Pentagon's Special Operations chiefs were reduced to screening a 1965 movie 'The Battle of Algiers'... to try to learn why the French suffered a colonial disaster in a guerilla war against Muslims in Algiers." (LAD/9/4) Now if we can just get Bush's Environmental Pollution Agency to view "Erin Brockovitch."
"Computer technology designed to spot potential terrorists by their facial characteristics at airports failed its first major test... " (USA/9/2) During trials, the machines identified Saddam Hussein as Tom Selleck.
"Harley-Davidson celebrated its 100th birthday on Saturday with a parade of some 10,000 motorcycles in downtown Milwaukee." (LAD/8/31) Surpassing the previous record for most tattoos and nose rings at one event.
"‘Revolve,’ the new bible for girls between the ages of 12 and 17, offers the complete New Testament in a fashion magazine format... " (LAT/8/30) Among its articles: "The Loaves and Fishes Diet," "Sandals For Any Season," and "Dressing Like a Roman Courtesan on a Mary Magdalene Budget."
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HISTORY WITH A PUNCH LINE...only $2.99 from Kindle
"WakiLeaks: History Declassified” by TV comedy writer and former LA Times humor columnist ("Laugh Lines") Bob Mills is a compilation of items from the headlines of a decade ago that were first published in his blog "Funny Side Up." This is a yuck-and-chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane along with the blog’s regular features "Words to Live By" (The Jolly Green Giant‘s doctor who once told him: “You have the Niblets of a 24-year old.”) and "Well Said" (By Groucho Marx: "Wives are women who think they don't do enough dancing.") Download a FREE sample chapter at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
__________________
"[Indian] officials have been charged with anti-graft violations over their plans to ... build shopping malls, amusement parks and restaurants next to the ... Taj Mahal." (LAT/9/23) Next thing you know, they'll want to slap some slot machines in there.
"Turkey is weighing a request from the US that it provide up to 10,000 troops to serve under American control in Iraq ... The US will provide Turkey with as much as $85 billion in loans ... " (LAT/9/23) In small unmarked bills delivered in leather satchels by two guys named Vinnie and Nunzio.
"Princess Stephanie of Monaco was married to her circus performer boyfriend ... " (USA/9/19) In a triple ring ceremony no doubt.
"Researchers in Venezuela have identified skeletal remains of a gigantic rodent the size of a buffalo that lived 8 million years ago." (LAD/9/20) After first unearthing three giant tails and a huge carving knife.
"Prosecutors in the Kobe Bryant rape case will play a video tape in court next month of the accuser describing the attack ... " (USA/9/11) The court refused a request by the defense to show a video of Kobe making 47 consecutive lay-ups in a pre-season practice.
"France said for the first time Thursday that it would be willing to provide practical help to the United States in Iraq." (USA/9/20) Pentagon officials are investigating how best to deploy emergency foie gras, caviar, and escargot field kitchens.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the Jolly Green Giant's publicist who said "Good news. You're replacing Captain Crunch on the food pyramid."
" ... Ernest Borgnine, June Lockhart and Jean Simmons are expected to be in Hawaii early next year to shoot an independent film about finding love late in life." (LAD/9/17) Working title: "Hot Flashdance."
"... Bush faces the unenviable prospect of becoming the first president to see employment shrink on his watch since Herbert Hoover." (LAD/9/16) Ah, but prosperity is just around the same corner that Herb saw.
"The Danish Parliament is considering increasing its 422-troop deployment in Iraq by a few hundred." (USA/9/15) Mostly combat pastry chefs.
"Israel's prime minister said on Sunday that killing Yasser Arafat ... was one of several options now under government consideration." (LAT/9/14) "A cement overshoes vacation in the Nile has not been ruled out," said the PM's spokesman, Moshe "The Enforcer" Epstein.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of Emperor Nero who was overheard telling a girl in a singles bar "I play violin ... mostly classical but some jazz."
"The global death toll from smoking is shifting, with about as many people dying from smoking in the developing world as in industrialized nations ... " (LAT/9/12) A Philip Morris spokesman cited increased advertising, more efficient product distribution and the introduction of American style "smoke breaks" in Third World sweat shops.
"A bust of [Dan] Quayle was unveiled in a Capitol Rotunda ceremony." (LAT/9/11) It captures Dan's distinctive "deer caught in the marble" look.
"The Bush administration's color-coded terrorism alert system -- harshly criticized by counter-terrorist specialists and by much of the public -- is being revamped to make it far more difficult for the government to justify raising the threat level." (LAT/9/13) For instance, from now on there must be actual weapons of mass destruction, not just make believe ones.
"Britney Spears appeared on CNN' 'Crossfire' [and said] ... 'Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." (USA/9/4) Thereby wresting the coveted Dimwit Trophy from Matthew McGohnahey who once told Oprah Winfrey that he didn't know Germans [he was playing one in a movie] participated in World War II.
Until we meet again, I leave you with the immortal words of the sommelier at the Last Supper who said to Jesus, "May I suggest you turn the water into a 17 AD Cabernet?"
"... the Pentagon's Special Operations chiefs were reduced to screening a 1965 movie 'The Battle of Algiers'... to try to learn why the French suffered a colonial disaster in a guerilla war against Muslims in Algiers." (LAD/9/4) Now if we can just get Bush's Environmental Pollution Agency to view "Erin Brockovitch."
"Computer technology designed to spot potential terrorists by their facial characteristics at airports failed its first major test... " (USA/9/2) During trials, the machines identified Saddam Hussein as Tom Selleck.
"Harley-Davidson celebrated its 100th birthday on Saturday with a parade of some 10,000 motorcycles in downtown Milwaukee." (LAD/8/31) Surpassing the previous record for most tattoos and nose rings at one event.
"‘Revolve,’ the new bible for girls between the ages of 12 and 17, offers the complete New Testament in a fashion magazine format... " (LAT/8/30) Among its articles: "The Loaves and Fishes Diet," "Sandals For Any Season," and "Dressing Like a Roman Courtesan on a Mary Magdalene Budget."
__________________________
HISTORY WITH A PUNCH LINE...only $2.99 from Kindle
"WakiLeaks: History Declassified” by TV comedy writer and former LA Times humor columnist ("Laugh Lines") Bob Mills is a compilation of items from the headlines of a decade ago that were first published in his blog "Funny Side Up." This is a yuck-and-chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane along with the blog’s regular features "Words to Live By" (The Jolly Green Giant‘s doctor who once told him: “You have the Niblets of a 24-year old.”) and "Well Said" (By Groucho Marx: "Wives are women who think they don't do enough dancing.") Download a FREE sample chapter at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KSQX0O
__________________
